Tome of Padfoot, the Eternally Bored

Sept. 30

I suppose Molly thinks she's funny. I certainly beg to differ, as I do not find being given a single, mutilated bone for dinner very amusing. She claims that it's just so difficult for her to tell whether I'm in Animagus form or not she can't decide how to accomodate my eating habits. Remus, at least, stood up for me. He gave her a rather nasty look that I can't quite explain. It gave me tingles.

Have vowed revenge on Kreacher for enchanting my bedclothes to strangle me in my sleep.

October 1

I'm so bored I can't even see straight. It may be the imbibed alchohol, but I'm certain it's my boredom.

October 2

I can't belive I'm listening to Molly. I've taken up knitting, but I'm convincing myself slowly that it is a violent new method of destroying Death Eaters. I have, so far, made a little black sac I will use for Kreacher's decaying corpse once I'm done with him. He was muttering imprecations I didn't like in the least, and told him so. He didn't seem very frightened, which just pisses me off.

EVERYTHING PISSES ME OFF.

Very nearly jumped on Severus earlier for suggesting I do nothing but sit on my duff. Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to snap his neck, because Arthur thought it would be impolite. Maybe I should just murder every Weasley I see and get them out of the gene pool. Then they can't stop me from doing idiotic things. And making hints that I was jumping Severus, not jumping on him.

I hate Molly.

October 4

Harry sent me a long, involved letter. I'm not certain what it really means, but it sounds like he's madly in love with Draco Malfoy and has blown up half the Forbidden Forest in a fanatical need to display his love.

Well, might as well encourage the boy. It's not like I haven't been trying to get into Lucius' pants for the last twenty years.

October 5

It was horribly crypic. My response, that is. Asked Tonks how to write 'I hate you, Malfoy' while knitting a square. Unfortunately, rather than a message of undying hatred, it's a message of marriage proposal. Enchanted it and sent it anyway. Hopefully Lucius doesn't fix it.

Hate Tonks, too.

October 7

Woke up this morning without having to fight off my own pillow for once. Kreacher, you will die a bloody death. No Avada Kedavra for you, scum.

Later:

Just went to bed when who should bang through my bedroom door but Malfoy himself! Tried to conceal my joy at the thought of being half naked while in his presence. However, the realization that he was wearing clothing tight enough to be illegal brought the joy metre up to the red zone again.

He barely opened his mouth before he flinched and fell face-first onto the floor. Behind him, Remus had his wand out and looked rather peevish.

Now have to accomodate an unconcious Malfoy and a werewolf. Remus muttered something about protecting me from the dangers of perverted men before crawling into my lap and making it impossible for me to shift position. I think he's purring or something.

It's very disconcerting. Does he have to stroke my chest like that?

October 8

Lucius very nearly blew up the entire house. Had to blackmail him with evidence of his stripper career. He thought no one knew about that! Ha! Even Voldemort doesn't know about that.

So now he's gone. Plus side: Managed to grab his ass. Downside: He knows where I live and happens to be evil.

October 9

Sounds like Harry took Draco on a wild ride with the Hogwarts Thestrals. Don't even want to think about it.

Remus keeps staring at me. Do I have something on my nose?

October 10

SO GODDAMNED BORED. If Dumbledore doesn't let me out of here, I swear.. I will do something evil.

October 11

Like scream and cry and lock myself in a little ribbon box.

October 12

My bleeding eyes.

October 13

Should I gouge them out?

October 14

Mad-Eye and Buckbeak.. Augh. Oh God. It hurts.

October 15

To make myself feel better, managed to bribe Remus to buy me leather trousers. They're awfully tight, but he seems pleased with them.

October 19

That time of the month again. He's got four legs and he's short, but he's really damned heavy. Immediately knocked me over and is lying on me, making that purring noise again. He doesn't mind me propping this book on his side, though. Kreacher is doing something weird to my boots.

WHY is he doing something weird to my boots? And why is Remus wiggling on me like that?

October 20

My furry friend bit the little ass! Lupin, I could kiss you.

Not that I would, or anything. Or want to.

No one is helping me! I can't feel my legs.

October 21

I wonder if house elves can be werewolves. I certainly hope not. I don't want to have to pay Snape anything more for that bloody potion. Unless he'll take another form of payment..

I think I'm completely paralyzed from the neck down. I'm never going to have grandchildren at this rate.

October 23

He's transforming! Thank Merlin.

Later:

He's still lying on me. He was doing something weird to my boots. He got them off. Now he's doing something weird to my feet.

Molly has been walking by with very nice-smelling platters of food. She feeds Remus - spoon feeds! - but not me. Is there some sort of conspiracy Dumbledore has put into action around here? If Sirius doesn't die of boredom, we'll just starve him to death, or let the house elf drive him CRACKERS!?

Bastards. I bet it's all Snivellus' idea. Wouldn't put it past the evil tucan. Even sounds like one, now that I think about it. Same sort of raspy honk. Not that it's sexy or anything. I would never think of that kind of thing when listening to his voice. Why would I?

Remus is doing something weird to my trousers..

October 24

Well, I think grandchildren might be a possibility, though my feet are looking a little green. I think the absence of blood circulation went to my brain. I get up and suddenly realize this entire house is out to get me, damnit!

I'm still not sure what came over Remus. I'd better not ask. Probably 'classified, restricted, DON'T ASK information'. He always says that when he tries to get out of things he's too mature to be caught doing but he wouldn't put past losers like me.

Fine. I'll just lock myself in my room.

Because I don't care what he thinks.

October 25

Although, the trouser thing was kind of nice.

October 26

Harry seems concerned about me. Just because I haven't eaten anything for two.. weeks. Oh, bugger.

I'm bored. I'm going to go insane. I have to do something! As long as it's in character and won't get that horrible Weasley woman on my case.

Later:

Perfect. Sent letters to both Dumbledore and Malfoy. If Albus doesn't come in here and blast me to happy non-bored peices, then Malfoy will. Oh, I just love picking fights.