Villains Unite!

- inside, night, rickety wooden chairs -

VOLDEMORT Dear friends, it is incumbent upon me to inform you that good Doc Allen has left us -

BELLATRIX And dare he come back! *fierce scowl*

SNAPE *addressing Lucius behind his hand* They're still trying to fix him -

VOLDEMORT I had rather hoped that he could be of help to figure out why on earth we - the mightiest wizards alive - still haven't seized the power rightfully belonging to us -

SNAPE *still whispering* Even after obliviating him, the poor sod's still suffering from various nervous complaints...

VOLDEMORT But I'm afraid the only thing that's come out of this is the complete ruin of our furniture -

SNAPE *whispering* ... shaking - nervous spasms - nightmares - hysterical crying fits...

VOLDEMORT - and of course, the complete ruin of good Dr Allen's health -

BELLATRIX *grinning malevolently*

VOLDEMORT Why, he's flatly refused to talk to any of you again. With the exception of Narcissa - he's asked me to forward his compliments, so would you be so good, Lucius, and tell your wife that she's welcome anytime to resume sessions?

LUCIUS *glaring* Oh, but there's nothing I'd rather do!

VOLDEMORT *putting on his reading glasses and squinting at a piece of paper* According to his diagnosis, several of my fellow Death Eaters suffer from megalomania - schizophrenia - violent disorders - sadism - persecution complexes - vampirism -

SANGUINI I wouldn't say suffer... Suffering's for the others, ain't it...

VOLDEMORT Borderline syndromes - and astonishingly, canker sore -

BELLATRIX Well, dental hygiene was a problem in Azkaban!

VOLDEMORT Apparently, the poor soul had to be treated against tetanus after he's been bitten -

LUCIUS Can you never detain yourself, Fenrir?

GREYBACK *looking innocent*

VOLDEMORT - by our dear friend Bella -

BELLATRIX *smug face*

VOLDEMORT Before he got another fit, he did manage to tell me that he'd strongly recommend group therapy for all of us -

LUCIUS Bella really annoyed him, did she?

SNAPE *whispering* No, my cheque finally bounced.

VOLDEMORT - and since I'm not inclined to give up the fight, that is exactly what we'll do.

EVERYONE *groaning*

VOLDEMORT You got no one to blame but yourself!

LUCIUS *quietly scowling* I think we got no one to blame but you, Severus!

VOLDEMORT I have made enquiries on the issue and called on a couple of self-help groups. Unfortunately, none of them would have us. I may quote... 'Rather drop dead at once than...' The Devoted Masochists Society wrote back that they might be disturbed, but not quite that disturbed -

BELLATRIX Can you give me the address, master?

LUCIUS If there's one thing for sure, it's that you are no masochist, sister.

BELLATRIX Certainly not, but I am equally sure that I can help them sort out some of their issues.

VOLDEMORT I did, however, unearth one interesting group that would be pleased for us to join, and I demand all of you to accompany me there tomorrow night -

EVERYONE *grumbling*

VOLDEMORT - or dare my wrath!