The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles Of Lucius

Hell At Home

Notes: I planned this chapter in the airport, when I was waiting for a flight to London and oy! The muse struck hard and fast - as it always does when I don´t have a computer close at hand!

Also, for those of you who aren´t on the L.U.S.T. list, we´ve come up with Lucius´ father, Titus Malfoy, who is (in our `special´ world) played by Sean Connery. He´s a madcap eccentric explorer and usually doesn´t visit often. Needless to say, you will be meeting him in a short time ;)

_________________________

2^nd December 1992

Hair on the verge of being torn out in clumps already. Evil glare weakened in face of supreme-patriarchal-raised-eyebrow (Will elaborate soon). Robes changed to be impeccable, to avoid superior-eyebrow-raise of father. Arse should be elsewhere, where father is not.

Father arrived yesterday.

Without warning.

After all, it has been a while since father showed face.

If self had known that father was on his way home, would have cast invisible charm on house and skipped country for several months.

However, self was oblivious, until house elf (yes, long-nosed one) opened study door and let barking-mad father into house, with stupid explorer hat and robes on and cane in hand.

Wish self had ability to disappear at will.

Father was charming.

Until he opened his mouth, then all hopes of pleasant Christmas vanished down toilet.

Father, Titus Malfoy, is fruit loop. Has all brain capacity of a blueberry scone. Has a derisive and sarcastic nature (v. unlike self´s - self is only ever derisive to people who deserve...well, everyone. Father is just mean!).

Father is also world explorer and has spent the last twenty-five years lost in Asia.

Had hoped the confundus charm self placed on obnoxious and patronising father would mean he stayed lost a little longer, but suppose twenty-five years was pretty impressive since self was only fifteen at time.

Reason for confundus was that self told father self wanted father's cane (and Manor, but cane more important at the time), but father refused, so self simply had to get rid of him and now...

Bugger.

Wish self had bumped father off.

Would have been so much easier.

Have also sent letter to son to inform him that his long-lost grandfather has finally returned and hope son will disregard horror stories self told of father, so son will return home and become new object of torment for father.

Am hoping self will be able to slip away quietly and father with be distracted by self´s son and will be oblivious to self´s departure.

Wife is delighted to finally meet elusive father-in-law, although self has not got round to mentioning fact that father still actually owns house that has been marital home for the last seventeen years.

Hope father´s exploring will have wiped this from his mind, as am not particularly keen to give up v. spiffy house.

However, am sure old mad father is still malicious bastard (although now malicious bastard in stupid hat and robes - must make sure father is not seen in public - will never be able to show face again for shame) and will, no doubt, remember just because he knows that it will annoy self v. much.

Am sincerely hoping that father decides not to stay for long.

Have left brochures with pictures of various exotic climes, esp. ones with cannibals and lunatics as core population. Of course, self does not hope father will end up as a stew in the South Pacific.

A pie, maybe, but never a stew.

Father is too tough and gamey.

Would never want a nice cannibal to get a dodgy tummy because of annoying, stupid, dominating and eyebrow-raising father.

Actually, bugger that!

As long as father is out of life, self doesn´t give a monkey´s about whether a cannibal gets a jippy tummy! Self just wants to be dominant manly figure in house again and will not be able to do so until father is gone!

Is v. difficult to look manly when father smacks self on knuckles with cane.

Am not pleased.

Father´s cane still looks v. superior to self´s.

Admittedly, father´s cane is `accidentally´ transfigured and somewhat psychotic first wife, Gertrude (self was born to father´s second wife), who looks v. scary in photographs and inevitably made v. scary cane.

Gertrude was allegedly a frightening old loon (perfect match for father, one would think) and apparently got accidentally transfigured by father when complaining about father not helping in house.

Am almost positive it was really an accident.

Really.

Esp. since father had been `accidentally´... er... practising spell for several weeks on various miscellaneous aunts and uncles.

Family now has rather impressive cane collection, as father never actually learned reversal spell.

Actually, family now IS rather impressive cane collection.

Should have added father to their number.

Is v. slimming spell, according to father.

Plus, there is added tragedy of family-members-being-canes. Family-member-cane-person-thing cannot claim various inheritances, leaving self to claim them, which is real effort on self´s part.

Hmm.

Must look for family address book. Am sure that self has a few too many cousins and really would like to be able to afford new wardrobe to match Porsche (which should be arriving this month! Whoo!)

Actually, just had a thought (Father thinks he is highly amusing - no, it didn´t hurt, thank you. No, it isn´t lonely either. And NO! I´m not about to die of shock, father! Get away from my journal!)

Note to self: Next time self gets chance to curse father, use Avada. Preferably ASAP!

Anyway, back to thought self had - wife would make rather spiffy cane, esp. if cane had pretty blonde hair of wife, as self likes to stroke hair of wife v. often. Is v. pretty and shiny and soft and...

Got distracted by thought of fondling wife.

Is certainly a good use of `accidental´ spell. Could almost pass as `accidental´ death of wife. V. tempting. Will consider it if Porsche does not arrive.

However, have suspicion that self´s proper cane would be v. jealous if self went to another cane for walking and magic. Would not wish to cause offence to the evil cane, as self has already had enough problems with hair-straighteners of doom.

Wrathful cane is v. not good.

My cane ish shtill better than my idiot shun´s .

Will write more tomorrow. When FATHER gets his own diary and stops trying to take over self´s. Not that self has a diary! Self had Chronicles.

Keep deluding yourshelf, shun!

Finishing now.

Will kill father before next entry.

You wish, shun.

End entry.

Ditto what he shaid.

~*~

9th December 1992

Hair magically cropped (Bloody father!). Evil glare counteracted by patriarchal arched brow and smug glare of wife (No fair! They have joined forces, doubling points power of wife´s glare and increasing annoyance factor of bloody father´s brow raising). Robes look good (Ha! Something father can´t pick on. Bloody twit look like he escaped from an asylum!). Arse - being picked on.

Hate father.

Hate wife.

Hate son.

Little bugger has decided not to come home this Christmas.

Sent a belated letter that he was staying at school because some v. interesting things have been happening.

Pah.

Son changed his mind about coming home the day self informed him that his loving grandfather was here.

Son is wuss. Son is afraid of meeting grandfather (can´t have anything to do with fact that self told son that Grandfather eats little boys, who don´t go to bed when they are told, for supper - was v. effective for getting little brat to stay in bed at night. Am such a good father!).

Have written back to son to inquire about v. `interesting´ happenings at school.

If this means that he has seen Gandalf-wannabe naked in shower...ick...did not need that visual...If happenings are not plot-orientated, self will demand that son comes home immediately.

Ack! Father is approaching!

Will write later, on son´s return!

~*~

16th December 1992

Hair in mohican (v. amusing joke by father. V. amusing. Will kill him when he sleeps tonight). Evil glare in need of recharge (have used up force glare quota and gave dad a giggle. Grr. Why isn´t self intimidating enough to annoy father?). Robes itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow and polkadot (Ha, father. Ha. Ha. V. funny). Arse itching to skip the country.

Son little sod.

Son also learning to be supremely malicious little git. He ended letter with: P.S. Have fun with grandfather while I´m at school. I´m sure you will.

Git.

Although, son does have valid excuse for staying.

Stupid blond teacher at school set up duelling club. Promotion of fighting in school hours. Am not v. impressed by control held by Gandalf-wannabe. Will complain to board about it (with much waving of cane, of course, to be sure that they listen. Or at least give self full attention).

Am absolutely going to get fool expelled from school this year! Muaha!

Am so super evil!

Anyway, back to son´s excuse: Apparently, Pot-boy has ability to speak to snakes.

Son did trick to produce magic-snake (Will not read into son spraying squirming, wriggly things at green-eyed boy from his...er...wand. Is nothing vaguely kinky in it. Honestly) and it was going to attack pupils.

Even son can´t do that right.

Green-eyed Pot-boy spoke to snake and stopped it from attacking.

Am sure there is something important about being able to talk to snakes.

Note to self: when Dark Master returns in a few weeks, listen to what he says more, rather than mentally critique his attempts at colour co-ordination (One wouldn´t think it was possible to badly co-ordinate green on green, but somehow, Dark Master manages it).

So...Pot-boy is snake-talker.

Personally, would be more impressed if he could speak fluent get-rid-of-father-ese for self. Believe it would sound v. amusing and, if it worked, father...well, self would happily regard boy as saviour of wizarding world if green-eyed boy got rid of father.

Yes, Dark Master might be a little twitchy about self kissing green-eyed boy´s feet, but am desperate! Precious hair is ruined again! Father seems to find it v. amusing to give self a different hair style every morning!

Mirror screamed in terror yesterday when it saw self with something known as a `Princess Leia´ hairdo, consisting of twisted ball of hair over each ear (Acshully, shun, it wash shcreaming with laughter - don´t flatter yourshelf with delushionsh of evilnesh, when I´m here!).

Bloody father.

And, shun, I wash reading that letter from your boy. He sheems to like the Potter boy a lot, eh? He wrote hish name at leasht thirty timesh and twenty pagesh of letter about how Potter fell on his arshe...do you think your shun´s gay?

Noooooooooooooo...

Will stop writing now, and not think of son that way!

Will kill father!

NOW!

~*~

24th December 1992

Hair brushed. Evil glare replaced with giddy grin. Robes - replaced with pyjamas with little Santas all over them. Arse bouncing on windowsill.

Have just been released from body-bind (Father thought self was acting immaturely, so he bound self for four hours, after self hugged him...think self will have to practise the hug-offensive more often, if it upsets father. Although...could result in father using cruciatus...or leaving. Preferably leaving!).

Don´t give a crap!

It´s Christmas eve!

Porsche will arrive soon!

Whee!

Christmas is spiffy!

Can´t wait!

If self sees Santa, self has a catapult on the roof to launch heavy objects at sleigh! Am sure that self can hit him at least once, just like last year. Heard that he had to replace one of the reindeer!

Am so bad!

Will look even badder in a Porsche!

Wahey!

Will write tomorrow about Porsche!