Villains Unite!

DAGAFI My dear friends, welcome back, welcome back. Such a pleasure to see the old hands, and I also spot some new faces in our circle. Our reputation is spreading. Please, would the newcomers like to introduce themselves. Perhaps you want to start, Madam?

FAIRY GODMOTHER Hello and a wonderful evening to all of you. You will have heard of me before, I am the Fairy Godmother of -

DRACO Nope.

AMÉLIE POULAIN Pardon, never heard of you either.

SOPHIE FATALE Fairy Godmother! Ph! How old do you think we are, eh?

DAGAFI Please, let the lady speak out. Madam?

FAIRY GODMOTHER As I was saying, I am the Fairy Godmother, my headquarters are in the Kingdom of Far Far Away -

DAGAFI And what have you come here for?

FAIRY GODMOTHER Well, I've lately suffered a severe blow in my designs - my dominion was vanquished - my son robbed of the kingdom that had been promised to him - I thought it was time to move elsewhere and see what I can do -

DAGAFI Yes, and you've come to just the right place, Madam! So what about the gentleman next to you?

KING HAGGARD My name is King Haggard -

DARTH VADER *pensively* The voice sounds familiar...

DRACULA *coughing* I didn't say anything.

SARUMAN Neither did I!

KING HAGGARD My only pleasure in life was collecting unicorns, but since my castle has been destroyed by a whole herd of them, I was forced to move house -

DAGAFI And how have you heard of G.R.O.S.S.?

KING HAGGARD I happen to live next to the Fairy Godmother, and she suggested I should come here with her.

JACK SPARROW Lovely couple, aren't they? Proves one can still find love in old age!

TRINITY Shut up, Jack. You couldn't even find love in your youth, with that hairdo!

LORD VOLDEMORT *interested* And where is that herd of unicorns now, Mr Haggard?

KING HAGGARD *wiping a tear away* Gone with the wind.

LORD VOLDEMORT Blast it.

DAGAFI And we have yet another new member. May I introduce Mrs Coulter to you?

MRS COULTER *bows gracefully*

BELLATRIX *gleeful* You've got a rival for the prom queen title, Cissy!

DAGAFI Mrs Coulter, please tell us what you are charged for!

MRS COULTER Numerous things, really. My ex is still angry with me for trying to abduct our daughter -

LADY SUSAN You have to get rid of them, not the other way round!

MRS COULTER Which isn't even true, in a way... Lyra was the only child I did not technically abduct. The others, admittedly, but not her. But Asriel was always so vindictive.

DRACO The others...?!

GREYBACK *hungrily* What did you do after abducting them?

MRS COULTER Well, we've tried to cut their souls from them, didn't we?

NARCISSA *gasps incredulously and pulls Draco close*

LORD VOLDEMORT I am familiar with the concept -

LUCIUS *slightly backing away from him with a suspicious look and shielding Draco, too*

DRACO *trying to free himself from his parents' violent care* ...not a child anymore!

JACK SPARROW *staring at Mrs Coulter* That is really gross, woman!

MRS COULTER *pouting* Yes, yes, go and side with Asriel, I'm used to it!

LORD ASRIEL Oh, come off it, Marisa!

DAGAFI *smiling genially* And you are...?

LORD ASRIEL I am her ex, come to that. Lord Asriel.

DAGAFI And your crime would be?

LORD ASRIEL *casual* I'm on a crusade to kill god.

O-REN ISHII, SOPHIE FATALE, FRANCOIS TOLOURS and TERRY BENEDICT *exchange high-brow looks*

JACK SPARROW And they say I was drunk.

DRACULA How interesting, Lord Asriel! Allow me to introduce myself - I am Count Dracula...

QUEEN OF HEARTS I know how to slice a head off, but how on earth do you cut a soul away now?

NARCISSA *appalled* Really, no technical details, please! I've only just eaten dinner!

O-REN ISHII You're a little too sensitive on the stomach for the villain's business, aren't you?

NARCISSA About business matters, you must talk to my husband, please.

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL My dear Mrs Malfoy, allow me a remark, will you? I couldn't but notice that you appear to stand in the shadow of your husband, which is really sad, since you seem like a sensible young woman that could - and should - take matters into her own hands!

BELLATRIX *sneering* Don't encourage her, she could break a fingernail!

DAGAFI I think you've got an interesting point there, Madame de Merteuil. How many couples have we got here? And how many of your partnerships would you say are equal in their rights and duties?

TRINITY Neo and I share everything.

NEO ANDERSON Whatever you say, my love.

BELLATRIX Rodolphus and I shared a prison cell for fourteen years!

LUCIUS and NARCISSA *rolling their eyes*

MRS COULTER Asriel and I don't even fight on the same side.

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL You hear that all the time with married couples.

MRS COULTER No, no. We've never been married.

LADY SUSAN And I am accused of adultery! You've got a daughter together!

DARTH VADER That's why I've killed my poor Amidala... *suppressing a dry sob* All of a sudden, we weren't on the same side anymore...

THE EMPEROR *pointedly looking the other way*

LOKI Sorry we're late -

BARTLEBY Speak for yourself! I told you we ought to have turned right behind Cairo!

LOKI Now can you stop niggling for just five minutes! Who was it losing the maps in the diner in West Virginia, eh?

DAGAFI *genially* Ah, newcomers! Never mind, never mind, please introduce yourselves!

LOKI *smiling sheepishly* Hi there - uh - the name's Loki, and this is my old pal Bartleby!

BARTLEBY *coolly beckoning*

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Ah, we were just talking about partnerships. How long have you've been together?

BARTLEBY *looking at Loki and shrugging* Three thousand years, count a hundred few or less -

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *gasping* And you never fight?

LOKI Well, only lately. He's become somewhat spiteful and mean-spirited...

BARTLEBY Me? Mean-spirited? Who's got us into this whole mess, eh? Whose fault is it that we're incarcerated in Wisconsin of all places?!

NARCISSA You hear them, Bella? Incarcerated for three thousand years. Beat that before you complain the next time.

BELLATRIX *scowling* Well, Wisconsin isn't Azkaban!

BARTLEBY I don't know about your Azkaban, but I don't believe it could become much worse!

LOKI I get that all the time. Since the turn of time, he's going on and on, how all of you are going to be saved, and how only we will be stuck in Wisconsin until the end of time.

DAGAFI That's why we're here for, gentlemen! You're not hopeless. We want to help each other to walk the stony path of redemption -

BARNABY I prefer flying, thank you very much.

ARTEMIS FOWL That'd explain the enormous wing span.

LOKI And we cannot be saved anyway. God expelled us from heaven.

COUNT DRACULA I so know what you mean!

LORD ASRIEL *curious* Excuse me, sirs, but did I get that right? You're outcast insiders?

LOKI *wistfully* Yes... But we want to go home!

LORD ASRIEL *grinning slyly* I could help you with that, in exchange for some information... *they begin talking quietly*

NARCISSA *pensively* Three thousand years... I wonder what anti-ageing crème they're using...

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Angels.

NARCISSA Never heard of it. You use that product as well, Madame?

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL No, no. They are angels. They don't age. Trust me, I'm a Catholic, I know these things.

ARTEMIS FOWL In any case, the large wings were a bit of a give-away.

SNAPE *tartly* Are you dissatisfied with the potion I've brewed for you, Narcissa?

NARCISSA Oh, it's lovely, Severus. I was just thinking that it won't conserve me for three thousand years. What are you using, Count?

COUNT DRACULA Blood.

THE ALCHEMIST Yes, virgin blood in particular can yield amazing effects.

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *startled* Now where did you come from?!

THE ALCHEMIST I'm a phantom. I come around.

DAGAFI *smiling kindly* Welcome, gentleman! Please, be so good and tell us your name and occupation!

THE ALCHEMIST The name is The Alchemist, and that's also my occupation.

SNAPE Ah, a fellow potions master!

FAIRY GODMOTHER How lovely!

DARTH VADER I like your mask. Very flashy.

THE ALCHEMIST I like yours, too!

FAIRY GODMOTHER And are you working on something special at the moment? Or did you invent anything we've heard of?

THE ALCHEMIST *smugly* Well, I'm sure you've heard of the Philosopher's Stone. I've made it.

LORD VOLDEMORT *enthusiastically* You don't say!

THE ALCHEMIST Ah, it's not as cracked up as people assume it to be. Presently, I'm working on another project to make myself immortal.

LORD VOLDEMORT He's in the trade! *ravished*

COUNT DRACULA Really, gentlemen, immortality isn't half as eligible as everyone thinks. After some centuries, you get bored out of your minds.

LOKI *raising his head* With you on that one, Count!

DAGAFI So, what is it that has made you notorious, Mr Alchemist?

THE ALCHEMIST Well, I'm a virgin slayer.

NARCISSA *twisting her face and backing away, pulling Draco with her*

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *patting Narcissa's arm* It's just a phrase, dear.

THE ALCHEMIST No, it isn't.

NARCISSA *panically seizing Draco close*

DRACO *embarrassed* Mum, please! I'm not a -

THE ALCHEMIST I don't use boys anyway. Don't worry.

DRACO For the last time, I'm not a vir-

LORD VOLDEMORT Can we come back to the whole immortality question?

DAGAFI That's come up a couple of times so far. I wonder - how many of you are immortal?

VOLDEMORT, DRACULA, THE ALCHEMIST and FAIRY GODMOTHER *raise their hands*

KING HAGGARD I used to be for some time, does that count?

LORD VOLDEMORT *disdainfully* No, it doesn't. Either you are immortal or you're not!

THE ALCHEMIST Well, one needs to keep on taking the right measures, right? And if you've got no more access -

KING HAGGARD Exactly!

LORD VOLDEMORT Amateurs!

KING HAGGARD Why, what do you use then?

LORD VOLDEMORT I split my soul and put it in inanimate objects.

SNAPE *giggling* And what objects! *cracking up and cringing with laughter*

COUNT DRACULA I still say that immortality is overrated.

FAIRY GODMOTHER, THE ALCHEMIST and VOLDEMORT Speak for yourself!

NARCISSA *to Bellatrix* Starling, those resemblances, don't you think? That Count and cousin Sirius... That Nottingham Sheriff over there and Savvy... You and Lucius' uncle Ethelbart -

BELLATRIX *thumps her and sends her to the ground*