Tome of Padfoot, the Eternally Bored

November 1

Harry is very angry. That horrible Dolores woman (I've met her. I thought she'd swallow me whole.) caught him at it with Malfoy and promptly gave them both detention. Harry's fate was to write 'I must not tell lies' on the back of his hand in his own blood for a week. Apparently only because he told her he wasn't actually doing unspeakable things to Draco in the hallway, but doing unmentionable things to Draco in the hallway.

Draco hasn't said anything to him about what HE was forced to do, but I have the sneaking suspicion she made him write 'I will only sleep with Lucius'.

I know her sick little toad mind. She's one of those slashers.

November 2

I suspect Kreacher is selling our secrets to the enemy. He came sauntering in the front door this morning swinging a little purse with the Dark Mark emblazoned on the side of it. Of course, he could have just been dressing up in my mother's things.

Dumbledore sent his reply to my last letter. It was a box of mint drops.

Can't a man even get murdered these days!?

November 3

My clothes have taken to strangling me whenever I put them on. Am now forced to go around the house naked.

For some reason, whenever I go down the stairs to the main hallway, mother's portrait starts screaming about sodomy. Really. Just because Remus lurks around the banister drooling on it.

Werewolf drool is very corrosive. The stairs are beginning to look very charred.

November 5

That miserable git! Damnable, poncy, usless git! He must be totally barmy to boot.

I was having a perfectly nice time chasing Kreacher around with a monstrous knife, and that idiot saved him! Very nearly cut the bastard's head off, but not quite.

Snape, how I loathe you.

November 6

Lucius dropped by again. Details aren't necessary. You don't need to know.

November 7

Harry's screaming about being kicked out of Quiddich. Again. Seriously (Sirius-ly? Ha! I'm so brilliant.) beginning to scare me. All these thinly veiled allusions to sex with Draco is rather sickening. I didn't know you could do that with a broomstick. But then, Lucius is still around, so maybe it is possible.

He seems to think Draco's picked up a rather fetching young man. I have to wonder if he even knows it's Harry Potter.

November 11

Molly found Lucius. And promptly locked him in a room with Arthur Weasley. She's a slasher. Just like that Umbridge toad-thing.

No wonder she scares me.

But honestly. Her own husband?

November 12

My precious side of Malfoy meat has left for the annual Dark Mark Tea Party. Really traumatized after his stint with Weasley, he is. Perhaps long ago, this very same thing happened and resulted in the two families' hatred for one another. Likely because the children of said men couldn't cope.

November 13

Bill sent a Howler to his father. Very shocked at his vocabulary. Am a bit envious, I must admit.

Apparently Arthur isn't allowed to sleep with poncy blond bints. Lucius is a bit poncy, fine. But Bill is the one dating that silly French twit.

November 14

I haven't seen Remus for quite a few days. This is a bit nervous-making.

November 15

HE'S BEEN SLEEPING WITH TRELAWNEY. And he brings her back here on weekends now. I think I'll cry. Severus was looking at me pityingly. WITH PITY.

I'm going to tear his nose off and feed it to Kreacher. Maybe the little hat stand will choke on it.

Yes, that's what I'll do.

November 20

I've come to the conclusion of my life. If it's got a Dark Mark, I'll sleep with it.

Though Snape isn't bad at all. Perhaps I'd better forget I ever picked on him, or he'll cut my assets off while I sleep. Or so he says.

November 21

Harry is now certain Draco is putting the moves on Ron Weasley. Something about singing about nobility while playing Quiddich.

Honestly. Teenage courtship these days.