Villains Unite!

- Outside; shining bright white castle in the background, lots of children running around -

VOLDEMORT Lovely, isn't it?

GREYBACK See you in an hour or two... I've just seen a pair of promising toddlers... *strolls away with a hungry expression*

LUCIUS *slightly taken aback* These are all muggles, aren't they?!

DRACO Cool! A water ride! Can I go, mummy?

NARCISSA Sure, darling! But make sure you don't get wet, you're so prone for a cold. And don't forget the sunblocker!

DRACO Mum! You've creamed me twice in the hotel!

NARCISSA Safe is safe, darling! Now off you go, and enjoy yourself. But remember - don't talk to strangers, and stay away from Greyback!

DRACO Needn't tell me twice, mum! See you! *runs off*

NARCISSA I don't like the look upon that Greyback's face, Lucius. He's actually asked me whether my skin tasted as peachy as it looks!

LUCIUS *glaring* Now did he?!

BELLATRIX *sourly* My skin was peachy once, too!

NARCISSA Well, don't blame me for neglecting yourself, Bella!

LUCIUS Please, my precious, don't get her started. She won't stop again for hours!

RODOLPHUS You're still every bit as peachy as on the day of our marriage, dear!

SMALL KID *pulls Bellatrix' sleeve* Are you the Wicked Witch Of The West?

SNAPE *tries to suppress a giggling fit*

BELLATRIX *slightly confused, but flattered* You recognise me then?

RODOLPHUS Who wouldn't recognise you, my love?

SNAPE *shaking with suppressed laughter*

SMALL KID Sure! You're a bit less green than I've thought, but -

BELLATRIX *same as above* The green is meant literal, dear, it stands for my house, Slytherin.

SMALL KID *points at Voldemort* And you are the Dark Lord, right?

VOLDEMORT *smugly* Indeed, I am!

SMALL KID Show me your light sabre!

VOLDEMORT My what?

SMALL KID Your weapon!

SNAPE *clasps his mouth not to laugh out loud*

VOLDEMORT *fatherly* That's not for playing around, boy!

SMALL KID *points at Lucius* You I know, too! You're Warlock, aren't you?

LUCIUS *suspiciously* Yes, I am a warlock, go and sue me -

NARCISSA *smiles warmly and bows to the boy* Don't be so harsh on the child, darling. You know me as well, honey?

SMALL KID *tongue in cheek* You're Grace Kelly?

NARCISSA *shakes her head*

SMALL KID Gwyneth Paltrow?

NARCISSA Who?

SMALL KID You're not Claudia Schiffer -

NARCISSA *confused* Indeed, I am not!

SMALL KID Oh, I know! I know! My brother's had a poster of you! The English one, the one from that Ralph Fiennes movie!

VOLDEMORT *nods* Yes, yes, that Ralph Fiennes, that's the one who's playing me in my autobiography!

BELLATRIX She's my sister, you know?

SMALL KID *vigorously shaking his head* No, she can't be!

BELLATRIX Oh yes, she is!

SMALL KID No way this is the Wicked Witch Of The East! She's much too pretty!

SNAPE *turns away and bursts with laughter*

BELLATRIX *vicious* I HATE children!

LUCIUS I must say, he's got some taste!

NARCISSA Darling, I am a little worried about Draco... With Greyback strutting around - go and look for him, will you?

LUCIUS Of course, my love. Beware of the muggles while I'm away! *leaves*

VOLDEMORT Now tell me, boy - you happen to know Harry Potter?

SMALL KID *contemptuous* Yeah, sure -

VOLDEMORT You like him?

SMALL KID Harry Potter? Pah! He's only for crybabies!

VOLDEMORT *pleased beyond expression* See? That's what I always tell you! The people grow sick of that darn boy!

SMALL KID I like YOU much better! It's been so cool when you've duelled with the bearded guy! Obi-Wan, that loser!

VOLDEMORT *beaming* Yes, wasn't it?

NARCISSA What is Obi-Wan?

RODOLPHUS I believe it is lobster in soy sauce with garlic, dear.

MOTHER *approaching* Here you are, Ricky! I've told you not to run away! *addresses Voldemort and the others* I'm so sorry, I hope he didn't annoy you!

BELLATRIX *curtly* Oh, just a little bit!

NARCISSA *smiling* Not at all, Ma'am, he's such a delightful little boy! I've got a son myself, I know how easily they give you the slips!

MOTHER *smiles, too, and drags the boy away*

VOLDEMORT Must be of magical origin, too, or how could he know about my duel with Dumbledore?

LUCIUS *coming back, looking furious and dragging Draco along by pulling his ear* You haven't heard the end of this, son!

DRACO *whining* Ouch, dad, I -

NARCISSA *aghast* Lucius! What are you doing? Let go of him!

LUCIUS You know what he's been doing?! He's snogged around with some muggle girls behind the water ride!

DRACO *blushing* But dad, they've thrown themselves at me, what would you have done in my place?

NARCISSA *stroking her son's head* Are you hurt, my darling? Did those muggles harm you?

DRACO *rubbing his ear* Honestly, mum, I've done nothing to encourage them! But as soon as seeing me, half a dozen girls started screeching, 'Tom, Tom' and jumped at me!

VOLDEMORT I wish they wouldn't use my old name! I'm the Dark Lord now, or at least You Know Who - it's so disrespectful to call me Tom -

LUCIUS That's still no reason to make out with some muggles, Draco!

NARCISSA Leave him, my love. He's as tremendously handsome as his father, he cannot help it, you know?

SNAPE *rolling on the floor with laughter, tears running down his cheeks*