Harry Potter & The Daughter of Malfoy

Chapter Eight - The Right Words

"I wish we could have told Draco about you."

"I don´t."

"Me either."

Narcissa, toying with her spoon, sighed heavily and looked from her husband to Harry. "I don´t know why you can´t make an effort to try and like him. He really isn´t all that bad."

As usual, for their evening meal, they were sitting in the dining room. Lucius was at one end of the table, Narcissa at the other, with Harry halfway down one side, facing the fireplace in the opposite wall, where a merry fire was crackling.

The subject was, of course, the youngest Malfoy.

"He tried to hex me when my back was turned in fourth year."

"Shows initiative and Slytherin cunning," Narcissa countered.

"He is an obnoxious little twit."

Grey eyes met grey in annoyance. "Learned that from his father."

"Hexed my best friends."

"They probably deserved it."

Lucius smirked and said," Stole your favourite, specially-made silk and leather underwear to sell off in the Slytherin Common room."

Narcissa´s eyes went wide. "He did WHAT!?!?"

"You heard, Ciss," Lucius snickered, smirking. "He´s hacked up your favourite knickers without even noticing that they seemed to have a hell of a lot more crotch space than a woman´s should..."

Harry was watching Narcissa warily, wondering if it might be safe to try and make a run for freedom.

He had never seen Narcissa truly angry before, but now, her eyes were bulging, her teeth were clenched together in a snarl and her nails were actually gouging large chips out of the surface of the table.

"I had to get MEASURED for those bloody things!" she bellowed, surging to her feet and slamming both palms down on the table. "I´m not having some sleazy French tailor grabbing at my knob again just because my son decides to auction off my bloody underwear without even letting me know if I´ve made a profit or not!

"Oh, come now, Ciss," Lucius interrupted calmly, an amused glint in his eyes, as he sipped from his cup of black coffee. "Surely Draco isn´t all that bad..."

Harry would have slid under the table and out of sight if his belly had allowed it.

The fury on Narcissa´s face beyond anything he had ever seen before. The only thing that came close was Snape on a bad day and he knew he would face a thousand of Snape´s bad days than Narcissa in a rage.

"Dear Narcissa," A new and altogether horribly familiar voice murmured from the shadows of the room. The trio at the table went rigid. "Always so attached to the little things, aren´t you, pretty one?"

Harry looked wildly down the table at Lucius, who had gone white as a sheet. The cup he was holding slipped from his hand, shattering deafeningly on the floor, chips of ceramic bouncing on the stone.

"And Lucius, my friend, it has been quite some time since we have had the pleasure of your company at our...gatherings."

Crapcrapcrapcrap...

This couldn´t be happening.

Why did he have to show up?

Why couldn´t he have just gone and...

Harry couldn´t imagine something that the Dark Lord could have done instead of appearing in the Malfoys´ home, but anything that meant he was away from Harry´s new family...

Lucius gestured with a shaking hand for him to hide under the table, before he was noticed and he nodded, swallowing hard as he tried to suck in his stomach and slip down in his chair.

From his hiding place, he saw the figure gliding forward from the shadows in an utterly terrifying fashion, clothed in dark robes that pooled around his feet like puddles of black silk.

To anyone else, it would have been terrifying.

Unfortunately, Harry couldn´t help remembering half the things that the Malfoys had told him.

Pink lacy thong.

Rolled up gym sock.

Distinct lack in manly parts.

Girly squeal when accosted by pregnant muggles.

He tried not to laugh out loud, he really tried.

Unfortunately, the pregnancy seemed to be taking his normal emotions and reactions and putting them up to full power and he had to stuff a fist in his mouth before the choked giggles would stop.

Grabbing the corner of his robes, Harry hastily stuffed it into his mouth and tried to convince himself that this was a serious situation, in spite of tears of laughter that were rolling down his face, his body shaking with the force of his mirth.

He couldn´t even stop laughing when a he saw something slithering across the floor towards him.

Nagini, Voldemort´s pet snake, the creature who had once terrified him.

It was slithering towards him, a wicked look in it´s eye and it was...

Harrry let loose a great peal of laughter, unable to hold it in anymore.

Rocking back and forward, his stomach aching from trying to keep his amusement silent, Harry pointed at the snake and simply cracked up all over again, rolling onto his side and slapping his hand on the floor.

Everything was just so absurdly funny!

He had completely forgotten that only he and Voldemort could understand the snake and right now, he was the only one that could hear Nagini whistling a badly-out-of-tune and utterly bastardised version of the Great Escape theme.

The robed figure by the table bent at the waist and peered under the table, scarlet eyes going wide with undisguised surprise.

Harry took one look at Voldemort´s startled face and burst out laughing, pointing at the Dark Wizard.

Everything was hilarious!

It was great!

"Lucius," he heard Voldemort hiss. Oh God! He hissed! He sounded like a badly made kettle! How bloody funny was that! "Would you be kind enough to inform me what Harry Potter is doing under your table?"

Dying of laughter, Harry mentally yelled for Lucius to reply.

"I-I...Harry Potter, master?"

"Yes, Lucius," Voldemort repeated. "Harry Potter. He is rolling about on the floor under your dining room table with his robes in his mouth and seems to be having some kind of psychotic episode."

Lucius and Narcissa both peered under the table at him and Harry wished he could have stopped laughing long enough to actually tell them what was so funny. They, though, looked absolutely petrified.

"Looks like you´re going to have to come out, Harry," Lucius muttered, stretching out a hand, which Harry managed to take a hold of on his third attempt, still shaking with uncontrollable giggles.

Helped to his feet unsteadily by the Malfoys, he pressed his lips together in a vain attempt to smother his amusement but couldn´t stop sniggering as Voldemort slowly approached him.

"Harry Potter..."

"You remember my name! Well done!"

Whatever Voldemort had been expecting, it certainly wasn´t that. Red eyes narrowed a little.

"Would you be so kind as to inform me what you are doing here?"

Harry, swallowing a giggle, smiled broadly. "No."

"Harry..." Lucius whispered urgently. "Don´t do anything stupid."

It was the terrified tone in his substitute father´s voice that made Harry realise just how frightened Lucius and Narcissa were for him. They thought...they thought he was going to die tonight.

"I´m afraid its a little late for that, Malfoy," Voldemort murmured, his eyes never leaving Harry´s face. His wand, though, was turned to Lucius. "But first, perhaps we should remind you were your loyalties lie, Lucius."

Harry´s hand snapped up and grabbed Voldemort´s wrist. "I wouldn´t do that if I were you, dinky dick," he said with a oddly manic smile.

Voldemort´s already white face went a shade paler. "How did you...?" Scarlet eyes turned to Lucius. "You," he hissed. "Crucio!"

Lucius screamed as he was hit by the curse, crashing onto the floor.

Then Voldemort screamed as he was kicked - hard - in the almost non-existent nads, doubling over and dropping his wand.

"Told you I wouldn´t do that if I were you, small balls," Harry said in a low growl, green eyes flashing. "Nobody hurts Lucius Malfoy. Nobody, do you hear me? Not you, not his ungrateful bastard of a son! NOBODY! I told you not to touch him and what did you go and do? You only went and put the bloody torture curse on him! And here we were, meant to believe that you were smart and you can´t even take basic instructions!" Red eyes squinted at him in utter confusion. "Nobody touches the father of my baby!"

With a very feeble squeak, hands still clutched to his groin, Voldemort dropped onto his knees.

"And you!" Harry yelled at Nagini, who had changed theme tunes and was trying to for Dambusters. "Would you stop that bloody whistling! You´re going the right way for a smacked bottom!" The snake curled up in a sulky ball under the table. "Lucius? Are you all right?"

"You kicked him in the nuts..."

Harry grinned. "I just imagined it was you and gave myself a larger target."

Lucius went crimson. "I knew that bloody submarine wasn´t big en..." His eyes were looking beyond Harry. "Harry!"

"You..." Turning, Harry started when the tip of Voldemort´s wand jabbed against his chest. "I should have done this...years ago, boy...Avada..."

"Oh no, you bloody well don´t!" Harry snapped, slapping the wand away, a haze of red dropping in front of his eyes. "Just because you have no life and got yourself fried because you like killing babies and then spend all this time pissing about and moaning about your inability to kill me doesn´t mean I´m just going to stand here like a fanny and take it when you finally come face to face with me!"

Voldemort blinked at him, then tried again. "Avad..."

"What part of `No, you don´t´ did you just miss, you bloody willyless tit-sucker?"

Tit-sucker?

Harry, what are you on about, mate?

At least learn some proper cusses before you try and insult the Dark Lord guy.

"Look, will you just stay still so I can kill you already?" Again, Voldemort´s wand came up. "Ava..."

"LOOK yourself!" Harry slapped Voldemort across the top of his head as vehement exclamation. "I´ve had it up to hear with you trying to bloody well kill me!" SLAP! "If you had done things the old-fashioned way," SLAP! "With a machine gun," SLAP! "Or even a bloody knife," SLAP! "I wouldn´t have had half as traumatic a life as I´ve had already!"

SLAPSLAPSLAP!

"Stop that! I´m trying to kill you!"

"You´re doing a bloody brilliant job of it," SLAP "Aren´t you," SLAP "You snake-faced," SLAP! "Sock-stuffed-thong-wearing," SLAP! "Guinea pig?" SLAPSLAPSLAP!

"Stoppit!"

"What?" Harry yelled hysterically, slapping Voldemort several times across the head with both hands for good measure and wondering briefly if his wrists looked as limp as they seemed to. "Stop this? I don´t want to stop this! I like doing this! And its making your head go pink! Did you know that? Your head is going pink!"

Why, he wondered, did he slap like a girl when he was wound up like this?

And what the hell was he babbling about?

Pink? Who gave a crap of it was pink?

Waitaminute...Voldemort...pink thong...

The laughter hit him again like a physical blow.

The wand was pointed at him again.

"Don´t you even think about trying that again, you great big poopoohead!" Harry screeched, grabbing the wand and hurling it straight into the fireplace, where it was devoured by the flames. "And you ruined my fun, you wanker!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Voldemort screamed, lunging forwards to try and retrieve his wand, only to get yanked back by a very irate, very flushed and very hormonally-charged Harry Potter.

"What is this?" Harry demanded, kicking the Dark Lord in the shin. "Star Wars?"

"Get off! Get away!"

Voldemort wriggled free and tried to flee, but Harry chased after him, waddling faster than any pregnant person the Malfoys had seen before, slapping at Voldemort and shrieking, "Hallo! My name is Harry Potter! You killed my father! And my mother! And apparently my uncle Gordon, cousin Leanne, aunt Doris and various miscellaneous other family members too! Prepare to die!"

Leaning on Narcissa several paces away, Lucius grinned at his wife. "We should have sold tickets for this. We would have made a bloody mint," he said, as Harry enthusiastically bitch-slapped the squealing Voldemort around the room.

"Poopoohead! Willyless wonder! Doofus! Dorkhead!"

Narcissa winced. "We would probably have made more if the boy knew some proper insults, though," she said, helping Lucius to his feet. Both of them stepped back as Voldemort tried to flee in the other direction. "You all right, Luce?"

"Of course," He grinned. "Now, how about we leave Harry and his...friend to play?"

"NO!" A black-robed blur sped in front of them before they could move. Voldemort was on his knees in front of Lucius and Narcissa, grabbing at their robes with wild-eyed desperation. "Don´t leave me here! Not with him!"

"Lucius," Harry said, standing on the other side of the room, a very wicked glimmer in his eyes. "Perhaps, before you leave, you can prompt my...special friend to say the right words....?"

"Right words...?"

Harry nodded slowly, a smile creeping onto his lips, his eyes slitted.

Helping Voldemort onto his feet, Lucius dusted him down. "He´ll let you out of here, if you know what to say to him, Master," he muttered to the Dark Lord, who nodded, staring wildly at Harry. "He´s looking remarkably slim nowadays, wouldn´t you say?"

Voldemort stared at Lucius, then at Harry, as if they were both crazy which - given the circumstances - might have been a fairly accurate assessment.

"What are you talking about, Malfoy?" he demanded bitterly. "The boy looks like a beached whale! He´s bloody enormous! I haven´t seen anyone that fat in ages!"

Releasing Voldemort´s arm, Lucius quickly backed away with Narcissa. "That may be true, boss," he called as they made a break for the door, not even daring to look in Harry´s direction. "But he´s also pregnant!"

The look of sheer terror on Voldemort´s face was priceless as they closed the door on him and Harry´s scream shook the walls of Malfoy Manor.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY I´M FAT!"

***

Thus ended the muchly evil and naughty-filled life of Tom Riddle, aka the dark Lord Voldemort aka da dinky dick meister (only to his close friends, though), bitchslapped to his all too timely death by the famous Harry Potter.

And there was much rejoicing.

Yey.

And the lesson of this part of our tale - NEVER, if you value your sanity and your hide, tell a pregnant hormonal timebomb that they look fat.