Villains Unite!

- inside assembly room -

DAGAFI My dear friends! So happy to welcome you again, especially after last time's unforeseen success! I think we're really on to something here! And our reputation is spreading, I am very pleased to be able introducing you to two new members - this is Miss Electra King, and over there's Count Dracula.

ELEKTRA KING and COUNT DRACULA *beckon at the crowd*

DAGAFI I'll leave it to them to explain more. Ladies first, Miss King!

ELECTRA KING Ah... Good evening, my name is Electra King, I'm the heiress of a gigantic oil empire -

JR EWING How exciting! A rival! And for once a good-looking one!

ELECTRA KING - and I hate my father, albeit my somewhat unfortunate name.

LORD VOLDEMORT I like that girl already.

ELECTRA KING My last boyfriend was an infamous terrorist, I'm still mourning for his loss and seek revenge - that's to cut a long story short.

COUNT DRACULA So it's my turn then? Okay - I'm Count Dracula, I'm a living legend - or rather say, an un-dead legend. I'm the most famous vampire of all -

LORD VOLDEMORT Just another half-breed, oh my -

GREYBACK What did you just say?!

LORD VOLDEMORT You are different, of course, Fenrir.

LUCIUS *under his breath* No, he isn't.

DAGAFI You are looking for redemption, Count Dracula?

COUNT DRACULA Yes, well... I'd like to, sure, just without being staked, if you know what I mean. What I'm really looking for is a bride.

JACK SPARROW Why steal a cow if you only want a glass of milk, buddy?

COUNT DRACULA I don't drink... milk.

JACK SPARROW That's sensible. Care for a glass of Caribbean rum?

COUNT DRACULA I don't drink rum either. It was a literal reverence.

BELLATRIX *pensively* You know, Cissy, that guy somehow reminds me of cousin Sirius...

NARCISSA Startling resemblance, isn't it?

DRACO You mean we've got vampire relatives?!

BELLATRIX I sincerely don't hope so!

NARCISSA No, mon petit chou-chou -

DRACO *blushes badly*

NARCISSA - they've simply got very similar features. Our ancestry is as pure as can be, don't worry.

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Are you a real aristocrat then, or just another of those phoney ones, like that Lord Voldemort and Lord Vader?

LORD VOLDEMORT and DARTH VADER HEY!

COUNT DRACULA I'm a real aristocrat, Madame. You might know me by my old name, Count Vlad Tepes, lord of Transsylvania. But 'Dracula' sounds better, doesn't it?

DRACO It's certainly got a ring to it!

TRINITY Come the revolution!

PHOOLAN DEVI With you on that, sister!

TRINITY To make an end of all those decadent self-declared aristocrats, and the wannabees as well!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *gets pale* How dare you !

FRANCOIS TOULOUR You're not very up-to-date, Marquise. Let me fill you in on some bits of news... *bents over and starts whispering in her ear* ... French Revolution... decapitations...

QUEEN OF HEARTS Decapitations, you say? How lovely!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *getting paler and paler*

JR EWING Miss King - or may I call you Electra?

ELECTRA KING Certainly not!

JR EWING Electra, I'm in the oil business as well. Now what do you make of the recent policy of the OPEC -

JR EWING and ELECTRA KING *start whispering*

DAGAFI *smiling happily* Yes, that's what G.R.O.S.S. is all about, after all. Finding new friends - discover things in common - I've been confirmed in my opinion by the breakthrough successes we've made last time. Miss Trinity and Miss Devi - Mr Voldemort and Mr Vader... What about you two, hm? *looks at Draco and Artemis Fowl*

DRACO Just because we're the only teenagers around here doesn't mean we've had the slightest thing in common, Mister!

ARTEMIS FOWL Exactly!

DAGAFI Not so quickly, boys! It does not do to dwell on prejudices! You might have more in common than you think now! For example - how do your fellow students deal with your ambitions?

DRACO Depends on whom you ask, doesn't it?

ARTEMIS FOWL I avoid going to school, if I can.

DRACO I wish I could do that as well, but my mother won't let me!

ARTEMIS FOWL Oh yeah, I know the problem. You must simply start to write your own excuses and forge her signature.

NARCISSA Hey!

DRACO Wouldn't work - my Head of House is a good friend of my parents! *beckons towards Snape*

ARTEMIS FOWL I'd say that sucks, if this was the sort of language I'd employ.

DAGAFI That's a start, boys! Go ahead!

DRACO Shut up, muggle!

ARTEMIS FOWL Yes, Mr Dagafi, kindly refrain from butting in on our conversation!

DRACO See, I'm on a boarding school, it's kind of hart to sneak out -

ARTEMIS FOWL Rather the opposite, trust me! I'm attending a boarding school, too, I know what I'm talking about. Normal schools are more difficult, you'd have to constantly think of new excuses. On a boarding school however, one good excuse can spare you weeks on end...

*they continue to talk quietly, Gadafi walks on and approaches Francois Toulour*

DAGAFI Monsieur Toulour, I think you might be interested to talk to Mr Butler here. I've heard you are an expert for Capoeira, and Mr Butler is an old hand in all sorts of martial arts!

BUTLER Capoeira is no martial arts technique, it's just dancing around in a fancy way!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Now that would mean to oversimplify the matter!

BUTLER You're entitled to your own opinion, Mister.

FRANCOIS TOULOUR In a way, you could say that not hitting someone is much more difficult than hitting them. It takes perfect control of the body, perfect timing and a great anticipation of one's opponent's moves -

BUTLER And in the same moment, it's perfectly useless, yes.

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *snorts derisively* Useless? I couldn't begin to count the numerous times when my skills have enabled me the most difficult coups! Vanquishing your opponent by quickness, dexterity and litheness, instead of brutal force or high-tech gimmicks - that's the true art to it!

TERRY BENEDICT You're so conservative, Monsieur Toulour! Forgive me, I couldn't help it but listen.

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Conservative...?

TERRY BENEDICT Yes, you utterly decline the technical advances of the past century, or the possibility of true elegance beyond your own narrow-minded views. That's what I call 'conservative'. The same goes for you, Mr Butler.

FRANCOIS TOULOURS You Americans! Ts! Ever ready to believe in and worship the new deity - unlimited sciences and progress!

TERRY BENEDICT I could say the same about you Europeans and your old-fashioned, stuck-up holding onto overcome views!

BUTLER Hold it, Mister! You don't talk like that about master Arty!

TERRY BENEDICT That's exactly what I'm talking about! You're a grown-up man of - what? - thirty-five? Forty? Yet you stick to refer to this presumptuous teenage boy as 'master' - you wouldn't say that's old-fashioned?

BUTLER How to explain an American void of culture or tradition the value and beauty of culture and tradition, eh?

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Now there's finally a point I can agree with!

BUTLER And don't you claim master Arty was 'presumptuous', you puffed-up mobster!

TERRY BENEDICT I can claim what I want, good man! Just take a look around, and not even you can be so blind not to see it with your own two eyes! Forget your 'master' for a second and watch all those people! For example this whole crew of Englishmen over there - this self-declared Lord and Dark wizard, with his ridiculous hood, and bunch of fancy henchmen! Or the high-brow Lady, who arrogates herself to be entitled marrying away her own daughter - as if this one didn't even have a say in it! Or this queen of whatever, who wants to cut off everyone's heads if their noses don't appeal to her!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Being an American, you should be familiar with that line of policy!

TERRY BENEDICT I needn't listen to a Frenchman and an Englishmen criticising our line of policy! Where would you be without us, eh?!

BUTLER I'm Irish, you ignorant fool!

OTTO Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So don't call me stupid, lad. Just thank me.

TERRY BENEDICT English, Irish - as if there was a big difference!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR To you, Quebec is just the capital of one of your more northern states, isn't it?

TERRY BENEDICT Oh yes, that's a likely cliché, isn't it? The dumb, uneducated American, right? I happen to have a Stanford degree!

BUTLER Yet you think Ireland was a part of England!

TERRY BENEDICT And if I asked you on which island Kobe is located? Or who invented the lightning conductor? Or -

BUTLER Master Arty is undefeated in Trivial Pursuit!

TERRY BENEDICT Yes, your dear master Arty! And what about you, you big gorilla?

BUTLER *grinning* I can still knock the stuffing out of you in thirty different ways, that's my field of expertise!

TERRY BENEDICT *grinning as well* Just for the record - I want it noted that it was the Irishman and not the American who's said that!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Yes, and I would like to record it that it was the Frenchman who's nicked both of your wallets without your notice while you were speaking. Dexterity and quickness, Messieurs!