Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - MSTed

Chapter Four

Green Naked Hair

The boys are back in James' bedroom, all seated on the floor, amidst assorted plates of snacks, sweet wrappers and the like. Peter is examining the cover of the book.

Peter: Did you guys have any idea that this book was...or, uh, will be the winner of the 1999 Whitbread Children's Book of the Year award?

All three look up at him.

Sirius: Er, so?

Peter: Nothing, just thought it was interesting.

Remus: Is this your cryptic way of saying that you want to be the next to read the book because you haven't had a go yet?

Peter: ...possibly.

All three roll their eyes.

Sirius: Well go on then, don't let us keep you from what must truly be your calling.

Peter: (Makes a face at Sirius, and opens the book to the second chapter) Okay, Chapter Two, Aunt Marge's Big Mistake

Sirius: Sounds like the title from an article in Witch Weekly. She must have forgotten to use a good contraceptive charm.

Peter: Harry went down to breakfast the next morning to find the three Dursleys already

James: Dead.

Sirius: Yay!

Peter: sitting around the kitchen table. They were

James: Sitting around the kitchen table. Also, it was the kitchen table they were sitting around.

Sirius: That's not funny.

James: Oi.

Peter: watching a brand-new tel...um, teleyviceon, if I'm saying it correctly?

Remus: I think you're trying to say 'television'.

James: Which is what, exactly?

Remus: Um, well you know how we'd play those 'pretend games' when we were children? A television is basically the way Muggles watch other Muggles play pretend games.

Sirius: So Muggles are essentially children that never grew up.

Remus: A world filled with Peter Pans.

Blank stares.

Remus: Never mind.

Peter: a welcome-home-for-the summer present for Dudley, who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the...something I don't know how to say, um, fri-duh-gy...um, fri-duh-jee? Fri-duh-gay!

Remus: What? I have no idea what a friduhgay is.

Sirius: Well good, at least we can skip the loquacious explanation then.

Remus: Pardon me, but I am the most taciturn person you'll ever encounter.

James: Why are we using thirty-four galleon words all of a sudden?

Peter: Yeah, please don't. I like it when I understand what you're saying.

Sirius: Oh, very sorry, Petey, if we hurt your brain.

Peter: (Makes a 'hmph' noise, and continues) and the television in the living room. Dudley had spent most of the summer

Sirius: As his father's sex slave.

Peter: in the kitchen

James: Around the kitchen table.

Remus: What, all by himself?

Sirius: By the sound of it, he could sit around the table by himself.

Peter: his piggy little eyes

Remus: Which were the envy of every boy his age.

Peter: fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he

Sirius: Counted them.

Peter: ate continually.

Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon

James: And then immediately realised what a bad idea this had been, as he found that he could no longer breathe.

Peter: a large beefy man

Sirius: Well, when you have beef for a father, what else can you expect but to end up with pig eyes?

Peter: with very little neck and a lot of moustache. Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys

Sirius: Even seemed to be laying the red carpet out for him, as he entered and gave them permission to live¹.

Peter: gave any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room, but Harry was far too used to this to care.

James: Who, exactly, left Harry with these people? I'd like to have a word or two with this person.

Remus: Maybe there were reasons.

James doesn't say anything.

Peter: Harry helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up

Sirius: He looked up! Who'd have thought he was going to look up? I mean, honestly, how thrilling can this thing get? Let's go play Quidditch or something.

Remus: Go have a run about the garden for a bit.

Sirius: You mean you three are actually interested in this thing?

Silence.

Sirius: Clearly I am the only cool one left.

Sirius shakes his head in mock self-pity before transforming into a dog and bounding off.

James: Thank god, maybe we can actually get through more than two lines at a time now.

Peter: at the newsreader on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict. (Pause) Oh. Dear.

James and Remus both sit up slightly.

Remus: What now?

Peter looks up at the both of them biting his bottom lip.

Peter: Maybe Sirius had the right idea, why don't we just go play Quidditch or something?

James: Oh, you can't do that! What? Tell us what it is!

Peter looks resigned.

Peter: '... the public is warned that Black (Looks up meaningfully) is armed and extremely dangerous. A special hotline has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately.'

Both James and Remus are stunned, mouths hanging open slightly.

Peter: Looks like we've got a great future to look forward to.

Remus: What could he have possibly done?

James: Look, there's got to be some explanation, right? I mean, maybe it's a mistake. That's very likely, we don't even know if this book was really written later on in time or anything.

Peter: It says that it was...is...uh, will be published in 1999.

James: That doesn't mean anything! Okay? It could just be some mistake, somewhere there's been a mistake, because all of this...I mean, it's just absurd. We're sitting here and reading about how Lily and I will be dead leaving behind a son to live with these stupid people, and Sirius is out there running around the garden like an idiot while we are discussing the fact that he's going to be an armed and dangerous convict?

Remus: (Quietly) Should we stop?

James takes a breath, and closes his eyes, trying to calm down. Silence.

Peter: (A little timidly) You know what I think?

James and Remus both look at him.

Peter: I think that just because it says all of this...this stuff here doesn't mean that it will happen. In fact, it's actually a good idea that we're reading it, in my opinion, because we can make sure it doesn't happen. That's what Dumbledore said about prophecies as well, didn't he? Maybe, maybe this wasn't even an accident and someone's trying to send us a message. We don't know this is real, right? And there's no way to find out, but if we read this book and if it just happens to be real, then we can make sure it doesn't happen. That's, um, that's what I think anyway.

James and Remus look at each other. Peter looks slightly embarrassed at his long speech.

James: (Grinning) Wormtail, you sometimes surprise us all.

Remus: Honestly Peter, I never even thought of it that way.

Peter: (Going a little red) Well, I mean, it's just what I thought and I didn't really know, but yeah. It's what I thought. Um. So I'll just continue then.

Sirius runs back in panting, and flops down on the bed.

Sirius: So, what did I miss?

James: We've just been reading about how you're an escaped convict.

Sirius stares at him.

Sirius: You have got to be joking. That's...that's hilarious! And also kind of cool, don't you think? I completely suit the sexy, armed and dangerous thing.

Remus: I tend to think of convicts more as insane, armed and dangerous. You probably haven't found a place to shower properly, or sleep, or eat, or drink, oh, and it's probably been ages since you've had any se-

Sirius: Fine! But admit it, you still find it undeniably cool.

All three roll their eyes.

James: Only you, Sirius.

Peter: Anyway, going on now. 'No need to tell us he's no good,' snorted Uncle Vernon

Sirius: This honestly is a family of pigs or horses or something.

Peter: staring over the top of his

Sirius: Arse.

Peter: newspaper at the prisoner. 'Look at the state of him, the filthy layabout! Look at his hair!'

James: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) It's so out-of-fashion. The stringy and unwashed style went out last year.

Sirius: Oi! People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, you know.

James: My hair is neither stringy nor unwashed! Lily says it is sexily untidy.

Sirius: Yeah, but we're not sleeping with you, so we don't have to say that, now do we?

James sulks.

Peter: He shot a nasty look sideways

James: Ooh, he's talented. Sideways and everything.

Peter: at Harry, whose untidy hair

Sirius: Sexily untidy, according to James.

Peter: had always been a source of

Remus: Radiation.

James: My son does not have radioactive hair!

Sirius: What is radioactive hair?

James: Last summer Lily showed me this film with a green man who got awfully angry and then ripped off all his clothes.

Sirius: So your son has green naked hair?

James shakes his head and Remus looks like he's about to burst into laughter.

Peter: great annoyance to Uncle Vernon.

James: If you ask me he should turn his attention to his son who seems to be bigger than the house.

Peter: Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face was surrounded by a matted, elbow-length tangle, Harry felt very well groomed indeed. You know that's you, don't you Sirius?

Sirius: Harry's me?

Peter: (Sighs) No, you prat. That would make James your father.

Remus: I think he should be more concerned about the fact that it would make Lily his mother.

Sirius looks a little frightened at the prospect.

Peter: The newsreader had reappeared.

James: Out of thin air! It's like magic!

Sirius: Have you ever actually seen fat air?

Peter: 'The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today-'

'Hang on!' barked Uncle Vernon

Sirius: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) I missed The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries' announcement yesterday! I'm going to be spoiled!

James: He barks, roars and snorts. I wonder if this is a theme.

Peter: staring furiously at the newsreader.

James: The magical newsreader.

Peter: 'You didn't tell us where that maniac's escaped from! What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!'

Sirius: (Pretending to be the newsreader) You mean you wouldn't rather like to hear what The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries has to say?

Peter: Aunt Petunia, who was bony and horse-faced, whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window.

Remus: Sounds like a lovely lady.

James: Horse-faced. Harry's honestly living on a farm.

Peter: Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be

Sirius: A man.

James: Her deep, secret desire.

Peter: the one to call the hotline number.

Remus: She must really be very bored.

Peter: She was the nosiest woman in the world

Sirius: Aha, but have you actually met everyone in the world?

Peter: and spent most of her life

Remus: Calling hotlines.

Peter: spying on her boring, law-abiding neighbours.

James: Christ, I'm yawning just thinking about her. No wonder Lily gets that look on her face whenever she even mentions her name.

Peter: 'When will they learn,'

Sirius: Hey, that's what McGonagall keeps saying about us! Coincidence? I think not.

Others roll their eyes.

Peter: said Uncle Vernon, pounding

Sirius: into Aunt Petunia.

Others groan loudly.

Peter: the table with his large purple fist.

Remus: Purple?

Sirius: It's very fashionable to be purple these days, I hear.

Peter: 'that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?'

'Very true,' said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into the next door's runner beans.

Sirius: Yeah, because that's where intelligent convicts such as myself would be hiding.

Peter: Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his watch and added, 'I'd better be off in a minute

James: Oh, thank god he's leaving.

Remus: But you know this isn't going to be the last we see of him.

James: Why isn't it?!

Remus: Because...he's everywhere! (Falls behind the bed laughing)

Sirius: You know, he says that we're insane, but I think we're just a cover for the truly terrifying nature of his own insanity.

Peter: Petunia, Marge's train gets in at ten.'

Sirius: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) I'm having an affair with her. You don't mind, I hope, dear?

Peter: Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs

James: (While Remus pushes himself back up and climbs onto the bed) They're taking a long time to get dressed today.

Peter: with the Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to earth with an unpleasant bump.

Remus: Oh, that's too bad. He was hoping to be brought back with a pleasant bump.

Peter: 'Aunt Marge?' he blurted out.

Sirius: (Pretending to be Harry) You mean to say she's been cheating on me?! The little harlot!

James: Sirius? Sirius?! Aunt Marge!

Remus: He's a rather sick-minded fellow, you should know by now, James.

James: It's not surprising you landed up in prison.

Sirius: (Looking smug) I managed to escape, though.

Peter: 'Sh-she's not coming here, is she?'

Sirius: Oh, no, young Harry, she can come wherever you want.

All groan, James drops his head into his hands.

Peter: Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister.

Remus: Sounds like even the book is reprimanding you, Sirius. You're insinuating the existence of a love triangle between Harry, his uncle, and his uncle's sister.

Sirius: I never insinuated anything about Harry having a relationship with his uncle!

James: (Darkly) Yet.

Peter: Even though she was not a blood relative

James: She was pretty bloody in any case.

Peter: of Harry's (whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister)

James: Aha! I was right! I'm clearly the smartest of us all.

Sirius: Remus is smarter.

James looks defeated.

Peter: he had been forced to call her 'Aunt' all his life.

Remus: Yes, and amongst being locked in a cupboard all his life and pushed around by the only living relatives he had left, that really sounds like the worst part.

Peter: Aunt Marge lived in

Sirius: A brothel.

Peter: the country, in a house with a large garden, where she bred bulldogs.

James: She breeds bulldogs? Um...why?

Sirius: (Suggestively) Why do you think, James?

Remus: Sirius, that's positively...

Sirius: Well, I am a very positive person.

Peter: She didn't often stay in Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs, but each of her visits sound out vividly in Harry's mind.

Sirius: Well obviously they did, because when a young boy loses his vir-

James: Make him stop!

Sirius stops.

Peter: At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Marge had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him beating Dudley at musical statues.

Remus: Still going to continue with the lewd Aunt Marge comments after that?

Sirius: No, I'm finished.

James looks like he's about to cry with happiness.

Peter: A few years later, she had turned

Sirius: Harry into a newt.

Remus: A newt?

Sirius: ...he got better².

Peter: up Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley...

All look at Remus. He sighs.

Remus: I told you all that Muggle Studies would come in handy.

James: Oh, go on; tell us what a robot is. You know you truly enjoy being the know-it-all of the group.

Remus: It's essentially a humanoid...that is, a human-like electronic machine that can walk about and sometimes talk on command. I'm guessing this robot must have a remote control or the like for Dudley to use with it.

Peter: Remote control...?

Sirius: Electronic...?

Remus: Never mind. It's a toy.

Peter: and a box of dog biscuits for Harry.

James: Yeah, okay, this is a bit much. Where exactly are you lot?

Sirius: I'm running from the law!

Remus: We're probably tied up in something or the other as well.

James: (Scowling) Right. (Crosses his arms).

Peter: On her last visit, the year before Harry had started at Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally

James: Set Aunt Marge on fire.

Remus: James is warming up to Peter's attraction to fire. (He turns to Sirius and nudges him, grinning and starting to say something).

Sirius: (Cutting him off) Yes, he's warming up, fire, very witty.

Remus giggles to himself.

Peter: trodden on the paw of her favourite dog.

Sirius: (Pretending to be another dog) He's not that great, I could fetch the mail as well. I just...don't feel like it. No one appreciates a dog who thinks for himself these days.

Peter: Ripper had chased Harry

James: Up the wrong tree.

Peter: out into the garden and up a tree

James: Aha! I was right again.

Remus: But it was probably the right tree seeing as it likely saved Harry and all.

James: Be quiet, I am savouring.

Peter: and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until

Sirius: She was done exfoliating.

Peter: past midnight. The memory of this incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes.

James: Dudley's piggy eyes, that is.

Sirius: Cheer up Prongs; at least I'm still alive.

James: How does that help Harry?

Sirius: ...well, it doesn't. But hey, I'm still alive!

James rolls his eyes.

Peter: 'Marge'll be here for a week,' Uncle Vernon snarled

Remus: Is this man seriously incapable of just saying things?

Peter: 'and while we're on the subject'

Sirius: It looks like we're all going to be here for a week as well.

Peter: he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry

James: (Gasps) Oh, not the fat finger. I'm shaking with fear.

Peter: 'we need to a few things straight before I go and collect her.'

Remus: She's in a deposit box somewhere. The pound wasn't too clear.

Peter: Dudley smirked and withdrew his gaze from the

James: Bank?

Remus: Yeah, it's a really expensive gaze. He bought it from the queen.

Peter: television. Have we all noticed how good I've gotten at reading these Muggle words?

Sirius: Not really.

Peter: Well. I think I've gotten really good at reading these Muggle words.

James: How thrilling.

Peter: It is! Thank you, James.

Sirius and James look at each other.

Peter: Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favourite form of entertainment.

Sirius: Oh, yeah, I can see how watching someone being yelled at would be very exciting. Especially if it happened every other second of the day.

Remus: Maybe it's a schadenfreude thing. Actually, forget I said that, because I'm not explaining it.

James: Forgotten.

Peter: 'Firstly,' growled Uncle Vernon

James: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) Could you please teach me how to talk like a normal human being?

Peter: 'you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge.'

Sirius: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) But otherwise you'll be allowed to take your tongue out of your head and let it have a bit of an uncivilised run around the garden. I'm not completely evil, after all.

Peter: 'All right,' said Harry bitterly, 'if she does when she's talking to me.'

Remus: See James? He can stand up for himself, he'll be fine.

James: (Doesn't look convinced) I suppose.

Peter: 'Secondly,' said Uncle Vernon

James: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) Did you take my make-up? Uh, I mean, go to your room, boy!

Peter: acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply, 'as Marge doesn't know

Remus: How to tie her shoelaces.

Peter: anything about your abnormality

Sirius: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) You know what I'm talking about. That extra head growing out of your back! Yeah, that abnormality. It's downright abnormal! What's wrong with you, boy?

James: I think Aunt Marge would have noticed a second head, Sirius.

Peter: I don't want any - any funny stuff while she's here.

Remus: Yes, no funny stuff. The doctors say she'll die if she laughs.

Peter: You behave yourself, got me?'

Sirius: (Pretending to be Uncle Vernon) If you're really good, you might get two boxes of dog biscuits this year!

Peter: 'I will if she does,' said Harry through gritted teeth.

Sirius: It takes talent to speak through gritted teeth, I hear.

Peter: 'And thirdly,' Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face

James: Purple fist, purple face, silts for eyes. And this man is calling Harry abnormal.

Peter: 'we've told Marge you attend St Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys.'

Sirius: Sounds like a place that's bursting at the seams with joy and happiness.

Remus: What a ridiculous name. Like a school would actually name itself that.

Peter: 'What?' Harry yelled. Actually, I'd have thought that'd be a pretty useful thing for Aunt Marge to believe. I mean, maybe she'd be afraid that he'd cut up her dogs and feed them to the bushes or something.

Sirius: That is disgusting.

James: Petey, you managed to disgust Sirius! A star for you!

Peter: 'And you'll be sticking to that story, boy

Remus: Why does he constantly feel the need to assert the fact that Harry is male?

Sirius: Maybe Harry's secretly a cross-dresser.

James: Um, what?!

Peter: I think that's actually a compliment, James, coming from Sirius.

James and Remus laugh while Sirius rolls his eyes.

Peter: or there'll be trouble,' spat Uncle Vernon.

Remus: I've always wanted to know how to spit words.

Peter: (Spitting) Like this.

Remus: Thanks, but I didn't really need a demonstration.

Peter: I didn't mind.

Sirius: (Snatching the book from Peter) Come on, let's get on with it, I want to find out what...happens...to...(trails off as he realises all the others are grinning at him). I mean, I just want to get it over with. It's long and boring. Like I said. And I want to get back to my...uh...

James: (Slyly) Playwizard?

Sirius: Yes, exactly. (Clears his throat and ignores the others' snickers) Harry sat there, white-faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it.

Peter: Yeah, after all the whining and griping Sirius has done, it is pretty hard to believe.

Sirius: (Ignores Peter) Aunt Marge coming for a week-end long visit - it was the worst birthday present the Dursleys had ever given him

Remus: Strictly speaking they aren't really giving it to him.

James: (Yelling) That doesn't really make it very much better, Remus!

Peter: (Timidly) Uh, James?

James: What?!

Peter: ...never mind.

Sirius: including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.

'Well, Petunia,' said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, 'I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?'

James: Dudders? Seriously?

Peter: They are trying to achieve stupidest name status. Only the best can get there, you know.

Sirius: 'No,' said Dudley, whose attention had

Peter: Retired to a nearby inn for the night.

Sirius: returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished

James: Painting his feet purple.

Sirius: threatening Harry.

'Duddy's

Peter: God, That's even worse than Dudders.

Sirius: I'd advise Harry to run as far away as possible.

Remus: Maybe he'd catch up with you somewhere.

Sirius: Hey yeah!

James: Maybe he should just stay after all.

Sirius: (Throwing James a dirty look) 'Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie,' said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's thick blonde hair. Hey, maybe he's the one having an affair with Aunt Marge.

Remus: And his mother is encouraging it?

James: Would explain the horse, pig and beef looks.

Peter: And the mental capabilities.

Sirius: 'Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow-tie.'

Remus: Something I'm sure every young boy is dying to own.

Sirius: Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder.

Peter: Oh, porky, because he's fat, get it? Get it?! Christ. How many more of these overweight jibes are we going to have to bear?

James: Calm down. Don't be so sensitive.

Peter: I'm not fat! I'm...pleasantly plump.

Sirius: 'See you in a bit, then,' he said, and left the kitchen. Well, at least my level of interest in this thing has come back down to normal.

James: That's just because you have the attention span of an ant.

Remus: Actually, I think ants would have to have fairly-

Peter: I need to use the toilet.

Sirius: Oh, Petey, I never thought I'd say this, but you saved us from dying of boredom!

Remus: You're highly amusing.

James: Honestly, Moony, ants?

Remus just sighs exasperatedly.

Peter: I actually do need to use the toilet...don't start without me!

Peter hops up and runs out the door.

Sirius: Well, at least now we can make fun about him behind his back while we wait.

Peter: (Yelling from down the corridor) You're a very loud person, Sirius!

All laugh.