I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today!

Chapter 2

After Hermione left, Ron picked up a copy of Flying with the Cannons, trying to forget about their little...conversation.

Twenty-seven! She went down on twenty-seven guys! And I'm number twenty-seven! Ugh...

The door opened, and Ron looked up. A very irritated-looking man came in and slammed some wizard movies down on the counter. (Wizard movies were just like Muggle movies, except that if you talked during the movie, the actors would turn to you and tell you to shut up, or shout at you if they thought you weren't paying attention.) The titles on the coverboxes said Who Am I? starring Gilderoy Lockhart, and Sleeping with the Slytherins, starring Blaise Zabini.

"I thought that place was supposed to open at eleven? It's half past, now!" said the man, waving towards the WizardVideo shop across the street.

"What are you telling me for?" snapped Ron. "I don't work there."

"I wish I had such an easy job...sit around on my arse all day and watch videos."

"Hey now," said Ron.

"Well?" said the man. "It's not like he's the Boy Who Lived or anything!"

"Actually," said Ron, "he IS The Boy Who Lived. You know, the one who killed old Voldie a couple years ago? So I guess he deserves to be a slacker now, if he wants."

"Whatever," said the man. "At least he actually did something...here you are fucking around in this bloody convenience store all day, 'stead of working at a real job. You make sure the little layabout gets these checked in, you got that?" He turned and left the store in a huff.

*****

At twelve noon, Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived to be a Slacker, strolled into Gred and Forge's Quik-Stop Wizard Convenience store, whistling "I'm Too Sexy."

"About bloody time you got here, Harry," snapped Ron, slamming Flying With the Cannons down onto the counter. "Did you get my owl?"

"What owl?" said Harry. "You still going to be able go get out of here to play Quidditch today?"

"I damn well better. Here," he said, shoving the movies over to Harry, "go open the store already."

"Why are the shutters closed?"

"Someone jammed Drooble's Best in the lock," said Ron.

"Bunch of savages in this town," said Harry. "Hell, if I'd known you were working, I'd have stayed in bed." He wrinkled his nose. "What's that stink?"

"Salamander grease, now shut up and go open the store."

*****

A little while later, Harry came back into the store, whistling the Sesame Street theme.

"Will you stop that stupid whistling, Harry? You're giving me a headache," said Ron.

"I can't help it," said Harry, grabbing a bottle of pumpkin juice out of the cooler. "It's part of the Idiot Curse that arse-wipe Voldemort put on me before I killed him. I can't get rid of the damn thing. I have no motivation, no shopping agenda, I swear for no reason, and I constantly whistle annoying songs."

"What an evil bastard," said Ron.

"Who was in your fireplace at two-thirty this morning?" asked Harry. "I was trying to call you."

"What for?"

"I wanted to borrow your dad's new flying car. So who was it?"

"Don't ask."

"Oh, I see...you called Fleur Delacour again, didn't you?" Harry smirked. "You better not let Hermione find out. It'll take you ten years to get all the curses off."

"No way. I've fought enough with Hermione for one day, thank you very much."

"You? Hermione? Fight? Surely you jest."

"Shut up, Harry."

"Were you fighting about Fleur?"

"Not this time," said Ron.

"Enlighten me," said Harry, leaning against the counter. "How long have you been with Hermione now?"

"Almost a year."

"And how long were you with Fleur?"

"Two years," said Ron.

"And she cheated on you how many times?"

"Eight and a half," said Ron, pouting.

"Eight and a half?" said Harry. "How do you cheat half a time?"

"You know that party in the Astronomy Tower after the Leaving Feast seventh year? When all the old Gryffindors came back and brought ten cases of Ogden's Firewhiskey? I got drunk and Fleur started making out with me."

"That's not cheating."

"Well, just when we were, you know, she called me Charlie."

Harry choked on his juice. "Charlie?"

"Yep. I lit the lamps and she freaked out. She thought I was my brother Charlie."

"Holy shit. I didn't know you Weasleys were that much alike."

"We can't help it we're all so sexy. Runs in the family."

"Damn!" said Harry in amazement. "I knew I liked your family for some reason."

"You want to hear something funny? Charlie was actually down in the broomshed with Oliver Wood."

"Oliver Wood!"

"Yep. They live in a commune in Romania now. They're studying dragons there."

"She drove the man to slash. What a shame. Still, what do you want to be talking to her for? I know she's a veela and all, but..."

"Hey, other than the cheating, we had a good thing going," said Ron defensively.

"Oooo-kaaaay," said Harry, rolling his eyes.

"I'm serious, we did."

"Yeah, right. You think you'd get along better now?"

"Sure. And you know, I think Hermione and I have been fighting so much for a reason. It's time for us to split up. We just weren't meant to be. Two people who bicker and fight as much as we do could never get along in real life. Don't you read the subtext?"

"And you and Fleur are on the same brainwave, right?"

"We sure are," said Ron happily.

"Then the four of you better sit down and talk about it," said Harry.

"The four of us?" asked Ron.

"You, Hermione, Fleur - "

He slammed a copy of the Daily Prophet down on the counter...

" - and Fleur's fiancé."

The headline on the paper said:

DELACOUR TO WED HOGWARTS POTIONS MASTER