MTV Diary: Harry Potter Style

(We see the portrait of Sir Cadogan in front of the a black backdrop.

The theme music from MTV Diary plays in the background.)

CADOGAN: Ye think ye know, but ye have know idea.

This is the diary of Sir Cadogan, knight extrordinaire...and the best, most well-loved...best-looking...most handsome...

>>This has been cut due to time constraints, because if we let

Sir Cadogan go on, we would be here for days. Thank you. <<

(The screen reads; Sir Cadogan: Most Annoying Portrait in Hogwarts.) .

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December 1^st, 1994. Today I must ask the fair Fat Lady to the Yule Ball. I will be her knight in shining armor. I believe that she will accept my invitation to the Ball. No woman can resist my knightly charm.

(Scene: The Fat Lady's Portrait; outside Gryffindor Tower.

Sir Cadogan is in the portrait with her, holding a bunch of flowers that appear to be for a funeral, and a box full of Acid Pops. He is apparently trying to "woo" her.)

CADOGAN: Oh, my darling, would you please grace my knightly arm with your fair presence during the Yule Ball?

FAT LADY: (disgusted) Well...since last year when you took my place after Sirius Black sabotaged me...

CADOGAN: Yes, my sweet. Didn't I do a wonderful job?

FAT LADY: (continuing.) Why would anybody in their right mind want to go to a ball with you? Sorry, but no.

She must be busy. My poor darling...she has oh-so many responsibilities, much more than my knightly eyes have ever seen...anyway, let's go to my post and see what's happening over there.

(Scene: Sir Cadogan's portrait on the way to Professor Trelawney's attic classroom. Some unsuspecting third years are lost, as the staircases changed while they were going to Trelawney's room.)

COLIN: (innocently) Sir Cadogan, can you please tell us how to get to Divination from here? See...we're lost and we don't know how to get to class...

This boy must want to duel with me. Yes, that's it. He wants to duel. So, he shall get a duel!

CADOGAN: How dare ye ask me such a question! If you need to know, we must duel to the death. Then, and only then, will I tell you the whereabouts of your class!

(All the other students roll their eyes at Sir Cadogan's childish and annoying antics.)

GINNY: Um...Sir...we just want to get to class. Surely you would understand...can you show us where to go?

CADOGAN: Fine. I shall lead you towards the classroom of your specification, just so that you will leave me to my knightly duties.

(He takes off running on his horse, and the third years struggle to keep up. By the time they reach Divination, the class is over and Trelawney takes fifty points from their house. Unfortunately for them, they are late for their next class, which just happens to be Potions, where Snape goes on a rapid point-taking spree.)

It is all in a day's work.

---Commercial Break---

(Once again, Hermione timidly steps out from behind the SPEW curtain. She seems extremely desperate for somebody to join her organization.)

HERMIONE: Join SPEW, and save the House-Elves. I will pay anyone who joins this organization two Sickles! Also, they will receive free copies of Hogwarts: A History, Quidditch Through The Ages, free wizard-chess lessons from the great Ronald Weasley, and an autographed poster of the one, the only Harry Potter. And, for a limited time, if you happen to call and join in the next twenty minutes, I will do your homework in one class for the rest of term. So, call toll free at 1-800-SPEW-YOU! Again, that number is 1-800-SPEW-YOU!

RON: (from backstage) Boy, she really is desperate!

DOBBY: (from backstage) Dobby is thinking that Ron is right.

HARRY: (from backstage) She's never going to give it up and leave everyone alone, is she?

**Commercial**

(Oliver Wood is sitting onstage in a blue director's chair, holding a thick, hardcover, red-and-gold book with a picture of him on the back cover. A cardboard replica of Oliver is behind him..)

OLIVER WOOD: Hello, I am Oliver Wood, and today I am here to tell you about my book, How To Be A Successful and Fanatical Quidditch Captain. If you dream of being captain of your house Quidditch team, here's how to pull it off. There are special plays, tips, lectures, and even pre-game pep talks all written by yours truly. This book costs two Galleons, plus shipping and handling. Call to order your copy today at 1-800-CAPTAIN!

(The number scrolls across the screen.)

WOOD: And, if you call in the next half hour, you will get a complimentary life-size cardboard figure of me, Oliver Wood. And, for a limited time only, you will receive a free copy of my brand new book How To Be A Quidditch-Playing Hottie! All this for two Galleons, and one sickle shipping and handling! Call 1-800-CAPTAIN today!

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December 2^nd, 1994. Today, I have a meeting with Professor Dumbledore. Hopefully, I will become the guardian to one of the house dormitories. The Ravenclaw guardian is retiring and he is asking somebody to take her place. I firmly believe that I will get the job.

(Scene: Professor Dumbledore's office. Sir Cadogan's portrait is in the crimson easy-chair in front of Dumbledore's desk)

DUMBLEDORE: So, Sir Cadogan, what would you do if you were made guardian of Ravenclaw house?

CADOGAN: I would keep the wee children safe by challenging everybody to duels, and thinking up ridiculously difficult-to-remember passwords.

DUMBLEDORE: Alright...please remind me of your....prior experience.

CADOGAN: (babbling rather stupidly and at a the pace of an African swallow.)Well, last year I guarded Gryffindor Tower after Sirius Black tried to break in. See, I gave a boy all the passwords >to the Tower, and he lost the sheet that he'd written them down on. Sirius Black picked them up, and after challenging him to a duel, I let him in, even though he looked extremely suspicious.

DUMBLEDORE: (turned off, with a forced smile on his face.) Well, I believe that that's enough for today. We'll owl you if we decide anything. Thank you, Sir Cadogan.

CADOGAN: Alright.

Hah! This job is, as Muggles say, in the bag!

(Scene: Teacher's lounge.)

DUMBLEDORE: All I know is, Sir Cadogan is definitely not going to guard Ravenclaw. I fear for the students' safety.

McGONAGALL: But Albus, you let him guard Gryffindor last year while the Fat Lady was in therapy...

DUMBLEDORE: That was under a different circumstance. There was nobody else, Minerva.

Now I am going to plan out all of my passwords now, so...go away and leave me alone. I will see you when I become the official portrait-guardian of Ravenclaw House.