Villains Unite!

DAGAFI Welcome back! I'm happy to introduce you to our latest newcomers. The tall gentleman on my left is Mr L-

THE VAMPIRE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED *hissing angrily* Shhhh! You must not say it!

JACK SPARROW Oh, another one, yeah? Happen to be related to that bloke over there? *points at Lord Voldemort*

LORD VOLDEMORT How dare you claiming I was related to a half-breed?!

COUNT DRACULA Hey!

DRACO Who is this?!

NARCISSA *bends over and whispers something to his ear*

DRACO And why aren't we allowed to speak his name?

ARTEMIS FOWL Copyright infringement.

DRACO I beg your pardon?

ARTEMIS FOWL Copyright infringement. It means that no one may use that name, or they'll sue the stuff out of you.

DRACO Oh? *looking puzzled* Is that why we mustn't speak out his name either? *beckons at Voldemort*

LORD VOLDEMORT *menacing* No, it isn't.

DRACO *hurriedly* Sorry, mylord! I - I'll be better from now on - too gracious, your lordship -

DAGAFI You're not the only one here. In fact, many of us find that only in this group, their struggles are properly appreciated. Now, my dear friends - I thought our aim for tonight could be that we try to work a bit more constructively. Try to phrase your next aim for your fellows, and we can all try to discuss then how it can best be reached. Any questions or suggestions?

JACK SPARROW *eagerly trying to catch Dagafi's eye*

DAGAFI *ignoring him* Nothing? Fine. Why don't you make a start, Mademoiselle Amélie?

AMÉLIE POULAIN Oh... I don't think I 'ave anything special in mind... I like to make the people around me 'appy, you see -

JACK SPARROW That can easily be arranged, luv! Ya know what they say, love thy neighbour!

AMÉLIE POULAIN Actually, now that think about it, my foremost aim would be getting rid off Monsieur Sparrow.

JACK SPARROW Captain Sparrow, if you please!

TRINITY It's his hair, isn't it?

NEO ANDERSOM *genially* My next aim is making my MP3 player work -

ARTEMIS FOWL *laughing derisively*

DAGAFI What about you, Mr Greyback? You've been so quiet lately!

GREYBACK *wakes up from silent reverie while staring at Narcissa's throat* What?

DAGAFI What would you like to do most in the future?

GREYBACK *grinning shrewdly* Oh... I got a couple of ideas in that quarter... *continues to gaze at Narcissa's throat and bares his fangs*

LUCIUS *threateningly* Careful, mate. I know a very good peltmonger, and my study could do with a new doormat!

DRACULA As for my plans... I published some lonely-heart ads, and it got me four dates for next week.

JACK SPARROW Still looking for a bride then, buddy?

DRACULA Being single can be quite amusing for a century or two, but on the long run -

THE VAMPIRE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED *disdainfully* Ph!

DRACULA I'd like to spend eternity with my true soul mate. *wistful*

AMÉLIE POULAIN *sighs, moved to tears*

JACK SPARROW I want to get my ship back! That bloody scoundrel's stolen it! Again!

TRINITY *raises her hand* I have a suggestion - can we help Jack to get his ship back, so we're rid of him once and for all?

JACK SPARROW I knew you'd warm up to me!

LORD VOLDEMORT I know some better ways to get rid of him!

TERRY BENEDICT So do I. Involving a .45 and some concrete -

LORD VOLDEMORT My first and foremost aim is still killing off Potter.

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL I thought we had talked about that, Mr Voldemort.

DRACO *shudders when hearing that name*

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL If you want to work on your image, you've got to stop fantasising about killing children.

LORD VOLDEMORT I don't want to work on my image so much, what I really want is seeing Potter dead.

DRACO I second that.

SNAPE Me too.

BELLATRIX I want to see him before that end... *sniggers venomously*

DAGAFI But Mr Voldemort -

DRACO *shudders again*

DAGAFI But we're reforming villains. Don't you have some other aim? Write a book, perhaps?

LORD VOLDEMORT Oh, my autobiography's already taken care of. Sold millions so far.

LUCIUS What's he talking about an autobiography, if it's anyone's biography, that'd be Potter's!

SNAPE *quickly and quietly* Sh! I bewitched his copies for him! You know how - upset - he can get, and incidentally, the real books don't make you, me, or your son look too good either!

DAGAFI You could learn to play an instrument -

LORD VOLDEMORT I'm a bit too old for that.

DAGAFI Oh, it's never too late!

LORD VOLDEMORT No... No, I think I really, really want to make short work of Potter and not much else!

DAGAFI *with a very forced smile* What about the rest of your entourage now? Draco? You aren't too old to learn playing an instrument, surely.

DRACO Go and talk to my mother, man!

NARCISSA Chou-chou, be nice!

DAGAFI So what are your plans for your future?

DRACO *beaming* I want to become the Dark Lord's second-in-command!

LUCIUS That's not possible, son. I'm the second-in-command.

DRACO *very quietly* You're now, father.

LORD VOLDEMORT *has heard him and replies equally quietly* We'll see what we can do about that on the long run, son, shall we?

DRACO *shoots him fond glance and whispers* Can I call you daddy?

DAGAFI And you, Mrs Malfoy?

NARCISSA Oh, I've developed a knitwear collection - 'For Your Dearest Enemy', I've called it...

SOPHIE FATALE Why for the enemies?

NARCISSA *smiling brightly* Oh, because it's all cursed, didn't I mention that? Cursed scarves that strangle you... Cursed sweaters that give you a heart attack and make you smell really bad... Cursed socks that force you to go on running until you collapse -

FAIRY GODMOTHER How lovely!

NARCISSA Yes, isn't it?

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL I knew you had entrepreneurial spirit, my dear!

JACK SPARROW Can you reserve me one of those scarves? I'd want to send old Barbossa one!

LUCIUS We could send Potter a pair of socks. *sneering angrily* I guess I still owe him one!

NARCISSA *smiling and patting his arm* But that's all taken care of already, darling. With a nice card from his aunt.

DAGAFI All very well, ladies and gentlemen, but I thought we had agreed to depart from the way of wickedness and try to be better in the future!

LORD VOLDEMORT, SARUMAN, SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM See, we thought there was a misconception!

DAGAFI *exasperated* Yes, on your part!

TERRY BENEDICT Let's make a quick poll. Anyone voting pro redemption?

AMÉLIE POULAIN *beams and raises her hand*

MRS COULTER What do you comprehend by that term?

TERRY BENEDICT Now who want to continue like before with refined techniques?

BASICALLY EVERYBODY *raise their hands jeering*

DAGAFI *groaning with sagging shoulders and turning away*

SNAPE I'd say we ought to vote for a new chairman then. I'd be willing to take it upon me to carry out that strenuous task -