Harry Potter and the Sixth Book: A Humorous Account...

Harry looked up from reading his letter and saw that Mrs. Figg had finished reading hers and was putting it back in its envelope. Harry didn't ask what it said; instead he turned his attention to the brown envelope Hedwig had brought. "It looks like this one's from Lupin or Moody or Tonks," he said.

"Open it!" said Mrs. Figg. "Maybe it will tell us what the Order of the Phoenix is up to." She seemed to have completely forgotten about being a Squib.

Harry opened the letter and read aloud:

Dear Harry,

You know why you're supposed to go to your Aunt Petunia's house every year, but I'm sure you find it dismal there just the same. So Mad-Eye, Tonks, Dung, Arabella, and I have worked out a complex and detailed, not to mention foolproof, plan to get you out of there once again! Expect us Friday. Oh, I'm so excited! This is going to be so much fun!

Always,

Remus Lupin

P.S. I got married

Harry looked up at Arabella Figg who was smiling faintly. "What's this all about?" he asked.

"Oh, it's nothing," she said. "I can't tell you what it is, though, because Remus and Dung are so excited. They've been talking about this for weeks."

"But what about how it says Lupin's got married?"

"I'm just as shocked as you are," said Mrs. Figg. "Remus must have eloped over the weekend, I just saw him."

Hedwig began pecking on Harry's ear; and indication that she wanted food. "Well, I have to go and feed Hedwig. It was nice visiting," said Harry, glad of an excuse to leave. He really wanted to write to Ron and Hermione about the letters he'd just received.

Harry puzzled over his letters for the next couple of days. Why did Professor McGonagall send him a letter so full of information? Wasn't she worried it would be intercepted? She had even mentioned the Order of the Phoenix! And who did Lupin marry? He was happy for him, but definitely irritated that he hadn't told him who it was. At any rate, Harry was anxious for the escape plan. He was starting to get bored with stories about Tibbles.

Finally Friday arrived, but right as it did Harry could see that maybe Lupin's plan wasn't entirely foolproof. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were having a party for Dudley because he had recently turned sixteen. All of his punk friends and all of his relatives were coming, and Harry wasn't invited. Naturally, he decided to go over to Mrs. Figg's.

Harry sat on Mrs. Figg's porch hours later, watching the party take place across the street. The people were divided in the yard. Dudley and his gang were on one side, drinking beer and knocking things over, and the family was on the other side, all looking rather nervous. "I think this party's going well," said Harry to Mrs. Figg.

"I don't know why those poor people bother," she said. "That boy is so bad; he appreciates nothing his parents give him."

"They don't know the difference," Harry said.

"Such a pity," said Mrs. Figg, shaking her head. "They're so naive, Muggles."

Harry was just about nod in assent, but all of a sudden, three things happened all at once: Dudley stumbled and fell on top of the makeshift wet bar, Aunt Petunia panicked and ran across the yard, and a flock of at least twenty-five owls swooped out of the sky and onto Aunt Petunia.

Harry and Mrs. Figg watched the whole thing happen with looks of surprise and glee on their faces. Aunt Petunia screamed as the owls came down upon her. The relatives weren't sure if they should help her or run for their lives, so they stood there and screamed. Dudley got up from the smashed wet bar and watched stupidly as his mother was lifted and taken into the sky. The owls took her up in the sky and flew away with her, the whole time, Uncle Vernon on the ground calling up to the owls to unhand his wife.

"Lupin!" Harry whispered. He stood up and began surveying the lawn for any sign of one of the conspirators. When he didn't see anybody, he turned to Mrs. Figg and said, "This was a wonderful plan! No wonder Lupin was excited!"

"What?" said Mrs. Figg.

Harry looked confused. "This wasn't the plan?" he asked.

"No, no, heavens no!" replied Mrs. Figg, standing up to take a better look at the mayhem across the street. "No, this was just a lucky coincidence. Remus and the others aren't expected until tonight."

Shortly after the episode with the owls, the party broke up, and Dudley and Uncle Vernon, not having been able to recover Aunt Petunia, walked sulkily into the house. Harry bade Mrs. Figg goodbye and walked back to 4 Privet Drive as well. Neither his uncle nor his cousin acknowledged his presence when he came in the house, so he just went upstairs to make sure he had everything packed.

Time passed slowly, and after a while, Harry began to doze off. He was awoken hours later by what sounded like a gunshot. He looked out the window: It was dark outside, but still early. He looked down, and what he saw amazed him. Mrs. Figg was driving by slowly, pointing a gun out her window. Four shadowy figures, three male and one female who was dressed like a ho, approached the door. Two of the men stood back. The doorbell rang, and Harry heard Uncle Vernon answer it.

"Hello, you must be Vernon Dursley," said a voice Harry recognized.

Uncle Vernon grunted suspiciously.

"You have a rather odd neighbor," the man said. "Apparently she seems to think she was part of a gangsta drive by."

Harry, who was now standing at the top of the stairs, saw Uncle Vernon try to sneak a look out the door, but was prohibit from seeing anything because at that precise moment, Mad-Eye Moody and Mundungus Fletcher walked in the door and up the stairs. They motioned for Harry to keep silent, so he stood silently at the top of the stairs watching the scene below while Mad-Eye and Dung fetched his things.

The woman had also entered the house, and from the looks of it, was trying to seduce Uncle Vernon. The man, whom Harry now saw was Lupin, was walking around the hall examining things saying, "Yes, yes, I'll just have to question the neighbors. I've sent my cronies upstairs to grab Harry Potter."

Lupin looked over at the woman and she looked back with a look in her eye like everything was going according to planned. However, Uncle Vernon was beginning to figure things out. "Hey, you're one of his friends, aren't you?" he spat at Lupin. "You were there at the train station!"

Lupin had to think fast. He flicked the light switch on and off - perhaps a signal. It must have been a signal, Harry thought, because he heard a squeal of tires outside and another gun shot. He turned around and saw that Mrs. Figg had not fired her gun, and instead Moody and Mundungus Disapparated with all of Harry's belongings. "Well, perhaps you'll want to tell him his friends are here," Lupin said calmly to Uncle Vernon.

"Harry! Your friends have come to fetch you!" Uncle Vernon shouted upstairs.

"His werewolf friends."

"Your werewolf frie - what?!" Uncle Vernon picked up a vase and started brandishing it at Lupin. "You're a werewolf? I'll get you!"

"Oh no you won't!" It was the woman who said this. She pulled out a wand and pointed it at Uncle Vernon. "Get Harry," she said. Harry wondered if this woman was Lupin's new wife. She was very pretty with her long brown hair, shocking blue eyes, and full red lips. Harry felt that if this woman was Lupin's wife, he would rather like to be Lupin tonight...

Harry's daydreams were interrupted by none other than Lupin himself who bounded up the stairs for Harry. "When I give the signal," he said, "run outside and jump into Mrs. Figg's car." Lupin turned around and blasted open the door with his wand. "Nymphie, go!" he yelled, and the woman turned around and ran outside.

Lupin jumped over the railing and landed in front of Uncle Vernon. "It's time for me to go," he said simply. He raised one eyebrow and Harry took that to mean the signal. He ran outside and jumped into the backseat of Mrs. Figg's wide convertible. The beautiful woman was in the passenger seat; Mrs. Figg behind the wheel.

Before Harry had a chance to say anything, or indeed before Lupin was out of the house, the car started moving. They squealed once around the block and were passing 4 Privet Drive again when Lupin ran out of the house, hurtled a dustbin, and dove headfirst into the car.

"That went well," said Mrs. Figg, not taking her eyes off the road.

"You really think so?" asked Lupin eagerly. "I've been practicing that dive for weeks."

Harry was just about to ask Lupin if the woman in the front seat was his wife, but she was slowly morphing back into Tonks. "Hiya Harry!" she said, turning around in her seat."

"Hi Tonks," Harry said. "Hi Moony. Mrs. Figg, what did you just do?"

"I'm not entirely sure," Mrs. Figg said. "It was part of the plan. I'm going to drive you home." When he saw Harry looking apprehensive, she said, "We're going to Remus' home. And I didn't really fire the gun."

"So Harry, how was your holiday?" Lupin asked Harry.

"It was good," Harry sad.

"Yes," said Mrs. Figg. "He had me to keep me company."

They drove the Muggle way for a really long time, and it was barely sunrise when they approached Grimmauld Place.

"What are we doing here?" Harry asked.

"I just moved here," said Lupin. "I needed a bigger place because - " He trailed off, but Harry knew he was going to say something about how he got married. He still hadn't told Harry who his wife was.

"OK, everybody out!" called Mrs. Figg as she stopped the car. She got out, and so did Harry, Tonks, and Lupin.

As Number Twelve came into view, Harry could see Mad-Eye Moody and Mundungus Fletcher standing on the porch with Harry's trunk. "Go on inside Harry," said Moody. "Mrs. Lupin is making breakfast downstairs."

"OK," said Harry tiredly. He opened the door and walked inside. "Hello Mrs. Black," he sighed as the portrait in the foyer began to holler. He walked through the hallway and noticed that the House of Black was looking much brighter since it had become the House of Lupin.

Harry was suddenly startled as someone came running down the stairs screaming. It was a woman with tightly curled hair and an acid green dressing grown. "Shut up, you miserable old hag!" she screamed at the portrait.

She seemed to have heard Harry gasp, because she turned around and Harry saw who she was. "Rita Skeeter?" he asked, disbelieving. "What are *you* doing here?"

She shot Harry a look just as disbelieving as his. Meanwhile, Lupin had just walked in the door. "What are you doing here?" she asked Harry. "I live here! I'm married to him!"