Dudley's Diary:1996

Chapter 2

Breakfast: Kippers, bacon and eggs, tea

Lunch: Pizza, extra toppings.

Second Lunch: Steak and Kidney pie

Lunch Dessert: Pudding

Dinner: Mum won't let me have it 'til later. I hope she reads this and sees that she's starving me!

Saturday, 13 December 2003

Dear Diary,

People think it's fun to be as strong and strapping as me but they're wrong. I go through a lot to stay this handsome. Like eating six meals a day. I don't think anyone realizes how hard that is. There's lifting involved, and chewing and swallowing and digesting! They just don't understand.

Like last week, I asked Sarah Lion out. Sarah is the prettiest, most popular girl in the whole school, (Not my school, of course, she was home from boarding school for Christmas-my school's only for men) so of course I knew she would like me. She's right fit. Her hair is blond and wavy and she has long legs and a very nice, big chest. She's perfect! Anyway, I asked her out and you know what she did? She laughed! At me! And all her friends started laughing too! And then she said I would have to lose some weight and get smarter and become nicer before she went out with me. And then she said -and would you believe this- "Maybe you should follow your cousin's example. He may be crazy but he's not bad-looking!" and started giggling. How is it that half the girls like Harry, even though I told them he was mad? When I'm home for summer all the girls always ask me about him. Stupid Harry! I bet he uses magic or something to make them like him. Maybe he'll mess it up some day and a pig's tail will grow out of his arse and all the girls will think he's ugly (not that they think I am)! I hope so!

I can't wait for Christmas! I've asked Father Christmas for:

1. A bike

2. A new computer (with at least 10 games)

3. A fishing rod

4. Food (so I won't die of starvation because of my stupid diet!)

5. A new TV

6. A new punching bag (Harry's gotten too fast!)

7. A gun (Dad says he'll take me hunting)

8. A pet turtle

9. A swimming pool in my own back garden (so all the girls will think I'm dead cool!)

10. A pony

11. A pocket computer

12. A portable Gameboy

13. A pair of binoculars (the new girl who moved in next door is well fit!)

14. A mobile phone

15. A motorbike (but I won't let Mum find out!)

16. 32 surprises

I posted my letter yesterday. I hope it gets to Lapland in time! I told Father Christmas I'd beat his reindeer up if he didn't give me everything I wanted.

I got another letter from Harry. It said not to eat the Pumpkin Pasties he gave me because somehow those twins who gave me a big tongue managed to curse them! He gave me a box of 'Sugar Quills' instead. They were nice. And I still have a normal sized tongue. I didn't tell Dad I had eaten them though 'cause he would have gone mental but I asked Mum and she said I could eat them if she tried one first. I think she likes them. She said that once Harry's Mum's friends came over and put a spell on her Mars Bar and it made her sing non-stop for three days. I feel sorry for them. I wonder if they had to buy earmuffs. I've heard Mum sing and it's not pretty! I didn't tell Mum any of this though. I'm not stupid.

By the way, I was right. Mum did send Harry socks, and a scarf but she said if he wasn't grateful she would make him live under the cupboard again. Luckily (for Harry, I mean) he was very thankful and even a little shocked. He even thanked Mum for remembering Gryffindor Pride (whatever that is) and not giving him something green to match his eyes. I think Mum knew what he was talking about. I didn't. Stupid wizards. Harry says he won't be coming home this Easter either but he never comes so why did he write it? Some people are weird (obviously!).

Aunt Marge is coming tomorrow so Mum is fussing about. She made me get my hair cut and I'll have to wear a bow! I'm not twelve anymore! I'd better get a lot of money before this is over!

Anyway, I've got to go! It's time for my second lunch and later we're going shopping for a Christmas tree (Mum doesn't want a real one anymore 'cause she says it messes up the living room. Honestly!). I've enclosed (see that!) Harry's other letter too.

Big D

Dear Aunt Petunia and Dudley,

Thank you Aunt Petunia for the scarf and socks, though it was a surprise. I'm glad you got me red clothes because everyone always gives me green and I can't wear it because of my Gryffindor pride. If a Slytherin were to catch me wearing their House colour I would be unbelievingly ashamed.

I should warn you Dudley that Fred and George Weasley managed to somehow infiltrate my trunk when they came to visit us at Hogwarts and those Pasties I sent you may be hexed. If you do eat them and happen to turn into a canary, don't panic- they wear off after around five minutes.

I hope Uncle Vernon's aright and give my love to Aunt Marge (Ha!). I'll see you in July (I'll be staying at Hogwarts for the Easter break).

Harry

PS Say hello to Mrs. Figg for me.

PPS I asked Mr. Weasley to check up on any magical disturbances in your area recently. You should be back to your normal Scrooge, Harry-hating ways as soon as he can figure out what spell you've got on you!

Gryffindor: Not in my stupid dictionary so it's probably a bad word or Harry made it up. Stupid Harry!

Slytherin: What I said before.

Infiltrate: to pass or cause to pass into something through pores or small openings; to pass through or enter gradually or stealthily.

Canary (-ies): A green or yellow songbird which is popular as a caged bird.