Villains Unite!

- inside assembly room, lots of bottles standing around, DAGAFI enchained and gagged in the background -

TRINITY Can we please come to an order?! *bangs with mallet on Jack Sparrow's head*

JACK SPARROW OUCH!

TRINITY *grins with satisfaction* I thought we had agreed -

AMÉLIE POULAIN I didn't agree to mistreat poor Mr Dagafi! *shoots him sympathetic glance* Anything we can do for you, Sir?

DAGAFI Grmph!

SNAPE *looking as if he'd like to speak up, but glancing at his plastered arms, he refrains*

TRINITY We agreed to have some constructive debate on how we can all proceed with our respective fights in the future!

NEO ANDERSON Very true, my love.

JACK SPARROW As I keep telling you, luv - relax! Easy! No harm done with getting sloshed before -

DRACULA I have some questions. After all, I haven't been - dating - for a couple of centuries. Have you got any tips for me? *hits Jack Sparrow on the head when this one is about to say something* Any useful tips?

BARTLEBY You'll find that there have been some material changes in between, Count.

LOKI Oh, and why would you know that?!

BARTLEBY I don't have to answer you for every minute of my day, have I?

LOKI *looks affronted*

BARTELBY Women pay their own drinks themselves nowadays -

FRANCOIS TOULOURS Do they?!

O-REN ISHII And kisses on the hand. Totally out of style. The last bloke who did that with me - *turns to Sophie Fatale* do we still have his hand, dear?

SOPHIE FATALE No, we fed it to the crocodiles when it began to stink.

TERRY BENEDICT As a rule of thumb - pretend to take interest in whatever they say.

DRACULA Well, that was the same in my time!

THE VAMPIRE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED You'll find that women are a lot easier nowadays. Not as prissy as they used to be.

O-REN ISHII *contemptuously* You think so?

BARTLEBY Yeah, well, you no longer need to pretend you wanted to marry them -

LOKI *incredulously gaping at his mate*

BARTLEBY And even breaking off engagements is no longer such a big deal.

O-REN ISHII *with a malicious, reminiscent gaze* The last bloke who told me he wanted to marry me... *sniggers*

SOPHIE FATALE Oh, yes, I remember... *grins, too*

O-REN ISHII Told him I'd rather keep his ring finger than have his hand... Though I think we kept both.

SOPHIE FATALE No, that was the other one. This one -

NARCISSA *pressing her hands onto Draco's ears* Ladies, please!

DRACO Mum! *struggles with her grip on him*

BUTLER And then, there's also the whole thing with the internet dating.

ARTEMIS FOWL *raising his eyebrows until they disappear underneath his fringe*

BUTLER *blushes fiercely and avoids Artemis Fowl's gaze*

NEO ANDERSON Internet dating - in a fashion, Trinity and I met on this way... *dreamily*

TRINITY No, we really didn't. We met during our mutual fight against the system!!!

DRACO *curiously* Can you elaborate on that dating thing?

LUCIUS *strict* Only muggles use the internet, son!

ARTEMIS FOWL You go to a single chat, get yourself a username, log in -

BUTLER *raises his eyebrows and stares at Artemis Fowl*

ARTEMIS FOWL *blushes and looks the other way* Anyhow, you get the hang of it rather quickly!

DRACO *takes notes*

DRACULA Can we please come back to my problem?

FRANCOIS TOULOUR First of all, you get yourself a good car. Something vintage. A Jaguar - a Maserati - a sweet Alpha Romeo Spider convertible -

THE VAMPIRE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED Convertibles are no good with our skin condition.

DRACO, ARTEMIS FOWL, LUCIUS, NARCISSA, LORD VOLDEMORT and DRACULA *nod sadly*

TERRY BENEDICT After driving her around in your limo, you take her to your own casino -

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Or your posh mansion. But you better be sure she doesn't bug you before you do that. It's so hard to get rid of them again.

SOPHIE FATALE and MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *scowl at him*

TERRY BENEDICT The food, and the drinks are essential, too. Oysters... Champaign...

FRANCOIS TOULOUR I like to date models, they don't eat anything, anyway.

TERRY BENEDICT I hadn't fathomed you to be so miserly, Monsieur Toulour!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Not miserly. Just impatient. The shorter the dinner, the less you must listen to them.

O-REN ISHII *threateningly* If you've got such sensitive ears, I can chop them off for you, Monsieur! *plays with her Samurai blade*

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *quickly* I'm afraid not every woman is as interesting and eloquent as you are, Mademoiselle Ishii!

NARCISSA Be charming, but not submissive, Count. Obliging, but not weak. Attentive but not needy.

SOPHIE FATALE, ELEKTRA KING, MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *nod approvingly*

DRACO *keeps on scribbling*

JACK SPARROW Now that we've fixed up the old geezer, can we come back to my problem?

TRINITY You keep on losing your bloody ship all the time, Jack! Why don't you try for once to keep sober, perhaps you can keep your stuff then!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL And while you're at it, pop into a barber shop!

TRINITY Thank you, lady!

NARCISSA And a dentist!

JACK SPARROW *grinning at her and flashing his teeth* Why, I thought you like gold so much, luv?

LUCIUS *glares at him* Watch who you call 'luv', Captain!

JACK SPARROW Finally someone using my proper title! *beaming*

LORD VOLDEMORT It's my turn now! So, what can I do to lay my hands on Potter?

AMÉLIE POULAIN Why don't you leave the poor boy alone, Monsieur?

LORD VOLDEMORT Because neither of us can live while the other -

SNAPE And also because the boy's so utterly annoying!

DRACO He really, really is.

SOPHIE FATALE You can always sue him, in my professional opinion. As I always say - if you can't kill 'em yourself, make them kill themselves!

LADY SUSAN My offer is valid. I can give you my daughter's address - let her bore him to death.

JACK SPARROW Fix him up with lovely Elizabeth. That girl's managed to have every guy she's ever kissed drop dead almost instantly.

AMÉLIE POULAIN *feelingly* Is her breath that bad?

GREYBACK I know that problem.

JACK SPARROW No, her breath is as lovely as the rest of her. It's more - her. And if she's not killing you with her kisses, she'll get you murdered by one of her foolhardy plans. Or both.

TRINITY Be glad that you lost that bet with her back then. That she wouldn't make out with you -

JACK SPARROW Oh, she did kiss me once.

TRINITY And yet you're here.

JACK SPARROW Yeah, now. But I was dead two minutes after kissing her. She fetched me back from the netherworld.

TRINITY Why on earth would she do that?! What's wrong with her?!

LADY SUSAN Foolish girl. I should introduce her to Frederica...

JACK SPARROW Very foolish, yeah! She could have married that nice Commodore, but instead she went for the blacksmith whelp!

AMÉLIE POULAIN How romantic!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL No, decidedly foolish! A husband who's away ten months a year - priceless!

LADY SUSAN *nods forcefully*

LORD VOLDEMORT Can we come back to POTTER?!

THE EMPEROR Why don't you just try to corrupt him? So easily done with young boys *catches glance from Darth Vader* uhm...

ELEKTRA KING A letter bomb. No problem.

SARUMAN I thought you were a Dark wizard, good man! How hard can it be to curse an adolescent boy!

LORD VOLDEMORT Been there, tried that... My wand doesn't work against his wand.

SARUMAN *scornful* And you really cannot get a new wand, right?

LORD VOLDEMORT But I like my wand! I've had it for more than fifty years!

TERRY BENEDICT Sentimentality won't get you anywhere.

ARTEMIS FOWL I could be persuaded to cut a deal with you, Mr Voldemort -

DRACO *winces back*

ARTEMIS FOWL If you can't beat him with your wand magic, I could lend you the service of Butler here - he's been educated in every combat technique that matters.

BUTLER *looking scandalised*

LORD VOLDEMORT *eager* And what would you demand in return for your help?

ARTEMIS FOWL *wriggles a brow and sneers*