Dates, Pranks and Marauders

Chapter X - The Grande Finale Part I

'Hello Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, sirs. It has been such a very long time since you have visited us, we is thinking that you is not coming back!' Winkle squealed running towards Sirius with a plate of his favourite sweets.

'It's been two days, Winkle,' Sirius said, grabbing a few éclairs off the pile that Winkle had now presented to him.

'Oh, but sir, you is usually here at least twice a day!' Winkle said, looking hurt.

'Well, I've sort of been unconscious...' Sirius trailed off, stuffing a whole doughnut into his mouth.

'Is there no miss this time, Mr. Black, sir?' Winkle asked curiously eyeing James.

'Whauf?' Sirius managed to ask around his doughnut, confusion wrinkling his brow.

'The miss, sir, is there no miss this time.' Seeing that both Sirius and James were still confused, Winkle tried again. 'The miss who is fainting because of us.'

'Oh, her,' Sirius said, looking to James with a smile. 'On the night you ruined my life we came in here and she fainted. She was scared of the elves...'

'I know, I was there,' James told him.

'Oh, so that's how you did it, bribing the poor house-elves, eh? I don't think your prank was funny at all,' Sirius said, rubbing his forehead even though it was healed by now.

'It was all Lily's idea. we had nothing to do with it. We just, er, helped her carry out her plan,' James said crossing his arms.

'Somehow, I find that hard to believe,' Sirius scoffed, before grabbing a biscuit or five. James felt it was best not to reply to this, not wanting to have another fist fight anytime soon.

'So, what're you doing for Christmas?' James asked him, changing the subject, without Sirius noticing at all.

'Well, I get to go home and hang out with my sisters...all of them are coming this year, plus Kate's family as well- lots of estrogen...' Sirius said, counting off all the people who were visiting on Christmas holiday.

'D'you mean to tell me that there are going to be nine Blacks in one household...will you survive?' James said, laughing at Sirius' wide-eyed look.

'Of course I'll survive, I'm the favourite,' Sirius told James, giving him a cheeky grin, 'So, what are you doing with your rich family this year?'

'I'm stuck here. My parents are going on their second honeymoon...' James moaned miserably.

'Well, I don't see why they shouldn't. Isn't that what married people do?' Sirius asked. His parents had never been on a second honeymoon, but then again his parents were kind of weird...they were his parents after all.

'It's their eighteenth second honeymoon, they've had one every year since I've been born, plus some extras. One year they had two- one on Christmas and one on my birthday...' James looked misty-eyed for a moment, then snapped back to reality.

'Oh...' Sirius said, not sure whether to comfort James, or leave him alone. 'I've an idea! You can come and stay with me for Christmas.'

'Well, I wouldn't want to impose, but if you really want me to then...' James trailed off, obviously very glad that he had an alternative to an empty castle.

'D'you remember coming to my house at all? Honestly, do you believe someone could impose my mother?' Sirius asked him. 'We're talking about Mrs. 'Semi-hippie-I-want-my-kids-to-'express'-themselves-Black.''

'Right, well, I'll go pack my things then, shall I?' James said eagerly.

'That's fine James, but don't you think you'd better wait 'till morning? After all it's nearly four o'clock, and Moony's probably still suffering from lack of sleep.' Sirius tried to grin mysteriously, but was overcome with a deep yawn.

'Oh, right... maybe we'd better go, then,' James said, moving towards the door. Sirius followed suit after filling all of his pockets with sweets and prying Winkle off his left leg.

'Goodbye Mr. Black, sir!' Winkle called after him, sniffling.

'I'll be back tomorrow, Winkle,' Sirius said, growing tired of this every time he went into the kitchen.

'Oh, OK!' Winkle said happily, bouncing back off to his work.

James and Sirius clambered out of the kitchen and walked down the corridor towards Gryffindor common room.

'My face hurts,' James said to Sirius as they walked past a suit of armour and automatically ducked out of view as one of the ghostly sentries passed by.

'Well the back of my head hurts, James,' Sirius replied, pulling aside a tapestry to take a short cut.

'I seriously doubt that, your head is harder than stone. Besides, if you wouldn't have started the fight, your head wouldn't hurt now,' James started.

'Wait, wait, wait. The fight that I started? Oh no, the fight that you started. I don't know if you recall, but you were the one that said 'I'm going to hit you.''

'What d'you think I should get Lily for Christmas?' James asked Sirius, knowing it best to drop it and change the subject.

'How 'bout a nice box of chocolates?' Sirius suggested.

'But that's what I get her every year. I want to get her something special. This is our first Christmas together,' James told him, looking thoughtful.

'It's not like it's that much different than before, James,' Sirius began. 'Well, except that you two are now snogging every chance you get.'

'Really, Sirius, what should I get her?'

'How about a nice toaster?'

'No.'

'Hoover?'

'No, Sirius.'

'Mixer?'

'No.'

'Electric rubbish bin?'

'Stop already, I'm not getting her a kitchen appliance of any kind. We're not married you know.'

'Margarita machine?'

'No, Sirius, I believe that's what you want.'

'Oh...too right you are. Well, have you gotten me anything yet?'

'C'mon, be serious for a change-'

'I'm always Sirius, James,' Sirius held a straight face for nearly half a moment before both of them cracked up and laughed- it truly was late in the night.

'Honestly though,' James started, still a little breathless from all the mirth, 'I want to get her something really special.'

'You could get her some new make-up; girls love that sort of stuff.'

'Lily looks fine the way she is, she might think I want her to wear tons of that stuff, like the other girls in her year.'

'Or worse- she might think that you think she's ugly without it. I made that same mistake with Diana McDermot... Hmm...well, perhaps she'd like some fancy perfume. Mum always gets all mushy with Dad whenever he brings her stuff like that.'

'NO! She'll assume that I think she stinks, then,' James said, looking horrified at the thought.

'Flowers?'

'What if she's allergic?'

'Prongs, you're making this far too hard. I'm sure Lily will like anything you give her.'

'Sirius, you're being entirely unhelpful. I thought you were supposed to be good at this. Aren't you an expert on women?'

'Well, yes. But you know I don't keep relationships that long!'

'Have you ever bought a gift for any girl?'

'Of course I have! I buy things for my sisters every year! And my mum, don't forget her.'

James was speechless for a moment, then repeated,

'So, you've never bought a gift for any girl.'

'Guess not,' Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. 'Well, I say stick to the chocolates. It's a traditional good gift.'

'Aha! I know what I'll get her!' James declared, looking expectantly at Sirius.

'Good,' said Sirius, not feeling it necessary to hear what it was. 'So, did you listen to the game this morning on the wireless? I really wanted to listen to it, but unfortunately, I was unconscious.'

'You weren't unconscious, you were asleep. You stopped being unconscious two days ago,' James muttered.

'So, did the Kestrels beat the Falcons?' Sirius asked interestedly.

'Yes, I wish you could have heard it! The chasers pulled off a perfect Hawkshead, it was amazing!' James and Sirius continued talking about the game all the way back to the dormitory, unfortunately for them, Remus was not in the mood for quidditch at four thirty-two in the morning on a school night. When they entered the room, they had forgotten what time it was, and carried on their conversation as loudly as before.

Remus opened one eye, grabbed a lamp from his bedside, and sat up in bed.

'Do the two of you have any idea what time it is?' Remus asked, his eye twitching, eerily emphasised by the flickering light of the lamp.

'Uh, no?' Sirius said, stopping in his tracks.

'Oh, well, neither do I,' Remus said, putting the lamp aside and seeming to fall back asleep immediately.

'OK,' Sirius said, 'that went better than I would have thought.'

'Yes, well we'd better get to sleep, we do have school tomorrow.'

****

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter sat at the breakfast table the next morning. They had early Transfiguration on Thursdays, and so they huddled over their porridge at the crack of dawn. James had a large pot of coffee surrounded by four large mugs. All of these mugs were magically refilled whenever drunk from. Remus stared blankly towards a wall, not focussed on anything in particular, occasionally breaking out of his stupor to slowly turn his eyes to Sirius, who had his head resting on Remus' shoulder, his mouth open with a good bit of drool trickling down onto Remus' robes. James nervously twitched as he downed his sixth cup. All three of them were in need of a good shave, Sirius being especially blue with stubble, having been 'unconscious' for so long.

'Shouldn't you maybe eat something, besides all that coffee, James?' Peter asked good-naturedly. He slept through anything, and was happily crunching away at some bacon.

James twitched, his hands shaking violently around his coffee cup.

'I got a half hour of sleep last night,' he said, turning to Peter, his eyes wide from the caffeine now coursing through him. 'Don't tell me what to do.'

'Remus, Sirius is drooling all over your arm,' Peter said in disgust. When Remus didn't reply, but instead let his eyes float towards the ceiling, Peter tried again,

'it's really disgusting, you should make him stop.'

'Too tired...to care,' Remus groaned, his mouth barely moving.

'Oh...well, why are you tired, Remus? You weren't even with them,' Peter inquired. The other three were getting very annoyed with his chipper-ness.

'Unlike you Peter, I can't sleep through Sirius' snores. I got three hours of sleep...'

'That's more than I got.' James' neck began jerking unnaturally of its own accord.

'In the past the three days, James, the past three days,' Remus said hoarsely, letting his forehead fall onto the thick wooden table.

'Why's Sirius been snoring so badly anyway? He's usually pretty bad, but normally you guys can sleep through it as well.' Peter was now getting on the sleepless people's nerves.

'Stop asking questions that no one can answer.' James snapped, downing another cup of coffee. Sirius let out a huge cough/snore, and a large, bent-up cherry stem flew from his throat, hitting Peter in the eye.

'I think that's why, Peter,' Remus' voice told them, strangely muffled by the wood of the table.

'Charlemagne!' Sirius suddenly woke up and sat up stock-straight.

'What?' James asked, having fallen off his chair from a combination of shock and caffeine.

'Eh?' Sirius said vaguely.

'You just shouted out- oh, never mind.' Peter threw his hands up in a gesture of frustration and gave up on his three zombie-like friends.

'Oh good, coffee!' Sirius said slowly but eagerly, his mouth gaping open and his eyes sagging.

'This is mine!' James hissed, wrapping his arms protectively around the coffee pot and four mugs, 'get your own!'

Remus fell asleep again face down on the table, not noticing or caring about the spoon that was digging into his cheek, or the wood-pattern imprinting onto his forehead.

****

It was probably through divine intervention that Remus, Sirius, and James survived double Transfiguration at all. McGonagall just kept talking and talking and reviewing for that end of term exam tomorrow. Sirius practiced sleeping with his eyes open, which was a pretty good plan until McGonagall called on him- apparently it looked like he wasn't paying attention.

'Mr. Black? Mr. Black do you know the answer to the question I asked you or not?' Professor McGonagall asked sharply, standing in front of him, her arms crossed and her lips a barely existent line. Sirius responded by staring blankly through her. McGonagall padded cat-like over to him, and ever-so-gently slammed her hands onto his desk with a loud, 'THWOP!'

'AH! I didn't do it!' Sirius exclaimed nonsensically. Professor McGonagall, her lips having now disappeared entirely, stared coldly at Sirius, and then gave a quizzical look to James, who was nervously and rapidly drumming all ten of his fingers on his desk; his eyes were darting wildly around the room.

'Mr. Black, I don't know if you realise this, but we have an end of term exam in this class tomorrow, and I think it would be prudent for you to pay attention.' As she lectured angrily, she noticed that Sirius' head had drooped onto Remus' shoulder, and he was now snoring loudly, 'Are you paying attention to me? Mr. Black!'

'What?!' Sirius asked rudely, not opening his eyes, raising his head, or in fact realising who he was talking to.

'Get out of my class, now! Get to the hospital wing right now if you're having that much trouble staying awake,' she stated, pointing towards the door. 'Ten points from Gryffindor, and don't come back until you've decided to learn.' At 'ten points from Gryffindor,' Sirius sat up stock straight, all traces of sleep gone, and cried out angrily,

'What, miss, what'd I do?'

'I suppose one of your friends will have to explain it to you later, if they were even listening,' she told him, now looking at Remus sleeping a little less obviously and James acting like a hummingbird on speed, 'I think you probably ought to go to the hospital wing, if you're having that much trouble staying awake.'

'Oooh-I-know-Professor-I-know-Sirius-I-know-what-he-did- but-I-can't-tell-him-now-because-he's-in-trouble-Professor-and-you'll- be-mad-at-me-if-I-tell-him-I-think-Sirius-should-leave-now-because- he's-in-big-trouble-but-I-was-paying-attention-Professor-I'm-perfectly- awake-I'm-not-going-to-sleep-for-a-long-time-I'm-wide-awake!' James said, cheerily waving goodbye to Sirius.

'Perhaps, Mr. Potter, you ought to join Mr. Black in the hospital wing...' McGonagall looked cautiously at James, who was now twitching violently. 'Yes, I think that's best...'

'But-I-want-to-do-well-on-the-test-Professor-McGonagall- and-I-can't-miss-the-review-'cause-then-I'll-do-bad-on-the-test-and-I- can't-do-bad-on-the-test-so-I-can't-miss-the-review-'cause-if-I-miss-the-review-' James started again, but Professor McGonagall clamped a hand over his mouth, gently led him over to the door, and kicked him out next to Sirius.

James skipped/sprinted merrily all the way to the hospital wing, running in circles round Sirius, while Sirius dragged himself foot by foot. When they finally reached the hospital, James jumped towards the door and began knocking loudly without stop until Sirius forcefully grabbed his arm and pulled it away. James started knocking with the other hand.

'That's enough, she heard you,' Sirius growled slowly. James was just about to respond when the matron cut him off by opening the door angrily due to James knocking.

'What do you-' Madam Pomfrey began, but was interrupted by James.

'Hiya-Madam-Pomfrey-how-are-you-Professor-McGonagall-told-us-to- come-here-because-Sirius-was-bad-in-class-he-couldn't-and-wouldn't-stay-awake- but-I-did-I'm-wide-awake-I-don't-know-why-I'm-here-they-say-I'm-acting-funny- but-I-don't-think-I'm-acting-funny-at-all-I'm-awake-what- do-you-think-am-I-acting-' James started again, but this time Sirius clamped a hand firmly over his mouth.

'You're not allowed in here,' the matron told him, closing the door part of the way so he couldn't get in.

'I don't want to be here; I just want to go to sleep. But what should I do about him?' Sirius asked, motioning to James, who was tapping his foot and still attempting to talk through Sirius' hand.

'What's the matter with him?' Madam Pomfrey said suspiciously.

'He got half an hour of sleep last night, then had ten cups of coffee for breakfast, and nothing else,' Sirius told her groggily.

'Well, the caffeine should wear off sometime today, just tie him down until it does,' Madam Pomfrey instructed, shutting the door with a snap.

'Thanks a lot,' Sirius said to the door, dragging a babbling James back towards the dormitory. Sirius chose to ignore everything James was saying at an incredible speed, and simply led him back through the Entrance Hall and made to go up the Grand Staircase.

Suddenly James stopped mid-sentence.

'I feel very tired.' James' caffeine high was over. He sat down at the bottom of the steps, leaned against the wall, and fell asleep.

'C'mon James, I want to get to my bed,' Sirius urged, pulling on James' arm. 'James? James, this isn't funny. If you think I'm going to carry you up these stairs then you've got another thing coming...James? James?'

Sirius gave another fruitless tug at his arm, but James was too far off to notice. Sirius looked up the long staircase tiredly, then down at his best friend, and he curled up on the cold stone floor and went back to sleep.

END OF CHAPTER 10