The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles of Lucius

Sporting Chance

Notes: All right, all right, I admit I meant to take a break for a while before writing/ posting this, since I´m meant to be doing reading for my dissertation (I have the books on my desk - that´s progress, isn´t it?). However, on LUST, I recalled something I was going to use in this chapter regarding Dobby, then I remembered what had to lead into that scene and I simply couldn´t let it lie.

Plus, hey! Its easy to write!

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November 5th 1992

Hair in perfect condition (spent two hours at hair-care specialist in order to look enviably glamorous - am v. evil! Made everyone else around self look less than adequate! Esp. poofy-bearded Gandalf-wannabe Go me!). Evil glare substantially sated (saw son - used up evil glare quota and disappointed look quota within ten minutes). Robes much better than everyone around me (Again, am evil, by making others seethe with jealous rage. However, must learn to pick better accessories. Fuzzy hat apparently v. amusing to pupils. Will find something more evil next time). Arse numb from sitting on bloody hard seats.

Had rather boring duty today.

As self is seen as sponsor of son´s sport team (note to self - will never buy toys for son´s friends again - leads to all manner of other boring duties), self was expected to make an appearance and look suitably proud as son and friends managed to play with balls better than green-eyed boy´s team.

Will not read into it.

All right, will read into it.

Find it deeply disturbing that favoured game in wizarding world involves two groups of people with large, flying phallic symbols between legs chasing and throwing balls around to each other.

However, deemed to go to game to make everyone else look cheap and unglamorous when compared to self.

After all, am evil and rubbing in fact that self is so much more glamorous and pretty than everyone else in boxes is v. effective way of showing how evil self is esp. since self can still look v. evil while wearing possibly dodgiest hat on the planet.

Was a nice hat, at one point.

Was also - at one point - wife´s familiar, Mog.

Mog was little bastard who chewed self´s hair and clawed self´s cane. Self and Mog never saw eye-to-eye (usually cos self was hurling Mog across room, to keep Mog away from precious hair and cane).

Mog - sadly - had tragic run in with a steam roller, resulting in nice, fuzzy hat.

Had great difficulty in comprehending how poor Mog somehow fell into strategically placed vat of unstickable glue on road and got stuck, while self was test-driving said steam-roller.

Self really wasn´t very good driver at said point.

Had self been better driver, self would have hit Mog first time.

In purely accidental way of course.

Really hated that bloody cat.

However, did provide self with rather novel fuzzy hat.

Something happened to hat, when self was in Diagon Alley last week - believe wife tried some kind of spell to animate hat more, as prank on self for mocking wife´s knitting, and hat went mad and tried to maul wife.

Pity that hat failed - would have been interesting cause of death to tell Ministry of Magic - mauled to death by reanimated cat-hat.

Plus, could not have been connected to self in any way.

Unfortunately, wife survived and has learned not to play tricks with pieces of clothing with claws.

From looks of things, wife had to beat hat down with shovel to pacify it (or kill it - am not certain which), so hat has assumed v. bizarre triangular prism shape and is no longer round with v. funny pointy ears and tail.

Anyway, back to showing off.

One always must wear hat at sporting events in wizarding world - looks v. dashing.

Is kind of similar to muggle concept of showing off clothing at something called `Az Cot´ (sounds load of bloody nonsense to self), except have been informed that only female muggles wear hats.

Stupid muggles.

Men look v. nice in hats.

Self should know.

Because self IS man! Not because self looks at others for comparisons! (Except to check that self looks better than others!)

Also, is bonus to sit next to someone who looks...well...bad.

Was seated next to slimy-git House Master of son.

Is clear to self that House Master has yet to start using anonymously sent bottles of shampoo and bubble bath. Hair and skin still awful. Didn´t even wear a hat, but had stupid, fingerless gloves on.

Must send him anonymous tips about suitable accessorising to sporting events.

Am sure that Snape is Goth.

Already wears black at all times, has dull, lank hair as befits Goth, looks like he has a stick painfully wedged up arse to make him perpetually bitter and also has odd, Gothy smell hanging around him.

Alternatively, funny smell could be his home-brewed perfume.

Tried to ignore it as much as possible.

Fortunately, he didn´t ask self is self wanted to try sample.

Have learned from experience (had to grow half skin on neck back) that perfumes made by Snape are not pleasant to smell or touch.

Am rather worried about his interest in cosmestics.

Suspect that he would probably wear obscene amounts of make-up if it didn´t reduce credibility as evil-slimy bastard.

For record - Snape is one of Dark Master´s evil minions and uses `evilness´ as excuse to avoid baths. Evil is v. hygienic and should be v. good-looking where possible! Greasy git cannot grasp this concept!

However, on plus side for him, Snape almost looks better and more evil than self in black, which self finds v. depressing (although Snape has no evil cane and is v. bitter about it).

Am comforted to know, though, that self is far sexier than Snape. Snape has big nose, bad hair and dodgy skin. Ha!

Am so evil to poke fun at misfortunes of others.

Anyway, back to game.

Was v. disturbed to see son so gleeful with big stick between legs.

Distracted self with cane for a while.

Good, loyal, evil cane.

Game did become rather entertaining, though.

Large black ball decided to chase green-eyed Pot boy and self saw son taunting Pot-boy for trying out for ballet (How son knows about ballet, would rather not know. Am concerned enough about son´s obsessions with balls), even though it was blatantly obvious to self that boy was far better flyer than son.

Must admit that game got rather exciting when big black ball started hitting people!

Boy and son disappeared down into gutter around pitch. Am sure son was yelling something about Pot-boy catching him in very...worrying tone of voice (Will not think of what they were doing down there, when no one could see them).

When son emerged, son promptly crash-landed straight onto bollocks.

Was rather concerned, but when self attempted to lean over to see son, self got whiff of House Master´s rather niffy potion and promptly had to look the other way for fear of being sick.

Pot-boy got hit by v. large ball and fell off broom, but apparently not before catching small gold ball and winning game. Was v. confused since son´s team was leading up until then and boy caught one ball and won whole game...

Will have to try and learn rules of game some time in future, so self does not have to pretend to be studying cane when discussions about whether a pass was `legal´ come up in box and in pub, post-game.

On plus side, being armed with cane does stop people asking stupid questions and even if self´s answer makes no sense, cane intimidates people so much that no more questions are asked.

Is v. useful.

Got back to Manor fairly early.

Avoided seeing son, for fear of him speaking in squeaky, girl-like voice. Have enough about son to disturb me and did not need said visual.

Told wife about game (wife is follower of game, but had to miss it for K.A. meeting) and noticed house elf (with long nose) looking v. pleased about something. House elf must not have been aware that self attended sporting events.

If self was concerned about others, self would be rather worried about fact that, after son returned to school, self walked into elf quarters and found long-nosed elf ironing his hands.

Wish some decent help could be found. Help that realises that you are meant to iron clothes, not hands! Have wondered why clothing seems to be returning to wardrobes in less than uncreased condition.

Perhaps house elf had wrinkly skin on hands and was attempting to achieve skin as smooth as self.

Thinking on it, have noticed that many house elves do seem to have some very strong sado-masochistic tendencies, when house work is not done well. Esp. long-nosed, big-eared creature.

Have witnessed one slamming his ears in oven doors.

Unless this is some trick for flattening already flat ears, am rather bemused by it.

Admittedly, self is known for hurling death threats around house, but never imagined that house elves liked being beaten up. Would have stopped kicking them around house, if self knew it...

Am hoping that I am mistaken.

Could not be possible that house elves are THAT perverse.

Note to self - make certain that house elves actually dislike pain before inflicting more upon them.

Would not like to be known as a satisfier of house elves and their kinky pleasures.

Is far too disturbing a thought to contemplate.

Best finish entry now, before wife comes to bedroom (wife is strangely turned on by discussions of balls used in game and will no doubt want to have a wild shag - is almost a decent reason for going to games more often).

On plot note, before finishing, no news yet from son, but cat is still petrified.

Am v. amused.

Cats are nasty sods.

Have also informed son of things teachers won´t tell of Chamber of Secrets.

Son now knows it was opened before and someone died. Am v. amused that self has set son a challenge - hopefully, son will use cunning and wit and shall investigate and learn more about Chamber´s earlier opening.

Somehow doubt it will happen, but can always hope that son has genuine aspirations to be evil bastard.

Will write when more news on plot comes in from son (or when self is seen looking v. dashing in public - must keep tabs on how many jealous looks self gets, when self goes out in public).

~*~

November 7th 1992

Hair good (still suffering minor windswept effects of sitting in box for game the other day). Evil glare replaced with v.-wide-and-manic-grin-of-evil-glee (will explain shortly). Robes gone as self is in jacuzzi to write this (Wife will be joining self in short time. Mmm. Bubbles). Arse comfortable.

Received word from son today that there has been progression with plot (although son is unaware that self was instigator of plot, because self knows that if son knew, son would use knowledge to evilly taunt people and would inevitably give self away. Am not keen on Azkaban, thus kept information from son).

Son informed self in letter (after self scanned through twenty pages of ranting about how unfair game was, esp. since Pot-boy won - son must face up to UST or else son will seem like bitter, twisted little bitch for rest of life. Would much prefer son as evil bastard) that a mudblood Gryffindor has been petrified.

Believe that Basilisk may need new batteries.

After all, basilisks are fatal pets, but petrification is v. much...not fatal.

V. disappointing.

Perhaps basilisk needs glasses, so it can see.

After all, is v. old and has been locked in dark hole for fifty years.

However, must admit that it is amusing that person is petrified.

After all, is only a matter of time before someone dies and petrification is v. scary for poor teachers in Hell.

Am really v. sympathetic towards them (or so self must appear. A governors meeting has been called next week - must practise looking sympathetic) and am sure that Gandalf-wannabe is feeling v. unnerved that he has something stiffer than him (And ick! Not in that way!) in his school.

Am still rather impressed that evil plan is working.

Would have suspected that Weasley-man would have advised precious children against stupidity of writing in book that writes back, but apparently Weasely-child is thicker than anyone anticipated.

Also (v. excited about this) have come up with some additional contingency plans if plot looks like its starting to lose power.

Will get rid of Gandalf-wannabe!

Will be utter triumph!

If more petrifications occur (will inform Dark Master on his return to full power that he had better find himself a new and more deadly pet as Snake seems to be getting on a bit...) will go to Governors and convince them that old fart is past his sell by date.

Governors will agree with self and will sign letter to get old fart sacked.

Self will then present letter to him (with hair looking spectacular of course) and rub in fact that self has authority (and better hair) while old twit in poofy dressing gowns with dodgy beard is out on his ear.

Am really hoping it will come to this.

Have been unable to v. evilly rub in fact that self has far better hair for v. long time (mainly because grumpy old nit refused to talk to me when self was at school, due to hair envy).

However, am also hopeful that snake will do it´s job properly.

But only after self has had a chance to poke fun at old twit´s poofy hair.

Wife has arrived.

Better finish, before she finishes undressing.

Wife really is v.

.

.

.

P.S. Is later on - finished abruptly when wife dropped all her clothes. Was v. distracted and almost dropped Chronicles in jacuzzi Will try not to do it again.