I Dream of Fandom

Part Two: The Hufflepoofs...I mean Puffs.

Ernie McMillan entered the Hufflepuff common room to discover his best friend Justin Finch-Fletchly staring morosely into the fireplace. He seemed to be contemplating death. But then again he usually was.

"What's the matter, Justin?" Ernie asked.

"Everyone thinks I'm gay," said Justin gloomily. "Maybe I should just paint a big red 'G' on all of my robes."

Ernie was concerned. Justin launched into one of his 'Everyone thinks I'm gay' rants at least once a week, but this time he seemed genuinely depressed about it. He was talking about red paint, and that never boded well.

"I thought we've been through this," Ernie said sensibly. "No one thinks you're gay."

"Oh yes we do!" called a new voice.

"Shut up, Zacharias," Ernie growled as the blond Chaser entered the room. If Zacharias couldn't catch a Quaffle, Ernie would have killed him already. Attempting to ignore the fact that Zacharias had his hair parted like Malfoy, he said to Justin, "Why do you think that?"

"Because it's true," said Zacharias, attempting to look innocent.

"It's my hyphenated last name," Justin said without apparently having heard him. "And the fact that I thought Lockheart was brilliant. Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the greenhouse-"

"With a garden hose," joked Zacharias. Ernie was beginning to contemplate a death of his own.

"No one thinks you're gay, Justin," Ernie said.

"Do so," Justin nodded. "Don't tell me you haven't had one of those dreams."

"What dreams?" asked Ernie, perplexed.

"Yeah, what dreams?" Zacharias seemed genuinely curious.

Justin looked back and forth between them, gaping. "Are you serious? Neither of you have had one of those dreams where you're in someone's story and they do whatever they like with you?"

"Can't say that I have," Ernie said, scratching his head.

"That doesn't sound so bad to me," said Zacharias.

"It's bad." Justin shuddered. "Oh, it's horrible."

"What's horrible?"

Hannah Abbot and Susan Bones had just come into the Common room and took seats on the yellow sofa on either side of Justin.

"Those dreams," he said, shuddering again. Hannah gasped and Susan clasped a hand to her mouth.

"You've had them too?" Ernie asked. "Why haven't I?"

"Or me?" Zacharias chimed in.

Susan rolled her eyes at him. "Because as far as all those insane people are concerned, you didn't exist for four years. I wish they were right."

"Hey!" Zacharias attempted to look insulted and failed miserably.

"Be grateful," Hannah said, shivering slightly. "Ooh, they're terrible!" She looked like she was about to cry. "Poor Cedric!"

"Diggory?" said Zacharias.

"What about Cedric?" Ernie asked, giving Zacharias a small shove off his perch on the arm of a chair.

"They put him in their stories! Can't they let him rest in peace for Merlin's sake?" Susan said angrily.

"Let's go over this one more time," Zacharias said slowly, as if he were speaking to a group of small children. "You have dreams about yourself and Cedric. What happens in these dreams?"

Justin groaned. "I'm always gay. I had a dream last night where I went drag for a beauty contest--and I won."

Zacharias started laughing uncontrollably, and Ernie covered his mouth to stifle the noise. He frowned in thought.

"You know, now that you mention it, I think I've dreamt about myself as Head Boy, but I thought that was just my subconscious."

There was a mutter of, "Of course you pompous blow-hard," but everyone ignored it.

"There have been dreams about you, Ernie," Hannah said, wiping her eyes. "I know, because you've been my boyfriend in some of them."

Ernie and Hannah looked at one another and simultaneously shook their heads. "Nah."

"I'm evil," Susan said, making a face. "It seems like every time a Hufflepuff turns, it's me. I don't know why. My relatives were murdered by You-Know-Who for Merlin's sake!"

Zacharias had recovered from his laughing fit. "Don't you ever have nice dreams?"

"I'm gay," Justin replied, staring even more intently into the fire. "Always."

Susan shrugged. "I don't have them that often, but I'm either evil or a random female used to fill in plot holes. All of us girls work overtime in their twisted minds since there are fewer girls than boys at Hogwarts."

"No there aren't," Zacharias said, looking confused.

"As far as they're concerned there are."

"Alas," cried Hannah. Everyone jumped. "We are the forgotten House!"

Ernie appeared to be trying to think of other instances where he had had those strange dreams, apparently annoyed by the fact that he was left out. He decided to go to bed in the hope that he would dream of himself winning a duel with Draco Malfoy. He left.

Zacharias just shook his head.

"You're all barking mad. Mass hysteria, that's what this is. I'm off to bed."

He took off down the corridor to his dormitory when he heard a cry.

"But I'm gay!"

Zacharias just rolled his eyes and kept going.

Moping, Justin had just about resigned himself to a life of loneliness when Hannah put a comforting hand on his arm, and Susan hugged him.

"We don't think you're gay, Justin," Hannah soothed.

"Really?" he asked, daring to hope.

"Sure," replied Susan.

"Then would either of you go out on a date with me?" he asked eagerly.

Both girls made a face.

"What, are you mad?" Hannah asked, giggling. "Come on, Susan, maybe now we'll dream about Draco Malfoy!"

They ran off laughing to their dormitory leaving Justin all alone in the common room, still staring blankly at the fireplace.

"Everyone thinks I'm gay!" he wailed.

"Well, at least you aren't dead," said the ghost of Cedric Diggory.

Justin fainted.