The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles of Lucius

Everso Tipsy

Notes: Due to popular demand in the reviews, I´m going to have to do the morning-after-the-night-before-New-Year scenario. Plus, the illusive flatmate who triggered this moment of madness informed me that she found merry!Lucius amusing.

Hmm.

Tabletop-dancing!Lucius has yet to be brought up in LUST...ladies?

_________________________

January 1st 1993 - New Year

Hair lank. Evil glare turned off due to sore head. Robes replaced with fuzzy, cosy dressing gown and slippers (Am far too sleepy and dizzy to leave bedroom. Would sit by window, but light is too bright. Head really v. sore. Think self might have enjoyed party too much). Arse... well, still attached (Definitely good thing - self without arse would be unthinkable).

Is New Year, therefore, must make resolutions that will make self a better person (not that self needs to, but it will humour wife and wife appreciates being humoured. Wife is v. strange, lovely thing that she is):

I WILL:

Appreciate wife more

Show son some kind of affection (Uncertain what kind yet. Is glaring affectionate?)

Kill father for being an embarrassment to self and wizarding-kind

Develop less-subtle hint-dropping technique, so wife will be sure to get real Porsche for birthday

Avoid the house elves (esp. one with big nose)

Polish cane daily (Must maintain optimum evil gleam. Evil is never dull and smudged with fingerprints)

Find strength to resist buying new wardrobe whenever in Knockturn Alley

Find way to identify spiked and non-spiked drinks

Mock Gandalf-wannabe for having crap hair

Be sexy man-beast that wife finds irresistible every day (As if that would be a challenge for self...)

Get Porsche for birthday

I WILL NOT:

Befriend house elves

Invite muggles for dinner (Unless they are main course)

Be caught dead in public with father ever again

Admit my age to anyone outside family (Not that it makes difference - self is like v. fine wine, honestly)

Chum up to Gandalf-wannabe

Ruin Dark-Lord-Diary-plan by telling son

Curse son´s mouth shut to stop him blabbing about everything around school, because he is stupid little nit

Make up anymore resolutions as self never remembers to keep them.

Party last night was fun.

Head v. v. sore.

Have discovered where son inherited drink-spiking tendencies.

Am unsure how father could spike whisky with...well, more whisky, but father managed to produce drink that knocked drinker (ie. self) off feet.

Father then called self sissy-girl for not being able to hold booze.

Head hurts.

Will kill father soon.

Groo...

Unfortunately, have vague recollection of pre-keel-over time.

Most people were v. shocked to see father.

Or possibly hairy knees of father.

Must admit that self was sure father had pair of matching baby acromantulas sticking to his legs. Self screaming like girl was entirely justified at sight of them peeking out from beneath kilt.

Actually, thinking on it, shock may have been instilled by father wearing a patterned skirt with knee-high socks and v. tacky badge (silver with plastic-looking purple gem in flower pattern - father not as tough as he looks, if he likes flowers. Am so much cooler than father! Self has snake badges! Snakes are well spiffy! Ha! Father wears little girly flowers and self wears snakes! Who´s your Dark Wizard? Say it! Say it!) at collar of shirt.

Father´s distinct lack of fashion sense is enough to scare anyone.

Father greeted all old friends (However, look of terror on faces of many suggested that `friend´ is not term they recall father in. `Insane raving psycho´ was whispered by several. Am not sure what they might be implying about father) in fashion of long-lost-Dark-Wizard friend.

Am sure that Hector Benoit will not miss his left leg.

However, am rather convinced that Joshua Rosencrantz might be slightly miffed about sudden absence of his head.

Father always did have such a way with people.

Was sure several Aurors were present at `do´ last night, which might have proved a slight problem for dark-magic-wielding father, but heard they were spotted furtively trying to leave building without being spotted by `the madman in the skirt´.

Am undecided as to whether they were referring to father or not.

For the most part, though, people at party were suitable company.

V. rare to find such company in present times, due to abundance of muggle-lovers, avoiders of fashion and... oh, what was that other one? Always forget one... muggle-lovers... avoiders of fashion...oh!

Mudbloods!

Yes, three sins of wizarding world.

Personally, do not mind mudbloods so much, as long as they don´t come anywhere near self and contaminate the air with their breath. In self´s opinion, they should all be shipped off to an Island somewhere and left there.

Would provide v. entertaining if wizarding world could watch as mudbloods are forced to resort to struggling for survival, lose all commodities and have to live with complete strangers in the middle of nowhere.

Doubt muggles would be able to come up with such a nightmarish form of torture!

Anyway, back to party.

Self was fortunate to have wife to stop self looking embarrassing.

Wife achieved that by climbing up and dancing on table with self, so self didn´t look quite as...well, one wouldn´t say silly about self´s dancing, because - according to one of wife´s witch friends - self knows how to `shake his tight little bootay!´.

Of course, self would never brag about this. Self is v. modest and retiring an looks v. good when self acts graciously when flattered.

However, must interpret what `bootay´ is. Am sure it is meant as compliment.

So, wife and self table-danced.

Am not sure if it is good thing that people were hurling money up to us and wolf-whistling. Am sure that the cried of `Come on, Malfoy, show us yer legs!´ and `Get yer tits out!´ were sheerly in spirit of good humour.

Mind you, wife flashed leg and am certain that she received fifty galleons for it.

Wife does have v. attractive legs, though, so hardly surprising.

Unfortunately, father ruined any chances of making a profit from night by joining us on table and lifting his kilt up.

On sidenote: father is true Scotsman. V. embarrassing.

Trust father to lower tone of evening.

The whole room went silent and several people dropped their glasses. Father just smirked in v. evil fashion, lowered kilt, climbed off table and said to self that self was acting like a showgirl and should have some Malfoy pride.

This coming from the old fart who just flashed his todgers at room full of friends.

On plus side, though, father showed off the... er... well-sized... um... pride of Malfoy family. Self can hardly complain about father making several women stare in awe, as self has same... um... wand length as father.

Is one thing I am grateful to father for.

Fortunately, only other feature self received from father was cynical-eyebrow.

Have named cynical-eyebrow Bob.

Was blessed to look like mother, grandparents and everyone but father, as father can look v. evil if he wants with black hair and nearly black eyes. V. creepy. Self prefers to deceive people into thinking self is pretty (Is v. true) and harmless (Is v. not true).

Just had frightening thought...

Father had black hair as youth and nearly black eyes.

Greasy Potions Professor at son´s school also has lanky black hair (Must recommend a conditioner, as self feels compelled to shudder every time self sees him) and v. dark eyes. Could it be possible that self has a brother...?

Would explain natural enmity that self feels for stupid House Master and insane instinct self has to pull his hair (After it has been washed with v. expensive shampoo and self must wear rubber gloves to prevent contamination) and steal his toys.

Ick.

No.

That would be wrong and foul in so many ways.

Am happy being only child. Will not contemplate vileness of having to deal with potential siblings.

At least not unless my way of relating to illusive brother is to show him how well self can perform Avada Kedavra - am v. good at it, although have yet to show any family member the way self can bump off muggles.

Oddly, for some reason, they are always busy when self offers to show them.

Can´t be that they still remember unfortunate incident where self accidentally sent Avada on Auror-type and managed to kill three Death Eaters, who were standing behind self, by accident.

Was so v. much not my fault!

Bloody wand was being an arse!

Dark Master was not best pleased.

However, to return to subject of party: after table-dance fiasco (and humiliation) was convinced by father to try his special brand of booze and that floored self.

Cannot really remember anything further about party, apart from being able to see fascinating texture of carpet in very close detail. Also remembering seeing feet, but carpet seemed so very interesting.

Believe wife and father got self home.

Dearly wish my memory was better.

Oh! Thank you Merlin!

Wife has just entered with large vat of pain-killing potion and very few clothes!

Have never been more glad to see wife!

Missing clothes an added bonus to potion.

Have vague idea what wife has in mind, therefore, will write more at later time.

~*~

January 3rd 1993

Hair freshly washed and dripping and tangled (Wife snuck up on self in shower this morning and made things v....interesting). Evil glare on pacific mode. Robes replaced with comfy dressing gown again (Am still on New Year break. Am enjoying it). Arse in fine shape (Good start to year).

Have just received belated New year salutation from son.

Son has requested new friends as current hired help (Brain-dead sons of self´s brain-dead bodyguard types) seem to be behaving oddly. Perhaps single brain cell has run out of power.

Son mentioned something about them on Christmas day.

They said they were asleep in cupboard (why they were sleeping in cupboard together, self has no clue and does not want one), while son insists they were in common room, talking to him. Tend to believe son more, as friends are v. thick and probably identified common room as v. large cupboard.

Will contact fathers of boys and ask them to check the dosage on sons medication.

Can´t have son getting lonely and depressed at school, esp. when self needs him there to keep self updated on things that are happening with diary, rumours of heir and other stuff like that.

Fortunately, self still has father here, so son will avoid coming home for as long as possible, to avoid his mad grandfather.

Is v. useful keeping father around, although have spoken to him and he intends to go back to Asia and South America again in some time, because he misses being able to hunt packs of muggles in the forests, while naked.

And didn´t need that image.

Do wonder, though, where he keeps his wand in such circumstances.

Have come to the conclusion that father is v odd.

Also, on amusing note, father received official caution from the Ministry of Magic due to mysterious disappearance of head of Ministry worker at New Year Party.

Father v. good at acting innocent.

Father claimed that he is out of touch with magic and v. unsure about what happened to `that poor wee bloke´s head´, while self witnessed whole thing and know that father knew exactly what he was doing.

Rosencrantz was bloody idiot and told father that father´s kilt made his legs look fat.

Stupid, stupid fool.

Everyone knows that you do not insult a Malfoy´s fashion sense.

It might even be in wizarding law.

We are known for not being v. good at taking criticism (Self is exception to rule, as self always looks stunning) and for stupid ministry plonker to approach long-lost Malfoy Senior to insult his skirt...

Even self wouldn´t be that stupid.

Self might think it, but would never dream of saying it.

Father was not best pleased with Ministry of Magic letter, saying he would be in bigger trouble if he did not reverse spell and apologise to Rosencrantz.

Ministry of Magic have just received the most obscene howler in wizarding History.

Am not sure where father learned all those words, but self will have to have him write them all down, so self can use them at appropriate time.

As the three hour rant (And Ministry could not stop it until it was finished! Hehe! Can imagine look on Fudge´s face! Priceless!) was eighty percent cursing, one would think he would repeat himself, but father only ever used every expletive once.

Self is becoming increasingly impressed by father.

Hope he doesn´t leave too soon. Am beginning to like having him around.

Will write more later. Have muggle-hunt planned in back gardens.