MTV Diary: Harry Potter Style

DRACO: (in front of screen, sitting down and picking his nose) You think you know, but you have no idea.(long pause).........this is the diary of Draco Malfoy, the coolest kid at Hogwarts.

(screen shows up, reads: Draco Malfoy: the Most Annoying Kid at Hogwarts)

DRACO: That is offensive. You've offended me. I'm telling my Daddy!

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October 2nd, 1994. I hate Potter. He is so annoying, especially in Double Potions. He acts like he knows everything.

(Scene: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco are shown in the Potions classroom.)

HARRY: Uh, Malfoy, would you mind passing me the tortoise toes?

MALFOY: Yes, I would mind. No way would I pass it to a friend of a MUDBLOOD!

(All the students look extremely shocked.)

MALFOY: (really demented, evil laughter) Mwahahahahahhahaha!!

HERMIONE: (outraged) Hey! I resent that!

RON: That was uncalled for.

MALFOY: Professor, Potter is bothering me!

SNAPE: 50 points from Gryffindor for being a pain in the butt, Potter.

HARRY: But sir, I didn't do anything!

SNAPE: Ten points for talking back.

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Also, I hate Granger. She's too smart for her own good. Bloody Mudblood.

(Scene: Transfiguration class.)

HERMIONE: Professor McGonagall, did I Transfigure my iguana into a cheese ball correctly?

McGONAGALL: Yes. 10 points to Gryffindor!

MALFOY: (audible whisper to Crabbe and Goyle) That bloody Granger son of a -----

McGONAGALL: 13 points from Slytherin for using profanity in my classroom!

(All the Gryffindors high-five each other.)

MALFOY: Damn.

McGONAGALL: Mr. Malfoy, I'm warning you...be quiet or it'll be more...

MALFOY: Oh, shucks

----Commercial Break----

(Once again, Hermione steps out from behind the familiar black curtain. This time, she looks extremely desperate.)

HERMIONE: Join S.P.E.W. to save the House-Elves. The next twenty callers will all receive copies of Hogwarts: A History and Quidditch through the ages! So, call 1-800-SPEW-YOU to join! It's toll free! Again, that number is 1-800-SPEW-YOU! Please join, the House-Elves will be happy!

RON: (from backstage) Hermione, you should just give it up already!

HERMIONE: (annoyed) No, never! The House-Elves need you! For the third time, call toll free to join S.P.E.W. at 1-800-SPEW-YOU!

*****

October 3rd, 1994. The Slytherin Disco Dance.

(Scene: Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy Parkinson, and the other Slytherins are dancing in pink pajamas to disco tunes, and a funky disco ball is rotating and spreading light across the Common Room.)

I love the disco! It's so much fun...one of the few good things about Muggles.

PANSY: Do the disco, baby!

DRACO: You got it, babe!

CRABBE: Funky.

GOYLE: Funky.

I also love pink fluffy bunny pajamas. So do all Slytherins.

(Scene: Snape enters in the middle of the Disco)

SNAPE: What's going on?

DRACO: Potter did this!

SNAPE: Really?

GOYLE: Duh...yah.

SNAPE: 50 points from Gryffindor!! 50 points to Slytherin!!

ALL: (unenthusiastically) Yay.

But, alas, I must leave you now. I am so sad, and I know you are too. It is time for the Teletubbies marathon (another good Muggle invention), and I don't want to miss it!! And I want to eat some Twinkies, my favorite Muggle snack.. Farewell!