Uric the Oddball's Fantastic Adventures

The Oddball Strikes Again

The Daily Prophet, September 5, 1690.

By Jullian Hargraves

Yesterday in Cornwall, Uric "the Oddball" Beaufolle was brought before the Wizard's Council on charges of gross magical negligence involving a dragon, an old hag and a couple of hapless muggles. According to Olena Tadelesh, the respected old hag who witnessed it all, (Olena is well known for her invention of the new and improved Restoration potion), she was selling some muggles a simple Fertility potion when she heard a great commotion outside. "I thought it was a Knarl trying to get at my turnips again. My good-for-nothing nephew is always trying to feed the blasted thing. I told the muggles to get out so I could shoo it away and then the house caught fire."

Olena managed to escape and found the muggles pinned against the garden wall by a Hebridean Black. On the dragon's back (a painful position due to the spikes) was a man, later identified as Uric Beaufolle, known as the Oddball, ever since an incident involving a puffskein, a broken toothbrush and an Engorgement charm. Uric appeared to be attempting to ride the dragon but was being foiled at every turn by its sharp spine ridges and teeth. This prompted an astonishing occurrence. In the words of Olena Tadelesh, "The Black twisted around and bit the man hard on the arm, refusing to let go. He seemed to freeze in fear. But then, the man reached behind him, grasped the dragon's tail and bit down on it hard. He was thrown thirty feet into the air and landed on my sage bushes!" At that point, a task force from the Wizard's Council arrived and was able to subdue the Hebridean Black with a minimum of injuries. The muggles, of course, had their memories obliviated. Uric was still sequestered with the Council at the time of this publication. His motivations are unknown.

Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon

The Daily Prophet, September 6, 1690.

By Eustace Kebrides

Uric "the Oddball" Beaufolle was brought before the Council today on charges of gross magical negligence. Uric has been fined 1000 galleons and has been ordered to pay for any damage to Olena Tadelesh's garden and house. He was fined after he let a dragon invade her house and endangered the lives of Olena and some of her muggle customers. Uric also faced a three month sentence in Azkaban, which was waived on the idea that "It wouldn't make any difference in his case." (Council Member Neal Cambert) Discussions on what to do should Uric step out of line again have been heated and furious. Uric alone has been responsible for over thirty-five different magical violations. The Daily Prophet will report, should a decision ever be reached.

This star reporter was able to discover the reasons for Uric's actions in Cornwall two days ago. Some unfortunate soul reminded Uric of the Hogwarts motto, Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus. Uric took this advice to heart. Instead, he went to tickle a dragon that was not sleeping. How he ended up all the way down in Cornwall with a Hebridean Black has yet to be determined. As for the biting of the dragon, Uric's only comment was, "It bit me first!" The Daily Prophet was unable to reach Alastair Beaufolle, Uric's father and Council Member, for a comment on his son's behaviour.

*****

The Forbidden Forest is a well known feature of the Hogwarts experience. None but the bravest, or those serving detention may enter without being mauled to death by horrible and ghastly creatures that, no doubt, have long and unpronounceable names. (This conspiracy of Hogwarts teachers, that sends their most troublesome students into a dangerous forest in the care of a single adult who splits them into groups, is well documented.)

Very few know that Albus Dumbledore takes a walk through the forest every week in order to meet Old Granny Hag, who sells moonshine (3 knuts a swig and 1 galleon a bottle) and lives in a gnarled old trunk left behind by one of the students. However, it is best to leave Albus to his drink and move on to the well known adventurers who dare the Forbidden Forest monthly. Namely, Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail...

*****

What a pretty birdy. Uric stared in fascination at a little bird sitting on the knob of a tree. It was bright purple, with brilliant neon orange stripes running down its down. It was chattering happily at him out of a decidedly green beak.

"Hello little fellow. Do you want to come home with me? I have over a hundred birds and every one was alive and well last time I checked." The bird cocked its head to the side, than warbled something at him. I wish I could talk to birds.

"Alright then." Uric came closer, intending to gently cup the bird in his hands. There was a loud groaning. The bark of the tree split down the middle, and out darted a head that vaguely resembled a turtle's. If turtles had thirty or so razor sharp incisors and glistening black horns. Attached to a little rod in front of its head was a little purple and orange bird, complete with a green beak. The turtle thing snapped at him.

Uric took a step back and looked up, wondering where the little bird had gone. Maybe it lives with the tree...ugh, but what would their children be like?

"If trees could fly..." he said.

"Of course they can. That's what broomsticks are for. You better step further away from that Ornitholamphus. Nasty buggers," said an unknown voice. Uric turned toward the source of the voice and was surprised to find someone standing there. Usually, the voices in his head didn't have bodies as well.

It was a boy, perhaps sixteen, with dark shaggy hair and black eyes to match. He was in that gangly stage of teenagehood that made his body look like it was trying to play catchup to his height. He was grinning widely at Uric with a smile most people reserved for deranged lunatics and complete and utter oddballs. Uric thought that was the way everyone smiled. Perhaps this isn't a voice in my head.

"My name is Sirius Black. Who are you and what are you doing in the Forbidden Forest this late?" the boy demanded. The sun had almost set and the forest was now bathed in twilight.

"A better question Padfoot, would be why is he naked and wearing a tea cosy on his head?" said a voice off to Uric's left. Yet another teenager stood there. He had unruly black hair and blue eyes that glinted in the rising moonlight. Uric wished he had a mirror. My tea cosy must be crooked.

"Why he is naked Prongs. I hadn't noticed," said the first boy. Prongs ignored him.

"I'm James Potter by the way. And you are?" The boy offered his hand and Uric kissed it. I seem to remember people doing that somewhere. Then he bowed and tipped his tea cosy to both of them.

"Uric Beaufolle. You wouldn't happen to have any socks would you? I don't like the way my toes are looking at me." He said the last in a whisper, just in case his toes were listening. A howl split the forest, but both boys didn't seem to notice.

"Uric. Now why does that seem familiar?" said James. The one called Sirius was grinning.

"Uric, Prongs. As in Uric the Oddball, one of the weirdest wizards in history."

"I thought he lived in the late 1600's."

"He did," said Sirius. They both turned to look at him.

"What's that in your hand, Uric?" asked James. Uric looked down.

"Air I suppose. Perhaps some dirt," he said. James Potter sighed.

"Your other hand, Uric."

"Oh that's my time turner. Uric number 2 told me where to find it." They both looked shocked.

"Look, Uric," said James, "You shouldn't be wandering about time. There's laws strictly prohibiting it. If they catch you, they'll lock you up and throw away the key." Uric looked sad.

"But they already did that. In fact, they threw away the door as well."

"I wish Remus were here. He did that extra credit essay on him for History of Magic last year. Maybe then we'd know what he's talking about," complained Sirius. James shook his head.

"One thing I do remember about Uric is that they used to do a brisk business outside his front door selling non-befuddlement charms to all his visitors." Another howl split the forest, this time much closer. The boys exchanged looks and came to some sort of conclusion.

"Uric, you need to get out of the forest. There's a werewolf wandering around. Were safe because were animagi but you could be in trouble."

"That's okay. I'm an animagus too. I can turn into a badger." They looked at him sceptically.

"Watch," he said, than concentrated really hard. He crouched down, willing his other form to come out. James and Sirius watched as he got down on all fours and began to make what they hoped were badger noises.

"Uh, Uric," said Sirius, understanding why they might have locked Uric up. "You're still in your human form." Uric looked at them. It took awhile for understanding to dawn in his eyes but he finally stood up.

"Guess it didn't work this time. Do you want to see my impression of a dead badger?"

"No!" they both said in unison. After a moment, James decided to have another go at convincing him.

"Uric, you need to take the time turner and go to a different time. There you can turn yourself in and get yourself some clothing."

"Promise us you'll get some clothing," said Sirius. Uric cocked his head at them, looking remarkably like the bird he had been admiring earlier.

"You mean I can't eat it?"

"Eat what?" asked James with some trepidation.

"This pretty golden thing in my hand."

"NO!" James bellowed, than visibly calmed himself. The howls were getting closer.

"A time turner isn't food. It does not taste good with mustard, cheese or any other type of condiment."

"How about jam?" asked Uric.

"No."

"Butter?"

"Uric...Just take the time turner and leave!" James hated to do this. It was like kicking a dog but Uric was going to be hurt if he stayed. Uric gave them a pitiful look.

"I don't know how to use it," he said in a small voice.

"How did you get here - never mind. Look just turn it this way to go forward in time and the other way to go back. The more you turn it, the further in time you'll travel."

"Where should I go?"

"Wherever you want to so long as you never come back to the 1970's again. Good luck, Uric," said James. The two boys turned into a dog and a deer respectively and bounded off into the forest. Uric stared after them for a long moment. His stomach growled. He spun the time turner on its chain and disappeared into history.