The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles of Lucius

Not Bloody Fun

Notes: I wanted to do one more chapter before the Christmas one, so here it is - and can we tell what kind of mood our dear Lucius is in? :)

Oh and just so you know, I´ve finally seen The Patriot, in which Mister Isaacs stars as a super-evil baddie. Highly recommend it and quite a few little things in this emerge from that film. As always, intertextuality is a must :D

__________________________

November 18th 1992

Hair straight and rather...crispy (will elaborate soon). Evil glare directed at evil hair tongs (Not as satisfying as glaring at animate object, but have no desire to be seen in public with hair in present condition). Robes also rather...crispy (house elf missed hands and burnt robes. Grr. Will smack him upside head soon). Arse square (due to over-starched long-johns - bloody house elf really not impressing self at present).

Has been a long day.

Worst part, though, is only lunchtime now.

Decided that self would tidy out wardrobes and get rid of things of less value. In a monetary sense, of course - v. evil bastards such as self do not possess feeble and weak sentimental emotions.

However, did find Pooky, self´s old teddy bear.

Was reminded of good times, when father took young self and Pooky to muggle-hunts and self used Pooky to beat muggles senseless. Muggles v. v. stupid creatures and laughed when self approached with Pooky.

Muggles thought self was an adorable and beautiful little boy.

All right, maybe muggles were right about that, but muggles also made v. stupid assumption of thinking that self was harmless little angel and that Pooky was not a deadly weapon.

Muggles unaware that Pooky contained a ten pound mace in his fuzzy wuzzy green and blue striped belly. Was and am so v. evil and sneaky. Must congratulate self more often on supreme evilness!

However, joy at finding Pooky was significantly reduced when self also found that Pooky´s mace tips were still sharp.

Bloody painful too.

After finding a bandage and putting Pooky in a box, self found another old toy.

Hair-straighteners.

Such things are works of Dark Lord himself, as vengeance for all people who dare to have good hair, while Dark Lord is bald as a coot.

Took great effort not to mock Dark Lord about distinct lack of hair, although mutters of `cue ball´ were cause of great temper tantrums when Dark Lord called Death Eaters together.

Was v. amusing to watch Dark Lord stamp his feet and wail like tortured muggle because of lack of hair to put...ahem... pretty ribbons in. Am v. dubious about Dark Lord´s butch manliness esp. re. squealing like a little girl when something called `Snow White´ was on something called a `tilivision´.

Dark Master claimed it was evil and am prone to agree.

Girl of title is clearly some kind of succubus, using innocent charms to seduce all animals of the forest to her (was rather nauseated by overuse of large, `innocent´ eyes and gaspy little girly voice. Not to mention close relationship girl developed with creatures after - apparently - partaking in hallucinogenic substances) and then, stupid little girl performed the same feat with seven muggles with growth deficiencies.

"How do you do?" is not good thing to say when you wake up in strange house with seven horny men letching on you, esp. when you are in THEIR beds. Is clear that `Snow White´ is about as pure as driven over (with Porsche!) gutter slush.

Indecent.

Absolutely perverse.

When Dark Master returns, must inquire as to the genre that this...story fits in. There are so many horrific elements: narcotic abuse of some kind resulting in hallucinations of trees coming to life, bestiality, polygamy (one succubus girl, seven men, one house, communal bathing - of course they were just...friends. Especially that...Dopey creature. Have no doubts whatsoever as to why he looked so dopey - all brains were expunged when he...no. Will not even go there).

Of course, because the bloody girl can´t chew her food and chokes (Yes, apple was poisoned, but find that completely irrelevant, as charming, talented witch was clearly trying to rid the world of evil succubus creature), poor witch is blamed and falls off cliff due to typical bloody deus ex machina.

Am convinced that this `Snow White´, which Dark Lord mooned over, is truly a great example of horror. Am truly sorry for poor witch, prejudiced against because she does not go to effort of seducing seven short men and has a close affinity with mirror.

Was evil story.

Truly evil.

Do recall Dark Master insisted that corporation which made `Snow White´ (called `Diznee´) was under his command. Having seen some of the terror-inducing images produced by said company, am almost on verge of agreeing with Dark Master.

A hippopotamus in frilly tutu was potentially most disturbing thing that self has ever seen (after Dark Lord in tutu, of course, but believe that was Dark Lord´s intention, as Dark Lord couldn´t possibly be THAT girly...)

Previous considerations about Dark Lord´s obsession with hair and stick also support feeling of unease.

I mean, Dark Lord´s obsession with SPARKLY stick. Sparkly stick! Not evil, snake-headed stick of self!

Self´s stick is adequately evil to not be equated with girly Dark Lord.

However, advantage of Dark Lord´s somewhat...girly nature did give Dark Side one advantage that self could not have provided: bitter, twisted PMS-ing snake-faced Overlord with great fashion sense.

Note - Self could have provided fashion sense for Dark Side, but did not want to detract from Dark Lord´s one attribute, so settled for subtle evil mocking of Dark Lord´s shiny noggin.

Fortunately, am v. sneaky and did not get caught saying this out loud.

One foolish Death Eater did get caught - Dark Master inflicted most vile punishment upon him - performing magic shows for muggle children.

Is v. v. v. v. evil, as muggle children are even more evil than standard evil wizarding children, due to natural bitterness inherent in being a sub-species.

They don´t realise this though.

Only we, the superior and prettier beings, notice this.

However, getting back to evil hair straighteners that self mentioned a little earlier in entry, self - being powerful dark wizard - assumed that Dark Hair Straighteners would obey command of self.

Self was, for the first time, v. v. v. wrong.

Hair now looks like solid block and one side is longer than other.

Have tried for hours to get both sides even. Hair is starting to go black and curl at the ends, thus, am not best pleased! Have just got rid of bloody pink and ribbons, only days ago and now, hair is totally ruined by v. evil hair-styling implements.

Considered asking wife for assistance, as wife is also v. evil and wife may have better skill at handling Hair Straighteners of Doom.

However, that would mean admitting that self cannot control evil girly implements for styling hair (Self is not considered girly for utilising them! Self only used them to enhance butch and macho look of glamorous hair!).

Have decided not to show face for several days and hope for the best.

If wife decides to poke nose into bedroom, will hope that she does not notice funny burning smell.

Will go and apply large quantities of conditioner at present. Must salvage hair, as wife is arranging Christmas dinner parties and hair must be supremely pretty or else self will not be able to assume role as smug Overlord at `do´.

On side note, am v. hopeful about Porsche.

Have found wife looking at pictures and commenting on how `nice´ the car is.

Fought urge to tell wife the Supreme-Demon-Vehicle-From-Hell-With-Roaring-Engines-and-big-shiny-wheels (would prefer it to be called `Hellbeast´, but suppose that self could lie to people that `Porsche´ means `Demon on wheels´ for suitably evil ring...) is not `nice´, but if agreeing with wife means that self gets Porsche, self will suffer said indignation for the next month.

Will be a struggle, but should self falter, self will be a gentleman to wife and use thoughts of Porsche to suffer through the days.

Should attempts to remain civilised fail, self will wipe her memory and convince her that self is a charming gentleman in every way, then - after self has evil-Porsche - will remind her of how evil self really is.

After all, am v. evil. Can not have people forgetting this!

Will write later.

~*~

November 19th 1992

Hair - still crunchy. Evil glare turned off for day (used up quota on house elves who dared to giggle at hair). Robes put aside in place of shirt and breeches (have no need to dress up, since have confined self to bathroom - will elaborate soon). Arse - cold and numb, but safe from bloody house elf.

Take bad day of yesterday.

Double it.

Find badness of today.

Have had the misfortune of discovering that house elves believe that crispy hair is result of self-punishment and house elves are now starting to believe that self is more like them than ever.

Was winked at by one at breakfast time, when food was delivered to room.

Felt confused and nauseated.

Of course, was worse when one patted leg.

Was forced to kick him across room.

Gyah...

Heard him cry `Oh! Yes, Master! Kick me!´ and immediately freaked!

Am currently locked up in private bathroom, with several charmed locks, chains, booby traps and bars on door to keep horny house elves away from self. Wand is in hand in case one decides to gate-crash!

Am now convinced that house elf with long hard nose has a crush on self and would like to obliviate self, but allegedly had a bit of a nasty accident last time I tried to self-obliviate (Apparently - I don´t remember).

However, getting back to plans, must ask wife whether she has noticed any odd behaviour on part of house elves.

Probably not.

Wife is rather...blonde.

Unlike self, who is evilly blond.

V. big difference.

Crap!

Someone is knocking at door! Like drums, drums in the deep...

Nooooooooo!

I can not get out! I can not get out!

They are comi...

~*~

November 21st 1992

Hair back to normal (Finally! Actually found straightener-reversal procedure in the instruction manual of evil straightener on wife´s suggestion. Well...um...am not thick! Self can not truly be expected to be Evil Mastermind at all times!). Evil glare directed at hard-nosed house elf (who seems to have realised that crush on self is absolutely NOT reciprocated, due to the fact that self ran screaming from house elf (in v. butch and manly manner, of course!)). Robes stylish.

Am in mood to go and strut in Knockturn Alley, as hair looks rather good.

Robes look even better than usual (perhaps because of several days withdrawal from them), although wife commented that they look like `a horse blanket´ and was forced to reply that I think they look...rather nice.

Mind you, self could wear a piece of string and make it look damn fine!

Oh, now that self is back to normal, self has managed to catch up on son re. plot to bring Dark Master back for shopping spre...er...to bring Dark Master back to take over the world in evil ways!

Apparently, all is quiet at school.

Son has been sending regular bitching reports about green-eyed boy. Have stopped reading them, of late, as all say same thing.

That son has no life whatsoever.

Am v. impatient about progress of plot and am v. disappointed that Basilisk has decided to stop playing hide and seek.

Two petrifications do not equate signs of rise of Dark Lord and is less than imposing to stand over frozen people, when self could happily be standing over dead pupils and waving flag for Dark Master, looking v. stylish while doing so.

And only one pupil.

One child and one cat.

Gah.

Wonder if it would be a little too obvious to go up to school, kill a few people when no one is looking and sneak back out, then pretend to be shocked when news comes out that `obviously´ it was the Heir of Slytherin.

Unfortunately, would be too much like effort.

Plus Gandalf-wannabe is know-it-all and has nothing better to do than watch for dark wizards coming to try and take over the world. Am not entirely sure what old fool does, apart from sit in his office and make... `wise´ comments about stuff that is completely pointless.

Suspect he works on hair (to try and outdo self - pah! Will never happen!), but he still has to learn that split ends and beards...badbadbad!

If diary starts working again soon, am hoping that Dark Lord will be back in time for the post Christmas and New Year sales, so self can make up for missed NYC trip with him, as welcome back gesture.

As for now, must go and humour wife over seating arrangement for feast some time next week.

Believe wife has invited bumbling nitwit Fudge out of respect for title of `Minister of Magic´, which will make meal v. v. v. amusing as self will practise quazi-evil-arch-browed-cool-look, while running hand over head of cane.

Is bound to get Fudge hot under collar, as Fudge is still fixated on stick. And self.

With house elves, women from wife´s former Witches Lib group, Minister of Magic, other governors all fancying self´s stunning arse, makes self wonder if there is a downside to being so lickable.

Hmm.

Nahhh.

Will write later. Must plot Fudge´s humiliation and pretend to listen to wife.