MTV Diary: Harry Potter Style

(We see Argus Filch in front of a black curtain. The MTV

Diary theme song is playing in the background.)

FILCH: You think you know...but you have no idea. This

is the diary of Argus Filch, Caretaker of Hogwarts.

(Screen reads: Argus Filch: The Nastiest Person You'll Ever Meet.)

December 15^th, 1994. I am not in a very good mood today.

Some fourth years dragged in mud, which I had to clean up,

of course.

(Scene: Hallways after a Slytherin Quidditch game.)

DRACO: But...but you can't give me detention! Do you

know who I am? I'm Draco Malfoy...

FILCH: (to Mrs. Norris) Good job, my sweet. (to Draco) I don't

care who you are.

DRACO: I'm telling my Daddy!

Those students get on my nerves so much. If I weren't a Squib,

Mrs. Norris and I would get a job at the Ministry. Anyway,

today some filthy, vile child kicked my sweet Mrs.

Norris. How dare they be violent to such a gentle and sweet creature?

I don't understand it.

(Scene: Hospital wing. Mrs. Norris is lying on a cot, writhing in pain.)

FILCH: (to Mrs. Norris) Mrs. Norris! Are you feeling better, my sweet?

MADAM POMFREY: She'll be fine in a couple of days.

FILCH: Was I talking to you?

(Madam Pomfrey shakes her head in frustration, and goes on to

administer medication to an ill Slytherin fifth year.)

---Commercial Break---

(Hermione, once again, steps out from behind the SPEW curtain.)

HERMIONE: Please, join SPEW, the Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare,

and save the House-Elves! If you join, I will pay you three Sickles. Also, the next

1,000 callers will receive Hogwarts: A History, Quidditch Through

The Ages, free wizard-chess lessons from chess-master Ronald

Weasley, and an autographed, life-sized cardboard replica of the one, the only Harry

Potter. Call now, and I will do all your homework for the rest of term! The number

is 1-800-SPEW-YOU! It's toll free! Again, 1-800-SPEW-YOU.

TRELAWNEY: (from backstage) I predict that nobody will ever join SPEW.

RON: (to Harry, from backstage) D'you think she's right?

-------Commercial--------

(We see Oliver Wood in his director's chair, in front of the cardboard figure of himself.

He is holding a thick, hardcover volume with a large photograph of himself on the back

cover.)

WOOD: Hello, I am Oliver Wood. I am here today to sell my book, How To Be A Successful and Fanatical Quidditch Captain. Thousands of copies have already been sold. This book details special plays, lectures, and pre-game pep talks all written and used by me. The results of my plays and lectures brought my Quidditch team to a sure victory. For this amazing book, you must pay a one-time fee of two Galleons. For your copy, call 1-800-CAPTAIN! Credit cards are acceptable...no checks or CODs please.

(The number flashes across the screen.)

WOOD: But wait, there's more! If you call in the next 10 minutes, you will receive a life-sized cardboard replica of me, and a free copy of my new book, How to Be A Quidditch-Playing Hottie! All this and more for the low, low price of two Galleons. Call 1-800-CAPTAIN today!

-------

December 16^th, 1994. I had an awful day today. It was all because some fourth years completely trashed the corridors with mud.

(Scene: Hallway outside the Hufflepuff Common Room after some Hufflepuffs fell in the lake.)

JUSTIN: I thought that the Squid was going to get us...huh Ern?

HANNAH: It was so slimy...

ERNIE: It wasn't that bad.

(All of a sudden, Filch pops up)

FILCH: Detentions for all of you for making a mess out of my nice, clean floors!

JUSTIN: But sir...it was an accident...

Ah well, it was fun getting them in trouble with Sprout. (to Mrs. Norris) Wasn't it fun, my sweet?

(Scene: Filch is bringing Justin, Ernie, and Hannah to Professor Sprout.)

FILCH: They disrespected me and Mrs. Norris by dirtying the hall. I had to clean it up all by myself.

SPROUT: (to the students) Is this true?

HANNAH: But...well...we didn't...

SPROUT: No buts. Detentions from all of you and fifteen points from Hufflepuff! I am ashamed of you.

FILCH: (to Mrs. Norris) Victory is so sweet, isn't it, my sweet?

I have to get going now. Peeves just smashed a mirror. Hopefully we'll get him out of Hogwarts for good. (to Mrs. Norris) Isn't it, my sweet?