HP and Hermione's Insatiable Appetite for Quidditch Players

One day, Harry Potter looked outside his window in his dormitory and said, "Yawn! What a great day to play Quidditch!" But seeing as how it was Quidditch off-season, he abandoned that idea right away. "What to do? What to do?"

He looked around at his friend Ron, who was having a dream about Viktor Krum, Hermione's boyfriend. He was thrashing around, muttering, "Leave her alone. She loves me!!"

But Harry knew very well that Hermione did indeed love Viktor Krum. He had in fact found out that Hermione had an Athlete fetish, and went after any guy who flew a broom. He knew this because one day he was alone in the changing room, or so he thought. He heard the door open and close and he thought that it was just Wood coming in to give him a pep talk, but it was Hermione. Harry was standing in the middle of the floor with his pants at his feet when Hermione flew at him and started assaulting him with a rash set of kisses. "Hey Harry, do you want me to polish your broomstick for you?"

Harry was appalled at his best friend's behavior. "Hermione, what the hell's going on?" he asked.

"I love you, Harry! And I love the Weasley twins and I love Oliver Wood and I love all the people on all the Quidditch teams! I want to screw them all!"

Harry was shocked at her yells of madness and threw her off. "Even Malfoy? And Cho Chang? And Katie and Angelina and Alicia?" he asked.

"Yes!" she yelled. "Anything for the game of Quidditch!"

He looked at her shockingly and asked, "Hermione? Do you even know how to play Quidditch?"

She shook her head and said, "No! But I LOVE QUIDDITCH PLAYERS!"

Harry decided that Hermione was insane and said, " You know what, we can't tell Ron about this because he loves you, Hermione."

" I thought as much," she mused, still laying on the ground. "Oh, well, I tried my best to lure you with my charms. But you refuse!" She began to cry. But a few seconds later she got off the floor and said, "Oh, well, there's always Wood..." she turned around to go but Harry motioned for her to stay.

"Wait! Okay! Go ahead and sleep with all the people on the Quidditch teams, but don't tell Ron because he'll be heartbroken."

She pursed her lips and said, "Deal."

From then on out, Hermione didn't care for homework. She still managed to come out at the top of every class, but at the same time was very busy bedding all the male Quidditch players in the school. Pretty soon, she had ruined everyone except Harry and the female players. "Hermione, you have to stop doing this! You are getting a really bad reputation!" Harry said to her one day.

"I don't care. I LOVE QUIDDITCH!"

Harry left Ron in the dormitory to continue his dream and he went into the common room to find Hermione crying. "Hermione, what's wrong?" he asked, looking worried.

"It's Malfoy! When I slept with him, he gave me some kind of horrible disease." Harry wanted to back away, but remained where he stood.

"Er- What kind of disease?"

She flung herself across a couch. "It's too horrible to say!" Harry decided that she was best left alone.

Harry went down to breakfast to find Malfoy alone at the Slytherin table. Harry went over to Malfoy and sat down. "Okay, Malfoy. What kind of disease did you give Hermione?" he asked, peering into Malfoy's face.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Potter. I have no diseases." Malfoy buttered a piece of toast and handed it to Harry.

"Well, that's not what she said! She said you gave her a disease, and she won't even talk about it!" Harry looked into Malfoy's face once more, and Malfoy poured Harry a glass of orange juice.

"Ohh. I know what disease you're talking about. And if you must know, I really didn't want to give it to her. I was saving it for Pansy Parkinson," Malfoy drawled, piling some bacon onto Harry's plate.

"Well, what kind of disease did you give her?"

Malfoy smirked and simply said, "Love." Harry dropped the bacon in shock. "LOVE? You mean... she... you! Love? You know how to love?"

Malfoy smirked again, and reached across the table to tuck a napkin into Harry's shirt front. "Yes, Potter, I know how to love. In fact, I'm quite the ladies man."

Harry marveled at how calm Malfoy remained. "Well... do you love her? I mean, that is to say..." Harry was at a loss of words.

"Would it upset you if I was?" asked Malfoy with a glint of fire in his eyes.

"Well...yeah!"

Malfoy reached over and dropped a fried egg onto Harry's plate. "Well, I'm sorry then, Potter, because it's true. I love the little Mudblood, and there's nothing she, you, or I can do about it.

"Well, run along then," Malfoy continued, wiping Harry's mouth.

"Uh, thanks," said Harry, getting up and throwing down three galleons. "Here's a little something for your troubles." Malfoy winked at Harry and licked his lips. Harry started to wonder if Malfoy was perhaps a little gay.

Harry went back to the common room, to find Hermione still huddled up on the couch. "Listen, Hermione," Harry started. " I know that you love Malfoy, but it's really not so bad!

" Well, I mean, yeah, it is pretty weird, but Malfoy's one hell of a swingin' cat, and a real stand-up guy to boot!" Harry lied, petting Hermione's hair.

"Oh, yes, very 'stand up.' He's so stand-up, he could work at a comedy club. Honestly Harry, why does this sort of thing always happen to me?"

Harry thought. And he thought and he thought and he thought. Then he said, "Because you're friends with me, and I'm the Boy Who Lived! Everything happens to me and my friends. And besides, Hermione, he loves you, too! He even told me so!"

Hermione looked up at him and gave a weak smile. "Really, Harry?"

Harry grimly nodded. "But trust me, he's not happy about being in love with you."

Hermione smiled at this. "I wouldn't imagine as much. Seeing as how he was gay," she said. " Harry, I think he really fancied you before he fell in love with me."

Harry laughed, remembering the wink. "Shall we have a threesome, then?" Harry asked, jokingly.

"Why not?" asked Hermione, smiling.

Harry was about to tell her that he had been joking, but then remembered number twenty-three on his to do list; "Have a threesome with Hermione, various." He had originally wanted to write Ron instead of various, but realized that he might have instead wanted another girl, but he wasn't sure whether Hermione would have been up to it. If it could have been another person, he wouldn't have picked Malfoy, but seeing as how all three of the parties seemed to imply that it was a good idea, he decided why not?