Snow White and the Seven Weasleys

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN WEASLEYS

Part I:

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Once upon a time, in a kingdom far far away, where men were still men and women were still virgins, there lived a maiden in the name of... Snow White...

[Enter Snow White in the forest, overly cheery birds chirping everywhere.]

SNOW WHITE: Oh! Pity me! For I am beautiful and a princess but hated by my stepmother! *stops* Oh wait! Quick! Quick! Look at me petting a bird! Oh! Pretty bird, do you adore me? Yes, yes, notice my flawlessness! Look at how perfect I am! Admire me quick!

[Breaks into a Disney song with the birds as back-up singers.]

SNOW WHITE: La la la la la... La la la la la... La la la la la...

EVIL BIRD: Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

SNOW WHITE: LAH... LAH... LAH.... LALALALA...

EVIL BIRD: CHIRP! CHIRP! TWEET! CHIRP!!!

SNOW WHITE: Are you threatening me?! *grabs evil bird in the neck and chokes it to death* There you go...nice birdy...

[Enter another person.]

THE GUY WHO WAS ORDERED TO KILL SNOW WHITE: *Thinking aloud* I can't kill her! She's too beautiful! So utterly perfect! *Goggles*

SNOW WHITE: May I help you?

THE GUY WHO WAS ORDERED TO KILL SNOW WHITE: Hurry princess! Run! Run for your life! The queen has ordered me to deliver your heart to her but I can't! For you are too sweet and kind and generous, too--

SNOW WHITE: Okay stop! I knew this was going to happen! Do you reckon that--

T.G.W.W.O.T.K.S.W.: Just trust me princess! The queen is an evil evil person!

SNOW WHITE: I know that! I was just thinking that if we can actually think of a way to--

T.G.W.W.O.T.K.S.W.: I know that it's hard for you to understand, but you stepmother wants you dead! Run! Run my sweet princess! Never return to the castle ever again!

SNOW WHITE: Okay! Okay! Hold your horses! I'm running, I'm running!

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SNOW WHITE: *running and running and running... and falls into some kind of...portal?* I can't see! Oh no! My perfect hair's being ruined! Help! Somebody hand me a cooooooommmbb!

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[Meanwhile, back at the castle...]

THE QUEEN A.K.A SNOW WHITE'S STEPMOTHER: *looking into a magical water basin* I knew that stupid servant would betray me! Ha! Snow White, feel the wrath of the... wizarding world!

THE GUY WHO WAS ORDERED TO KILL SNOW WHITE: Your highness, I present you the--

THE QUEEN A.K.A. SNOW WHITE'S STEPMOTHER: Save it! *snaps fingers* Guard! Feed him to the...no! I have a better idea. Sell him to Cinderella's stepsisters!

THE GUY WHO WAS ORDERED TO KILL SNOW WHITE: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

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[And to the Burrow]

GINNY: Ron! Help!

RON: What?! *rushing over to his sister*

GINNY: Boggart! Boggart! Boggart! Kill it Ron!!!

RON: *finds Ginny huddled in a corner with a naked Draco doing an exotic dance in front of her* Holy Christ! Wake me up people! This is not funny anymore!

GINNY: Ron!!!

RON: RIDDIKULUS!

[Boggart goes all poof!]

RON: Your worst fear is a naked Draco?!?

GINNY: *goes all red* I'm afraid that I might not be able to control myself.

[The two of them hears a commotion downstairs.]

CHARLIE: Ron! Fred, George! Uh... anybody? We got a... er... visitor over here...

RON: *turning all blue in the verge of puking all over the floor* We better get downstairs.

GINNY: Right.

[Downstairs...]

RON: *Finds Charlie goggling at a pretty girl who is furiously patting her hair down.* Er...

UNIDENTIFIED PATTING OBJECT: *Looking warily at them* I need help! This is an emergency! Does anybody have a comb?!

RON: Er...

GINNY: I...I have one. Here, have it!

UNIDENTIFIED PATTING OBJECT: *Accepts brush* Thank you so very much! You have no idea how much this means to me! *starts to brush hair feverishly until it's all silky and soft* There! I'm all better now!

RON: Er...

GINNY: Good for you!

CHARLIE: *Snapping out of his reverie* Can... can we help you with something else? Who are you anyway?

GIRL WITH THE NOW SHINY SILKY HAIR: Oh... well, I'm Snow White!

[Snow White gets introduced to all the Weasleys and they move to the dining table. Very boring stuff.]

SNOW WHITE: *staring at Bill* Oh no! Your hair! It's gorgeous! Much prettier than mine!

BILL: Thanks... I guess.

GINNY: So you mean your stepmother wanted you dead so she can have the kingdom and your dad all to herself?

SNOW WHITE: Yeah, something like that... Did I mention about the uber windy portal? Oh my God it almost dried my hair! It was horrible!

FRED: *voice in false falsetto* Really?! Oh my God!!! Call the Aurors! Quick! We must save this princess's precious locks!

CHARLIE: So back to your story... I can't believe that there's another dimension except from the muggle world and ours!

SNOW WHITE: Ugh! Your dimension is loads better! You won't believe the hellhole I've grown at! Competing almost everyday with that slut Cinderella and that whore Sleeping Beauty! And Belle! That bitch! Just because her monster lover turned out to be a charming prince, she thinks she's on top of the world! I would've gone back but there's this thing about evil stepmother wanting me dead, remember?

BILL: Then what are we all here hunched up for? Let's do something! Throw pies at her window or... *noticed people's stares* ... or not.

PERCY: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!

FRED: Shut up!

GINNY: We cannot absolutely go to their dimension! It's much too dangerous! Ron! Back me up!

RON: Er...

GEORGE: Hey, I have a kind of crazy idea.

GINNY: Those are never comforting words coming from you.

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