The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles of Lucius

News

Notes: Whoohoo! I got niffled on fictionalley! (Humour me, those of you who don´t know what I´m babbling about).Thank you, webba! You have succeeded in making me utterly hyperactive for several days :D I hope you´re pleased with yourself ;)

And now, back to the fic, which is still the fault of my flatmate (and she expects to have blame directed at her - thank you for the poster by the way - Mmm...Snapey goodness ;)). I´m a bit...off on the dates here and there mainly because we don´t get specifics, so I´m making guesses and using little snippets from both the book and film of CoS (mainly because Lucius in the film inspired this - "Duh!" I hear you cry!) to try and keep in the timeline as much as possible.

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September 30th 1992

Hair average. Evil glare on maximum without target (because a) son is stupid little bimbo and b) son is not present to be glared at until he whimpers!). Robes look rather mussed due to pacing. Arse normal.

How could self spawn such an idiot!

Son has been running around school calling other pupils insulting names that will make people suspect that self is muggle-hating dark wizard, because son knows names that no `good´ child should (all wizard children know it, even if parents do not admit it - `mudblood´ is common playground insult. Trust stupid, wimpy muggle-borns to take it personally).

True that I am muggle-hating dark wizard, but that is not the point!

Son should know better than saying anything like that in public, esp. if son really wants to be sneaky, evil, cunning bastard like self! Son has now practically positioned a great big flashing sign with "Muggle-hating Dark wizard here!" over head of self and wife!

Wife can tolerate flashing sign (because wife is thick), but now, desire to whack son on head with cane is growing.

Will inform son - in polite letters - that more subtlety is required, and then, when son returns home, will whack him around the head with cane for being a little twit!

Believe that son got brains from wife.

Or lack of brains.

Grr.

On amusing note, wife has been seduced by feminism.

Wife believes that she is oppressed and has started wearing v. dungarees and has had her hair cropped `for the cause´. All in all, wife looks utterly ridiculous, although all women in group look just as absurd.

Am rather suspicious, though, as wife seems very friendly with person called Doreen, who looks v....er...v. butch.

Will not read into it.

Esp. since wife returns hair to natural length and returns to girly dresses again when feminist meetings are over.

However, have been at receiving end of numerous dark and sinister glares when group meets at mansion.

Suspect they are intimidated by irresistibly lustable figure of dominant manliness that self presents. Have feeling that self proves a temptation for many of them, although will have to find out what the term "self-wanking jerk-off" means.

Am sure it is a compliment in crude American fashion.

Am amused by quaintness of wife´s American `Witches Lib´ friends.

However, do hope that they will stop having meetings in self´s house. Would like to be able to beat up house elves without being watched by avid audience. It does prove something of a distraction.

Will write again soon, as wife has just decided to show Doreen around house and have just remembered that I left helpless cane unguarded in bedroom! Heaven help poor cane if Doreen found him!

Not that I am making assumptions about Doreen, of course!

Will write later!

~*~

October 7th 1992

Hair pink (desire to kill wife is returning). Evil glare muted by deep embarrassment at colour of hair (despise pink. Pink is girly colour. Definitely want to kill wife. Must remain out of sight until spell is reversed. Will plot wife´s doom until then). Robes no longer match hair due to overt pinkness (Also v. embarrassing - wife has delusional idea that she is a bloody comedienne). Arse only good thing left.

Have decided something.

Actually, have decided several things.

One. Divorce is too simple.

Two. Wife must die slow and silly death within next few days if precious hair does not return to normal (or if shagging is cancelled due to wife laughing hysterically at hair colour again).

Three. Wife likes to be spanked with cane and therefore am deeply disturbed by wife on the whole. Would have considered spanking a punishment, but wife liked it. Wife´s enthusiasm also had greater embarrassing side effect.

Will try and work out at later date why self had odd compulsions to yell "Whose your King, baby?" at wife. Wife found it...kinky. Self found it hugely embarrassing, esp. with pink hair.

Back to decisions that have been made.

Several more involve death of wife.

Mode of death undecided as yet.

Hope son will not mind.

Actually, bollocks that.

Don´t give a monkey´s knob if son minds.

Son did not have hair dyed neon pink by experimental spell with no known reversal spell by bloody wife, when self mocked her W.L. group and their stupid hair.

Grr.

Hair is NOT meant to be pink and flashing.

Hair does not look evil and glamorous when tossed.

Hair makes self look like a hippy poofter.

On plus side, finally managed to remove magically-attached ribbons, so hair isn´t in little pigtails anymore.

Was hugely embarrassed when Fudge paid visit to house (did not show it, though - evil bastards show no embarrassment and am highly experienced in skill of hiding humiliation. See what I am married to for details).

Yes, yes, yes...

Must plot wife´s impending doom.

Threatened house elf (one with big nose, irritating little creature) several times and felt a little better.

Have also decided that Avada is too good for wife.

Wife must suffer for torment inflicted on self!

Have toyed with idea of taking away wife´s money and clothing away and forcing her to live with Weasleys. Would consider that great torture, but wife is perverse.

Wife would probably like it.

Should wife accidentally get hit by avada, though, would not be too distraught (would be able to raid wife´s bank account and buy whole new sets of wardrobes! Would be v. spiffy, esp. if insurance came in on wife as well! Would have plenty for whole new wardrobe room!)

Am not sure how accidental it would look to Ministry, as Avada is v. hard to cast by accident (have heard that one Death Eater did so with wand in his pocket and accidentally blasted himself off cliff. Made impressive `splut´ noise on rocks. Was highly amused) but am sure that self-defence is suitable plea, considering emotional trauma inflicted on self and physical trauma inflicted on hair.

Oh!

Also have made decision to write Chronicles once a week, during hour when wife attends her Witches Liberation meeting, so as not to be disturbed.

Wife is deeply stupid.

If witches were liberated, wife would no longer be able to boss self and son around and wife would have to do her own banking.

Sincerely hope that Witches are never liberated, as self would miss chance to skim from wife´s bank balance and would run out of funding v. quickly. Not good.

Wife is home already. Suggests that Witches will have to wait for at least one week for liberation. Will go and poke fun at her for lack of progress in her evil scheme for freedom. Will write more next week.

~*~

October 15th 1992

Hair back to normal (YESSSSSSSS! No more bloody pink pigtails!). Evil glare non-existent (due to relief of hair being back to normal colour). Robes look absolutely spectacular! Arse looks million times better than usual!

Have been striding around Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley since morning, looking fabulous, with precious, lovely, beautiful, wonderful hair looking better than it has in weeks (and no bloody ribbons anywhere in sight! Despise ribbons with passion! Will never allow another ribbon to touch self´s hair, if at all possible).

Received some jealous looks over spiffy hair, robes and cane and couldn´t conceal smug-evil grin (is toned down version of full power evil-evil grin and therefore, self can not be arrested. If self attempted to perform evil-evil grin in public, self would be tossed in Azkaban, cos self looks like supreme super-evil bastard! Go me!)

Am feeling much better about self now.

And wife not so bad either.

Bought self new set of black robes and pair of v. spiffy black shades that make self look v. utterly lickable (perfect for attracting respectable purebloods witches in v. v. skimpy clothing (preferably) while driving in Porsche when it arrives - am not deluding self! Am sure Porsche will arrive for Christmas!)

Ah, the Porsche...

Have started dropping subtle hints to wife once more.

Have stuck large pictures of appropriate Porsche (pretty, shiny and silver with v. nifty snake drawn on front - snake v. important - looks v. stylish and v. subtly evil) on every mirror in house (despite protests of mirrors - will make note to break them all when Porsche arrives and get new, less whiny ones) since wife seems to like looking in mirrors a lot.

If wife does not take v. subtle hints, will think about having her lobotomy reversed.

Have also received Christmas wish-list from son.

Am rather worried about son´s taste as son has requested `Hand of Glory´ once again and claims it is for...personal use.

Will try not to read into it.

Son is still young and innocent.

Son had BETTER be innocent (in that way, at least. Son can be v. evil, fiendish and nasty little git but can not allow son to beat self´s record for bonking for the first time at fourteen - am so naughty! And with a teacher! Am a rebel! Go me!)

On plus side, if son wants Hand of Glory, son is having no luck in getting any, which means son won´t take record. Unfortunately, this also suggests that son is repulsive little toad, if son can´t get any.

Suspect that son´s UST with green-eyed Pot boy is to blame.

If son is thus inclined, will beat in own head with cane.

Ack!

Wife is back early again!

Will write next week!

~*~

October 23rd 1992

All good - no time for notes!

Buggeration with a cherry on top!

Wife has decided that Witch Liberation is pointless!

Wife has just realised that she is rich, spoiled and has need of nothing, therefore has lost all desire to be liberated.

Damnit!

Have now lost time for writing in Chronicles without wife suspecting something!

Will find new meetings promoting some stupid cause for wife to attend and will write more next week, without wife licking neck! Wife is highly distracting creature when she wants to be!

~*~

November 1st 1992

Hair glamorous and wonderful (just like self!). Evil glare switched to evil-smug-smirk mode. Robes casual. Arse getting used to the feeling of knowing that it´s going to be sitting at Dark Master´s right hand, when Dark Master returns! (AT! AT Master´s right hand! Not on! Would not advise thinking that...ick...)

Am SO bad!

Am evil!

Am cunning!

Go me!

Sneaky evil plot worked!

Hurrah!

Apparently diary of Dark Master (Find it highly amusing the Dark Master calls his journal by girly name of `diary´, but then Dark Master always was a bit...odd. Dark Master likes sparkly sticks and apparently cried like a girl at something called Bambi. Am beginning to wonder why self is so intimidated by him) did find it´s way into Hell and has now been responsible for bloody graffiti!

Is a slow start, but am sure that bloody graffiti is better than no graffiti at all.

Son was delighted to report it.

Graffiti read - The Chamber of Secrets had been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware.

Self would have been more creative in phrasing of threats (Personal preference would have been "Die, muggle scum, DIE!" but am not Dark Master and therefore, do not question his long-winded ways of approaching business).

Son also mentioned something about a cat looking v. dead.

Is possible that dark Master's lttle pet was playing peekaboo again. Have heard that Basilisks make v. loveable pets and are v. obediant.

Is v. unfortunate that if you look at basilisk, you die. Would be rather difficult to form owner-pet relationship with poor creature. Must have very lonely lives.

However, will not mope on that now! Am truly evil bastard! Boring lives of snakes mean nothing to me (except now, when adorable little snake is apparently being used as key to Dark Master's return. Hope Dark-master-in-diary knows what he's doing. Yes, snake has been kept indoors for long time, but now really isn't appropriate time to take it for walkies!).

At least, though, Chamber is open and plot is in progress.

Am v. pleased that plot is coming together.

If little red-haired bimbo from big (and v. poor and unstylish) family is thick as self suspects, Dark Master will return by Christmas.

If not, self will always have nice new Porsche to keep self busy.

Am torn between having horn that plays "La Cuacuaracha" or the v. spiffy, v. evil and v. intimidating Imperial theme from something called "Star Wars". Would like to have theme for self, but, alas, am not yet evil enough.

At least, cannot let the world know that I am uber-evil git!

Self would be thrown in Azkaban, which would mean that self would lose wardrobe and hair-care products.

And cane!

While am happy to be out and open evil bastard and to kill left, right and centre, am not yet ready to part with cane. Is v. v. precious to me. Evil cane. Lovely, precious, delightful and v. evil cane. Mmm...caney...

Ahem!

Will stop playing with cane, until Chronicle entry is complete.

In other news, wife is currently absent.

Actively encouraged her to join a group called "Knitters Anonymous". Tried to sound like I was interested when she talked about it and ploy worked. Wife now attends KA meetings twice weekly, much to self´s relief.

Wife´s absence meant that self dancing around house, singing "Simply the best" to self (due to delight at success of initial stages of evil-diary plan!) went unnoticed by everyone except house elf with long nose, who gave self funny look before somehow being kicked across the room.

Can´t work out how that happened, but house elf bounces v. well.

Am enjoying quietness of house, but must finish writing now.

Must polish cane.

Mmm...

Evil cane.