Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - MSTed

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - MSTed

Chapter One

The Mysterious Book

Four boys are in a bedroom, the sun shining through the windows. One, James, is sitting cross-legged on the floor doodling on a piece of parchment. Another, Sirius, is lying across the bed in the middle of the room, flipping though the pages of a magazine titled "Playwizard". A third boy, Peter, is sitting on a window ledge, looking out, and the fourth, Remus, is looking through the books in the bookcase in one corner of the room. There's generally an air of boredom about the boys.

Sirius: (Offhand) Mendalina Von Prott has gained weight.

James: (Looking up) Has she? How exciting.

Peter: It's a pity though; she used to be very pretty.

The boys go back to what they were doing before this inane conversation. Remus is puzzling over the spine of a book in the bookcase. He pulls it out and looks at the cover.

Remus: Hmm.

James: (Looking over at Remus) What is it, Moony?

Remus: Oh nothing, just there seems to be a book in James' bookcase here titled "Harry Potter".

The interest of the rest of the three boys is piqued, and they all respectively drop what they are doing and come to look over Remus' shoulder.

James: That's odd. I don't remember ever seeing that book before.

Sirius: Hah, well, the way you've been acting recently, I'm not surprised.

James: (Crossing his arms) And what's that supposed to mean?

Sirius: (Slyly) It means that, even though I've no idea why she did, ever since Lily Evans agreed to go out with you, you've not been all there.

James: (Blushes, but decides to leave the matter at that.)

Remus: I can't tell what the book's about, the back cover seems to have been torn off. That's an interesting picture on the front though; it seems to resemble a hippogriff, in that-

Sirius: Okay, this is no longer interesting. (Goes back to the bed, and flops down and picks magazine back up.)

James: Hang on, look at that, underneath "Harry Potter", the title continues (reading) "and the Prisoner of Azkaban". (Sirius looks back up at this.) Who's J. K. Rowling?

Remus and Peter shrug.

Peter: Probably some witch or wizard. I mean, if they know about Azkaban and everything.

James: (Rolling his eyes) Yes Peter, I knew that part, seeing as I don't have many books by Muggles in my house and all.

Peter looks embarrassed. Remus goes over and sits by Sirius on the bed, and James and Peter return to their original places. Remus opens the book to the first chapter and starts reading while the other three boys look at him expectantly. After about thirty seconds he seems to notice this, and looks up.

Remus: What?

James: Want to try reading it out loud?

Remus: Oh, right. Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy in many ways.

Sirius: He would wear all his clothes backwards, put his socks on after his shoes, and he never brushed his teeth.

Remus: For one thing, he hated summer holidays

James: Gasp!

Peter: Gasp!

Sirius: Gasp!

All three boys look at Remus.

Remus: Okay, look, it's not that I hate the summer holidays or anything, I just happen to think that the kinds of things that we do at school are rather interesting. Is there anything wrong with that?

Sirius/James/Peter: Yes!

Remus: more than any other time of year. For another, he really wanted to do his homework

Sirius: I can't believe this boy shares your last name, Prongs.

James: (Shaking his head) Neither can I.

Remus: but was forced to do it in secret, in the dead of night.

Peter: That's highly unusual.

Sirius: (Nodding in agreement) Highly.

Remus: And he also happens to be a wizard.

James: That's not highly unusual.

Sirius (Shaking his head) No, it isn't.

Remus: It was nearly midnight, and he was lying on his front in bed, the blankets drawn over his head like a tent - maybe he's playing camping.

Sirius: Maybe he's what?

Remus: Playyyiiiing caaaaampiiiing.

Sirius: Never mind.

Remus: a torch in one hand, and a large leather-bound book

Peter: In one foot.

Sirius/James/Remus/: What?

Peter: You know, I was making a witty comment. I mean, isn't it a funny image, him holding a book in his foot?

Remus: Moving on - (A History of Magic, by Bathilda Bagshot)

James: Ugh, why he is reading that? It's one of the dullest books ever, and it must be part of some medieval torture ritual that we're still reading it.

Remus: (Defensively) I happen to like it.

Sirius: (Indulgently) Of course you do.

Remus (Hmphs before continuing) propped up against the pillow. Harry moved

Peter: To Afghanistan!

James: Why Afghanistan?

Peter: I've never been there before.

Remus: the tip of his eagle-feather quill down the page, frowning as he looked for something

James: Old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

Sirius: Isn't the bride supposed to do that? And why would he be looking for all that on a piece of paper? The bride is supposed to wear all that for good luck, not just find it like a word puzzle or something.

James: You know, you take the fun out of everything.

Sirius: (Smugly) It's a talent.

Remus: that would help him write his essay. 'Witch-Burning in the Fourteenth Century Was Completely Pointless

James: As it was found that those damn witches were completely inflammable.

Remus: - discuss.'

James: Don't you think it's odd that you can't rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time?

Remus: (Gives him an odd look) What are you doing?

James: Discussing!

Remus: ...right. The quill paused

Peter: For breath.

Remus: at the top of a likely-looking paragraph. Harry pushed

Sirius: the food around in his mouth.

James/Peter: Ew!

Remus: his round glasses up his nose

Sirius: As opposed to up his arse.

Remus: moved his torch closer to the book and read:

Sirius: Fascinating. Why are we reading this book again?

James/Peter: Shush!

Sirius sighs dramatically.

Remus: Non-magic people (more commonly known as Muggles) were particularly afraid of magic in medieval times, but not very good at recognising it.

James: Yes, when they saw all those people flying overhead on brooms, they simply thought it was a test run of those new Looks-Like-a-Broom-Flies-Like-an-Airplane gadgets.

Remus: One the rare occasion that they did catch a real witch or wizard, burning had no effect whatsoever. So basically the wizarding world just let the Muggle world kill people who weren't witches or wizards for absolutely no reason.

Sirius: It's called equal rights.

Remus: Of course. The witch or wizard would perform a basic Flame-Freezing Charm

Peter (Worriedly) But I'm crap at those!

Sirius: Don't worry Peter, I'm sure you'll pass the Charms exam.

Peter: ...

Remus: and then pretend to shriek with pain while enjoying a gentle, tickling sensation.

Sirius: (Pretending to be the fire) Koo-chee-koo-chee-koo!

Remus: Indeed, Wendelin the Weird

James: Who the Weird Sisters are direct descendants of.

Remus: enjoyed being burnt so much that she allowed herself to be caught no fewer than forty-seven times in various disguises.

Sirius: (Yawns pointedly) Like I said, fascinating. TELL US MORE ABOUT WENDELIN PLEASE!

Remus: Actually, Wendelin the Weird was helpful to the advancing of magical processes in the wizarding world in many different ways. For instance, where before it was needed to properly prepare the roots of a-

Sirius: I am going to die in protest if you continue with that any longer.

Remus: (Rolling his eyes) Fine, fail History of Magic, what do I care? Harry put his quill between his

Peter: Toes.

James: What is it with you and feet today?

Peter: I...don't know.

Remus: teeth

Sirius: Because he liked the way it tasted.

Remus: and reached underneath his

Sirius: Pants-

Remus: Sirius!

Sirius: Yes, prude?

Remus: (Glares and continues) pillow for his ink bottle and a roll of parchment. Slowly and very carefully he unscrewed

James: His head.

Remus: the ink bottle

James: Close enough.

Others give him odd looks.

Remus: dipped his quill into

Sirius: That pool of blood next to his bed.

Peter: Ugh!

Remus: it and began to write, pausing every now and then to listen, because if any of the Dursleys

Sirius: The who?

Remus: The Duuursleeeyyys.

Sirius: Never mind...

Remus: heard the scratching of his quill on their way to the bathroom, he'd probably find himself locked in the cupboard under the stairs for the rest of the summer.

James: Well that's odd.

Sirius: You might even say that it's highly unusual.

James: You might.

Peter: But who are the Dursleys, how are they related to this Harry Potter, and why do they care whether or not he does his homework?

Remus: Shall I continue, or would you three prefer to sit around and discuss the themes and motifs of this book first?

Sirius: Please continue, Professor Lupin sir.

Remus: (Ignores Sirius pointedly) The Dursley Family of number four, Privet Drive, was the reason Harry never enjoyed summer holidays.

James: They refused to let him do his homework, therefore sucking all the fun out of the holidays.

Remus: Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and their son, Dudley

Sirius: All belonged to the Rather Stupid Name Club, or RSNC for short.

James: (Thoughtfully) Petunia. Why does that name sound so familiar?

Remus: were Harry's only living relatives. They were Muggles

Sirius/James/Peter: Ohhhh.

Remus: That certainly explains a lot. Actually, in a way, the paragraph from A History of Magic is almost foreshadowing the fact that the Dursleys are the type of Muggles who don't fully appreciate-

He gets interrupted by Sirius, James, and Peter who all break out into song at the top of their voices.

Remus: ALL RIGHT I GET IT! (They all stop yelling) and they had a very medieval attitude towards magic.

Sirius: As we now know, as this fact has been hammered into our heads rather severely, and several times.

Remus: Shut up. Harry's dead parents

Peter: They're dead?!

Sirius: You mean you didn't get that from when we were told that the Dursleys were his "only living relatives"?

Peter: Oh...yeah...

James: It's okay Peter, you take your time.

Peter glares at Sirius and James.

Remus: who had been a witch and wizard themselves, were never mentioned under the Dursleys' roof.

Sirius: But on those nights when they all went and sat on top of their roof to star-gaze, they couldn't stop talking about them.

Remus: For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle had hoped that if they kept Harry

Peter: In a cage, that he would...er, sprout wings and bless them with long and fruitful lives.

James: Maybe you shouldn't talk too much from now on, Petey.

Peter: (Glaring) Don't call me that.

Remus: as downtrodden as possible

Peter: That he would sprout wings and-

Sirius: What's that, Petey?

Peter: (Sulks.)

Remus: they would be able to squash the magic out of him. To their fury

Sirius: Logic prevailed, and they realised that trying to squash something intangible out of someone was a rather stupid idea.

Remus: they had been unsuccessful, and now lived in terror of anyone finding out that Harry had spent most of

James: His money on the races.

Sirius: What races?

Remus: How do you know about the races?

James: Well, Lily was talking about how she had an uncle who lost all his...wait, how do you know about them?

Sirius: What races?!

Remus: I, er...was doing some extra reading for Muggle Studies.

James: (Knowingly) Of course you were.

Sirius: Have I suddenly turned invisible?

Peter: Technically invisibility doesn't really make others around you unable to hear what you're saying.

Sirius: Shut up and stop being smart, Petey.

Peter: Well!

Remus: the last two years at...well, that's interesting.

Sirius: What?

Remus: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Peter: Hey! We go there!

Sirius: Do we really?

James: Well, we already know that this is either a witch or wizard writing this book; otherwise they wouldn't know about Azkaban, right? So I guess it makes sense that this guy goes to Hogwarts.

Remus: Yeah, I suppose so...still it's rather odd.

Sirius: Okay, great, can we get on with the story?

Remus: (Slyly) All of a sudden we like books, do we?

Sirius: No, I just want to get back to that Playwizard.

Remus: Of course. The most the Dursleys could do these days was to lock away Harry's spellbooks, wand, cauldron and broomstick

James: (Gasps) Well that just pure evil!

Sirius: Evil epitome!

Pause.

Peter: Um, yeah, it's mean.

Remus: at the start of the summer holidays, and forbid him to talk to the neighbours.

James: (Pretending to be Harry) Oh! No! Anything but that!

Remus: This separation from his spellbooks had been a real problem for Harry

James: Just wait until the divorce papers come through.

Remus: because his teachers at Hogwarts had given him a lot of holiday work. Speaking of which, shouldn't we be getting started on ours?

Sirius/James/Peter: No.

Remus: (Sighing) Fine. One of these essays, a particularly nasty one about Shrinking Potions, was for Harry's least favourite teacher...WHAT?!

Sirius, James, and Peter all jump in surprise.

James: What, what?

Remus: Professor Snape - that's what!

Stunned silence.

Peter: Well...well, maybe it's another Snape.

Sirius: Maybe, but Snape isn't exactly a very common name.

James: Very, very odd. Oh! Maybe this is a special book, er, about what's going to happen in the future or something. Maybe it one of those Time Turner accidents.

Remus: Those have never been proven to have actually happened. Ever. And that means in the future Snape is going to become the Potions teacher at Hogwarts?

James: Well, he does spend nearly all his time in the dungeons, the slimy git.

Remus: It just seems rather unbelievable. How did the book suddenly appear in your room without your noticing it, even if it was a Time Turner accident?

Sirius: I think we've already explained the reason why James doesn't notice much of anything anymore.

James ignores Sirius. Pointedly.

Peter: Hey, if this book's really is from the future, then do you think that maybe Harry Potter is your son, James?

Sirius and Remus burst into laughter.

James: No! I mean, Potter's a common name, right?

Sirius: What's wrong, Prongs? Afraid of responsibility?

James: Oh, go boil your head.

Sirius: (To Remus and Peter) He probably accidentally got some girl pregnant and had to marry her, the poor thing.

James: HEY! (Leaps up and pushes Sirius over and off the bed, and sounds can be heard of the two wrestling.)

Remus: (Continues as if this is completely normal) who would be delighted to have an excuse to give Harry detention for a month.

Peter: Sounds like something Snape would be delighted about.

Remus: Harry had therefore seized his chance in the first week of the holidays. While Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley had gone

Peter: To the annual RSNC meeting.

Sirius' head pops up over the bed, and he's panting slightly.

Sirius: Hey, that's my joke!

Remus: Are you two done fooling around then?

Sirius: (Suggestively) Why, would you like to join us, Moony?

Remus: Not particularly.

Sirius: Oh.

Sirius and James both climb up onto the bed.

Remus: into the front garden to admire

James: Themselves.

Sirius: The grass.

Peter: Er...the...sky?

James and Sirius both roll their eyes.

Remus: Uncle Vernon's new company car

Sirius: His what?

Remus: His caaaa-

Sirius: You know what I mean!

James: It's a thing that Muggles use to move around in.

Sirius: Move around where?

Remus: It's a form of transportation, actually.

James: S'what I said!

Remus: Anyway - (in very loud voices, so that the rest of the street would

Sirius: Realise how noisy and stupid these people were and ask them, kindly but firmly, to pack their bags and never darken the doorstep of number four, Privet Drive again.

Remus: notice it too), Harry had crept downstairs, picked the lock on the cupboard under the stairs

Sirius: He did what?

James: Padfoot, if you plan on interrupting every single time you hear something you don't understand, we'll never even get through the first chapter.

Sirius: (Sulks) Fine.

Remus: grabbed some of his books and hidden them in his bedroom. As long as he didn't leave spots of

Sirius: Blood.

Remus: ink on the sheets, the Dursleys need never know that he was studying magic by night.

James: And fighting crime by day.

Remus: Harry was keen to avoid trouble with his aunt and uncle at the moment, as they were already in a bad mood with him, all because he'd received a telephone call

Sirius: Okay, now surely you're not going to get irritated with me for asking what the hell that is.

James: Yeah, actually I don't know what that is either.

Remus: It's sort of like the way we use the fireplaces. Muggles use telephones to communicate with each other.

Peter: Wow, they cope well without magic, don't they?

Sirius: (Rolling his eyes) Yes, Petey.

Peter: Call me that one more time...

Remus: (Cutting in before anything can happen) from a fellow wizard one week into the school holidays.

Peter: So what's wrong with Harry getting a (pronouncing it slowly) te-le-phone call from a friend?

Sirius: They don't like the company he keeps.

Remus: Ron Weasley...hang on, Weasley...that sounds familiar.

James: Hey, you're right. Isn't there a Bill Weasley at Hogwarts?

Sirius: Oh yeah, there is! He's a First Year or something.

Peter: Maybe Ron Weasley is related to him.

Sirius: (Sarcastically) What, do you think?

Peter: It's possible if this book's from the future, yeah?

James and Sirius sigh exasperatedly.

Remus: Anyhow - who was one of Harry's best friends at Hogwarts, came from a whole family of wizards.

Sirius: As opposed to a whole family of cats.

Remus: This meant that he knew a lot of things Harry didn't

James: Like how to count to ten and hold his breath under water.

Remus: but had never used a telephone before. Most unluckily, it had been Uncle Vernon who had answered the call.

Sirius: Of nature.

Remus: 'Vernon Dursley speaking.'

Harry, who happened to be in the room at the time, froze as he heard Ron's voice

Sirius: Because it had been so long since he had last heard the voice of his lover.

Remus: answer.

'HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?

James: NO, BECAUSE I AM NOW DEAF DUE TO YOUR UNNECESSARY YELLING.

Remus: I - WANT - TO -

Sirius: USE - THE - BATHROOM.

Remus: TALK - TO - HARRY - POTTER!'

Peter: Everything's about him, lately.

James: Well, seeing as the book has his name on the front cover and all...

Peter: Well, okay, but...that doesn't explain, um.

Sirius: It's okay Worms, don't hurt yourself while trying to produce a thought that sounds halfway sane.

Peter: Remus! They're being mean to me again!

Remus: Oi, stop picking on him!

Sirius: Forgive us Master Moony, Protector of the Underdog.

Remus: (Ignores Sirius) Ron was yelling so loudly that Uncle Vernon jumped

James: Onto the table and broke into song.

Remus: and held the receiver a foot away from his ear, staring at it with an expression of mingled fury and alarm.

'WHO IS THIS?' he roared

Sirius: Like a lion might.

Peter: Maybe he's in Gryffindor.

Remus: Except he's a Muggle.

Peter: Whatever.

Remus: in the direction of

James: France.

Remus: the mouthpiece. (Explaining before anyone can ask) It's the part of the telephone that Muggles speak into.

Sirius: Right.

Remus: 'WHO ARE YOU?'

'RON - WEASLEY!' Ron bellowed back, as though he and Uncle Vernon were speaking from opposite ends of

James: France.

Remus: a football pitch. It's a game, sort of like Quidditch, except without the brooms, and there's only one ball.

James: Sounds horribly dull.

Remus: 'I'M

Sirius: LOSING - MY - VOICE - FROM - ALL - THIS - YELLING.

Remus: A - FRIEND - OF - HARRY'S - FROM

James: France!

Sirius: That is getting rather old very fast.

Remus: SCHOOL -'

Uncle Vernon's small eyes swivelled around

Sirius: In his head.

James: He and Mad-Eye Moody should get to know each other.

Remus: to Harry, who was rooted to the spot.

James: As he had been transfigured into a tree.

Remus: 'THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE!'

Sirius: HE DOESN'T EXIST.

James: EVERYTHING YOU'VE HEARD IS LIES. ALL LIES.

Remus: he roared

Peter: He does that a lot.

Remus: now holding the receiver at arm's length, at though frightened it might explode.

James: From all the yelling, maybe?

Remus: 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Sirius: MAYBE BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU WHAT THE NAME OF THE SCHOOL IS YET.

Remus: NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!'

And he threw the receiver back onto the telephone as if dropping a poisonous spider.

James: A poisonous exploding spider at that.

Remus: The row that followed had been one of the worst ever.

'HOW DARE YOU - (Coughs and clears his throat.) Okay, I'm losing my voice now. Anyone else want to take over?

James: I will! (Grabs the book from Remus.) GIVE THIS NUMBER TO PEOPLE LIKE - PEOPLE LIKE YOU!'

Remus: Well, who else does he expect Harry to give the number to?

James: Uncle Vernon had roared

Sirius: More roaring! I wonder if there was a time where he didn't roar.

Remus: There was this one rainy day in March, about ten years ago...

James: spraying Harry with spit.

Remus/Peter: Ugh!

Sirius: Harry didn't have to take a shower that night.

Remus: That is positively disgusting.

Sirius: (Taking a bow) Thank you, thank you.

James: Ron obviously realised that

Remus: yelling about magic at the top of his voice wasn't the best way to get Uncle Vernon's attention.

James: he'd got Harry into trouble, because he hadn't called again.

Sirius: The bastard.

James: Harry's other best friend from Hogwarts, Hermione Granger - do we know any Grangers?

Peter: Name doesn't ring a bell.

Remus: Maybe she's Muggle-Born.

James: hadn't been in touch either.

Sirius: The bitch.

James: Harry suspected

Sirius: Foul play.

James: that Ron had warned Hermione not to call, which was a pity

Peter: Because he had sincerely wanted to hear Uncle Vernon engaged in another yelling competition.

Sirius: Yes, that sort of thing builds character.

James: because Hermione, the cleverest witch in Harry's year, had Muggle parents

Sirius: (Dryly) Well Moony, you were correct, how surprising.

James: knew perfectly well how to use a telephone, and would probably have had enough sense not to say that she went to Hogwarts.

Peter: So what was the point of telling us that she was the cleverest witch in Harry's year?

Sirius: No point. Just like this book.

Remus: Oh come off it, you're not even the slightest bit interested in it?

Sirius: Why would I be? It's inane and stupid.

James: But it's from the future! Don't you think that's even remotely exciting?

Sirius: (Grudgingly) Maybe. So much of it is irrelevant though, I wish they'd get to the sex and violence quicker.

James, Remus, and Peter all roll their eyes.

James: So Harry had had no word from any of his wizarding friends for five long weeks, and this summer was turning out to be almost as bad as the last one.

Sirius: Poor guy. I know how he feels.

Remus: Er, you do?

Sirius: Well yeah, seeing the idiots that my parents are and all. They've never locked me into a cupboard, though truthfully I wouldn't put it past them.

Remus: So you had to do your homework in secret, at night, under the bedcovers?

Sirius: Details.

James: There was just one, very small improvement: after swearing that he wouldn't use her

Sirius: For anything other than sex.

James: to send letters to any of his friends

Remus: They were talking about his owl.

Sirius: So what?

Peter: Owlsex. That's disturbing.

James: Harry had been allowed to let his owl

Sirius: Die.

Remus: Must you be so morbid?

Sirius: I'm making up for the dullness of this book.

James: Hedwig, out at night. Uncle Vernon had given in

Peter: Because he loved the damn bird much too much!

James: because of all the racket Hedwig made if she was

Sirius: Sat on.

James: locked in her cage all the time.

Harry finished writing about Wendelin the Weird

Sirius: Well it's about time! We're nearly done with reading through the entire book, and he's still writing that stupid essay.

James: Actually we're only on the fourth page of the first chapter.

Sirius: Close enough.

James: and paused to listen

Peter: To the beautiful sounds of the night, the crickets chirping, the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees, the sounds of insects chattering in the bushes...

Sirius: Wow Petey, I didn't know you were such a poet.

Remus: He was a poet and you didn't know it! (Laughs very loudly at his own joke, and then stops when he realises he's the only one.)

James: again. The silence in the dark house was broken only

Sirius: When someone broke it.

James: by distant, grunting

Remus: The pigs. He lives on a farm.

James: snores of his enormous cousin, Dudley.

Sirius: Same thing, by the sound of it.

James: It must be very late. Harry's eyes were itching

Sirius: So he scratched them out, and blood started-

Remus: Okay, that's enough! No more blood, violence, or sex.

Sirius: (Sulks) Fine. Don't blame me if I die of boredom, though.

Remus: I won't.

James: with tiredness. Perhaps he'd finish this essay tomorrow night...

Sirius: What?! But they said he'd already finished it! You mean we're going to have to read more History of Magic related stories? That's just fantastic.

Remus: I wouldn't mind.

Sirius: I won't comment on that.

Remus: I'd thank you for that.

James: He replaced

Sirius: His head back on the bedside table.

Remus: Sirius!

Sirius: What? There was no blood, sex, or violence in what I just said!

Remus: Fine...but I'm watching you.

Sirius: I'm terrified.

James: the top of the ink bottle, pulled an old pillowcase from under his bed, put the torch, A History of Magic

Sirius shudders at mention of the book.

James: his essay

Sirius: Which was clearly going to take till the end of time to finish.

James: quill and ink inside it

Remus: Well that's rather silly; he's going to end up with big ink splotches on his essay.

Sirius: Great, then he'll have to start all over again, and they'll find our rotting corpses here, James' still clinging onto that damn book.

Peter: Stop whining, it's getting old.

Remus: I never thought I'd hear Peter saying that to Sirius.

Sirius: (Sulks.)

James: got out of bed and hid the lot under a loose floorboard under his bed. Then he stood up

Remus: Did a little Irish jig.

James: stretched, and checked the time on the luminous clock on his bedside table.

Sirius: Hurry up and tell us what he did next, I'm going to die of suspense.

Remus waves his wand at Sirius as to bind his mouth shut.

James: Hey, no words. I'm impressed.

Remus: (Modestly) Oh, it was nothing.

Sirius is enraged, and conveys this by waving his arms about in the air.

Remus: This is until you promise to stop whining, being morbid, and being sarcastic.

Sirius' shoulders droop and he resigns himself to what Remus says.

James: It was one o'clock in the morning

Peter: Time to go to the pub.

Sirius nods in agreement.

James: Harry's stomach gave a funny jolt.

Remus: He's been electrified!

Others look at Remus.

Remus: Forget it, much too hard to explain.

Sirius looks like he's dying to say something about Remus finally not being able to explain something.

James: He had been thirteen years old, without realising it, for a whole hour.

Peter: What, he didn't get a birthday party?

James: He's living with people who lock him into cupboards. Why would they throw him a birthday party?

Peter: Good point.

James: Yet another unusual thing about Harry was how little he looked forward to his birthdays.

Remus: They were just another reminder of the things he couldn't do anymore because he was too old, like sleep all day and spit his food out at adults.

James: He had never received a birthday card in his life.

Peter: What, his selfish friends too busy enjoying their row-free holidays to send him a card?

James: Maybe they thought his uncle would start yelling and roaring again.

Peter: True.

James: The Dursleys had completely ignored

Remus: The fact that they were stupid gits for over fifteen years. But now they had finally realised it, and did a favour to the world by leaving it.

James: his last two birthdays

Remus: So they didn't ignore the ones before?

Peter: Maybe the way they took notice of his birthdays before was by setting him on fire or something.

Remus: Well, then he should be quite relieved that they're ignoring them now.

James: and he had no reason to suppose they would remember this one.

Harry walked across the dark room, past Hedwig's large, empty cage, to the open window. He leant on the sill, the cool night air

Remus: Cooling his fevered brow.

Peter: Why fevered?

Remus: Age does that to you.

James: pleasant on his face after a long time under the blankets. So does this mean his face was under the blankets or the air?

Remus: Well, logically, I'd have to say the air.

James: Hedwig had been absent for two nights in a row. She's going to be in trouble when she comes back, then. I say detention with Filch every Saturday for two months.

Remus: Still bitter about that?

James: Rather. I had to miss Quidditch practice! Simply because I transfigured Rita Skeeter's quill into a big, hairy spider. Who likes that spotty gossip anyway?

Remus: Point.

James: Harry wasn't worried about her

Peter: He was only pretending to like her till he got a better owl.

James: Hey, don't say that about my son!

Remus: What's that now? Who's son?

James: Er, I mean...(hurriedly) to continue with the book - she'd been gone this long before - but he hoped she'd be back soon. She was the only living creature

Peter: Left in the world.

Remus: What happened to all the others?

Peter: They, er...died.

Remus: Oi, don't you go start being all morbid with the blood, sex, and violence now.

Peter: I can't help it! Sirius is a horrible influence.

Sirius looks smug.

James: in this house who didn't flinch at the sight of him.

Peter: She did flinch at that awful smell that seemed to follow him everywhere.

James looks like he's about to say something, but then seems to think better of it.

Remus: So Sirius, think you've learnt your lesson?

Sirius nods sadly, and looks pitiful. Remus looks at him for a moment, then waves his wand at Sirius, and his mouth falls open.

Sirius: Gaahhhh ddeeeaaa...

Remus: Yeah, it'll take awhile for your jaws to get used to holding themselves up now. You won't be able to talk for another five minutes or so.

Sirius: (Sulks and looks cheated.)

James: Harry, though still rather small and skinny for his age

Peter: Yes, definitely sounds like he's your son, James.

James: Who're you to talk, shortie?

Peter: (Looks hurt.)

James: had grown a few inches over the last year. His jet-black hair, however, was just as it always had been; stubbornly untidy, whatever he did to it. I know how he feels.

Remus: You know, so far he really does sound like something your son may look like.

James: Yes, well. It could still just be a coincidence.

Remus: I suppose. (Looks unconvinced.)

James: The eyes behind his glasses were bright green

Peter: You wear glasses!

James: (Rolling his eyes) So do plenty of other people. Dumbledore wears glasses. Maybe Harry is his son.

Remus: Except his name isn't Harry Dumbledore.

Sirius: Lily Evans' eyes are bright green, aren't they? HEY, I CAN TALK AGAIN!

Remus: You know, now that you point it out, they are green. Interesting.

James: Yes, whatever, moving on - and on his forehead, clearly visible through his hair, was a thin scar, shaped like a bolt of lightning. Well, I certainly don't have that.

Remus: Hmm.

James: Of all the unusual things about Harry, this scar was the most extraordinary of all. It was not, as the Dursleys had pretended for ten years

Sirius: A chicken.

James: a souvenir of the car crash that had killed Harry's parents, because...OH MY GOD!

All the others jump.

Sirius: What, what happened?

Remus looks smug at the fact that Sirius is truly interested in the book now.

James: It's...I can't believe it...it's unbelievable, is what it is!

Remus: (Concerned) James, what is it?

Peter: Yeah, what about Harry's parents?

James: I...I...

Sirius: Oh, give it here. (Grabs the book from James, and continues where he left off) Lily and James Potter...(trails off) OH!

Stunned silence.

Remus: It's too much of a coincidence to say that it's another James and Lily Potter, isn't it? James, now you know that Lily'll marry you!

Sirius: The poor girl.

Peter: I can already hear the wedding bells ringing.

Remus: And Harry is your son! I mean, all the while we were saying he might be, but I never really thought it would be so. I suppose it still doesn't really prove it, but it's too much of a coincidence now, I think.

Sirius: Dear boy seems to have gone into a state of shock. Must be the realisation that he's going have to stop being the irresponsible bugger that he is and settle down, wife and kids and everything.

Remus: Well come on then, let's see what happens next. (Takes the book from Sirius, and opens it to the right page, beginning to read) because Lily and James Potter...(pales as he trails off, having read ahead. He looks up at James, a scared look in his eyes.) Oh...James...I can't believe we didn't realise it before...it should have been so obvious...

Peter: What? Realise what?

Sirius looks confused for a moment, but then suddenly it dawns on him.

Sirius: (Softly) Oh shit.

Peter: Okay, someone had better tell me what is going on right now!

Remus: (Looks back at the book, and reads the rest of the sentence very slowly) because Lily and James Potter had not died in a car crash. (Peter's eyes widen, and continue to do so as Remus reads on. Sirius is shaking his head in complete disbelief and denial, and James looks slightly puzzled. Remus continues, growing softer with each word.) They had been murdered, murdered by the most feared Dark wizard for a hundred years, (he takes a breath and is practically whispering) Lord Voldemort.