Villains Unite!

Scene Two

- Inside, night; interior of a large cave, floating candles, cosy upholstery, you get the picture -

VOLDEMORT Just make sure this night isn't ending like usually, will you!

LUCIUS But of course, my lord!

VOLDEMORT I'm quite serious! Whenever anyone here feels like tackling anyone else - and I don't care for which purpose, Bella! - just calm yourselves and have a drink instead.

SNAPE You mean Wormtail's recovered?

VOLDEMORT *a little bit proud* Indeed, he has. It has taken me to kidnap three Healers from Saint Mungo's, but it was worth it. It was somewhat trifling to remove the bonnet from his - never mind now.

SNAPE *smirks maliciously*

VOLDEMORT I can announce that we have a fabulous press lately. The wizard world is frightened to death, and the Muggles have - somewhat disturbingly, now that I think about it - ventured to take a downright liking to our circle. Let us celebrate with a toast! *claps his bony hands* Wormtail!

WORMTAIL *appears, looking ruffled, without apron or bonnet this time* Yes, my lord?

VOLDEMORT Stupid! We've talked about this! You were supposed to come in with the cocktails when I clap!

WORMTAIL Forgive me, my lord -

VOLDEMORT Well, hurry up!

WORMTAIL *scurries away*

VOLDEMORT Has anyone taken a glimpse at the Muggle papers?

LUCIUS Wouldn't touch them even if there was no more loo paper in the house!

GREYBACK *scowling* You're such an elitist, Malfoy!

LUCIUS Shut up, plebe!

WORMTAIL *returns with a tray of cocktail glasses, distributing them among the guests*

VOLDEMORT My faithful minions, I have told you to behave this time! Let us rather toast due to our tremendous success!

BELLATRIX What did the Muggles say then?

VOLDEMORT Oh yes, that's a curious story! Actually, some of us have reached a certain stardom -

SNAPE *looking utterly pleased with himself* Yes, we have -

VOLDEMORT Indeed! I for once are to be played by a very handsome actor in the screen adaptation of my autobiography -

LUCIUS *very quietly addressing Snape* What autobiography now?

SNAPE *equally quiet* Forget it, he's got it all wrong...

VOLDEMORT The masses are enraptured with the choice. Should be interesting for you as well, Lucius!

LUCIUS Excuse me, my lord?

VOLDEMORT You might want to sneak into one of their cinemas and take a look yourself!

LUCIUS I'd never -

SNAPE Trust me, it's worth it!

LUCIUS Worth what?

VOLDEMORT *chuckles* In fact, the actor they've chosen to impersonate you looks even more sinister than yourself, old friend!

LUCIUS *upset* Can't be!

SNAPE They've made you look fantastic, Lucius -

LUCIUS Beg your pardon, but I do look fantastic!

SNAPE No offence, my friend. As it is, they're calling you 'Luscious' -

LUCIUS *looking flattered* Now are they?

SNAPE Yes! As for myself -

BELLATRIX Who's impersonating me then?

SNAPE They're not that far yet.

BELLATRIX Not that far?! But I'm in the midst of it all!

RODOLPHUS *soothingly* Don't be upset, my dear!

VOLDEMORT Yes, Bella, don't worry. They're still debating who's going to play you, but the options look very good indeed -

BELLATRIX Of course they do! I look very good after all!

WORMTAIL *mumbling absent-mindedly* Before all this you've looked better -

BELLATRIX *scandalised* WHAT?!

WORMTAIL *hurries away to freshen Lucius' and Snape's drinks up*

SNAPE They imagine you to look a bit like Morticia Adams, Bella.

BELLATRIX Who the heck is Morticia Adams?

RODOLPHUS *whispers in her ear*

BELLATRIX *looks pleased*

LUCIUS And they really call me Luscious?

SNAPE Yes, they do! And you should hear what they make of little Draco!

LUCIUS What about him?

SNAPE All the little Muggle girls fancy him like mad!

LUCIUS *clearly torn between paternal pride and indignation* Well, the handsome features run in the family!

BELLATRIX Absolutely! There's never been a Black that hasn't looked decidedly stunning!

LUCIUS Actually, I've talked about my family!

BELLATRIX *put out*

VOLDEMORT Speaking of little Draco - where is he?

LUCIUS At home with his mother -

GREYBACK *scornfully* Helping her with knitting scarves?

LUCIUS Oh, shut up, dog!

BELLATRIX As for dogs... What about my rotten cousin?

SNAPE *looking very surly* Well, he is looking good in those films, too -

BELLATRIX The only thing to be said in his favour is that he's looked pretty good -

SNAPE That really depends on your point of view!

VOLDEMORT Now, now, Severus! No reason to be sulking! The actor who's playing you -

SNAPE Is nearly sixty, my lord!

WORMTAIL And still looking much better than you do! *ducks away*

SNAPE *pulling himself together and smirking slyly* With you, they've done a marvellous job anyway, Wormtail! Your actor is looking quite like you!

VOLDEMORT You think so, Severus? Why, I thought the man was rather more handsome than our rodent friend...

WORMTAIL *scowling at them all and sneaking out*

VOLDEMORT However, I think we should have a - word - with these movies guys nonetheless. They shift way too much attention to that annoying boy *dismayed frown*

BELLATRIX Potter, you mean?

VOLDEMORT Potter...

WORMTAIL *returns with fresh drinks and a very broad smile* More drinks, anyone?

BELLATRIX What do you suggest, master?

WORMTAIL *ushers Voldemort to have a drink* There you go, mylord...

VOLDEMORT Well, I think we should give them a little reminder who is the leading character of this story.

SNAPE *blushes softly* You are too gracious, my lordship...

VOLDEMORT I meant me, idiot!

WORMTAIL *presses a glass into Snape's hand*

GREYBACK It's only five more nights until full moon, master. Shall I pay them a little visit?

SNAPE We can put the head of a dead horse into their beds.

EVERYONE *stare at him*

SNAPE Just an idea... I guess I got a bit carried away by this entire cinema business...

WORMTAIL *hands out drinks to Bellatrix, Rodolphus and Greyback*

VOLDEMORT *sips his drink absent-mindedly* Any other suggestions?

WORMTAIL Let us start with a toast, master. To you and your eternal reign -

EVERYONE *raise their glasses* To the Dark Lord! *drink*

WORMTAIL *smiles brightly*

LUCIUS I'm a little dizzy...

RODOLPHUS So am I... Must be Bella's presence befuddling me...

BELLATRIX *giggles girlishly*

VOLDEMORT Now come on? No useful ideas? Anyone?

GREYBACK I have ample of ideas, but you fool never listen to me in the first place!

LUCIUS That's because you're a ghastly git, doggy!

GREYBACK You know, you do hurt my feelings by deprecating me like this, Lucius. I try not letting it show, but -

VOLDEMORT And what about my feelings?

SNAPE Stop whining, you egotistical slob!

VOLDEMORT *making big eyes* What did you say?!

SNAPE Oh, you heard me!

RODOLPHUS *to Bellatrix* I think you are even lovelier than on the day we met, my dear...

BELLATRIX *cooing* Oh, Roddy...

GREYBACK Can I just say that all of you - all of you - are treating me appallingly? You fancy yourself so great - even those Half-bloods over there *gestures towards Voldemort and Snape*

WORMTAIL *suppressing a snigger*

VOLDEMORT *with quivering bottom lip* I demand respect, Greyback!

GREYBACK So do I, milkface!

VOLDEMORT *shaky voice* I cannot help my complexion!

SNAPE *frowning* Hang on... Something's wrong here... *gets up and vanishes*

WORMTAIL What about you, Mr Malfoy, Sir? Do you think you are treated with the respect you deserve? *makes a suspicious face*

LUCIUS Now that you're mentioning it - I actually don't! All these creeps aren't fit to hold a candle to me! I'm the progeny of England's oldest and noblest wizard family, and who am I dealing with? Half-bloods! Half-breeds! Downright vermin! Imbeciles are surrounding me, incompetence and unaesthetic mugs -

RODOLPHUS Now, now, Lucius -

LUCIUS Just look at it! These ugly, thickset thugs over there -

CRABBE and GOYLE Hey!

LUCIUS *getting worked up* The skeleton of a half-blood arrogating to have me call him 'master' -

VOLDEMORT HEY!

LUCIUS This bloody hag who thinks she was a prom queen still even though she looks my great uncle Ethelbart with a cleaning mop as a wig -

BELLATRIX *to Rodolphus* I wonder who he means?

SNAPE *screaming outside* WORMTAIL! I'll kill you!

LUCIUS Or Severus with his unsightly nose and this joke of a hairdo! And don't even get me started on Ratface here, and that mangy dog with the overbite and the matted - 'fur' he'll call it!

GREYBACK *plunges at him* I'll show you an overbite, preppie!

VOLDEMORT *to Rodolphus, whimpering* I can't help it, I'm just very, very thin!

RODOLPHUS *amiably* Slender, mylord, I hear that is very hip these days.

SNAPE *comes running in, shaking an empty bottle and throwing it at Wormtail* You bloody bastard!

WORMTAIL *ducking and trying to flee*

GREYBACK and LUCIUS *wrestling*

VOLDEMORT *whining* My skin doesn't tolerate sun, that's why I'm so pale!

RODOLPHUS Why, I think your complexion is lovely!

GREYBACK *holding Lucius in headlock*

LUCIUS *panting* Crabbe! Goyle! Move your fat lazy bottoms and help me with this!

CRABBE and GOYLE *exchanging dumbfounded glances, then jump on top of Greyback*

VOLDEMORT *dryly sobbing* This is all just Potter's fault! Before that - that thing - all my Death Eaters admired me -

LUCIUS That's what you think, Mudblood!

VOLDEMORT ... and what became of me! Potter!

SNAPE *gives Wormtail a well-aimed kick* Shut your mouth, all of you! The little maggot's spiked your drinks with Veritaserum!

RODOLPHUS What a funny little man he is! Why would he do that?

VOLDEMORT *sobbing into Rodolphus' robes* It wasn't my fault! How could I fathom that this girl would die only to protect her son? My mother wouldn't do as much as keep on breathing for my sake!

SNAPE *cursing Wormtail and addressing Voldemort in his most flattering voice* Now what did your lordship say about his Horcruxes?

VOLDEMORT *coughing, incoherently whispering into Snape's ear*

SNAPE *grinning complacently, whipping out his wand* Excellent... Now everyone - Obliviate!