Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - MSTed

Chapter Three

Numerous Lovers

As before, the four boys are in the same places we last left them. Remus is reading from the book, sitting on the bed, along with James, and Sirius who are also sitting on the bed. Peter is still where he first was - sitting on the window ledge.

Remus: There was a large jar of Fleetwood's High-Finish Handle Polish

Peter: For high-finish handle brooms.

Remus: a pair of gleaming silver Tail-Twig Clippers, a tiny brass compass to clip onto your broom for long journeys, and a Handbook of Do-It Yourself Broomcare.

James: The sequel to the less famously known Handbook of Get Someone Else to Do it For You Broomcare.

Remus: Apart from his friends, the thing Harry missed most about Hogwarts was

Sirius: Filch. His secret lover.

James: !

Remus: Quidditch

James: Quidditch. (Looks dreamy).

Sirius: Quick, someone get a towel before he starts to drool.

Remus: the most popular sport in the magical world - highly dangerous

James: He sounds like Madam Pomfrey. "Mr Potter, if you come in here one more time with broken bones, dislocated limbs, or any other sort of ailment due to that ridiculous game you play, you can be assured that my resignation will be on Professor Dumbledore's desk the very next day."

Sirius: She'd only resign because she couldn't bear to see you in pain anymore. I say she's secretly in love with you.

Peter: You also said Harry was having an affair with Ron, Filch, Hedwig, the Sneakoscope, and the 'third owl'.

Remus: very exciting, and played on broomsticks. Harry happened to be a very good Quidditch player

James: Of course! I'd expect no less from my son.

Remus: he had been the youngest person in a century to be picked for one of the Hogwarts house teams.

Sirius: That means he was probably a first-year.

Peter: Where did he find time to do everything? Chase after Voldemort, practice Quidditch, homework, affairs with Filch-

James: No! No affairs with Filch!

Remus: One of Harry's most prized possessions was his

Sirius: Duck!

James: Platypus!

Peter: Whale!

Remus: Dear lord, how many more of these must we go through?

Sirius: Till we get bored of this joke, I suppose.

Remus: Nimbus Two Thousand racing broom.

James looks reverent.

James: (Awed) Just last week the Nimbus spokesman said that they weren't creating any such broom, and that it was just a rumour.

Sirius: Need a minute alone, James?

James: Shut up.

Remus: Harry put the leather case aside and picked up his last parcel. He recognised

Sirius: That it seemed to be a human head.

Others look disgusted.

Remus: the untidy scrawl on the brown paper at once; this was from Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper.

Peter: ...Hagrid sent Harry a present?

Sirius: I'd strongly advise Harry to throw it out the window before opening it, just in case there's anything in there that's alive or something.

Remus: He tore off the top layer of paper and glimpsed

Sirius: His inevitable doom.

Remus: something green and leathery

James: And resembling the hide of a dragon.

Remus: but before he could unwrap it properly

Sirius: It ate him

Peter: That sounds great. His mother and father were murdered by the most feared Dark Lord at the time, and he got eaten by a green and leathery parcel.

Remus: the parcel gave a strange quiver, and whatever was inside snapped loudly

Sirius: He should have strongly considered taking my strong advice.

Remus: as though it had jaws.

James: Of course it had jaws. I can't imagine Hagrid sending something to someone that didn't have jaws.

Remus: Harry froze. He knew that Hagrid would never send him anything dangerous on purpose

Peter: "Oops, sorry Harry, I didn't realise you thought acromantulas were dangerous. It was an honest mistake."

Remus: but then, Hagrid had been known to befriend spiders, buy vicious, three-headed dogs from men in pubs and sneak illegal dragon eggs into his cabin.

Sirius: I find myself completely unsurprised by all this.

Remus: Harry poked the parcel nervously. It snapped loudly again. Harry reached for the lamp on his bedside table

James: A lamp isn't going to save you now, Harry.

Peter: Run! Run for your life!

Remus: gripped it firmly in one hand and raised it over his head.

Sirius: Accidentally hitting himself on the way up, and effectively knocking himself unconscious.

Peter: That's even worse than death by parcel.

Remus: ready to strike. Then he seized

James: The day.

Remus: the rest of the wrapping paper in his other hand and pulled.

Sirius: Stupid boy.

Peter: I told him to run! Run for his life!

James: We heard you! Heard you the first time!

Remus: And out fell - a book.

Sirius: ...well. That was rather anti-climactic.

Peter: Books can be dangerous sometimes, you know.

James: Of course they can. How long were in the library, trapped under that pile of books that fell on you after you tried to pull one out?

Peter: (Turning red) Three hours.

Others snicker.

Remus: Harry just had time to register its handsome

Sirius: Face, and fall in love with it.

Peter: (Counting on his fingers) So that's Ron, Filch, Hedwig, the Sneakoscope, the Hogwarts owl, and now this book to add to Harry's list of romantic conquests.

James: (Dully) Brilliant.

Remus: green cover, emblazoned with the golden title, The Monster Book of Monsters

Sirius: I didn't think those books actually existed.

James: They don't, in the respectable wizarding world.

Remus: before it flipped onto its edge and scuttled sideways along the bed like some weird crab.

Sirius: A particularly handsome weird crab.

James: I'm giving up.

Remus: 'Uh oh,' Harry muttered.

Sirius: Sharp, isn't he?

Remus: The book toppled off the bed with a loud clunk and shuffled rapidly across the room. Harry followed it stealthily.

James: Ooh, he's stealthy.

Sirius: (Whispering) Quiet, he's stealthing.

Remus: The book was hiding in the dark space under his desk.

James: (Pretending to be Harry) FOUND YOU! Now it's your turn to count to a hundred.

Remus: Praying that the Dursleys were still fast asleep, Harry got down on his hands and knees

Sirius: Which is a position that Lily Evans often gets into nowadays.

James: Sirius!

Sirius: I'm sorry, was that inappropriate?

Remus: Not if you're you.

Sirius: (Smugly) I know.

Remus: and reached towards it.

"Ouch!"

Sirius: My, he's eloquent.

James: Why, what do you say when you get hurt? "Oh god in heaven, the twinge of this everlasting paper-cut is simply too much a burden for one lone man to bear."

Remus: The book snapped shut on his hand and then flapped past him, still scuttling on its covers. Harry scrambled

Sirius: To get down on his hands and knees, because he could no longer resist the throbbing-

James: (Clamping his hand over Sirius' mouth) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!

Remus: around, threw himself forward and managed to flatten it.

Peter: It now lay in a messy pulp of paper and cardboard.

Sirius: And blood.

Remus: Books don't bleed.

Sirius: Books also don't scuttle sideways on their covers.

Remus: Uncle Vernon

James: Mourned the loss of the book.

Remus: gave a loud sleepy grunt in the room next door.

Sirius: Then walked into the next room, wanting to finish grunting in all of them before the night was through.

James: As was his nightly ritual.

Peter: Till Aunt Petunia killed him.

Sirius, James, and Peter all cheer.

Remus: Hedwig and Errol watched the scene

Sirius: With lewd interest.

Remus: interestedly as Harry clamped the struggling book tightly in his arms

Sirius: Saying "No! I will not let you leave me for another! I've loved you too much and too long to be betrayed like this!"

Remus: hurried to his chest of drawers and pulled out a belt

Sirius: (Smirks) He could do some very interesting things with that belt, you know.

James: I do now. And honestly, I could have done without the knowledge.

Peter: Knowledge is a dangerous...thing.

Remus: which he buckled tightly around it. The Monster Book shuddered

Sirius: In ecstasy.

Remus: angrily, but could no longer flap and snap, so Harry threw it

Sirius: Out of the window, which he'd realised was the only smart thing to do to biting books.

Remus: down on the bed and reached for Hagrid's card.

James: He should follow Sirius' advice, and throw that out of the window first just to make sure.

Remus: Dear Harry

Happy Birthday!

Peter: Hope my present didn't kill you!

Remus: Think you might find this useful for next year.

Peter: If I were Harry, I'd be slightly concerned that Hagrid thinks he'd find a vicious biting and snapping book useful.

James: I wouldn't. It sounds like typical Hagrid behaviour. Maybe he thinks it'll make Harry a good companion in boring lessons.

Remus: Won't say no more here.

Sirius: As I've forgotten how to write.

Peter: Hey, mean!

Remus: Hagrid may not come off as the smartest person you've ever met, but I believe that deep down-

Sirius: Christ, yes, yes, I know he's brilliant really. I didn't realise you two were in love with him, is all.

Remus rolls his eyes, and Peter sticks his tongue out at Sirius.

Remus: Tell you when I see you.

Hope the Muggles are treating you right.

All four burst out laughing.

James: It's like the chorus of a famous song.

Sirius: I swear all three of them must have decided that Harry couldn't be reminded enough of how his summer was so miserable.

Remus: All the best,

Hagrid

It struck Harry as ominous that Hagrid thought a biting book would come in useful, but he put Hagrid's card next to Ron and Hermione's

Peter: Because he didn't want it to be lonely.

Remus: grinning more broadly than ever.

Sirius: Because he had gone insane, due to the insanity of a biting book.

Remus: Now there was only the letter from Hogwarts left.

James: He's clearly saved the best for the end.

Remus: Noticing that it was rather thicker than usual, Harry slit

Sirius: His wrists.

Peter: Hogwarts letters do that to people.

Remus: open the envelope, pulled out the first page of parchment within and read:

Sirius: "Don't come to school this year. We've been attacked by a number of vicious, biting books. They seem to be breeding in the gamekeeper's cabin."

Remus: Dear Mr Potter,

Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first.

Sirius: Just like the year before.

James: And the year before that.

Peter: And the one before that!

Sirius: Our school doesn't like changes much, does it?

James: Well, they did polish the Chaser hoops on the Quidditch field last year.

Peter: I think you're the only one who noticed the difference, James.

Remus: The Hogwarts Express will leave King's Cross Station, platform nine and three quarters, at eleven o'clock.

Sirius: And god help you if you are not there by that time.

Remus: Third-years are permitted to visit the village of Hogsmeade at certain weekends. Please give the enclosed permission form to your parent or guardian to sign.

Sirius: Or if they won't sign it, find out how to deactivate the forgery charm on the form, and sign it yourself.

James: Then get called to McGonagall's office, because she doesn't tend to miss a thing.

Sirius: It was a good try.

Remus: A list of books for the next year is enclosed.

Sirius: How exciting.

Remus: Yours sincerely,

Sirius: And lovingly.

Peter: I think your son's going to have slept with more than half the people, portraits, ghosts, and inanimate objects by the time Sirius is done with him, James.

Remus: Sounds like he takes after Sirius!

Sirius looks smug.

Remus: Professor M. McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

James: Don't forget it!

Remus: Harry pulled out the Hogsmeade permission form and looked at it, no longer grinning. It would be wonderful to visit Hogsmeade at weekends

Sirius: And on weekdays, on holidays, and in-between lessons.

James: I think that's just us.

Remus: he knew it was an entirely wizarding village, and he had never set foot there.

Peter: That's horrifying!

Sirius: (Agreeing vehemently) The poor, poor boy.

James: I shall make sure to leave him the Map in my will.

Sirius: Unless Filch confiscates it before you can.

James: (Gasps) Don't say things like that! It might hear you!

Remus: But how on earth was he going to persuade Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia to sign the form?

Sirius: Imperius?

James: Sure, they sign his form, then he gets thrown into Azkaban.

Sirius: Well, the book is titled The Prisoner of Azkaban.

Remus: He looked over at the alarm clock.

Peter: For the two hundred and seventy eighth time that night. But who's keeping count?

James: You, apparently.

Remus: It was now two o'clock in the morning.

Sirius: Good boy! You get three biscuits for being able to tell time.

Remus: Deciding that he'd worry about the Hogsmeade form when he woke up, he got back into bed

Peter: With all his numerous lovers.

James: Oi! Don't you start too!

Peter: I was only saying it before Sirius could.

James: How is it better that you say it?

Peter: It's more shocking because I seem to be the most innocent one of the lot?

Sirius: It's the innocent-seeming ones that you have to be careful of.

Remus: and reached up to cross off another day on the chart he'd made himself, counting down the days left until his return to Hogwarts.

Sirius: What an amazingly interesting life this boy leads.

James: Well what do you expect him to do with an aunt and uncle who are prepared to shove him into a box if he tries anything in the least out of the ordinary?

Remus: Then he took off his

Sirius: Clothes. (Sees the looks the other three are giving him) I'm sorry; this book makes it far too easy!

Remus: glasses and lay down, eyes open

Sirius: Legs bent at the knees, hands upright in the air, and head turned to the right.

James: What on earth sort of position is that?

Sirius: It's what Snape would look like if you hadn't pulled him out of the Shrieking Shack.

Remus: I think you had better not joke about that. I still haven't forgiven you for it.

Sirius: (Looks ashamed) Er, right. Sorry.

Remus: facing his three birthday cards.

Peter: Aw.

James: Yes, it's precious. (Rolls his eyes).

Remus: Extremely unusual though he was, at that moment Harry Potter felt just like

Sirius: A duck!

James: A platypus!

Peter: ...

James: A platypus!

Peter: Er, sorry guys, I'm with Remus on this one, I think it's high time we let it go.

Sirius: (Sighing) Take a moment, James, to mourn for the loss of the poor joke.

James: It didn't even make it to the second chapter.

Sirius: Oh god, we're still on the first chapter? I thought we'd finished the book by now.

Remus: Well, if I could continue, we could attempt it?

Sirius: Please, please continue.

Remus: everyone else: glad, for the first time in his life, that it was his birthday. And that finishes the first chapter.

Sirius looks moved to tears.

James: Looks like this is going to be a long one, lads. What say we head down to the kitchen to ask Pippy for something to eat before continuing?

Sirius runs out of the room before anyone can say anything else.

Remus: Do you think he was in a hurry to get there?

James: (Grinning) Of course not, what would give me that idea?

James, Remus, and Peter all head down after Sirius.