Villains Unite!

- the usual assembly room -

DAGAFI *still wearing a bandage around his head and his right arm in a plaster* My dear friends - or those who could escape out of the hospital yet... I'm glad that we meet again. To avoid any new disconcerts like on our last two meetings, I have asked everyone to come unarmed this time. I hope this will cause you no further distress - I know how important arms can be for one's feeling of personal security. Since I've had the impression that there are a lot of unresolved, old conflicts and a lot of tension in many of us, I've thought that this could be today's topic - please, let's take a round and have everyone relate what bugs them most. Who wants to start?

ARTEMIS FOWL Well, what really bugs me is that I'm condemned to hang around with you lot. I've got better to do with my time!

BUTLER Master Arty, your mother has been very clear on this head. You must stay.

ARTEMIS FOWL And that's another thing that's getting on my nerves - servants who will humiliate me in public by calling me silly pet names!

DRACO *sympathetically* I know what you mean. My mum does the same.

ARTEMIS FOWL What does she call you then?

DRACO I wouldn't tell you for all my father's fortunes!

NARCISSA Nah, mon petit chou-chou, you mustn't be ashamed of this, you know?

DRACO *groans and hides his face behind his hands, head-shaking*

NARCISSA What did I say now? I'm not complaining although my own sister calls me 'Cissy' in front of other people.

BELLATRIX But you ARE a cissy! Namby-pamby Cissy, that's what you are!

NARCISSA See? And I'm still not complaining, you old hag!

BELLATRIX I tell you what's annoying me, shall I?

LUCIUS *sighing* As if we had a choice!

BELLATRIX I am seriously distressed because I have sacrificed a great part of my life, my entire youth and beauty, for my revered master's sake, and nobody will thank me for it!

THE EMPEROR Oh, I know what you mean. It's quite the same with me! I've given many years, all my strength and cunning, and my remarkably handsome looks, to bring the galaxy under my control and pacify all the internal struggles, local wars for dominance, and create a stable, peaceful empire instead. And does anyone praise me for it? No, of course not, those ungrateful idiots!

NEO ANDERSON *passionately* Death to all usus- urus- upus-

TRINITY Usurpators, darling.

NEO ANDERSON Thank you, darling. Yes - death to all usurpators! Freedom for all!

THE EMPEROR I hate those ruddy rebels!

TERRY BENEDICT You've noticed that, too? The underdogs always get all the credits, and for what, I ask you! I've built up an empire from scratch, I'm a self-made man, and does anyone acknowledge it? Of course not. They all root for these petty criminals who try to destroy it all.

JR EWING I so know what you mean!

LORD VOLDEMORT Yes! Yes! I've made myself immortal, and all I receive for it is hate and fear!

JACK SPARROW You've nicked some of that cursed gold, too, mate? Well, explains the bony looks, I reckon -

LORD VOLDEMORT *getting worked up* Who gets the applause? That awful Potter brat! Who does everybody love and worship? Potter! Who wouldn't know which way round to hold his wand if it wasn't for Dumbledore's assistance, but everyone thinks him to be great regardless? Potter!

SOPHIE FATALE Did that man say he was immortal?

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *amused* He did, ma chère.

SOPHIE FATALE *makes a gesture to indicate that Voldemort is crazy* I thought so.

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL There's a very simple way to deal with this, Monsieur Voldemort -

BELLATRIX, WORMTAIL, LUCIUS and DRACO *gasp in terror*

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Just discredit this Potter guy. Spread lies and rumours -

LUCIUS Been there, done that.

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL - Implant embarrassing items in his house, claim he was seducing sixteen year old virgins -

DRACO There's a tiny problem about that. Potter's a sixteen year old virgin himself.

LUCIUS And the whole discrediting thing hasn't worked out either. I've tried, believe me!

LORD VOLDEMORT I've tried and tried and tried, but nothing is working! He's like bad seed, you cannot get rid of him!

LADY SUSAN *sneering* I could try to marry him off to my daughter Frederica - that would kill him!

LORD VOLDEMORT Nothing kills him! Don't think I hadn't tried!

AMÉLIE POULAIN You have tried to kill a sixteen year old child? *taken aback*

LORD VOLDEMORT Well, I'd have killed him as a one year old baby if the spell hadn't backfired!

AMÉLIE POULAIN *wide-eyed and shocked* That's sick!

LORD VOLDEMORT Yes, isn't it? I had to roam the forests of Albania for many years until I got my body back!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *quietly addressing Terry Benedict* Yeah, and it looks as if someone has been using his body instead in the interim and wasn't very careful about it!

TERRY BENEDICT *giggles*

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL I think I've figured out your image problem, Monsieur Voldemort. Assassinating babies is bound to make one look unpopular.

SNAPE *casually* He wasn't that popular before either -

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL The crucial point is that you must try to make yourself look good. Be charitable, be charming, make everyone think you're such a fabulous guy -

LUCIUS *doubtfully watching his boss* Charitable and charming...?

LORD VOLDEMORT *indignant* I was charming in my youth!

LUCIUS Forgive me, my Lord, I just wasn't yet born then -

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Fact is - instead of killing infants, you must make it seem as if you were rescuing them. Select a pretty child, set their house on fire - but so that no one could accuse you for it - run in and save it from mortal peril - that's how you gather fans.

LORD VOLDEMORT Interesting idea, Madame! Why aren't you taking notes, Wormtail?!

WORMTAIL My Lord, I didn't -

LORD VOLDEMORT Stop whining, for goodness' sake! He does that all the time - whine, whine, whine!

LADY SUSAN It's so hard to get good servants these days!

DAGAFI I think we've made the first breakthrough here! Excellent, excellent! Who wants to go on? What about you, Mr Vader? What upsets you, hm?

DARTH VADER Oh, where to start... As a child, I've been enslaved -

NEO ANDERSON Weren't we all, brother?

DARTH VADER My mother was killed, and I've come too late for her rescue -

AMÉLIE POULAIN *sympathetically* What about your father, Monsieur?

DARTH VADER I don't have one. My mother got pregnant out of thin air -

LADY SUSAN *sniggering spitefully* Likely excuse, that one!

DARTH VADER I've been found and taken away by my later master, brought to his warrior order, but they were arrogant and complacent - in the end, it seemed that only I really wanted to end all those wars and struggles, and then my old master alienated my wife from myself -

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Oh là là!

LUCIUS *squinting at Narcissa and Voldemort, looking incredulous* Impossible!

DARTH VADER I've had those nightmares - all the time, I've seen her die, giving birth to my child - I wanted to save her, but there was nothing I could do...

LORD VOLDEMORT *makes snivelling sound* What a father!

DARTH VADER And in the end... the end... *sobs fiercely*

AMÉLIE POULAIN *pats his arm and makes a sympathetic face* Nah... It's all right. Don't cry, Monsieur...

THE EMPEROR *wryly* And in the end, he killed her himself, even before their child could be born.

AMÉLIE POULAIN *winces back in terror and stares at Darth Vader* No!

ARTEMIS FOWL Now here's one interesting way to cope with fear of loss, eh?

THE EMPEROR The good news is - the boy's survived nevertheless. The bad news though...

DARTH VADER *cries* He hates me! Refuses flat out to have anything to do with me!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Vindictive little brat.

SNAPE I kinda see where he's coming from -

LORD VOLDEMORT POTTER!!!

DARTH VADER My Amidala! My only love! I didn't mean to kill her!

LORD VOLDEMORT *nods, very touched* Sometimes it just happens!

DARTH VADER I've strangled her, just a little bit - didn't think she'd just drop dead, did I?!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *contemptuously* I detest men who abuse women!

THE EMPEROR He didn't mean to, Madame. He was confused and agitated. After all, she had just betrayed him.

TERRY BENEDICT Maybe the child isn't even yours, ever thought of that?

THE EMPEROR She didn't betray him like that, fool!

SNAPE *with a look of disgust* Nevertheless! I quite agree with the French lady - there's no excuse for men mistreating their wives!

DARTH VADER and LORD VOLDEMORT *embracing each other, weeping and sobbing*

SOPHIE FATALE *dryly* Watch that - kindred spirits!

LORD VOLDEMORT I wish my father had been like that!

DARTH VADER You're like the son I've never had!

JACK SPARROW Well, he already dresses like you.

O-REN ISHII *coolly* I'd be careful if I were you - I have killed the murderer of my mother.

DARTH VADER So have I! The whole lot of them, women and children inclusive!

DAGAFI Wiping out entire villages is no good for the PR.

PHOOLAN DEVI And it really messes up your karma!

JACK SPARROW Now who the heck are you?

PHOOLAN DEVI I've been sent here - this is the group for anonymous villains, isn't it? Sorry I'm late.

DAGAFI So I take it you're a villain, too, Madam?

PHOOLAN DEVI That really depends on the point of view you take, Mister. I was born to the lowest caste, abducted by villains and grossly abused - I wouldn't want to go into details, really. I could free myself after weeks of martyrdom, gathered a bunch of friends and henchmen and had my revenge. But the government didn't care for my reasons, they just made me an enemy of the state and India's most wanted criminal. So I went underground and became a bandit.

TRINITY It's all about the point of view you take! My Neo and me, for an instance, are thoroughly good people, whose only goal is to free human kind. But the system has declared us to be dangerous criminals and persecutes us!

PHOOLAN DEVI Oh, sister!

PHOOLAN DEVI and TRINITY *embrace each other, too*

DAGAFI *merrily* That's the sort of spirit I had in mind when founding this group!

SNAPE *sneering* And I've just come up with a suitable name, too.

DAGAFI Have you? Fantastic! What is it?

SNAPE *arching a brow* Group for the Rehabilitation Of Struggling Scoundrels. Or simply GROSS.

Phoolan Devi was a real person, her biography in short is what it is in the text. She was killed in 2001.

All other characters that aren't original HP are credited in the previous chapters.