How Harry Got His Groove Back

At the Burrow:

:::Ron is picking lint out of his belly button when suddenly an owl goes and drops a letter in his face. Ron grabs the letter and reads it to himself :::

Ron: "What the...?!"

RON! I have no idea what you are playing at! I thought I told you Hermione is mine and you just have to come BARGING into my territory! I will never forgive you!

Ron: "WHAT?? What is he talking about??"

Meanwhile in Dudley's dormitory room, an owl smacks into the back of Dudley's head and drops the letter on the floor.

::: Dudley reads the envelope :::

Dudley : "HERMIONE!?"

::: Dudley opens the envelope and struggles to read the letter :::

Dudley (reads it very carefully [the following is the way his reading would be spelled if it were written]): "Oh eye-mm soo guh-lad yoo feeel that ooway a-bout mee, eye feeel t-he, i mean the exakt ssame way, may-be more! Please write back! Eye miss yu!
LOVE,
Hermione"

Dudley: "YIPPY! SHE DIGS ME!" :::Hums to himself::: "I can't see me lovin nobody but YOU for all my liiiife!"

:::Dudley writes back, while looking in a very old and unread Thesaurus:::

Most Dear and Beloved Hermione,
I am so glad you love me too, will you go out with me? Please say "I do"!
~Your Prince Charming~

:::Petunia comes in:::

Petunia: "What on earth are you doing with a thesaurus?"

Dudley: "I'm writing to a girl mum! She is totally into me!"

Petunia: (bursts into tears) "Ohhh, my ickle Dudy-kins has his first girlfriend! Just wait til I phone everyone! I'm so proud!

Petunia(on the phone to Vernon): "You should just see him skipping through the halls he seems so happy!"

Vernon(from phone): "What's the girl's name and where's she from?"

Petunia: "DUDDY!"

Dudley: "Yes mum?"

Petunia:" What's the name of your girlfriend?"

:::Dudley looks around the room nervously:::

Dudley: "M-mm-my girlfriend?"

Petunia: "Well who else do you think I was talking about?"

Dudley: "No one." :::Scared to tell his mom who it really it is so tries to make something up::: "Her name is er...er...er... BUBBLES!"

Petunia: "What an odd name, where is she from?"

Dudley: "She's from....... CANADA!"

Petunia: "CANADA!?"

Dudley: "Yes! From Canada! She's a....uh.... she's a foreign exchange student!"

Petunia: (eyes Dudley suspiciously) "Doesn't Canada have an epidemic of Mad Cow Disease??"

Dudley: (becoming desperate) "No! Of course not! Mad Cow Disease is only found in....um.....it's in.....uhhh.....MEXICO!"

Petunia: (with a sudden look of panic) "OH MY GOD!!" :::gets back on the phone with Vernon::: "Vernon!! Are you still there??"

Vernon: "Yes, what's wrong dear?"

Petunia: "Your new boss - Isn't he Mexican?!"

Vernon: "Yes... why??"

Aunt Petunia: "Don't you get it you over-sized killer whale? You might get it!"

Dudley: "No Mexico had it in errr...1845! It's actually...the Planet Ping-Pong that has it!"

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia: "Whew..."

Aunt Petunia: "Well now that we got that settled, call her and she can have dinner with us."

Dudley: "No! She's shy and... she's allergic to over-sized parents!"

Aunt Petunia: (Sigh) "Then we'll give you 10 pounds for 2 dishes of curry."

Dudley: "Ok!"

Vernon: "Just a minute...Hey, I'm coming along!! Before Dudley gets mixed up with this girl, I need to know who she is...What if she's an ugly old hag?"

Petunia: "Don't you think that Dudders should go by himself on his first date?" ::gives Dudley the 10 pounds::

Vernon: "Yeah, I guess so...talk to you later!"

:::Dudley lets out huge sigh of relief::

:::Dudley writing to Hermione again:::

Most Beloved and Sanctified Hermione,
I would be most appreciative if you would meet me at a romantic dinner tonight, say at, Chucky Cheeses? ~Love, the Man of your Dreams

Meanwhile, back at Hermione's house:

Hermione (in a happy tone) : "Harry, I've just sent a letter to the man of my dreams! And it goes without saying, Harry, that I may even ignore you for the next few days because any conversation you have with me will be about Ron now."

::: Harry rolls his eyes :::
Harry (muttering) : "That's it, when I get to the Weasley's house, there will be a tomb the the next day with Ron's name written all over it..."

Hermione (confused) : "Why will there be a tomb Harry?"

Harry : "You heard that?"

Hermione : "Yes...why?"

Harry : "Since when do you have an acute sense of hearing?"

Hermione : "Does it matter? Anyways I hope he responds to my letter soon..."

::: Just then an owl smacks into Harry's face, drops a letter, and leaves:::

:::Harry picks up the letter:::

Harry:
When did I send a letter to Hermione? I never got one back from her, and, as far as I know, she IS yours! So just leave me alone!
-Ron

:::Harry rips up the letter, burns the pieces, puts the ashes into a tube, blasts the tube off to space, the tube shoots into Mars, aliens pick it up open it and eat the ashes, the aliens die suddenly from the ashes, the aliens start to float off of mars into Saturn, blow up, burn, fall down onto an asteroid, the asteroid falls down to Earth, hits Greenland, scientists find it, put the ashes into test tubes, bring them to a lab in London, a scientist stupidly knocks over the test tubes, and they fall out a window, onto the side walk, where a boy picks them up and throws them across the street, they hit a trampoline in someone's yard, bounce up into the sky, hit an airplane, break apart just as it starts raining, and the ashes fall down with the rain onto Harry Potter:::

Harry: (recognizing the pieces of the letter he burnt) "Arrgghhh! Ron just won't stop rubbing it in, will he? That's it! I'm gonna send him another owl.....along with a little "gift"....." :::Chuckles evilly:::

:::As Harry walks back to get Hedwig, he hears Hermione singing from the other side of the fence.:::

Hermione: (singing) "I've got a date with Ron tonight! Chuck E. Cheese! My favorite place!"

Harry: (extremely angry at this point) "That's the last straw! I'm going to Ron's tonight..... and when I get there....."

That night Harry takes the Knight Bus to Ron's house.

:::Ron answers the door:::

Ron: "Hello, Harry! We weren't really expecting you, but that's OK! Come on in, we're just eating dinner!"

Harry: "I thought you were going out with Hermione tonight!"

Ron: "What?! Harry, didn't I tell you that Hermione was all yours?"

:::Silence:::

:::It finally dawns on them that someone else has been sending love letters to Hermione:::

Harry: "Probably Malfoy's idea of a joke." :::shrugs::: "Oh well... it can't embarrass her THAT badly."

Ron: "You're right. Now, come on in and eat some dinner with us..."

Meanwhile, at Chuck E. Cheese's.............

:::Hermione walks into Chuck E's with a sparkly red dress and faux pearl jewelry:::

Dudley: "HERMIONE! You look so sexy!"

Hermione : (Not breathing or moving for a few seconds) "Err... Ron is that you?"

Dudley : "Umm... Yes! I'm Ron alright."

Hermione : "What? Ron wasn't very oversized the last time I saw him."

Dudley : "Err....Umm...."

Hermione: "Let me guess, you were performing the Fatting Charm on something when you're wand backfired?"

Dudley : "Err. Yes..."

Hermione : "And you tried the Yellowing Charm on your owl when that backfired?"

Dudley : "Yes..."

Hermione : "Well then that explains it."

Dudley (Eager to change the subject): "Oi! Waiter!"

Waiter : "May I take your order?"

Dudley : "100 of everything on the list please."

Hermione : "Ron? When did you develop a taste for Muggle food?"

Dudley : (Absent-mindedly) "What's a Muggle?"

Hermione : "Ha,ha. Very funny Ron. Very good joke..."

After a long feast of 100 things on the menu:

Dudley: "Are going to eat that?"

Hermione : "Err... No help yourself..."

:: Dudley happily eats it ::

Waiter : "Sir, the bill." :::Opens a book called HEAVY BILLS:::

Waiter : "Just give me a second sir to calculate this."

Hermione : "Err. Ron? Do you have enough money to pay this?"

Dudley : "Of course!"

Waiter : "The total comes to 1,000,000,000 Pounds. Will that be in cash or credit?"

Dudley : "Will 10 pounds do?"

Waiter (Who has by now lost his professional manner) : "NEVER! YOU SHALL PAY!"

Dudley : "Run Hermione! To the exit!"

Waiter : "YOU SHALL NOT PASS! :::Puts mop on floor which breaks apart and Dudley falls... Oops, wrong story::: "DIE YOU LITTLE STUMPLEWOMT!"

Dudley : (in a Sigmund Freud voice)"Whoa , whoa, whoa! Is violence the only answer to your problem? If you have the right to express your feelings of anger it can present a potentially volatile situation. Upon validating the emotional state aggressive behavior is not a practical or healthy form of anger. Rather they should be supported in their refusal to join denial and detach from the family attitude as much as is necessary to sustain the proper balance and personal growth needed for your own mental health. The concept of detaching pertains to the acceptance of people, places and things exactly how they exist without letting the personalities or the outcomes involved affect behavior in a negative way. This can aid in arresting the hatred and resentments that are brought upon the human spirit as a result of anger. It is the extreme practice of letting go. It means accepting differences between yourself and others without trying to change the other person. In other words, taking responsibility for your own life and letting other people be responsible for their own. Detaching requires respect. It can also be considered as the final stage of grief: when one comes to terms with a loss or disagreement and decides to move ahead instead of dwelling on it. Detaching can be achieved only after other aspects of grief and anger management have been worked through, including denial and bargaining."

Waiter : "You're right! Violence isn't the answer! BUT DISHCLOTH IS!"

Dudley : "Well, so much for anger mangement...."

Waiter : "AND TO MAKE SURE YOU WON'T ESCAPE, I WILL BE WITH YOUR LITTLE GIRL!"

Dudley : "Hermione!"

Hermione : "Oh don't mind me Ron, I'll be here with this rather lovely waiter."

Dudley : "NO!!!"

Meanwhile, at the Weasleys' house....