The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles of Lucius

Behind The Times

_________________________

January 12th 1993

Hair brushed and shiny. Evil glare turned off for tearful departure of father (Am actually strangely sad to see old man go. Will be strangely quiet around house with no muggle toys of father screaming in torture chambers father added. Suppose self could use said chambers... hmmm). Robes suitably formal for father´s leaving do (Although have banned booze, as self recalls... actually, self doesn´t have a bloody clue what self did last time booze was involved. Apart from falling over. Do remember falling over. Bump on head still testifies to it. As does strange fixation with carpets. Hmm. Must see someone about that). Arse nice and firm.

As mentioned above, father is leaving, to return to wild lands of Asia, where he is free to kill many muggles without anyone blinking an eye. Trust father to find his niche in a village on a mountain in the middle of nowhere, where people wear sheets and live in temples.

Father has also decided that self looks better in house than he does, so he has decided to give self house.

Was v. touched and surprised by gesture.

In fact, self was so emotionally effected, self got moist around eyes.

Of course, then father (still the ever-malicious old bastard) turned round, pointed at self and laughed, saying that self was nancy-boy for getting teary-eyed over father´s gesture of affection.

Although, don´t believe that father called it affection.

Something about experiment about seeing how sappy self was.

Do believe (and hope a little) that he meant it in generous, fatherly and emotionally-connected fashion, although cheerful mention of placing vengeful curse on the manor in return for memory charm of twenty-five years ago was rather... unnerving, thinking on it.

Hope father was joking.

Would rather not have a cursed house.

Aunt Elsbeth (Sister of father - equally batty, but with v. v. v. large fortune (Can not overemphasize how V. big said fortune is. Not that size really mat... oh, who am I trying to kid! Of course size matters! Fortune in bloody enormous!) which self will one day receive due to Aunt´s inability to keep a husband long enough to produce a child. Something about v. rich husbands being v. dead on day after wedding (And, of course, leaving vast wads of money to poor, mourning Aunt) caused problems in production of Heirs apparently, so self is sole benefactor of nutty old lady) has cursed (but v. pretty!) castle in Glencoe and said that blood running down walls at dinner parties was v. disturbing for guests.

Can imagine it would put one off one´s soup.

Also played havoc with upholstery.

Hmm.

Must suggest that Aunt Elsbeth invites vampires to dinner at manor - vampires could take care of bloody-walls problem. Being blood-sucking fiends means they would not be squeamish or run screaming about curses and have v. filling meal in the bargain.

Mind you, on downside of having undead blood-suckers in house, said vampires might also eat Aunt Elsbeth.

Hmm.

Well, that would be a great loss to the world.

One less person to send Christmas card to.

As well as the tiny issue of inheritance, although self would be loathe to bring it up.

Self really isn´t at all interested in acquiring Aunt´s vast accumulation of millions of galleons. Not at all.

Hmm... I wonder...

If self subtly hints to Aunt Elsbeth about possibility of utilising vampires to get rid of bloody wall (which is playing havoc with upholstery and social status, although have heard rumours about popularity with tourists. Tourists. Would invite them into castle, then toast them like marshmallows, filthy little camera-snapping fools! Unless they wanted photographs of self, in which case an exception may be made, before toasting occurred), then Aunt gets vampires in, then vampires turn on her and eat her, would it be construed as accidental?

Self would be innocent of deaths of family-types, of course, because self did not specifically do anything but suggest way for Aunt to improve house.

Note to self: Make sure Aunt Elsbeth hasn´t changed her will recently, then inform her of vampire-idea (Although remember NOT to mention that self intends for naughty vampires to eat her. Must remember that! Would bollix plan nicely).

Although, vampires might like Aunt Elsbeth and make her into one of them.

Aunt Elsbeth is certainly psychotic enough as human - imagine she would be... just a little more frightening as vampire. After all, am sure that vampire equivalent of Aunt´s agonising cheek-pinch would be much worse.

Hmm.

Will have to find utterly ruthless vampires who kill immediately, although must admit that interviewing process would be rather perilous.

Alternatively, could just practise Avada on Aunt.

Has been a while since self tried spell and Aunt is always saying that she would be willing to help self with magic at any time.

Will ask father if he has any particular attachments to his sister, before proceeding, though. Departure curse is bad enough - would not wish to call down wrath of father on self for doing in father´s siblings without permission.

Will check back later, once self is sure, after father´s leaving do.

~*~

January 13th 1993

Hair short - currently floppy and nancy-boy-ishly shaped to fall just around eyes in v. cutesy fashion (If father comes near self again, am going to kill him vilely and painfully!). Evil glare directed at father (ie. general direction of Asia. Am sure he will sense it as self really is v. annoyed). Robes... replaced with new `look` (father is evil git). Arse somewhat compacted after daring adventure into new ensemble (Am killing father next time he shows face. Immediately. He might have muggles as blackmail, but am set in intentions and will kill him).

Stupidly allowed father near beverage counter last night.

Also, stupidly trusted father´s promise that he would behave for a `nice little do´.

Forgot that father is evil, lying malicious bastard.

Woke up somewhere unfamiliar, great quantity of hair missing, clad in skin-tight piece of clothing apparently called T-shirt with `I´m too sexy for this shirt´ written on chest (Agree with sentiments, but not with said piece of clothing) and v. uncomfortable trousers on nether regions.

Leather.

Self was fine when lying down and trying to get one´s bearings.

Unfortunately, the moment self sat up, self immediately regretted it.

Actually, self regretted it when self came around after passing out from near-castration by v. tight leather trousers. Am sure that seam of trousers did some long term damage (Am able to hit a high `C´. V. worrying).

Was just beginning to understand that self had been set up by malicious-git-father and thinking about how self would return home when the world stopped spinning (Must find out how father is so efficient at spiking drinks. Must learn to avoid spiked drinks. Must resist urge to fall over again and successfully finish Chronicle entry) when a voice spoke from floor.

"So you´re awake, Sleeping Beauty," he said. "You passed out before we could do anything last night..."

Was still utterly disorientated and sure that voice was delusion.

Until a large hand patted self´s thigh.

Apparently, self had been given the bed of said speaker. Said speaker, who was v. large, also clad in much leather, with v. frightening handlebar moustache extending down around mouth and v. prominent earring.

Said speaker now expected self to... pay for the accommodation and touched part of trousers that no man should squeeze when self is wearing leather. Or at all! No man should squeeze self there! Never! Never ever!

Self squealed like girl (and will blame trousers entirely for said effect).

Once again, self was hugely grateful for ability to apparate.

While self is first to admit the fleeing is a sign of cowardice and worthy of cruciatus by Dark Master, am absolutely positive that Dark Master - in same situation - would have fled, squealing like a girl much like self did.

Handlebar moustache.

Enough said.

Also, was forced to have wife apply some kind of lubricant to self, in order to aid self in removal of magically-attached leather trousers, when self managed to get home and fall over in pain.

Have strangely sneaking suspicion that wife took her time over it, as am v. sure that wife´s hand did not need to linger on arse for a good thirty minutes (Not that that was bad thing, of course, but prefer it in normal circumstances, when self is not confined within skin of dead animal, restricting certain... reactions).

Have decided that leather trousers are true element of evil and if any member of family (Bar wife and her v. sexy arse - am sure that would look stunning) even thinks about wearing leather trousers, self will hex them into next Millennia and exile them from family.

Yes, am rather bitter towards trousers, esp. since it was self´s appearance in said trousers (And T-shirt, but did not have to humiliate self with bottle of baby oil to remove T-shirt. Wife´s teeth did good enough job) that apparently attracted big, scary moustached wizard type, whom self is tempted to refer to as a `Village person´, although self is not entirely sure why.

Bloody trousers.

Am absolutely going to kill father next time self sees him. As if going out in public in a skirt wasn´t reason enough.

Hmpf. Will write later. Must go and plot messy deaths of family types presently.

~*~

January 15th 1993

Hair in tidy ponytail (Am overjoyed to have hair back after father´s spell wore off. Ha! Self´s spell lasts twenty-five years, father´s twenty-five hours - now, does it need to be said who is better wizard? Not that I would point this out to father´s face, if he showed up, as am rather partial to having hair at present length and not suffering indignity and humiliation of leather trousers again...). Evil glare simmering in direction of Hell (although, am wondering what point is, as son will probably not be aware of it. Turned attention from father as relief at return of hair is so great). Robes decent. Arse sat upon.

In wake of father´s absence (And taking one day of deep, brooding and v. vengeful contemplation (Why wife called it petulant sulking, self can not say)), self has recalled plot that was in progress.

And son´s involvement.

Am wondering how it is possible that self sired such a bloody nitwit.

Self repeatedly told son that self wanted to know absolutely everything that happened at school this year in great detail and did son write and inform self of current situation at school?

Did son hell!

Have not heard from stupid little brat since son complained about needing new help.

Am beginning to wonder if son feels that self should have some responsibility for his needs: father I need new a new broom, father I need a flying car, father buy me some new friends...

Father, I need you to beat me around the head with your cane.

Grr.

Ungrateful little brat.

Don´t see why self should pay for all son´s things, just because am his father. What do I look like? A bank? (If so, self must be best-looking bank in the world, because hair is stunning today).

Will write to son immediately and demand explanation.

And self was having such a good start to year.

Apart from humiliating New Year Party.

And incident with leather trousers.

Ahem. Will write later.

~*~

January 16th 1993

Hair brushed. Evil glare nullified by v. sheepish look (v. evil-looking sheepish look, but still). Robes fidgeted with. Arse twitchy.

Am feeling rather silly.

Forgot that son´s owl always delivers son´s letters to study and have not been in study since New Year, until today (Have been distracted by father, wife, Porsche, Christmas and homicidal thoughts).

Found whole pile of letters lying on desk and owl droppings on chair. Believe that owl does not have a v. high opinion of self.

Recall that son´s New Year salutation came with rather ugly, common owl, probably one of school variety which is just embarrassing for both self and son, instead of with son´s personal owl.

Anyway, to sum up contents of various notes from son, son´s obsession with green-eyed boy shows no signs of relenting yet: he did this, he did that, he got away with this, he tried that.

Is v. frustrating to wade through twenty pages of letter for one piece of non-Potter information, but it is there, which is definite plus.

Diary plot is still working.

Another mudblood has been petrified, just before Christmas.

Really must inform Dark Lord about recharging snake-pet so eyes actually do kill, like they´re meant to. If self was Dark Lord, would demand receipt from ancestor for non-functioning toy!

One petrification is tolerable. Two is disappointing. Three is just bloody ridiculous!

However, on plus side, have received letter from board of Governors, inferring that there is growing concern for well-being of children in Hell and that a meeting should be held soon, to discuss things.

Will be able to begin plot to have Gandalf-wannabe turned out on his ear.

Although, while Governors may actually be concerned for children, can´t help having sneaking suspicion that they have simply contacted self, demanding self´s presence at future meetings due to cane-withdrawal.

Would not blame them - cane is truly an essential accessory.

Plus, v. sexy as well.

However, now, must go and check appointment book to see if self can... make time to socialise with other Governors.

After all, would hate to disappoint them with absence of self´s dashing good looks.

And cane, of course.

Will write later.