Villains Unite!

Scene Five

- Inside cave, floating candles, a large sofa and an armchair nearby -

VOLDEMORT I have talked to Doc Allen about our little problems in seizing world dominion, and he has suggested to talk to each one of you and find out what might be wrong. I order you to be absolutely honest with him, and answer to all his questions as truthfully as you can! Good. You'll be called in, one after the other.

EVERYBODY *leaves*

DOC ALLEN *takes place in the armchair and puts a clipboard on his knees* Mr Malfoy?

LUCIUS *returns, looking deeply suspicious* Yes?

DOC ALLEN Lay down on the couch, Mr Malfoy. I've got some questions before we can begin, just to know with whom I am dealing. Please, tell me your age, marital status, profession, and how you have come to join Mr Voldemort's ranks!

LUCIUS *scowling* You try anything funny while I'm lying on that couch and you'll live just long enough to regret it, Mister!

DOC ALLEN *scribbling* I'd like to talk about your unveiled aggression later on, Mr Malfoy. But can you answer the questions first?

LUCIUS *lies down* Oh, what the... I'm 43, I'm married for more than eighteen years -

DOC ALLEN To the same woman?

LUCIUS *squinting at him* Yes, of course, what do you think?

DOC ALLEN *mumbling* How extraordinary... You've got children?

LUCIUS One son, Draco. He's seventeen -

DOC ALLEN And do you still feel attracted to your wife? After eighteen years, and giving birth to your son?

LUCIUS Clearly, you don't know my wife!

DOC ALLEN *smugly* You're evading the question, Mr Malfoy!

LUCIUS I am not, for if you had seen my wife, you wouldn't wonder whether I'm attracted to her or not!

DOC ALLEN You're doing it again, Mr Malfoy!

LUCIUS *rolling his eyes* Yes - I'm still excessively attracted to my wife, if that's what you want to hear.

DOC ALLEN The question is not what I'd want to hear, but what you want to tell me, Mr. Malfoy.

LUCIUS *sneering* What I'd really like to tell you is that you're a pain in the arse, Doc!

DOC ALLEN *scribbling and smiling clemently* And your job, Mr Malfoy?

LUCIUS I haven't got one -

DOC ALLEN Ah, so you're out of work -

LUCIUS No!

DOC ALLEN That's nothing to be ashamed of, Mr Malfoy, it happens to many, many people! Do you sometimes feel bad about being unemployed?

LUCIUS I'm not unemployed!

DOC ALLEN You see, Mr Malfoy, this is quite typical for a man in your age, and we experts call it 'denial'. Just go ahead - when was the last time you've worked?

LUCIUS Well, for some time, I've been on the board of governors in my son's school. That must be - roughly four years ago, I think -

DOC ALLEN Why did you stop working there?

LUCIUS *sneering* I've got fired.

DOC ALLEN Fired, you say? That must have been a severe blow for your self-esteem!

LUCIUS Not really -

DOC ALLEN Hmmm... Why did you get fired, Mr Malfoy?

LUCIUS That's quite a long story, to make it short - I was partly responsible for unleashing a gigantic snake in said school, and -

DOC ALLEN *smiling merrily* A gigantic snake, you say? How interesting! You are, of course, aware of the symbolical implications?

LUCIUS Implications?!

DOC ALLEN You've said partly responsible, Mr Malfoy. Who else was responsible for this, in your opinion?

LUCIUS Well, there was this girl -

DOC ALLEN I've thought so. And you and this - girl - have unleashed that snake together?

LUCIUS Not really, I've only provided the means to do so, if you understand -

DOC ALLEN *scribbling and scribbling* I understand just too well, Mr Malfoy! How old was the girl?

LUCIUS Eleven, I guess -

DOC ALLEN Eleven! Well, that's really quite young!

LUCIUS Well, she had to be very young, or she wouldn't have been naïve enough!

DOC ALLEN I see, I see. Let's come back to the subject of your wife for a minute. How does she fit into this story?

LUCIUS Excuse me?

DOC ALLEN Did she know about the girl?

LUCIUS She never wants to know about those things -

DOC ALLEN Well, that's not uncommon. Did you and your wife have any difficulties at that time?

LUCIUS No. We never have.

DOC ALLEN You've still been as attracted to her as you've told me?

LUCIUS Absolutely!

DOC ALLEN How does she cope with your unemployment?

LUCIUS *frowns at him* You mean how she likes me to be at home? Well, she seems to approve of it!

DOC ALLEN Aha... Mr Voldemort has told me that you've spent some time in prison. How has that affected your marriage?

LUCIUS Narcissa has been livid with my arrest, but other than that -

DOC ALLEN You've got arrested because of the little girl, the one we've talked about?

LUCIUS She was one of them, yeah -

DOC ALLEN There were others? Tell me about them!

LUCIUS Well, the Potter boy, of course. I fancy you've heard about him before. Then, there was the girl's brother, a little mudblood girl, and two other children that I don't know so well -

DOC ALLEN Six children on total, Mr Malfoy?

LUCIUS Well, if they hadn't been backed up by the Phoenix Order, we would have handled them without difficulties!

DOC ALLEN You needn't excuse yourself, Mr Malfoy! I'm not here to judge anyone! *looks at sand clock* I'm afraid you're time's up. Will you please send in your wife now?

LUCIUS *gets up again and scowls at the doctor* Yes, sure. What have you been writing there all of the time?

DOC ALLEN You'll see later, Mr Malfoy. I'm sure we meet again!

LUCIUS I sincerely don't hope so!

*exit LUCIUS, enter NARCISSA*

DOC ALLEN *gets up from his armchair to welcome Narcissa and shake her hand* Mrs Malfoy! I'm delighted to meet you!

NARCISSA Good evening, Doc Allen. Lucius has said you wanted to see me?

DOC ALLEN *stares at her* Yes, indeed... Now I know what he's meant -

NARCISSA Meant by what, Doctor?

DOC ALLEN *gets a grip* Ah, never mind. Please, lie down on the couch, will you? *leers* So, Mrs Malfoy, before we go in medias res, there are some questions I've got to ask - please, be so good and tell me about your age and profession.

NARCISSA I'm thirty-six, and a house-wife.

DOC ALLEN Thirty-six! Your husband's told me you're married for about eighteen years -

NARCISSA That's right.

DOC ALLEN You've been very young then, Mrs Malfoy! Ever regretted that you've rushed into your marriage so early in life?

NARCISSA Regret? Not for a second, Dr!

DOC ALLEN *slightly disappointed* Aha... Er - do you still feel attracted - physically attracted - to your husband?

NARCISSA Oh, yes!

DOC ALLEN *quietly* What a shame! *clears his throat and goes on louder* What about your husband's unemployment?

NARCISSA Unemployment? I don't think I understand -

DOC ALLEN He hasn't told you he's got no work, has he?

NARCISSA *perplexed* Work?!

DOC ALLEN You've said you are a housewife, Mrs Malfoy. I imagine it must be hard for you, making ends meet...

NARCISSA *starts laughing* I think you're labouring under a false impression -

DOC ALLEN Not at all, my dear! Your husband has told me -

NARCISSA Good man, my husband hasn't worked in all his life, and he never will! He owns half of England!

DOC ALLEN *blushes* Oh! Oh, I see -

NARCISSA *still laughing heartily*

DOC ALLEN *recovers* What about that story he has told me, with the little girl? The one with - the snake!

NARCISSA *sudden change of countenance, looking darkly now* Yes, that was quite deplorable, wasn't it...

DOC ALLEN You've been angry with him?

NARCISSA With him? No.

DOC ALLEN But you have been angry?

NARCISSA Oh, yes. But not with my husband. He's tried as good as he could, what else can you expect?

DOC ALLEN So you've been angry with the girl instead?

NARCISSA Well, no... It wasn't her fault, was it?

DOC ALLEN So with whom have you been angry then?

NARCISSA *anxiously glimpsing around, lowering her voice* This is all strictly confidential, isn't it? You won't tell anyone?

DOC ALLEN Rest assured, Mrs Malfoy! My lips are sealed!

NARCISSA *hesitating* Well, first of all, I've been angry with the Potter boy, for abducting our servant, for being cheeky and insolent with Lucius, and for being the terrible little brat that he is, always bothering my little son... *lowering her voice to a whisper* And then, I've also been angry with - with - the Dark Lord himself... After all, it was his silly snake!

DOC ALLEN *makes big eyes* NO!

NARCISSA Yes! And Lucius got all the blame for it!

DOC ALLEN *scribbling madly* I didn't know that, Mrs Malfoy!

NARCISSA But you mustn't tell anyone, Doctor! Lucius will be in terrible trouble otherwise!

DOC ALLEN *slyly* You think so? Hm... Mrs Malfoy, I see in my notes that you are no actual member of the Dark Order yourself. Why is that so?

NARCISSA Well, I'm not the type for that sort of thing, you know? My sister, yes, but I prefer to stay at home in peace and quiet. I'm no fighter.

DOC ALLEN And your son?

NARCISSA He isn't the type for it either, but you try and tell that a sixteen year old boy! He's thought joining the Death Eaters was all about adventure, and impressing his pals!

DOC ALLEN So I take it that you weren't happy with his decision?

NARCISSA *quiet again* Happy? Me? Not at all! I've thought it was madness!

DOC ALLEN How is your relationship to your son, Mrs Malfoy? Do you get along?

NARCISSA *smiles fondly* Oh, yes! Draco's a very good boy, I'm terribly proud with him!

DOC ALLEN How was it when he has joined Mr Voldemort's forces against your will?

NARCISSA I think that was the only time when we've ever quarrelled, yes... He's been so keen on it, and thought I wanted to spoil his fun - my poor darling!

DOC ALLEN Has your son a girlfriend?

NARCISSA *sneering* Not any more.

DOC ALLEN You sound pleased!

NARCISSA To be sure, I am pleased! That girl wasn't good enough for him!

DOC ALLEN Ah... Why do you think so?

NARCISSA She was ordinary, vulgar, horribly stupid and not even handsome!

DOC ALLEN Would it have made a difference if she had been good-looking?

NARCISSA It would have been an excuse for his blindness at least!

DOC ALLEN You truly dislike her that much, do you?

NARCISSA Doctorr Allen, I dearly love my son. I want to see him happy, and this girl didn't make him happy, all she's possibly done was humiliate him!

DOC ALLEN You mean she's cheated on him? Dumped him? Made a fool of him?

NARCISSA Cheat on him?! She's worshipped the dirt he's walked upon! She was utterly embarrassing, and he has made a fool of himself to ever go out with her!

DOC ALLEN My notes tell me that your older sister Bellatrix is a high-ranking order member, like your husband. How is your relationship with her?

NARCISSA Nothing extraordinary, I reckon? She's older than me, she has patronised me as long as I can remember, she's stark mad -

DOC ALLEN Are you attached to her?

NARCISSA Is that a trick question? Do I have to be?

DOC ALLEN And your other sister? What was her name?

NARCISSA *rolling her eyes* Andromeda. Well, she has run away from home, almost three decades ago. I don't remember much of her!

DOC ALLEN You've been angry with her for leaving?

NARCISSA Yes, I have! After she's gone, Bella and I weren't allowed to leave the house without a chaperone! She's broken my parents' hearts!

DOC ALLEN You're still in contact with her?

NARCISSA Do occasional Christmas card curses count as 'contact'?

DOC ALLEN If you want to!

NARCISSA Yeah, well, there you go. We curse each other for Christmas and birthdays, and once a year, we manage to meet for a cup of spiked tea in Diagon Alley. It's not exactly 'family life', is it?

DOC ALLEN That's all so very interesting, Mrs Malfoy! I wish we had more time... But I'd say, we simply meet again, once I'm through with the others. I'll give you my card... Feel free to call on me whenever you wish... Day or night... On your way out, would you call for your son next, please?

*exit NARCISSA, enter DRACO*

DOC ALLEN Come in, Draco, and please lie down.

DRACO *shoots him a bewildered look* Here?

DOC ALLEN Yes. Draco, I have a certain procedure, which will, given your age, slightly deviate from the rule. Please, tell me how old you are, what you're doing presently, and a rough sketch what you intend to do with your life. Ready?

DRACO Sure... I'm seventeen, and presently, I'm - doing nothing, really... I've dropped out of school, you see -

DOC ALLEN Dropped out of school? But why? Were your marks bad? Didn't you get along with your fellow students? Wanted to be closer to home?

DRACO *arches a brow* I've tried to kill my Headmaster - who's prepared your information, for goodness' sake?!

DOC ALLEN None of your concern, dear boy... So, you've tried to kill your Headmaster, I see. Why did you want to kill him?

DRACO It was an order.

DOC ALLEN And who ordered you?

DRACO Your and my boss! The Dark Lord!

DOC ALLEN The Dark - ah, you mean Mr Voldemort?

DRACO *sneers at him in silence*

DOC ALLEN I perceive a rather hostile atmosphere between you and me, Draco -

DRACO *sarcastically* Do you?

DOC ALLEN Your father encountered me rather aggressively, too!

DRACO No kidding? *chuckles*

DOC ALLEN Your mother on the other hand was kind and cooperative -

DRACO Ah, and I bet you've been very kind with her, too -

DOC ALLEN Naturally, it is my profession to -

DRACO Being the shrink here, you shouldn't deceive yourself about the nature of your attitude, Doc! It's not your profession that makes you treat her well, is it? *teasingly patronising* Don't be ashamed, it happens all the time!

DOC ALLEN *indignantly* My dear boy, behave! I won't have your cheek!

DRACO *shrugs and chuckles*

DOC ALLEN Tell me about your own relationship to your mother now. Is it close?

DRACO I suppose it is.

DOC ALLEN You suppose?

DRACO I've got little to compare, having got only one mother, wouldn't you agree?

DOC ALLEN Well... And your father?

DRACO *sniggering* He's got a very close relationship to her as well, I'm sorry!

DOC ALLEN You're sorry?

DRACO Yeah, sorry for you.

DOC ALLEN For me?! Oh! I won't repeat myself, Draco, behave!

DRACO Well, you have just repeated yourself!

DOC ALLEN For the last time - and yes, I'm aware of repeating myself - behave, dear boy! What I've meant to ask was how you'd describe your own relationship to your father!

DRACO *lazily* Oh, he's cool, most of the time!

DOC ALLEN What about school? You've been good?

DRACO So, so...

DOC ALLEN Did you have friends?

DRACO Yeah, sure.

DOC ALLEN What about that Potter boy? Your mother hinted that you two haven't got along too well!

DRACO My mother tends to understatements!

DOC ALLEN So you didn't like each other?

DRACO Not at all!

DOC ALLEN Could you imagine why this was so?

DRACO Because he's a puffed-up, complacent, arrogant little snot-rag?

DOC ALLEN That's a harsh assessment!

DRACO And I haven't even got started! Holy Saint Potter! Golden Boy! That boring, obnoxious, hideous cretin, this -

DOC ALLEN Please, calm -

DRACO He nearly killed me, that pathetic miserable sod, that -

DOC ALLEN Draco, p-

DRACO I've begged the master to allow me to kill that little maggot, I've said 'master, one push from his broom stick, let me -'

DOC ALLEN Please, Draco, you're finished, send in Mrs Lestrange, will you -

*THE REST OF THIS SCENE WAS CENSORED AND HAD TO BE CUT DUE TO VULGARITY OF LANGUAGE, EXTREME VIOLENCE, UNSPEAKABLE TORTURE - YOU GET THE PICTURE -