Villains Unite!

- inside assembly room, camping chairs circle -

DAGAFI Good evening to all of you, my dear friends and fellow redemtionists! I'm very glad to announce that most of you could leave the hospital again, after last time's little accident, and that with the exception of Mr Tybalt, you've all come back to deepen our efforts. Mr Tybalt told me in private that he found some of our members a little too quick-tempered for his taste. I wonder what he was talking about, really... I'm also very happy to inform you that Mr Emperor, Mr Voldemort and Mr Saruman have managed to settle their argument - turned out to be a bit of a misunderstanding, of course. Mr Voldemort claims the rule over Britain, Mr Saruman about Middle Earth, and Mr Emperor is dominating the galaxy, no struggles for competence there. However - we weren't able last time to complete our little round of introductions, and I'd like you to continue as before. What about the young gentleman right over here?

ARTEMIS FOWL *arching a brow, speaking rather bored* My name is Artemis Fowl II, I'm thirteen and a criminal. The last two factors tend to worry my mother, so she's sent me here, after I've worn out ten or twelve school counsellors - she thinks you good people have more experience on that field and don't break so easily.

FRANCOIS TOULOUR We're no kindergarten and no institute for adolescent truants and pickpockets!

BUTLER *standing up slowly, giving Francois Toulour the evil eye* Master Artemis is no adolescent pickpocket, mister!

ARTEMIS FOWL *calmly* It's okay, Butler. Sorry, Sir, I didn't catch your name so far?

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *with a swagger* My name is Francois Toulour, I'm part French, part Italian and live near Lake Como. Oh, of course... I 'appen to be a master thief, notoriously known as the *dramatic eyebrow movement* Nightfox.

ARTEMIS FOWL *unimpressed* Really? So am I. If you doubt my sincerity, or qualification even, I invite you to check the Interpol computers. I have a file there since I've been eleven. My expertise covers grand larceny, abduction, blackmail, fraud, art forging, and every sort of computer swindle, apart from that, I'm inventing things. Have you any other question, Mr Toulour?

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *irritated* Not in this moment, no...

DAGAFI And why have you come, Mr Toulour?

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *grinning, self-satisfied* Ah, that... I 'ave lost roughly two 'undred million dollars, and I want them back. I've meant some of my colleagues here could perhaps inspire me.

JACK SPARROW You've lost two hundred million dollars, mate? What are you, treasurer of the Bank of England?

ARTEMIS FOWL He's an industrial magnate and billionaire, he's inherited a large fortune from his father, the title of a Baron from his mother, and doesn't actually steal for the money, or otherwise value of his objects. No, Mr Toulour here is a criminal for the mere pleasure of it. *beckons acknowledging*

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *half flattered, half suspicious* A minute ago, you didn't know my name - now you claim to know my mother's?

ARTEMIS FOWL Everyone serious in the business knows the Nightfox, Mr Toulour. And more, you've stolen one of the paintings that I've forged. I was very flattered that an expert such as yourself shouldn't have noticed that it was a fake.

TERRY BENEDICT Seems it happens to you all the time, Mr Toulour. Reuben has told me the story. Are you losing your grip?

DAGAFI *friendly* And you are...?

TERRY BENEDICT *grinning* The guy who's got this one's two hundred millions.

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *chooses to scowl at them all*

QUEEN OF HEARTS So you are all common criminals? I'd say the only thing one can do about you is cutting your heads off! Disgusting, really!

DAGAFI *smiling* My dear Madam, calm yourself! That's why we're all here, because we're criminals and try to better ourselves -

EVERYONE *disapproving mutters*

QUEEN OF HEARTS You have no idea about precedence and consequence, have you? So I've got to introduce myself, plebes! I am the Queen of Hearts -

AMÉLIE POULAIN *intrigued* Diana...?

QUEEN OF HEARTS *angry* Who?! However, I've got a taste for slicing people's heads off and -

O-REN ISHII I so know the feeling. Do you use a Samurai sword, too?

QUEEN OF HEARTS I prefer sharp axes.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM You should try it with a blunt one - so much more the pleasure.

QUEEN OF HEARTS and O-REN ISHII *pensively* Interesting idea...

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM I guess it's my turn now - I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham -

NEO ANDERSON Nottingham, Ohio?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM Ohio...? Whatever, I intend to rob the king of his throne, lay my greedy hands on as much gold as possible, have Robin Hood killed and marry his fiancée. Well, my plans have been slightly foiled lately, and the returned king demands me to take part in this group to redeem myself.

SARUMAN You mean Aragorn?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM I mean Richard Lionheart!

DAGAFI How interesting, Mr Sheriff! Have you perhaps brought a map for the Americans here to show them where you come from?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM What the heck are Americans?

DAGAFI Well, people who come from America, of course -

JR EWING *smugly* Land of the free -

TRINITY *dreamily* - keepers of democracy -

ARTEMIS FOWL *scornfully* Inventors of Coca Cola -

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM And what is America?

*wee bit of confusion until it turns out that the Sheriff of Nottingham hasn't yet heard of the discovery of America*

DAGAFI Who's next? What about the sweet young lady there? Yes, you, Madam?

AMÉLIE POULAIN *timidly* I am Amélie Poulain, and I'm 'ere as an exchange student, I guess -

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Ah, a fellow compatriot! Enchanté, Mademoiselle!

AMÉLIE POULAIN Bonjour, Monsieur!

DAGAFI What about your criminal record, Mademoiselle Amélie?

AMÉLIE Ah bien... I 'ave nicked a garden dwarf - broken and entered some of my neighbours' apartments -

JACK SPARROW And she looks so harmless, doesn't she? Oh, just like lovely Elizabeth! Can I invite you for a drink, luv?

TRINITY Why don't you for once try to keep sober, Jack? Or keep your dirty hands off every woman you can find?

JACK SPARROW You're getting jealous again, aren't you, Trinity?

TRINITY *ungraciously* You wish, Jack, you wish!

DAGAFI I think we have another French lady around - why don't you go next, Madame?

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *bored* Oh well, if I absolutely must. I am the Marquise de Merteuil, I usually reside in Paris, and like to divert myself by scheming intricate and cruel plots to destroy my fellow peers' lives and the virtue of young maidens.

JACK SPARROW Now that sounds interesting. Have you brought any of these young maidens?

DAGAFI *fatherly* Please, Jack... My dear Marquise, tell us why you are here!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL My reputation has been ruined by the publication of some private correspondence and I had to leave the town.

LADY SUSAN Tell me about it!

JACK SPARROW Hello...! And you are, luv?

LADY SUSAN Lady Susan, and please don't address me like that, mister!

DAGAFI What are your crimes, Lady Susan?

LADY SUSAN I'm not quite sure, actually... I've been reproached for adultery and because I've tried to marry off my daughter. Nothing out of the ordinary, I think -

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Those hypocrites are getting worse and worse - since when is that illegal?

SOPHIE FATALE Depends how old the daughter is, doesn't it?

LADY SUSAN She's eighteen, and will never get a husband herself, if I don't find her one! She's boring, insipid and plain!

JACK SPARROW Oh, she couldn't be, regarding her mother!

TRINITY If you don't shut up at once, Jack, I'll gag you with your own mop of hair!

JACK SPARROW I like it when you're getting severe, Trinity!

TRINITY Neo, say something!

NEO ANDERSON I like it as well when you're getting severe, darling -

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *appraisingly glancing at Neo* Who are you anyway?

TRINITY *proudly* This is my fiancé, Neo Anderson. He's the Chosen One.

LORD VOLDEMORT *frowning* Potter's growing up quickly, isn't he?

DRACO This isn't Potter, my Lord.

LORD VOLDEMORT How many Chosen Ones are there?

TRINITY We are fighting against the machines -

ARTEMIS FOWL *sneering* Rage against the machine, eh?

TRINITY *pleased* Exactly. You're good with computers, too, kid, aren't you? We need people like you.

ARTEMIS FOWL *taken aback* I prefer to operate on my own, thank you -

TRINITY We are freedom fighters.

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *suspiciously* Pity, you're one of those freedom fries guys as well?

NEO ANDERSON I'm afraid I don't understand, Sir.

TRINITY *eagerly* We fight for the liberty of the human race, Mr Toulour!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *spiteful* Yes, that's what they say, isn't it.

LORD VOLDEMORT Liberty of the human race? They're talking about muggles, right?

LUCIUS They are muggles, my Lord.

JACK SPARROW Nobody who hasn't sailed the endless oceans knows about freedom -

DARTH VADER Nobody who hasn't sailed through the infinite universe really knows about freedom!

LORD VOLDEMORT Only those who have conquered death really know about freedom!

O-REN ISHII Only those who have been incarcerated in a Chinese prison cell can truly appreciate freedom!

BELLATRIX Tell me about it! FOURTEEN years I've spent in Azkaban!

NARCISSA Oh my sweet Merlin. Give it a rest, Bella!

BELLATRIX You treacherous b#*§°! You've been fanning around in your fancy manor when only I have been faithful!

NARCISSA Yeah, so what. I bet my fourteen years were better than yours.

BELLATRIX See? See?! That's exactly what I'm talking about!

DAGAFI Ladies! Please -

BELLATRIX and NARCISSA You shut up, muggle!

LUCIUS *warningly* Cissa, dear - don't get her started -

NARCISSA Oh what the heck! I'm so sick of this! All the time she's parading around with her fourteen years in Azkaban, as if it was something to be particularly proud of!

BELLATRIX *screeching* My Lord! Tell her!

LORD VOLDEMORT Well, touched as I surely am about your loyalty, Bella, I think your sister's got a point there -

NARCISSA *smiles complacently* Have I now...

LORD VOLDEMORT You could have spent your time better than that -

BELLATRIX I've been condemned for searching you, master!

LORD VOLDEMORT Just that you've been utterly unsuccessful!

BELLATRIX My Lord! You've said you'd honour me beyond expression!

LORD VOLDEMORT Yes, and I have, haven't I? How long do you want to dwell on this now?

LADY SUSAN We'd all be better off if some people didn't have such a long memory!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Certainly, my dear. - *addressing Bellatrix* You mustn't insist on those stories of old, Madame. It harms your complexion -

BELLATRIX WHAT?!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL Your complexion, my dear Madame. You look quite unhealthy, you know. Your sister on the other hand -

BELLATRIX *outraged* My complexion has suffered a bit from being locked away in a mouldy hole in the ground for a decade and more, because I have been faithful to my lord and master you French tart!

MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL *unimpressed* Yes, I've heard. But it won't become any better when you make such a fuss about it, n'est-ce pas ?

BELLATRIX *draws her wand, shaking with fury*

DAGAFI *covering his eyes with his hand* Not again, please!

NARCISSA Bella, calm down, will you. The lady didn't mean to insult you, but give you some sound advice. You truly do look unhealthy.

BELLATRIX When I'm through with you two, Cissy, you'll look even more unhealthy than I do, mark my words!

LUCIUS *drawing his wand, too* Don't you dare menacing my wife, Bella!

BELLATRIX You treacherous abominations of my own blood! Excuse yourself, Cissy, or I'll make short work of you!

NARCISSA You're losing touch, dear - once again, as I may add.

BELLATRIX *spitting* CRUCIO!

LUCIUS *blocks spell, it hits Sophie Fatale instead, who collapses in anguish and screams*

O-REN ISHII *draws her sword* You will pay for hurting my friend, you silly rabbit!

LUCIUS, DARTH VADER, FRANCOIS TOULOUR Silly rabbit...?!

O-REN ISHII *storms at Bellatrix and slashes her*

LORD VOLDEMORT *jumps up* Stop that at once, you crazy mudblood! I'll curse you!

*the brawl begins, O-REN ISHII hits LORD VOLDEMORT with her sword, SNAPE tries to stop her, accidentally jinxes ARTEMIS FOWL, whereupon BUTLER throws himself at SNAPE and performs some intricate and hurtful martial arts tricks, pushing SNAPE back to the floor as a bloody heap, then stumbles over TRINITY, so NEO joins the fighting as well to avenge his fiancée, beating up DAGAFI, who has tried to separate them and keep them from fighting*

AMÉLIE POULAIN *serenely watching the commotion and addressing the Marquise de Merteuil conversationally* In which part of Paris did you live then, Marquise?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Artemis Fowl and Butler belong to Eoin Colfer's 'Artemis Fowl' series; the Queen of Hearts is taken from Lewis Carroll's beloved 'Alice in Wonderland'; Amélie Poulain is from Jeunet's 'The fabulous life of Amélie Poulain'; Lady Susan is the anti-heroine of Jane Austen's novel of the same title; the Sheriff of Nottingham is from Robin Hood, as seen in 'Prince Of Thieves'; the others are explained in chapter SEVEN I think. None of them belongs to me, I don't make any profits out of any of them, only a bit of fun.