Once More with Phoenix

Once More with Phoenix

Scene 4

I'll Never Tell

Ron and Hermione are in the library, the sun shining in through the large windows; Ron has fallen asleep on an enormous open book and is snoring loudly, with a bit of drool about to fall onto the page he's using for a pillow. Hermione gives him a look of disgust and slams the book she is reading very loudly, clearly disappointed when it fails to wake him.

HERMIONE
(glaring at Ron and speaking
in a sarcastic sing-song)

Oh, of COURSE I'll help you, Hermione. We'll put our minds to it and find the answer in no time... Hmph! Only if the answer is engraved on the inside of your EYELIDS. No time. It's been months and we're STILL singing and dancing through every day...

She sighs and looks at him a little more sympathetically, no longer sounding snide.

HERMIONE, cont'd.

You only wanted to come so that you could be with me. Which wouldn't be so bad if you'd only ADMIT it, finally. But no. You pretend you want to do research and then fall asleep because you find nothing more boring... I'm boring, and that's probably why you haven't said anything... One of the reasons, anyway...

She rises and begins to sing, pointing to Ron.

HERMIONE, cont'd.

Here is the boy I enjoy having rows with--
Don't tell him, now!
But will we fill all our lives with such conflict
If we take vows?
I don't know what to do--
He doesn't seem to want to woo.
If only I knew--
No. He'll never tell.

Hermione sighs, looking at him, then walks off into the stacks as the music continues. Ron tentatively opens one eye, then both when he sees that she's gone from the general area. He begins to sing:

RON

She is the girl that I hurled all those slugs for
In second year.
But will we ever be tethered together--
Am I so dear?
And should I let her know--?
The elves don't want clothes but she goes
On SPEWing hats they--
No. I shouldn't tell.

Ron looks sympathetically at her as she comes around the corner of the stacks and smiles tentatively at him.

RON, cont'd

'Cause there's nothing to tell...

HERMIONE
(singing as she moves books from
one stack to another on the table)

He's mad.

RON
(standing and pointing at her over
his shoulder with his thumb)

She's madder.

HERMIONE

Say "homework" and he natters.

RON
(picking up some knitting
sticking out of her bag)

She knits these woolly bladders that I can't describe.

HERMIONE
(singing to his back, frowning, waving
a Quidditch magazine at him)

Sports do not MATTER--

RON
(his fingers in his ears)

She chats and then she chatters--

HERMIONE
(throwing up her hands)

He thinks that robes in tatters somehow ruin lives...

They sing standing each on one side of a large bookcase, blocking their view of each other.

BOTH

The vibe gets kind of scary...

RON

Like it could be temporary--

HERMIONE

Like I should be very wary--

RON

Like she thinks that I'm no Harry--

BOTH

But it's all very well,
'Cause God knows I'll never tell.

They walk back to the table again and can see each other.

RON
(thumping his chest "manfully")

When I'm a man an'
Can be a Chudley Cannon--

HERMIONE
(rolling her eyes)

You KNOW that's only fanon!

RON
(frowning, turning his back to
her with crossed arms)

I can fantasise!

HERMIONE

You're poor--I don't mind--I only wish that you'd find--

RON
(interrupting, speaking)

Her hair's a nightmare!

HERMIONE

This is MY verse, hello!

Jazzy music interrupts her and Ron starts dancing with a chair.

RON
(speaking)

Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!

The same music continues and Hermione starts dancing parallel to him, then they sort of dance together, but with their hands just stopping short of making contact. Ron leaps up onto a library table to continue his dance and Hermione follows; they continue to dance parallel to each other, not touching until the original music resumes, when they each tentatively reach out a hand. Holding hands, but at arms' length, they continue singing.

BOTH

You know--

RON

You're quite the charmer.

HERMIONE
(overlapping slightly)

--my knight in armour.

RON

If you're Venus then I'm Mars--

HERMIONE

I could just fall into your arms--

RON
(pulling away nervously)

But we've got studying for Charms--

HERMIONE
(trying to look like she was kidding)

That's what I meant!

They both begin dancing a sort of Charleston again, but the music changes to sweet violins and they both drift a little toward each other as though they might waltz together, then think better of it. Instead they climb off the table and amble toward their chairs again, singing without touching. They continue singing facing away from each other.

HERMIONE

He's brill.

RON

She's briller.

HERMIONE

Then why's he make me shriller?

RON

Sometimes I want to kill her--but then anything but--

HERMIONE

We could risk ending a friendship just by spending
Ten minutes as a couple--so let's keep our mouths shut!

BOTH
(facing each other)

I lied--I said I want it.
I've tried, but there's these fears I can't quell...

RON
(turning his back to her again)

Is she looking for a pot of gold?

HERMIONE
(also turning her back, but peering
at him over her shoulder)

Will he run and hide if I'm too bold?

RON

Will our life become too stressful if I'm never that successful?

HERMIONE

Will I have to take up Quidditch so he doesn't meet some new witch?

RON

Does she like me?

HERMIONE

Does he hate me?

RON

Should I go all hard and Snape-ly?

BOTH

We could make our sixth and seventh years a big living hell!
So thank God I'll never tell.
I swear that I'll never tell.

RON

My lips are sealed.

HERMIONE
(holding up her hand as though
taking an oath)

I take the fifth.

RON
(making shooing motions with his hands)

Nothing to see, move it along.

BOTH

I'll never--tell.

They collapse into chairs, laughing nervously, avoiding each other's eyes. Madam Pince dashes over to them, speaking crossly rather than singing.

MADAM PINCE

That's it! I've had it! Singing in the stacks, dancing on the tables... I won't have it! I won't. Out, out, OUT!

They hastily gather up their belongings and rush toward the door while she looks like she wants to hex them. She turns around and practically trips over Professor Flitwick, who is looking up at her as though enthralled.

PROFESSOR FLITWICK

Oh, hello, Irma, uh, fancy meeting you here...

MADAM PINCE
(irritated)

And just where else would you find me?

The opening bars of "Marian, Librarian," from The Music Man, begin to play as Professor Flitwick goes to his knees in front of her and flings his arms wide, then opens his mouth, preparing to sing...

NEXT: It isn't Right, it isn't Fair

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