Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - MSTed

Chapter Two

The Lop-Sided Arse

The scene looks exactly the same as where we left off. Remus is reading from the book, sitting on the bed, along with James, and Sirius who are also sitting on the bed. Peter is still sitting on the window ledge.

Remus: Of all the unusual things about Harry, this scar was the most extraordinary of all. It was not, as the Dursleys had pretended for ten years, a souvenir of the car crash that had killed Harry's parents, because and James Potter had not died in a car crash. They had been murdered, murdered by the most feared Dark wizard for a hundred years, Lord Voldemort.

Peter flinches.

Sirius: That just can't be possible. It can't. It isn't, there's been some sort of mistake, obviously.

James: (A little shaken) Well, I suppose it makes sense, doesn't it?

Sirius: What the hell are you on about?

James: I mean...I don't know, it's just the way we've all been...involved with the war lately, so to speak.

Remus: We promised ourselves we wouldn't think about that this summer.

Peter: Not like we had much of a choice, did we? With this book and everything.

Sirius: But I mean...you can't...die.

Remus: There's still a possibility that this book isn't real. Maybe it's a trick of some sort...James, didn't your twelve-year-old cousin just visit recently?

James: Er, you mean Duncan? The one who cowers in fear at the sight of ants?

Remus: Oh. Right, I forgot about that bit.

Sirius: (Shaking his head) It's impossible, it can't happen.

Peter: We'll have to make sure it doesn't happen!

James: If this book's really from the future, which whatever you say Remus, it looks like it might be, then there's nothing we can do about it. And don't go all mushy on me now...what will come, will come...and we'll have to meet it when it does.

Sirius: (Firmly) Well one thing's for sure, we're not going to let you die.

Peter: Yes, definitely not.

Remus: Obviously.

James: (Smiles) I know. Now look, we promised ourselves we'd give ourselves just the one summer where we weren't worrying and fussing about all of this. Let's not break that promise now, yeah?

Sirius: (Snapping out of it) Of course not! We can always make time for pointless fun, after all.

Remus: (Smiling slightly) All right, we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.

Peter: We continue, then?

James: (With certainty) Yes.

Remus: Harry had escaped from the same attack with nothing more than a scar on his forehead, when Voldemort's curse, instead of killing him

Peter: Transfigured him into an armadillo!

Remus: had rebounded upon its originator.

Sirius: Well at least we know Voldemort was defeated, then.

Remus: Barely alive, Voldemort had fled...well obviously he wouldn't die, seeing as even as we speak now, the kinds of Dark magic that he uses on himself sometimes would have to be far beyond any known form of-

James: Hey! We're supposed to trying not to be depressed!

Remus: (Sheepishly) Yes, of course. But Harry had come face to face with him since at Hogwarts.

Sirius: Having inherited his father's stupid nobility complex, he felt the need to go search out powerful Dark Lords and try to fight them at the mere ages of eleven and twelve.

James: Shut up.

Remus: Remembering their last meeting as he stood at the dark window, Harry had to admit he was lucky

James: Yes, clearly he is one of those lucky, lucky children.

Sirius: What with having a Dark Lord try to murder him a few times, an aunt and uncle who ignore his birthday and lock him in a cupboard and so on.

Peter: Very lucky, that one is.

Remus: to have reached his thirteenth birthday.

He scanned the starry sky for a sign

Sirius: (Pretending to be Harry) Give me a sign, lord, anything! A sign!

Remus: of Hedwig, perhaps soaring back to him with a dead

Peter: Virgin, for those cleansing sacrifices.

Remus: mouse dangling from her beak

Peter looks slightly sick.

Remus: expecting praise. Yes, she killed an innocent little creature that had absolutely no ability to fight back in any way possible. Good girl!

Sirius: There he goes again, wanting to save all the cute little mousies and Peteys.

Peter: Oi!

Remus: Gazing absently over the rooftops

Sirius: He sighed slightly, wondering how much longer he'd have to pine before his love came home.

Remus: it was a few seconds before Harry realised

Sirius: What he was doing.

James: What was he doing?

Sirius: (Suggestively) What do you think?

Others roll their eyes.

Remus: what he was seeing.

Peter: But we already know what he's seeing! Rooftops! It just told us he's gazing absently at them.

Sirius: I told you this book was inane.

James: Oh get out of it, you're interested to see what happens.

Sirius: (Looks slightly embarrassed.)

Remus: Silhouetted against the golden moon

James: Was a shadow puppet show.

Remus: and growing larger every moment, was a large

Sirius: Arse.

Remus: lop-sided

Sirius: Arse.

James: A large lop-sided arse? What's Snape doing there?

Remus: creature, and it was flapping in Harry's

Sirius: Pants.

Others ignore him.

Remus: direction. He stood quite still

Peter: Someone's cast the full Body-Bind on him!

Sirius: One, stupid joke. And two, he wouldn't be able to stand if they had.

Peter: Oh yeah...

Remus: watching it sink lower and lower.

Sirius: And lower and lower.

James: And lower and lower.

Peter: And lower and lower and low-

Remus: All right then! For a split second

Sirius: There seemed to be a whole chorus of dancing Veela in his room, but it was just one of those happy illusions.

Remus: he hesitated, his hand on

Sirius: His p-

James: Don't finish that sentence!

Sirius: (Sulks.)

Remus: the window-latch, wondering

Peter: What the word "hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" meant.

Pause.

Sirius: What?

Remus: It means 'fear of long words'.

James: Wow Petey, have you been reading up?

Peter: (Decides not to comment.)

Remus: whether to slam it shut

Sirius: Or leave it open.

James: Yes, those are the only two things a window can do.

Peter: Pity, they seem to live such unfulfilled lives.

Remus: but then the bizarre creature

Peter: Burst into flames, deciding for him the matter of whether he should leave the window open or whether he should close it.

Sirius: That was not boring in the least.

Remus: soared over one of the streetlamps of Privet Drive, and Harry

James: Soared over one of the other streetlamps of Privet Drive.

Remus: realising what it was, leapt

Sirius: Out of the window.

Remus: aside.

James: He's realising a lot of things tonight.

Sirius: There must have been an air of epiphany about that night.

Remus: Through the window soared

Sirius: His brain, as he had chucked it out to see if it would bounce.

Peter: Ugh.

Remus: three owls, two of them holding up

James: A sign that said "the apocalypse is coming."

Remus: the third, which appeared to be

Sirius: A duck!

James: A platypus!

Peter: A whale!

Remus: unconscious.

James: (Pretending to be the third owl) I only had two drinks, I swear!

Remus: They landed with a soft flump on Harry's bed

Peter: And then were promptly kicked off, as Harry didn't want any dirty owls dirtying his bed. I don't like owls. (Shudders.)

Remus: and the middle owl, which was large and grey, keeled right over and

Sirius: Threw up.

James/Peter: Ew.

Remus: lay motionless. There was a large package tied to its

Sirius: Head.

James: No wonder it seems to be half-dead.

Remus: legs.

Harry recognised the unconscious owl at once - his name was

Peter: Jacob, the Jumping Jingle-Maker of the West.

Remus: Errol, and he belonged to the Weasley family. Harry dashed to the bed at once, untied the cords around Errol's

Sirius: Neck, saving him from trying to commit suicide for the third time that week.

James: There's nothing we can ever do to stop you from being so macabre, is there?

Remus: I could bind his mouth shut again.

Sirius: Okay, okay, I'll behave.

James: Good dog.

Sirius: (Sulks.)

Remus: legs, took off the parcel and then carried Errol

James: Over the threshold.

Sirius: Seem to be thinking a lot about marriage lately, aren't we?

James: Um.

Remus: to Hedwig's cage. Errol opened one bleary eye, gave

Sirius: His other eye to Harry as a 'thank you' gift, and then rolled over and started to snore.

Remus: a feeble hoot of thanks, and began to gulp

Peter: In fear of what was to come next.

Sirius: How do you gulp in fear?

James: And what's coming next?

Peter: I'm not very good at this, okay?

Remus: some water.

Harry turned back to the remaining owls. One of them, the large snowy female, was his own

Sirius: Girlfriend.

James: What? He's not going about with an owl!

Remus: Hedwig. She, too, was carrying

Peter: A baby.

Sirius: Harry's baby!

James: (Doesn't look pleased with this idea.)

Remus: a parcel, and looked

Sirius: Like a duck!

James: A platypus!

Peter: A whale!

Remus: extremely pleased with herself. She gave Harry an affectionate

Sirius: Snog.

James: Stop it!

Remus: nip with her beak as he removed her burden, then flew across the room to join Errol.

Peter: Hang on, Harry flew across the room? That's interesting...

Sirius: Well you see, He wanted to ask Hedwig's father for her wing in marriage, but he refused to give it to Harry until he, at the very least, learnt how to fly. It was hard, but he did it because it was for the sake of love.

James: (Ignores him.)

Remus: Harry didn't recognise the third owl

Peter: So he set the owl on fire.

James: Why're you setting everything on fire tonight?

Peter: (Gets a gleam in his eye) Fire is fun!

Others edge away.

Remus: a handsome tawny one, but he knew at once where it had come from

Sirius: You see, when a girl and boy owl love each other very much...

Remus: because in addition to a third parcel, it was carrying a letter bearing

Peter: Gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Remus: the Hogwarts crest. When Harry relieved

Sirius: Himself.

Remus: the owl of its post it ruffled its feathers importantly

James: (Pretending to be the owl) I am important. Look at how I ruffle my feathers importantly.

Remus: stretched its wings and took off through the window

Sirius: Which Harry had left open earlier, and had not slammed shut. That is to say, he didn't close the window when he saw the owls, though he had been pondering on the matter - the matter of whether to close the window or leave it open - but in the end, he had left it open. To conclude, the window had been left open and had not been closed.

James: We all thank you for these wonderful insights into windows, Sirius.

Remus: into the night. Harry sat down on his bed, grabbed Errol's package, ripped off

Sirius: His shirt, and started to dance to violin music, half-naked in the moonlight.

James: That's not funny.

Sirius: But half-naked dancing!

Remus: the brown paper and discovered

James: Another piece of brown paper underneath. And under that one, and under that one, and under that one, and-

Peter: This isn't the most exciting parcel ever, is it?

Remus: a present wrapped in

Sirius: Chicken testicles?

Remus: gold

Sirius: My version was better.

Remus: and his first ever birthday card. Fingers

Sirius: Having come off due to his uncontainable excitement.

Remus: trembling slightly, he opened the envelope. Two pieces of paper

James: Walked into a bar...

Remus: fell out - a letter and a newspaper cutting.

The cutting had clearly

Peter: Been cut out of a newspaper.

Remus: come out of the wizarding newspaper

Sirius: Oh, really? I hadn't realised that newspaper cuttings came out of newspapers until I just heard Moony read it. Everyday you learn something new.

Remus: the Daily Prophet, because the people in black and white pictures were moving.

James: What else does he expect them to do?

Remus: In Muggle newspapers, which are what Harry must have been used to, the pictures stay still all the time.

Sirius: They do? That's so odd! How can the people in the pictures stand to stay still for so long?

Remus: Because...oh, never mind. Harry picked up the cutting, smoothed it out and read:

Sirius: Now we're reading newspapers. Yay.

Remus: MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS

Peter: Ice cream into a bowl.

Sirius: Exciting headlines.

Remus: GRAND PRIZE

Arthur Weasley

James: I think that's Bill's father's name.

Remus: Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office at the Ministry of Magic, has won the

Peter: Last biscuit in the jar.

Remus: annual Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw. A delighted

James: Raven ran off with the money, unfortunately.

Remus: Mr. Weasley told the Daily Prophet, 'We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, where our eldest son, Bill

Sirius: Well, there you go! You were right. For once it wasn't Remus.

Remus: (Ignores him) works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank.'

James: (Impressed) Hey, that sounds like a pretty cool job. And this is the little Bill Weasley who apparently accidentally filled the whole Charms room with geese.

Sirius: (Pretending to wipe a tear away) They grow up so fast!

Remus: The Weasley family will be spending a month in Egypt, returning for the start of the new school year at Hogwarts, which five of the Weasley children currently attend.

Harry scanned the moving photograph, and a grin spread

Sirius: Grin Spread! Like jam for the face.

James: You're so poetic.

Remus: across his face as he saw all nine of the Weasleys

Sirius: Wow, that means seven children. Poor Arthur Weasley. If they are going to be anything like what dear Bill is right now, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley are in for an exciting journey.

Remus: waving furiously at him, standing in front of a large

Sirius: Duck!

James: Platypus!

Peter: Whale!

Remus: You know, that wasn't even funny to begin with.

Others look deflated.

Remus: pyramid. Plump little Mrs. Weasely

James: I'm not surprised, after seven children!

Remus: tall, balding Mr. Weasley, six sons and one daughter, all (though the black and white picture didn't show it) with flaming red hair.

Peter: THEY'RE ON FIRE!

Others give him odd looks.

Remus: Right in the middle of the picture was Ron, tall and gangling

Sirius: My, he sounds attractive.

Remus: with his pet rat Scabbers

James: Why would anyone want a pet rat?

Peter: Oi!

Remus: on his shoulder and his arm around his little sister, Ginny.

Harry couldn't think of anyone who deserved to win a large pile of gold more than

Sirius: Himself.

Remus: the Weasleys, who were very nice and extremely poor.

James: What a description! They should put that on a signboard outside their house or something. "We're very nice and extremely poor".

Peter: I'll bet they're poor, how can they help it with all those children?

Remus: He picked

Sirius: His nose.

Remus: up Ron's letter and unfolded it.

Dear Harry,

Happy birthday!

James: At least he has friends, even if his life his miserable.

Remus: Look, I'm really sorry about that telephone call.

Sirius: (Pretending to be Harry) Oh, you mean the one for which I was nearly locked into a small box for the rest of the summer holidays, with no food, water, or oxygen? Don't worry about it.

Remus: I hope the Muggles didn't give you a hard time.

James: Well, too bad, they did.

Remus: I asked Dad, and he reckoned I shouldn't have shouted.

Sirius: Well, isn't he clever?

Remus: It's brilliant here in Egypt.

Peter: Yeah, so sorry I made your summer more miserable than it was before, making it your worst summer holiday yet, but I'm having a great time!

Remus: Bill's taken us round all the tombs, and you wouldn't believe the curses those old Egyptian wizards put on them. You know, there are actually some very interesting books that we were asked to read for History of Magic, and there were some really in depth studies done on some ancient civilisations. The kind of magical structure that the Egyptian wizards used in those societies were fascinating, in the way that-

Sirius: Why do you continue to think that we're actually interested in these things?

Remus: (Sighs, but continues) Mum wouldn't let Ginny come

Sirius snickers. Others sigh.

Remus: in the last one. There were all these

Peter: Pornographic books in it. I nicked some, we'll make a fortune!

Remus: mutant skeletons in there, of Muggles who'd broken in and grown extra heads and stuff.

Sirius: Wow. Let's go there when we're done with school and the war and everything.

Remus: I couldn't believe when Dad won the Daily Prophet Draw.

Peter: Yeah, no one ever wins those things, and if they do, they end up getting like, six or seven galleons.

Remus: Seven hundred galleons!

Sirius: We're using the money we have leftover to build a house made of money!

Remus: Most of it's gone on this holiday, but they're going to buy me a new wand for next year.

James: Well, that's nice. I never got a new wand in all my years at Hogwarts.

Remus: Harry remembered only too well the occasion when Ron's old wand had snapped.

Sirius: (Pretending to be Ron's old wand) No, no, no, no! I can't take it anymore, this is the very last straw! If you don't shape up, Ronald, I'm leaving you!

Remus: It had happened when the car the two of them had been flying had crashed into a tree in the school grounds.

Sirius', James', and Peter's jaws all drop open.

Sirius: Right, that boy is definitely your son.

James: (Wiping a tear) I'm glad someone will be carrying on the legacy.

Peter: ...the legacy of crashing cars into trees?

Sirius and James exchange an exasperated glance with each other.

Remus: We'll be back about a week before term starts and we'll be going up to London

Sirius: To pick up some slappers before going back to school. Sound like fun? I wanted to make up for your miserable summer.

Remus: to get my wand and our new books. Any chance of meeting you there?

James: Sure, let me just ask my wonderful aunt and uncle to see what they think. I'm sure we can have a reasonable discussion as soon as they let me out of the oven.

Remus: Don't let the Muggles get you down!

Peter: (Laughs) There's a kind of irony to that statement. I just don't know where it is.

Remus: Try and come to London,

Ron

PS: Percy's Head Boy. He got his letter last week.

Sirius: That reminds me; didn't someone else get a special letter from Hogwarts a few days ago?

James: Shut up.

Sirius: Time to buckle down, old boy. No more sneaking off to Hogsmeade in the middle of the night for you. Of course, I'm guessing it'll help on those lonely nights when we're off somewhere making mischief that you have a Head Girl all to yourself in that cozy little room, right?

James: It's an office, meant for official purposes only, Padfoot!

Sirius: (Smirking) Of course it is.

Remus: Harry glanced back at the photograph. Percy, who was in his seventh

Peter: Month of the pregnancy, was getting quite big now.

Remus: and final year at Hogwarts, was looking particularly smug. He had pinned

James: His mouth shut, accidentally. A feat that no wizard had accomplished for over a thousand years.

Remus: his Head Boy badge to the fez perched jauntily on top of his neat hair

James: He's just trying to show Harry up! There's no need to walk around the place, all strands of hair in place like that, when there are many other people who suffer the Untidy Hair disease. Discrimination!

Sirius: Calm down, and then go shave your head. Only cure.

James: (Sulks.)

Remus: his horn-rimmed glasses flashing in the Egyptian sun.

Peter: (Falsetto) This season, the fashion has turned to horns! Get everything you can horn-rimmed; because no matter what size, shape, or race you are, once you rim everything you own with horns, you look sexy no matter what!

Remus: Harry now turned

James: Into a snowman.

Remus: to his present and unwrapped it. Inside was what looked like a miniature

Peter: Civilisation.

Remus: glass spinning top. There was another note from Ron underneath it.

Sirius: Of course there was. Ron's sent Harry more pieces of paper than anything else.

Remus: Harry - this is a Pocket Sneakoscope. If there's someone untrustworthy around

All look at Sirius, who pretends not to notice.

Remus: it's supposed to light up and spin.

James: So even if you're about to be stabbed in the back or something, at least you'll be looking at something pretty and spin-y as you die!

Remus: Bill says it's rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn't reliable

Peter: If you rely on it to be on time, it's late, if you rely on it to do your homework, it forgets. Don't rely on it!

Remus: because it kept lighting up at dinner last night.

Sirius: It was just showing off a little bit, what's the harm in that?

Remus: But he didn't realise Fred and George had put beetles in his soup.

James: I don't know who Fred and George are, but I like them.

Peter: Probably two of the seven Weasley children. The Percy boy's probably part of them as well.

Sirius: The poor sods. Bill who fills rooms with geese, Percy who seems to be a smug bastard, Ron who deafens everyone, and Fred and George who put insects into things people are trying to eat. This is why I'm never having children.

James: No, the reason you're never having children is because any girl would be out of her mind to have them with you.

Sirius: Same thing.

Remus: Bye - Ron

Sirius/James/Peter: (All waving) BYE RON!

Remus: Harry put the Pocket Sneakoscope

Sirius: Into his mouth. He'd never tasted fresh Sneakoscope before.

Remus: on his bedside table, where it

James: Did a little dance, made a little noise...

Remus: stood quite still, balanced on its point, reflecting the luminous hands of his clock. He looked at it happily

Sirius: And it looked at him happily. Then they got married and lived happily ever after, the end.

James: Why are you making out my son to be having relationships with animals and inanimate objects?

Sirius: I'm trying to inject a little excitement into his life.

Peter: Well, he seems to have one of the most feared and powerful Dark wizards of all time after him. That's possibly excitement enough.

Sirius: Point.

Remus: for a few seconds

James: Which he timed by looking at the luminous hands of his clock.

Sirius: So how was he looking happily at his Sneakoscope while looking at his clock at the same time?

James: Talent.

Remus: then picked up the parcel Hedwig had brought.

Inside this, too, there was

Sirius: Another happy Sneakoscope.

Remus: a wrapped present, a card and a letter, this time from Hermione.

James: She sends him a card and a letter? She has that much to say?

Sirius: She didn't want to be outdone by all the notes and letters that Ron sent him.

Remus: Dear Harry,

Ron wrote to me

Peter: (Pretending to be Harry) Yeah, he does that a lot.

Remus: and told me about his phone call to your Uncle Vernon.

Sirius: He seems to be bragging about that more than anything, telling everyone within a five kilometre radius.

Remus: I do hope you're all right.

Peter: Well, after my bones get used to being out in the open air again, from being locked in that cupboard, I should be fine, really.

Remus: I'm on holiday in France at the moment

James: Right, so they all say "I really hope you're all right, Harry, I'm praying for you" and then the very next sentence is "but I'm have a fabulous time on my holiday, with my family who loves and cares for me."

Remus: and I didn't know how I was going to send this to you

Sirius: It's the little finger from my left hand. They gave me a rather odd look when I said I'd like it wrapped in purple and green polka dotted paper to send to you.

Remus: what if they'd opened it at Customs? - but then Hedwig turned up! I think she wanted to make sure you got something for your birthday for a change.

James: How conveniently fortunate that Hedwig went to Hermione, and not Ron, because Ron already had an owl to send to Harry. Isn't that convenient?

Peter: It is convenient.

Sirius: Very convenient.

Remus: I brought your present by owl-order; there was an advertisement in the Daily Prophet (I've been getting it delivered

Sirius: How exciting.

Remus: it's so good to keep up with what's going on in the wizarding world).

James: Yesterday Voldemort killed loads of Muggles, and today it looks like there's going to be a chance of a light shower in the evening.

Remus: Did you see that picture of Ron and his family a week ago? I bet

Peter: You didn't. But I saw it, because I've been getting the Daily Prophet delivered. It's so good to keep up with what's going on in the wizarding world.

James: I'm getting a strange sense of déjà vu.

Sirius: I'm getting a strange sense of déjà vu.

Remus: he's learning loads, I'm really jealous - the ancient Egyptian wizards were fascinating. That's exactly what I said!

Sirius: Brilliant, now let's sit through an hour-long lecture, where we will discuss just how fascinating these wizards were.

Remus: (Sulks.) There's some interesting local history of witchcraft here, too. Oh of course, after all, it was someone in the French wizarding community, I think, somewhere in the fourth century, who found that if you mixed exactly the right quantities...(trails off as he sees the expressions of the faces of the other three) never mind.

Sirius: Too right.

Remus: I've re-written my whole History of Magic essay to include some

Sirius: Dirty pictures. At least, that's what I did.

James: And what did Binns say when you gave it to him?

Sirius: (Grinning) I think I got an E on it.

Remus: of the things I've found out. I hope it's not too long, it's two rolls of parchment more than Professor Binns asked for.

Sirius: I think this is your soul-mate, Remus.

Remus: Excuse me, I'd be old enough to be her father if I were there.

Peter: Wow, Professor Binns is still teaching? He already looks like he's on the verge of certain death.

James: Knowing him he'd probably go on teaching after he died. He's not the type to let something like death get in the way of killing his students with boring lectures.

Remus: Ron says he's going to be in London in the last week of the holidays. Can you make it?

Sirius: I'm getting a strange sense of déjà vu.

James: I'm getting a strange sense of déjà vu.

Peter: Me too.

Remus: Will your aunt and uncle let you come?

Peter: How many times must we go through this?

Remus: I really hope you can.

Sirius: In the meantime, I'll enjoy my fantastic holiday in France extra hard for you.

Remus: If not, I'll see you on the Hogwarts Express on September the first!

James: Not a day earlier, not a day later, and I'll be taking a toe or finger from you for each day that you're off by.

Remus: Oi! You're all getting to be as bad as Sirius!

Sirius: I'm a very powerful corrupting influence.

Remus: Love from

Hermione

P.S. Ron says Percy's Head Boy.

James: I don't see why Ron and Hermione didn't just make two copies of the same letter and send them off, seeing as they both say the exact same thing.

Remus: I'll bet Percy's really pleased. Ron doesn't seem too happy about it.

Harry laughed again

James: When did he laugh the first time?

Remus: as he put Hermione's letter aside and picked up her present. It was very heavy.

James: It was dry. It rattled. It gave off a funny smell that would cause people in the vicinity to sing church hymns. It was wrapped in brown paper.

Remus: Knowing Hermione

Sirius: Was something no one should have been asked to do!

Remus: he was sure it would be a large book full of very difficult spells

Sirius: (Groaning) I've had enough of books to last a bloody infinity and half!

Remus: but it wasn't.

Sirius: Thank god.

Remus: His heart gave a huge bound

Peter: And leapt clear out of his chest.

Sirius: Leaving him bleeding to death on the cold floor.

James: Oi!

Remus: as he ripped back the paper and saw as sleek black leather case with silver words stamped across it: Broom Servicing Kit.

James: (Gasps) Those things are amazing!

Sirius: How come I never get those kinds birthday presents from any of you?

Remus: 'Wow, Hermione!' Harry whispered, unzipping

Sirius: His pants.

James: Obviously.

the case to look inside.