Villains Unite!

HolidayGolightly

Story Summary:
This is couple of little scenes, drawn together under the assumptions that evil villains do sit together for a nightcap like everyone else, too. These scenes feature Voldemort, the Malfoys, the Lestranges, Wormtail as a waiter, Greyback, Snape obviously... And later on, you'll meet even more notorious scoundrels that you know from outside of the Potterverse.

Chapter 01

Posted:
06/04/2007
Hits:
655


Scene One -

- Inside, night. Interior of a large cave, stray armchairs and stools, sofas, beanbags. The place is chiefly lit by candles floating around in mid-air -

LUCIUS This is so much nicer than my cell in Azkaban -

VOLDEMORT *smugly* It is, isn't it?

BELLATRIX Azkaban isn't what it used to be.

RODOLPHUS Too right, my dear.

BELLATRIX You have no idea how it was back then... (sighs wistfully) We were suffering still, but nowadays...

LUCIUS It's still no walk in the park!

BELLATRIX Everything changes... Pity!

LUCIUS *looks like throwing a curse at his sister-in-law*

GREYBACK Could we come back to the plan, please? I'd still say we raid the school -

VOLDEMORT *mad gleam in his red eyes* POTTER!

GREYBACK *casual* Indeed, and hundreds of others children -

BELLATRIX *excited* Oh yes! Yes! Let me do it, master! I can torture each one of them -

VOLDEMORT *somewhat distraught* POTTER!

BELLATRIX *irritated* Yes, well - of course I can torture him, too, I've just thought you wanted him for yourself, my lord -

GREYBACK You can't have them all for yourself, Bella!

BELLATRIX *snidely* You can still eat them once I'm through with them, Fenrir!

GREYBACK It's not the same, is it? Mmm - the taste of fresh meat - tender - raw -

LUCIUS Speaking of tartar - didn't you say there would be some catering tonight?

VOLDEMORT *waking up from his silent reverie* Oh, yes. *claps his hands*

WORMTAIL *shows up, wearing a ridiculous apron and a bonnet on his head and looks thoroughly disgruntled* You've called for me, my lord?

VOLDEMORT Bring the hors d'oeuvres, Wormtail! You're neglecting our friends!

WORMTAIL Your lordship has said -

VOLDEMORT *impatient* Do not start lamenting, maggot! Just fetch the refreshments!

WORMTAIL *disappears again, muttering indistinguishably* unfair... not a servant -

VOLDEMORT I've heard that! Anyway... Where was I? Oh, yes - POTTER!

LUCIUS He's a plague, my lord, very true.

BELLATRIX You should have let him to me, brother!

LUCIUS *ignoring her* Worse than the mould - can't get rid of him -

SNAPE We've got rid of the rest of his family, we'll get rid of him -

LUCIUS Yes, that's what I've thought! But what can you do? Gigantic snakes, evil spells, death curses - everything just bounces off that kid!

VOLDEMORT *looking very much undignified*

LUCIUS *quickly* Sorry, my lord -

BELLATRIX Give 'em to me, I say...

LUCIUS and VOLDEMORT *both looking disgruntled now*

RODOLPHUS My dear, you've got to allow the others some fun, too!

WORMTAIL *enters the cave again, carrying a tray and a sour face* Eggs a la Benedict? Caviar? Blood clots?

VOLDEMORT *rolling his eyes* Simpleton! The blood clots are for the vampires, silly!

WORMTAIL *winces back and whimpers* I know, my lord, but I've thought Mr. Malfoy here -

LUCIUS *looking murderously* WHAT?!

WORMTAIL *in panic* Don't bite me, Sir!

LUCIUS *looking even MORE murderously* WHAT?!

SNAPE *pads Lucius' arm, soothingly* Never mind, old friend. The kids always make up strange and slanderous stories!

WORMTAIL *eagerly trying to make up for his blunder* But I bet Professor Snape here would just love a bite of blood cloth -

SNAPE and LUCIUS *jump at Wormtail and knock the tray from his hands and the air out of his body*

BELLATRIX *giggles*

VOLDEMORT *giggles, too* That's quite enough, children - now, now, Severus, that wasn't fair - Lucius! You're killing our tea trolley!

SNAPE and LUCIUS *straighten up again and brush dust and blood off their robes*

WORMTAIL *moans and wails on the floor* Praise the lord they haven't bitten me -

SNAPE and LUCIUS *return to strangle him*

GREYBACK This is all very entertaining, but could we come back to the PLAN?! It's full moon tomorrow! Do I have your attention, Lucius?

LUCIUS *stops punching Wormtail* Beg your pardon, Fenrir?

VOLDEMORT In my learnt opinion, we should make short work of the Ministry first -

BELLATRIX and GREYBACK *regretfully* Awwww!

VOLDEMORT Yes, I know, I know... I should like to see Potter's end first, too, but -

WORTMTAIL *gasping for breath, Snape is sitting on his face and boxes him in the stomach* My lord - my lord - help me...

VOLDEMORT Too right, Severus. There's still enough time to play, later on... And let me just remind you - if you kill him, you must care for your beverages yourself!

SNAPE *contemplates whether it's not worth it*

LUCIUS *amiably* Leave him, Savvy. You're above him -

SNAPE Clearly. I'd say I'm right on top of him, actually -

RODOLPHUS *conversationally* How's your lovely wife, Lucius?

LUCIUS Oh, thank you, Rodolphus! Cissy's just fine, I dare say!

RODOLPHUS What is she doing nowadays? Now that she doesn't have to bake cookies to send to you any more?

BELLATRIX We never got cookies in Azkaban then!

LUCIUS *ignores her like usually* She's proceeded to knit cursed scarves.

RODOLPHUS Oh, lovely!

GREYBACK *pensively* Yes, lovely, isn't she... And such a beautiful neck!

LUCIUS *arching a brow* Excuse me?!

GREYBACK Did I say something?

RODOLPHUS *friendly* Indeed, you've just said 'beautiful neck', Fenrir -

GREYBACK *squinting at Lucius* Now did I -

BELLATRIX Before they've locked me in Azkaban and threw away the keys, I used to have a beautiful neck, too!

RODOLPHUS And you still have, my dear!

BELLATRIX Oh, thank you, my darling *starts kissing her husband*

GREYBACK However - I'd still say we just raid the place and bite Narcissa - uh - POTTER, I mean -

LUCIUS You mangy beast go anywhere near my wife and I make a carpet out of your fur!

GREYBACK Touchy, are we?

LUCIUS *threateningly* You'll see how touchy I can get, Fenrir!

VOLDEMORT *sighing* Don't provoke him, Fenrir, Azkaban has rendered his temper a little less chilly -

GREYBACK Why, all I've said was -

LUCIUS You better not say it again, buddy!

GREYBACK Who are you calling buddy, man?

LUCIUS You prefer filthy half-breed then?

GREYBACK *growling* Say that again and I -

LUCIUS Filthy Half-breed, filthy Half-breed, there you go -

GREYBACK *plunges at Lucius with a fierce bark*

SNAPE *smiling contentedly and goes back to thrash Wormtail*

BELLATRIX and RODOLPHUS *still kissing passionately*

GREYBACK and LUCIUS *rolling on the floor, fighting*

VOLDEMORT *shakes his head and rolls his eyes, sighing in genuine dismay* Little wonder we've lost the last time around...