Villains Unite!

- inside festive assembly room, comfortable chairs, side tables with wine, grapes, crisps, caviar hors d'oeuvres -

DAGAFI Good evening and welcome to you all, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to see how many of you have followed the first call to form a self-help group for misunderstood villains. I take it some of you are already recovering, just as myself, and I'd like to think that we all, the persons concerned, can help along our fellows who haven't yet found the path of redemption. I suggest that we take a round for everyone to introduce themselves - why are you here, what branch of the trade have you followed and what are your aims for the future. To make it a little easier, I shall begin myself - my name is Dagafi, I'm sixty-five and the leader of Bilya - for the Americans around, I will hand around a map later. For many years, I have, quite unabashed, supported international terrorism, but recently, I've come to see the light and have decided that I must change my evil ways, if I ever want to achieve a Nobel Price for Peace, like my dear colleague - anyway. Nowadays, I negotiate the release of Western hostages, try to solicit peace in the Middle East, and have taken a liking for Yoga classes. I've had the idea to found this group because I've found that redemption is a stony, rough path, and would like to share my experiences with others, less fortunate scoundrels, to support them and perhaps, make them the next winners of Nobel Prizes, Literature Medals or Academy Awards. Who'd like to go next?

NOBODY *volunteers; everyone keeps staring at their own feet or take a great interest in their fingernails, some push and elbow others, until - *

JACK SPARROW *stumbling forth, slightly drunk* What - er... uh - so it's my turn then, pal? Oh, I see... Yes - ladies and gents, as you might already know, my name is Captain Jack Sparrow - note the 'Captain', please. As for my age, I doubt that even my mother is too sure about it, but I can say with certainty that I've sailed the Seven Seas for more than two decades, mainly with my beautiful ship, the Black Pearl. Uh - I'm a pirate, see. Yeah, so much for me, I guess...

DAGAFI *patiently and encouraging* Why have you come tonight, Jack?

JACK SPARROW *thinking really hard* Why am I here - now that's what I call a good question, mate... *slaps his forehead* Oh sure, now I remember! Right! See, I've lost a bet, against lovely Elizabeth - she's the one to send me here.

DAGAFI Now who is lovely Elizabeth?

JACK SPARROW *grinning smugly* Oh, just a chick I've spent a night with, on some deserted Caribbean island!

DAGAFI And what was that bet about?

JACK SPARROW Well, she's wagered that we could both drink a bottle of rum each, and she'd still not make out with me, you see...

TRINITY *squinting over her black sunglasses, contemptuously* Why on earth should she?

JACK SPARROW *grinning broader yet, revealing all his golden teeth* No call for jealousy, luv! Let's have a drink, you an' me -

TRINITY *glaring* BEG YOUR PARDON?!

DAGAFI There's enough time after the meeting for more private contacts, Jack. Let's go on, shall we? Hm? What about a lady now? The charming Asian lady, yes?

O-REN ISHII What? Me? Oh... All right then - I'm O-Ren Ishii, I'm the crime lord of Tokyo, after a rather successful career as a hired assassin... And if any of you sons of b*#§°*s got anything else to say, now is the f*#°ing time. -

EVERYONE *silently staring at her in incredulity*

O-REN ISHII *smugly* I didn't think so.

DAGAFI *smiling a bit perplexed* No reason to be so hostile, dear... Tell us, why are you here, O-Ren?

O-REN ISHII Look, my head's been cut right in two - the surgeons had quite a bit of work to do on that one, and they've advised me to attend a self-help group, to regain some of my old verve.

DAGAFI Thank you very much, O-Ren... What about your right-hand neighbour?

SOPHIE FATALE *reluctantly* With me, it's pretty much the same as with her... I've lost my right arm in a rather unsavoury incident... The same that's sliced O-Ren here -

DAGAFI Oh, so you know each other from old?

SOPHIE FATALE Oh, yes. O-Ren's my boss, best friend and mentor, and I am, incidentally, her Second in Command and last but not least, her lawyer.

FRANCOIS TOULOUR Makes you the worst of us all, doesn't it?

SOPHIE FATALE Shut up, you cretin!

DAGAFI Please! Please! Cease the hostilities, will you? What about you - the gentleman with the hood, hm?

LORD VOLDEMORT and THE EMPEROR *stand up, exchange a startled look and hesitate*

DAGAFI *genially* You've come together, too?

LORD VOLDEMORT and THE EMPEROR *firmly in unison* Certainly not!

DAGAFI Ah, yes... Just a coincidental resemblance then. You avoid that sort of embarrassment if you choose an eccentric outfit such as myself, but that just as a side note. Would you care to begin, sir? *beckons at Voldemort*

LORD VOLDEMORT Uh, sure... I've designed myself a name that the world does not dare speaking, so you might address me as either the Dark Lord, or You Know Who, or He Who Must Not Be Named. I'm a Dark wizard, my aim is total dominion and purging the world of all Mudbloods, and I'm halfway there, I reckon -

JACK SPARROW Never heard of you man, tell us your real name!

LORD VOLDEMORT Crawl in dust, miscreant! And get a sodding haircut!

DAGAFI Tell us why you're here, Dark Lord!

LORD VOLDEMORT Well... That's a bit difficult - how much time have you got? The thing is that I've got to murder this boy - a real pain in the back, that one - I try and try and try, but nothing's worked so far... I've consulted some professionals to give me some tips how I could achieve my aim, and one of them suggested that we've got a motivation problem. Yes, I think that summarises why we're here now.

DAGAFI *cheerfully* So you've brought along some friends, too?

SNAPE *smiles wryly*

WORMTAIL *whimpers*

THE MALFOYS *sneer in contempt*

LORD VOLDEMORT Yes, that's my faithful Death Eaters, over there. The wimp's Wormtail, next to him my darling follower Severus... At his side, another of my protégés, Bella - her sister Narcissa, that one's husband Lucius - their son Draco... And the man with the whiskers is Fenrir Greyback, a notorious werewolf.

JACK SPARROW Blimey, I've drunk too much! I've thought the guy had said 'werewolf'!

GREYBACK *licking his lips* He has. Got a problem with that?

DAGAFI Lovely, lovely! We encourage our members to take their friends and family. It makes it so much easier! I'm sensing an interesting story there, let's come back to it later. What about the other gentleman with the hood now?

THE EMPEROR *imperiously* I'm the Emperor, I rule every star system in this galaxy, and I -

JACK SPARROW No kidding, man?

DAGAFI Please, let him finish his introduction, hm? Mr Emperor, you were saying...?

THE EMPEROR I got the Force at my command, and with the help of the Chosen One -

DARTH VADER *nods with dignity*

NEO ANDERSON *jerks his head in surprise*

LORD VOLDEMORT Oh no, another wannabe-Dumbledore, and this one's even copying my style!

THE EMPEROR *baring his teeth* Who's copying who, eh?!

LORD VOLDEMORT Be silent, you plagiarist!

THE EMPEROR Who are you calling plagiarist, creep? And just for the record - there's only ONE Dark Lord, and that happens to be me!

LORD VOLDEMORT *menacingly* I will curse you, maggot!

THE EMPEROR I will destroy you with the Force! I will squash you like the vermin that you are!

LORD VOLDEMORT *chortles scornfully* I'm the greatest Dark wizard of all times!

SARUMAN *frowning* Hang on. I am the greatest Dark wizard of all times!

LORD VOLDEMORT YOU?! *high-pitched laughter* You're a bad copy of Dumbledore, that's all!

JACK SPARROW I must have water in my ears. All I ever hear is 'wizard'! And who the bloody heck is this Wumblemore bloke?!

LORD VOLDEMORT, SARUMAN and THE EMPEROR Silence, you unworthy scum!

TRINITY *coolly* And do something about your hair, I think there's insects living in it!

SARUMAN *suspiciously* Yes, but I'd be interested as well... Who's that guy you're always talking about, copycat?

LORD VOLDEMORT How dare you! You of all persons! The beard, the hair - now that's he's dead, you think you can get through with this?!

THE EMPEROR The point is -

LORD VOLDEMORT *interrupts him forcefully* The crucial point is that I and no one else, am the mightiest Dark wizard of them all. If you two got talent, I'm happy to let you join my Death Eaters, but otherwise -

THE EMPEROR Join you? Dream on, crackpot! Submit to me, or I'll annihilate you! I'll wipe you out of the universe! Star dust will be all that's left of you, once I'm through with you!

DAGAFI Gentlemen, I think we're all getting a bit over-exited -

LORD VOLDEMORT, THE EMPEROR and SARUMAN SHUT UP!

DAGAFI All I'm saying is that we've come together to try and make a shot at peace, dears!

FRANCOIS TOULOUR *dryly* Shooting peace, eh?

TYBALT Peace? I hate that word! Just as I hate -

LORD VOLDEMORT *draws his wand*

SARUMAN *tightens his grip on his stick*

THE EMPEROR *rubs his hands*

TRINITY *gazing at Tybalt and curling her lips* What is it about men and facial hair, I wonder?

SARUMAN *losing his cool* I've grown this beard for centuries, you ignorant little girl!

TRINITY *unimpressed* Calm down, old man! I wasn't talking about you - I was talking about this bloke with his ridiculous goatee!

TYBALT I'm the Prince of Cats, Madam, so watch your mouth!

SARUMAN Prince? Lord? Emperor? Is that what you desperate losers cling to? Empty titles?

DAGAFI I've seen 'Cats' in London, many years ago. I don't remember a prince of cats though - are you Macavity, or how was that one called...

SARUMAN Hey, Dark Lord, or how you style yourself - noticed that my stick is much bigger than yours?

TRINITY *rolling her eyes* Men!

LORD VOLDEMORT *spitting with rage* Oh yeah? You'll see what my - stick, you call it? Barmy fool! You'll see what I will do to you with that stick!

O-REN ISHII *conversationally* I happen to have brought some Samurai swords, if anyone cares for using them?

SARUMAN I will crush you to pieces!

THE EMPEROR I will do you with my bare hands!

SARUMAN Oh yeah? I'd like to see that!

DAGAFI Please, gentlemen, I'm sure we can sort this out harmonically -

*Series of giant explosions, screams, rays of red and green and blue light*

DAGAFI *coughing badly* Don't worry, anyone - we're insured against explosive damages!