The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles of Lucius

Lonesome

Notes: This is the second time this chapter is being written. First one (and it was v. funny in my opinion) was eaten by the diskdrive monster, who decided my disk was unworthy of possessing such a file. Grr. Was not best pleased. Anyway, am rewriting this at 2.30am, cos I have no life and it's more fun than packing. Boo. No internet access/computer for a few weeks. Definitely not happy.

Also, happy holidays for everyone! Won't be posting any more story for a while cos of above reason, but hope you all have a fun time and don't get in too much trouble ;)

_________________________

September 1st 1992

Hair brushed (as usual). Evil glare pointless (wife is pleasant and son is no longer available as target). Robes suitable for seeing son onto very smelly and dirty steam train in public station (issued caution to son that bathing is essential as soon as is possible to reach dormitory or else son will turn into mini-house-master - greasy and sleazy git). Arse sore (Am suffering delayed side-effects of Twister. Have decided that when Dark Lord returns, will utilise game as a torture device equal to that of Cruciatus).

House is v. quiet.

Didn´t realise how much noise son made.

Actually, didn´t realise how much noise son made in response to noise that wife and self made.

Son is now on way to Hell.

Or school.

Am missing son.

Is v. odd feeling.

Have no target for evil glare in absence of son.

Am missing son commenting (usually in very high-pitched voice with look of shock and disgust) that wife and self are too old and wrinkly to be making noises like ones son heard from bedroom.

Will ignore sleight about being old wrinkly. Am as smooth as baby´s bum.

Alas, son is gone.

Wish son was not attending school run by silly old fool with v. bad hair, silly poofy beard, v. weird and silly hats and dressing gowns. Believe old man to be Gandalf-wannabe, but is too boring.

And lacks in nifty big stick!

Gandalf has nifty big stick, much like own cane.

Would like to meet Gandalf (might be fictional, but would be v. interesting).

Would also like to nick Gandalf´s v. spiffy stick! Would make co-workers v. jealous!

Friend in other country has cane too. Not as spiffy or evil as self´s cane or Gandalf´s cane, but is nice cane nonetheless.

Wish son was attending good school of friend.

Can´t stand thought of son being in same school as man with so many split ends.

Friend has decent school (and v. good hair) in Eastern Europe (v. cold but v. good for keeping complexion clear), but wife insists that son goes only to Hell, as wife would not want son to be far away from her.

Is silly, really.

Son spends all term at school so son is always away.

Think son´s departure might have affected wife´s braincell.

Also, have noticed house elf (one with v. long and hard nose) was missing from house when returned today. Stupid house elf has been sneaking off. Believe he may be having illicit affair with gnome in garden.

Will see to it that house elf gets punished.

Now, though, wife is moping.

Must make it manly duty to...comfort her.

Will write later.

~*~

September 2nd 1992

Hair in curlers (wife suggested it. Was too weak to refuse her). Evil glare on full power (although rather pointless). Robes replaced with casual robes, but still look damn fine (as always on self). Arse a little pruney around the edges, but v. much not wrinkly!

Son still ensconced in Hell and can stay there.

Received letter from son with morning post. Son was ranting about green-eyed boy once more (Potter. Must remember name - had to ask wife again. Wife gave me funny look again - claimed that evil fiends do not usually remember names of prey. Wife seemed satisfied. Felt rather dim).

Son has announced that son wants flying car for Christmas, so son can fly to school and crash into a tree and almost get squashed by same tree. Son believes he will not be expelled because...whats-his-n...Potter was not expelled for same stunt.

Son wishes to be squashed by tree? Well, will arrange for son to accompany self on trip to purchase Christmas tree and will strategically place son, so son can experience special moment of being smushed.

Will look like accident.

Although, positioning son in path of falling tree might look dubious to Ministry people and sincerely doubt they would believe, if I claimed that son `fell´ in front of tree, with snake-cane shaped dent on forehead.

Am not best pleased with ungrateful little son of a...well, ungrateful little evil-bastard son of an evil-bastard self, so should be proud, but no!

Son has decided that he is neglected child, as we have not provided flying car for him to look `cool´ in or allowed him to fly said car to school. Son demands flying car ASAP or son will complain of neglect (Flying car interesting idea, but would prefer flying Porsche. Would look v. good to travel to work in. Would make co-workers even more jealous of self).

Will smack son on head with cane when see son next!

Son has strategically forgotten purchase of seven broomsticks for son and team and am very keen to direct full force evil glare at greedy, grasping little brat that son is. If son was smart and evil, as he claims, son would steal car!

Want to glare at someone.

Am in v. good glare mood, but have no target and wife is still in fragile state.

Also, must attend meeting this afternoon.

V. boring.

Will take snake cane for amusement´s purpose and will strategically position cane to distract chief speaker at meeting.

Have sneaking suspicion that petting head of cane will work a treat.

Find it v. amusing to cause distraction, esp. with v. nifty snake cane!

Other Ministry people admire cane. Have suspicion that my presence is requested at many meetings simply so cane will also be in attendance. Cane is venerated among other Ministry types.

Will taunt them with it!

However, while talented at taunting and fondling cane, will not taunt sufficiently to be ganged up on by group of mad Aurors or be Avada´ed by fellow co-workers, who desire cane for themselves.

Considering it, cane is v. v. v. popular, yet cane looks evil.

Sod that!

Cane is evil!

Cane possesses dark and v. seductive, v. evil power that draws all weak-minded fools to it with desire to possess it for selves! And cane is mine, all mine! Am in possession of the one cane.

And have just realised that I am first person to succumb to cane´s power.

Bugger.

Am not weak-minded fool!

Will stop writing now, before making self look stupider.

~*~

September 3rd 1992

Hair fine and NOT TOO LONG! (Wife desires to cut hair and dye sections of it black! Can not perform glamorously fiendish hair flip if hair is short and looks like a badger´s arse!). Evil glare suitably menacing (keeping wife at bay with wand). Robes replaced with suit (look v. dashing). Arse could do with work.

Am bored.

Am v. v. bored.

Despite desire to push son in path of falling tree, am missing son´s feeble attempts at evil glares over breakfast and having chance to show son real evil glare and make him fall under table in terror.

Day feels oddly empty.

Not even glaring at co-workers matches glaring at and taunting of son.

Am missing having target.

Was so desperate to direct evil glare at worthy target that I resorted to mirror on wife´s dresser in bedroom. Mirror laughed at patheticness of evil glare and made self feel even more depressed than before.

Mirror now in pieces.

Will have to explain to wife.

Glared at shards of broken mirror.

Broken shards also laughed.

Am bored and depressed.

Aha!

Will find Fudge!

Fudge is always amusing target for evil glare, as Fudge has v. odd delusion that wife and self are respectable citizens and having an evil glare directed from self is an unnerving experience for silly old plonker.

Fudge is only Ministry person able to receive full evil glare, as is so stupid that is not aware that evil glare is truly evil.

Believe Fudge will honestly be surprised when Dark Lord arrives to kill him (Dark Lord hated Fudge (and toffee, but is unimportant now). Dark Lord v. jealous of anyone with hair (esp. self), but Dark Lord v. v. v. jealous of anyone with v. good hair in v. stupid style like Fudge) and wife and self are standing in background waving pompoms and flags.

Will invest in cheerleader costume after all.

For wife, of course!

Wife will dislike idea, naturally. Wife despises female exploitation, esp. of herself, so will be forced to win her round with nice words, flattering promises, charisma and charm and, if all fail, then will resort to imperius.

Evil glare no longer works on wife.

Wife is immune.

Other Ministry people receive chin-tilted-cynical-raising-of-eyebrow-combined-with-sneer glare (is v. effective glare and can be performed without risk of being arrested as is case with full power evil glare) but Fudge...

Fudge will receive evil glare.

Fudge also has strange affection for cane and have been forced on several occasions to smack him on knuckles for trying to filch cane. Only made matters worse. Suspect that Fudge likes being smacked on knuckles.

Will take cane and glare evilly at Fudge, while fondling cane. Suspect it will provide an interesting reaction. Am evil on so many levels!

Will write later on success of experiment.

~*~

September 24th 1992

Hair torn out in clumps (frustration not new fashion trend). Evil glare directed at house elf (one with long hard nose - cannot forget nose. Arse still quivers in terror at memory of nose). Robes on body and looking good. Arse ready to be strutted around house in triumph.

Have got Dia...er...Chronicles back!

Bloody house elf filched book three weeks ago and finally caught the little bugger.

In weeks since last wrote, have been turning house upside down to find little book but only found it when house elf resorted to explosives in attempt to break past sealing spells and locks on book.

Many explosions from kitchen and house elf blasting through the wall into breakfast this morning, with book gripped in hands confirmed suspicion that house elf was up to something (Am so smart to notice these things!).

Ha!

Stupid house elf outwitted not by v. complicated spells to protect precious Chronicles, but by small, pink, plastic, heart-shaped padlock on book! (Is v. v. v. v. butch pink heart-shaped padlock!)

When asked why he nicked book, house elf claims it was looking for more news on plots against Harry Potter (must remember name! Must!), but am seriously sceptical of house elf´s claim.

Believe that house elf was searching for blackmail material re. self´s own opinion of son, wife and ministry people, so house elf might be able to try and bribe better working conditions for self.

House elf too stupid to come up with plan to save Harry Potter by self.

House elf v. v. silly.

Will glare some more, as was forced to enter house elf quarters much to disgust of self and found other house elves having raucous party after someone spiked drinks with butterbeer (am certain elf-stripper was present. V. disturbing for self). Was forced to break party up and felt sufficiently evil when doing so.

Managed to resist urge to cackle in evil fashion.

Settled for evil smirk as house elves complained.

Also found out where Twister game was. Have a bunch of kleptomaniacs as unpaid staff! Would fire them all, but is so much easier to smack them around with cane and evilly glare (Actually, am v. evil. Have cast spell on Twister board so that v. stupid house elves can not stop playing Twister until I say so. Am way too evil for mere mortal comprehension! Go me!).

Anyway, must deal with chief klepto and make notes to keep Chronicles somewhere less obvious in room.

Have decided that under pillow is obviously most secure place (will place anti-house-elf spells around bed to protect book (and wife from nose)). Am still v. amused that stupid house elf was foiled by padlock.

Do believe house elf deserves to be kicked down stairs for being thieving little sod.

Impressive!

House elf didn´t bounce until second bottom step!

V. good range!

Believe that new shoes and pure, unfettered rage were conducive.

Have missed Chronicles and house elf has learned lesson about pinching Master´s favourite book.

Will be sure to keep Chronicles updated regularly.

Now, though, will have fun with torture session, then hide book safely in bed.

Will write more later - for now, must continue to issue punishment and wrath on all unfortunate underlings, while looking v. glamorous and dashing, with v. pretty hair and v. pretty arse.