The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles of Lucius

Notes: Can´t really think of any notes of import except that I wrote 2 chapters of The Eighth Weasley last night and this morning (morning - eurgh!) and should righteously be unconscious. I entirely blame Jason Isaacs and my flatmate for this story. And JKR for giving us a v. evil bastard with such nice hair and such a nice arse ;)

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Is son´s twelfth birthday.

Despise any birthdays, parties, gift-giving and celebrations not directed at self. Dislike son stealing all attention for self (although friend of son commented on hair looking v. pretty - was rather sweet).

Wife should be celebrated on anniversary of son´s birth. Am getting soft, but wife did work v. hard on said day. Son just flopped out and looked naked and slimy. Wife spent fifteen hours in labour, stuck in middle of nowhere due to broken wand.

All wife´s fault too, as wife grabbed wand - think it was knob - and snapped it with the intention of inflicting vengeful pain. Sadly (for wife - relief for self), broke wand and left knob intact.

Heh. Had forgotten about that.

Maybe wife not so bad.

Son also very tolerable.

Have strange urge to hug both and tell them I love them.

Would be v. evil thing to do, as they would suspect something bad is about to happen and fear me. May do this for amusement´s sake. Son more terrified of hugs than of evil glare over breakfast.

Think today has gone rather well.

World swaying a little, but otherwise, v. good day.

Might also be marginally drunk...

Wife made certain drinks were non-alcoholic for twelve-year-olds.

Son spiked drinks.

Would have been proud of son´s cunning, but had no idea until started feeling a little merry. Was forced to obliviate all guests who witnessed attack of giggles and singing `Like a Virgin´ on table in living room.

Does not befit evil and cunning bastard to be seen having fun. Fun is weakness. Evil is good-looking and sophisticated with good hair and nice arse. Must bring up subject of `Evil being too serious´ at next meeting.

Son was peeing self laughing at my behaviour.

Would be v. embarrassed but all guests have forgotten.

Feel superior and evil for blindsiding them.

Wife pointed out that guests no longer have clue who they are.

Decided that must use this for own benefit.

Emptied all pockets and bags of confused guests. All guests assumed it to be some kind of v. amusing game. Now in possession of a dozen Gringotts keys and vault numbers of v. wealthy family friends.

Will be able to afford v. nice new shoes on next shopping trip.

Must buy gift for wife to thank her for cunning idea.

Will buy her diary, as wife seems to have fixation on diaries.

Can also afford to buy Porsche for self, but will wait until Christmas to see if wife has taken subtle hint.

Would be nice to keep money to buy new wardrobes, if wife does buy Porsche.

Have seen rather nice pair of shoes that would look v. nice with evening robes.

Now, must go and lecture son (on wife´s orders. Wife is v. attractive today. Am tempted to seduce her. Must be v. drunk) on evils of spiking drinks, esp. when father does not know and makes utter tit of himself in public.

Will write more later when page stops spinning.

~*~

When headache clears, will lecture son properly about spiking drinks.

Will also make certain that son knows that spiking coffee, tea and hot chocolate not amusing or clever. Unless in case of other people drinking beverages and making tits of selves. Then spiking can be considered highly amusing.

Feel nasty.

Woke up beside v. naked wife.

Was rather surprised to say least.

Was also surprised to find self naked.

Surprise increased when wife started kissing me. And then again, when I started kissing wife in ways not used since honeymoon and liked it. Wife liked it too. Wife made very...amusing sound effects.

Unfortunately, headache kicked in.

Real head ache for once.

And stomach refused to keep any food in it.

Am enjoying being nursed by wife.

Must be ill or still drunk.

Wife v. pleased to see diary being used so much, although will have to remember to put sealing charm on diar...er...Chronicle, to prevent wife peeking to see what is written about her.

Wife nuzzling neck. Will stop wri

~*~

Have decided that wife isn´t so bad.

Wife is v. pretty when smiling and even prettier when doing...other things with her mouth. Will not go into details, but enjoy greatly. Returning favour also v. fun for wife and self.

Have decided arse is as good as wife´s, although wife still a little on skinny side.

Wife is as keen as self to see son go so house will be just ours (wife has exhibitionist streak and desires to use every piece of furniture for kinky purposes - will be interesting to see how all progresses).

Both agree that having son moved into room next door, to let him hear...noises during night would be sufficient punishment to dissuade him from spiking drinks again, but have yet to leave room to inform son of development.

Will get house elves to do dirty work.

Am preoccupied.

~*~

Was kept up half of last night due to son knocking on wall.

Mind you, kept son up other half night by knocking back.

With headboard of bed.

Believe son will be mentally traumatised by time comes to return to Hell (suitable lesson for spiking drink without informing me) or, if not, will realise he has duty as heir in family. Hope son finds girl who looks a little less like wife.

Will be v. disturbed if son brings home mini-wife-like as wife.

Will be even more disturbed if son brings home green-eyed-boy-in-need-of-laser-treatment home as wife.

If son does so, will insist on green-eyed boy modelling green number, as a test of worthiness for claiming son´s hand. If green-eyed boy looks better in dress, will kill and toast like marshmallow.

If boy makes play for son anyway, will kill and toast like marshmallow, as son is utterly butch boy (or will be when floppy hair stops being so floppy and girly) and will marry girl of decent blood that does not resemble pig-dog.

However, do recall something significant about green-eyed boy, yet can´t put finger on it.

Boy has significance in relation with Dark Master.

Son?

No (No woman with eyes in head (much preferred to out of head - messy otherwise) and a brain cell touched Dark Master with barge pole, no matter how much he liked it. Dark Master looooooooves barge poles. Dark Master was utterly kinky git).

Brother?

No. Too good-looking (in thoroughly non-judgemental way).

Great-nephew of second-cousin-in-law-three-times-removed?

No...

Just asked wife if she could recall significance of boy and wife gave me strange look.

Feel rather stupid, but pretend that I knew all the time that boy is Harry Potter, the boy who defeated the Dark Master by being cute (and buggered up plans for shopping trip with Dark Master for Christmas in New York in 1981).

Will not forget boy again.

Will write boy´s name on hand to remind self at regular intervals and hope that name does not get mixed up with accumulated floo-numbers of conquests.

Would be rather embarrassing to floo boy when in need of kinky conversation.

Aha!

Recall hearing about boy from son, again.

Also, recall making some witty remark about boy´s scar, in book shop, and now recall why boy´s scar is so famous. Boy received scar from Dark Lord´s sparkly stic... er... wand (Dark Lord prefers to call wand `Sparkly stick of Doom´. Dark Lord always wanted plastic sparkly stick with streamers and glitter in muggle orphanage and never received one. Dark Lord turned to evil out of desire to have sparkly stick with silver ribbons and glitter in it (Personally turned evil because of nifty-looking standard wardrobe and sexy snake stick. Hmm - will have to look into link between ownership spiffy-looking sticks and evil)).

Should have remembered more about boy with stupid scar. Have heard all about scar from Governors and Ministry and everyone. Everyone finds scar v. exciting. Find scar rather ugly and disfiguring personally.

Would recommend laser treatment.

Still cannot believe I forgot that boy (who would really look v. good in shimmery green number, in spite of being vile, stinking, filthy little nemesis of Dark Master, son and all associates) is little kid who defeated Dark Master and ruined Christmas holiday plans in 1981.

Feel rather...blond.

Good thing no one else knows I have no clue what I´m talking about.

Lucius Malfoy, handsome, sexy as his arse, sophisticated, blond and thick as a brick.

People too scared of evil glare or snake-cane to correct me.

Always good to know that evilness can be used as back-up.

Will finish now.

Wife is starting to touch places that make it difficult to concentrate.

~*~

Is son´s very last night at home before return to Hell and have made family-bonding evening out of it.

Son seemed distinctly relieved to be out of room and have both parents present and fully-clothed. Seems to have been dissuaded from spiking drinks at any future parties for time being.

Spent nice evening tormenting a few muggles with son before dinner, then after dinner had very civilised conversation about the advantages of using muggle objects, like cutlery, as implements of torture over magic.

Son surprisingly knowledgeable about uses of spoon for torture.

"Why a spoon, son?" I asked him, hoping to reveal he had read text books on subject.

Son gave very evil little grin (was almost shocked, but masked it well. Am expert after all. Go me). "Because it´s dull, you twit," he answered, still grinning evil grin at me. "It´ll hurt more."

Was suitably impressed at son´s nerve and knowledge, but still smacked son on head with cane for being derisive and disrespectful to father.

When son is old enough, has finally stopped growing, can sneer evilly without making wife gush with pride, no longer has to resort to bucket of gel on floppy hair to prevent from looking like sissy girl, has gotten past fetish with broomstick and has cane of own, believe I will begin to feel intimidated.

Son looks to be truly evil bastard when grown.

V. glad son is still smaller than self for time being.

Not really in mood for dealing with threat to dominance in own family.

Finished off evening with rousing bout of fascinating muggle game called Twister, which appears to be closely related to either Karma-Sutra or possibly Masochists Do-It-Yourself handbook.

Game involves plastic sheet (will find interesting uses with wife, later) with four lines of different coloured circles and spin-dial-gizmo-thing (Never did muggle studies, so don´t have a bloody clue of technical term).

Apparently, a group of people should play and position hands and feet on colours and positions where dial-board-thing says, although manual spin mechanism was made more interesting by introduction of wand.

Trick of game appears to be staying upright.

How muggles play game without magic, will never comprehend.

Was forced to use levitating spell after first go.

Was accused of cheating by son, who then kicked feet and caused wife and self to fall on arses. Painful, but v. amusing. Wife insisted on keeping game for `later´. Am sure I saw son cringe at wife´s words.

Son retired to bed.

Believe him to also be tying pillows over ears at present moment.

Will check on him in an hour or two, when son will be asleep. Son always looks so peaceful and anti-evil-mini-bastard when sleeping. Is strangely...emotional to see him so peaceful.

Am really getting soft in old age.

Am almost ready to admit that I will miss son.

Will write later, when less emotional.

And when wife stops nibbling earlobe.