I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today!

The room was a wreck. There were robes, cloaks, and spellbooks all over the floor. The walls were covered with large posters featuring orange-clad Quidditch players zooming about, and a small, puffy owl slept on a perch in the corner. Ron Weasley lay facedown on the bed, snoring, still wearing his cloak. He'd had a long night of drinking with his Gryffindor friends, and he was exhausted.

"Ron, wake up!" said a voice. "Ron!"

Ron sat up groggily, holding his head (which didn't feel too bad, considering the amount he'd drunk the night before) and looked at the fireplace, where his brother George's face was hovering in the flames.

"Ickle Ronniekins! There you are!" said George. "Listen, I need a favour. I was supposed to work at the store this morning, but something came up. Fred's out of town, and I can't get anyone else to come in...I need you to come in this morning for me, just for a bit."

Ron groaned. "Aw, George! I'm bloody tired! I've got stuff to do today! And Harry and I were going to play Quidditch at three o'clock!"

"Come on, Ron, this is important. I promise I'll be back by three, and you can go play. Honest. Please say you'll do it!" begged George.

"But I'm fucking tired!" whined Ron.

"Ron, it's a Tuesday morning. Almost no one comes in the store on a Tuesday morning; you'll hardly have to lift a finger. I really need this favour!" George was getting impatient.

"Oh, alright," snapped Ron, digging through the clothes on the floor for a relatively clean robe. "But you owe me bigtime."

"That's my Ronniekins," grinned George, and he disappeared with a soft pop! sound.

After sending Pig the owl off with a message to Harry about the slight change of plans, Ron stomped down the stairs (not caring that his mom and sister were still asleep), grabbed a Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Breakfast Bar from a jar on the kitchen counter, and headed out to the broomshed. He climbed onto his broomstick and set off for Gred and Forge's Qwick-Stop Wizard Convenience Store. He felt slightly nauseous as he zoomed through the clouds, but he knew the twins kept a supply of Instant Hangover Relieving Potion under the counter at the shop.

"Bloody hell, what's this!" Ron exclaimed as he landed in front of the shop. The store had steel shutters covering the large front window when the store wasn't open (there had been several break ins in the last few months owing to the fact that this was the only Wizard Convenience Store that carried an extensive selection of prank items). Whoever had the pleasure of opening the store in the morning had to unlock the shutters and roll them back out of sight. But what Ron was looking at was the lock - it had been crammed with what looked like Drooble's Best Blowing Gum. He pulled out his wand and said "Waddiwasi!" - but nothing happened. He tried the Alohomora Charm as well, but it didn't work either. "Bunch of fucking savages in this town," he muttered as he unlocked the door (mercifully free of gum) and went in the store.

Since he couldn't get the shutters open, the store looked like it was closed. He had to find something to make a sign with to let people know that they were, indeed, open for business. He hunted around the store, and after a while, he found an old sheet and a jar of black salamander grease. Ron would have preferred something less smelly than salamander grease, but as the store was supposed to open in five minutes, he didn't have much choice. He took the sheet outside, spread it on the ground, and wrote I Assure You, We Are Open! in giant, scrawling letters, then used his wand to float the sheet up and attach it to the wall. Then he went inside and tried to get the salamander grease off his hands with Mrs. Skower's All Purpose Magical Mess Remover; the black stain came off but the smell wouldn't go away no matter how hard he scrubbed.

A short blond wizard in purple robes came in and ordered a mug of pumpkin juice. "Mind if I drink this here?" he asked.

"Go ahead," said Ron.

The wizard leaned against the counter, drinking his pumpkin juice and staring off into space. Ron grabbed the bottle of Instant Hangover Relieving Potion from under the counter and took a swig, grimacing at the taste.

Another wizard came in. He was tall, dark haired, and wore green robes. "Are you open?" he asked Ron.

"That's what the sign says," snapped Ron, in no mood to be pleasant.

"A pack of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, please," said the green-robed wizard, putting some Sickles on the counter.

The wizard in purple stepped up. "Are you sure you want those?" he asked the wizard in green.

"Of course I am," said the wizard in green. "They're great."

"Do you have any idea what happens to your teeth if you eat too many of those?" asked the first wizard. "Look at this." He thrust a piece of paper at the second wizard. Ron leaned over the counter to take a peek. It was a wizard photograph of a man with his teeth falling out, over and over, leaving great rotting gaps where his teeth had been.

"Geez, I didn't know they'd do that," said the second wizard. "Well, it's probably too late anyway, my teeth will probably fall out no matter what. Give me the Wheezes," he said to Ron.

"You don't want those," said the first wizard. Here, try this," he said, snatching a pack of Tooth-Flossing Stringmints and thrusting them at the green-robed wizard. "Tooth-Flossing Stringmints. Great candy, and you'll keep your teeth - you won't go round looking like a hag."

"Well, okay," said the wizard in green. "Give me the Stringmints," he said to Ron.

"One Sickle, six Knuts," said Ron irritably. The green robed wizard paid, took the Stringmints, and left. "Maybe you ought to take that pumpkin juice outside," Ron said to the wizard in purple.

"I think I'll drink it right here, thanks," replied the wizard.

"Well, keep your mouth shut and leave the customers alone," snapped Ron. "You're a bloody nuisance, you are."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Outside the store, on the Knockturn Alley side, two wizards were leaning against the wall. One of them was skinny and blond, and the other was fat and dark haired, and both of them wore black robes. The skinny blond one, whose name was Draco, yanked off his cloak and threw it at the other boy, who caught it.

"It's a good day today, Silent Bob," said Draco. "I'm going to get some today, yes I am.

I'll fuck this bitch, and that bitch, you know it! Just make sure they're not Mudbloods. It'll be like those fucking Death Eater parties at my father's house."

Silent Bob, the fat one (who looked suspiciously like a Muggle in wizard clothing), pointed to a crusty-looking wizard standing farther down Knockturn Alley, who was staring at them.

"What do you think you're looking at, motherfucker?" yelled Draco. He looked at Silent Bob. "Doesn't that fucker owe me ten Galleons?"

Silent Bob nodded.

"We'll track him down tonight and fucking put the Cruciatus Curse on his ass," said Draco. "Fucking Mudblood. I'll put fucking wolfsbane in his bag next time, let him smoke that."

A rough-looking wizard walked up. "You guys selling?" he asked.

"Bloody hell, yes," said Draco. "Let's have a chat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in the store, a crowd had gathered around the counter, where the purple-robed wizard was preaching against the evils of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. He kept flashing around photographs of rotten teeth and putrid gums.

"You know what it amounts to is you're paying someone to rot your teeth out!" yelled the wizard. There were murmurs of agreement from the crowd. "It's bad enough we have a serious lack of wizarding dental facilities here, and then you add this! Before long there won't be a wizard in all of Britain with a single tooth left!"

"Spot on!" screamed the crowd.

"And he's their agent! He's an agent of the Dark Side of tooth care! Well, we're bringing you down now, mate!"

"Now, wait just a minute!" shouted Ron but the crowd ignored him. "I don't make any of this stuff - it's my brothers! I'm just following orders!" The crowd ignored him, and several of them pulled out their wands and pointed them at Ron.

"Oh, sure, we know all about following orders," said the wizard in purple, "what about those asshole Death Eaters, huh? They were just following orders from You-Know-Who, and look what they did! Killed half the wizarding world!"

"I think you ought to leave," said Ron furiously.

"I don't think so," said the wizard. "I'm a paying customer engaged in conversation with the other customers. You're the source for poor dental hygiene in this area, and we're shutting you down!"

Several wizards shot hexes at Ron, but he ducked down behind the counter and narrowly avoided getting hit. The hexes sailed across his head and hit the glass display case behind him, smashing the glass and sending shards flying everywhere. I'm not even supposed to be here today, he thought angrily.

"Impedimenta!" shouted a voice. Ron peeked up from behind the counter to see that the crowd had been frozen in their tracks, including the purple robed wizard. Behind them stood Hermione Granger, wand in hand and eyes blazing.

"Finite Incantato!" she said, keeping her wand out. "Who started this?" Several people pointed to the wizard in purple.

"Let's see some identification," said Hermione, pointing her wand at him menacingly. "Slowly..."

The wizard pulled a business card out of the pocket and handed it to Hermione. "You're a Tooth-Flossing Stringmints representative?" she asked incredulously. The wizard nodded guiltily.

"I guess you're just trying to drum up more business, hm?" she asked. The wizard nodded again.

"Get out, you slimy git!" she shouted. "Do it now before I hex you into next week!" He picked up his cup of juice and ran out the door. She shook her wand at the crowd. "You too! Get out!" The crowd exits quickly.

"That could have been ugly," said Hermione, putting her wand in her pocket.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today," muttered Ron.

"Yeah, I know, I stopped by the Burrow and your mom said you stormed out of there really early this morning. I thought you had the day off so you could go play Quidditch with the Harry and the guys this afternoon."

"George had to go somewhere, Fred was out of town, and no one else could come open the store. But he said he would be back by three so we could play Quidditch. He better be or there's gonna be hell to pay!" Ron grumbled.

"What's that smell?" asked Hermione, sniffing.

"Salamander grease," replied Ron. "Someone jammed Drooble's Best into the lock on the shutter so I couldn't open it, and I had to make a sign. That's all I had." He grimaced. "Bunch of savages in this town."

Even though the store was in a busy location (the corner of Diagon and Knockturn Alleys), George had been right - there weren't many customers this early in the morning. Ron put a pile of coins on the counter (a few Sickles and a handful of Knuts), along with a little parchment sign that said Please Leave Money On The Counter, Take Change If Necessary, and BE HONEST, or You'll Be Cursed, then laid down on the floor behind the counter with Hermione.

There was the sound of change hitting the counter. "Thanks," called Ron to the unseen customer.

"Aren't you worried that someone's going to steal something?" asked Hermione.

"Nah," said Ron, "this time of day, most people just stop in for some pumpkin juice and a copy of the Daily Prophet."

"I wonder if anyone can see us down here," said Hermione.

"Why, you want to shag?" asked Ron, grinning.

"As if!" she said, punching him in the arm. "Not while you smell like salamander grease."

"You know you can't get enough of me," said Ron. "Women loooove me."

Hermione snorted. "And where did you get that pearl of wisdom, Mr. Weasley?"

"Well, you know, there have been a few women who slept with me, you know," said Ron. "I'm just using their reactions as a basis for judgement."

"How many?" asked Hermione, sitting up.

"How many girls I've slept with? Oh, come on Hermione, you know we've been through this before," he said indignantly.

"Refresh my memory," said Hermione.

He paused to think. "Eight."

She smacked him hard.

"What the hell was that for, Hermione?" he asked, rubbing his face.

"You're such a dog! Here I thought Sirius Black was the male whore of the wizarding world...you know how many guys I've slept with?"

"Ooh, if you tell me, can I smack you too?" said Ron.

"Two." Hermione sat back, looking righteous.

"Two?" said Ron. "Including me?"

"Of course including you. Just you and Harry."

"Not in that order, I hope," muttered Ron.

"Of course not," she said, "that thing with Harry and me was just a fling. You know that...Merlin's beard, you shagged eight women? I didn't think you knew eight women!"

"I'm getting up," said Ron, "It's getting crazy down here." He got up and started rearranging things on the counter, face flushed.

"Oh, hi Neville," said Hermione. Ron looked up to see Neville Longbottom standing in front of the counter.

"Ron, Hermione, good to see you," said Neville. "What's that smell?"

"Salamander grease," sighed Ron. "Don't ask; long story. What can I get for you?"

Neville's face fell. "I forgot. Damn it...wait a minute, let's see if I can remember...oh yeah...I wanted some of those Wheezes your brothers came up with." He turned to Hermione. "So, have you talked to Lavender lately?"

"We talk some, an owl every now and then," said Hermione. "I'm sorry you two broke up, Neville."

He shrugged, paying Ron for the candy. "No big deal, we just didn't get along. Right then, I've got to be going now. Good morning." He took his candy and left the shop.

Hermione made a face. "You know, Neville's not the sweet and innocent boy we thought he was at Hogwarts. He's got some really...weird tastes...especially about, you know...he's into some pretty kinky stuff."

"Really?" said Ron curiously. "I never would have guessed. I bet Lavender gave you an earful." He laughed.

"No, Lavender didn't tell me anything," said Hermione.

"Then, how do you..." He looked at Hermione, horrified. "Hermione! I thought you said you only slept with Harry and me!"

"I did!" screeched Hermione. "I never had sex with Neville!"

"Then how do you know about his kinky side, if Lavender didn't tell you!" shouted Ron.

"We just messed around some, we never had sex," yelled Hermione. "If we did, I would have told you just now!"

"You must have done more than that, Hermione! How far did you go with Neville? Tell me right now!" Ron's face had turned an ugly shade of purple.

"Well, not that it's any of your business, but I went down on him! Okay! Are you satisfied now?" she huffed.

"Bloody fucking hell! You sucked Neville Longbottom's dick! Why did you say you only slept with me and Harry, when you sucked Neville's dick!"

"Because I didn't sleep with Neville, Ron, we just messed around a few times in the Astronomy Tower!" Hermione was furious. Her eyes were blazing and her hair seemed even more bushy than it already was. "I told you, I only had sex with you and Harry!"

"Oh my God, I feel like I could puke up a bucket of slugs," said Ron.

"Ron..."

"How many, Hermione? How many guys have you gone down on? Tell me!" shouted Ron.

"Well...give me a minute, I have to think..." stammered Hermione.

"What do you mean, you have to think about it! Just tell me how many guys you went down on!" Ron looked like someone had used Swelling Solution on his head.

"Twenty six," whispered Hermione.

"TWENTY SIX!" screamed Ron.

"Well, twenty seven, including you," she added.

"You mean I'm number twenty seven!" choked Ron.

"I'm leaving," said Hermione, heading for the door.

"Oh, no you don't," said Ron, "you get back here and explain yourself right now!"

"Oh, don't act so bloody self righteous, Mister 'I've slept with ten girls'!" snapped Hermione. "I only slept with two guys! How many girls did you go down on, hmm?"

"That's beside the point!" shouted Ron. "YOU SUCKED TWENTY SEVEN DICKS! That's half of fucking Hogwarts!"

"Actually more like two, three percent," mumbled Hermione. "Pansy Parkinson's the one who blew half of Hogwarts."

"We're not talking about fucking Pansy Parkinson," Ron hissed through clenched teeth, "we're talking about HERMIONE GRANGER! Now we know what you were REALLY doing in the library all the time, don't we now?"

"That's it, I'm leaving," snapped Hermione. She slammed the door on her way out.

Enraged, Ron ran to the door, yanked it open and shouted after her, "Try not to suck anymore dick on the way out of Diagon Alley, you hear?" A wizard sitting on a bench outside the store looked after Hermione with an incredulous look on his face, and then got up to chase after her.

"You get your arse back here, right now, you perv!" shouted Ron, grabbing him by the cloak and shoving him in the opposite direction.