Villains Unite!

Scene Three

- Inside, night; interior of a large cave, same procedure as always -

VOLDEMORT This meeting is hereby inaugurated. I am pleased to see that you have all come -

LUCIUS Though I've had tickets for the match Ireland versus Portugal - this better be good now...

VOLDEMORT Get a VCR, for goodness' sake, Lucius!

LUCIUS My lord?

VOLDEMORT Forget it. As I was saying - I'm pleased to welcome you to our weekly gathering. Beverages will be served by Mr. Pettigrew, as usually, and I've got to thank him for his obliging assistance -

LUCIUS *behind his hand to Snape* Something fallen on his head lately?

SNAPE His shrink has advised him to be more polite to his employees.

LUCIUS His shrink?!

SNAPE He's got those repeated dreams about Potter -

LUCIUS Who hasn't? *shudders*

SNAPE - and sought for professional help.

LUCIUS *sneers gleefully* I see...

SNAPE However, the shrink's told him that he needs to be more friendly with us.

LUCIUS How much did you pay him for that?

SNAPE Ten thousand galleons!

LUCIUS How can you pay anyone ten thousand galleons from your measly teacher salary?!

SNAPE *grins* Gave him an unsecured cheque -

VOLDEMORT Can I have your attention, too? Lucius? Severus?

LUCIUS & SNAPE But of course, my lord!

VOLDEMORT As you know, we're having certain difficulties in our efforts to take over the country. Obviously, the Ministry is a problem... So is POTTER, and those Aurors. I've thought we could all sit down together and do some bits of brainstorming -

LUCIUS Is that what they call an Imperius nowadays?

BELLATRIX I've missed all the latest fashion in my time in prison!

VOLDEMORT *enthusiastically* - collect ideas -

SNAPE Brainstorming means thinking really hard, you know. Rules out Wormtail's participation...

WORMTAIL I've heard that, Snape!

SNAPE I sincerely hope so, Ratface!

VOLDEMORT *cheerful* - create an atmosphere of unity and togetherness -

LUCIUS I think we see enough of each other as it is already!

SNAPE Yeah, a bit more of Wormtail and I might want to purchase a big fat pet cat!

VOLDEMORT *regardlessly cheerless* - connect on a higher plane -

LUCIUS I don't know, this used to be fun in my youth, but nowadays...

SNAPE Dude, I so know what you mean!

LUCIUS Cissy's got a new negligée, and where am I? Sitting around with you folks!

VOLDEMORT - work outing to Disneyland, Paris -

LUCIUS Ah, Paris... I've been in Paris -

CRABBE and GOYLE Frankly, who hasn't?

BELLATRIX I haven't been there! I've been in Azkaban!

VOLDEMORT The obvious advantage is that nobody of us will raise suspicion there - not even you, Greyback!

GREYBACK Disneyland's fine by me, master! Plenty of stray kids running around... Oh, the possibilities...

LUCIUS Can I bring my wife?

GREYBACK *bearing his teeth* Wouldn't be the same without her, would it?

VOLDEMORT Of course, Lucius, and don't forget little Draco. He will love the rides!

SNAPE I'd say he's beyond that stage of riding -

LUCIUS What did you say?

SNAPE I've said - oh, forget it. Can we leave Wormtail at home, master? After all, someone needs to look after the camp!

WORMTAIL UNFAIR!

VOLDEMORT Uh... you've got a point there, Severus... So have you, Wormtail... I've got to discuss this with Doc Allen...

SNAPE *behind his hand* That's his shrink.

LUCIUS Is he any good?

SNAPE I just say 'free drinks and work outings', buddy!

LUCIUS Yeah, but the drinks are lukewarm. Even in Azkaban, they've had ice cubes!

BELLATRIX Drinks in Azkaban?! In my time, there's been nothing but water and dry bread to feed on!

RODOLPHUS You're getting upset again, my love...

LUCIUS One of these days, I'll just strangle her -

VOLDEMORT What do you say about this?

SNAPE & LUCIUS *beaming falsely* Work outing, super!

WORMTAIL Excellent idea, my lord! That is - if I can come, too.

GREYBACK Everything with kids and Lucius' wife is all right by me!

LUCIUS What did you say, Fenrir?!

GREYBACK I've said you've got to take your son, too, Lucius!

RODOLPHUS *genially* Actually, he's said - *gets thumped by Greyback*