Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

By Aerie22

Chapter Six

America, America

Hermione was jumping up and down, her hand raised as high as she could, which wasn't very high, considering Harry was nuzzling her neck. "Professor Dumbledore! Professor Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore looked around the room, feigning not to notice her until he could stand it no longer. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"So what's the plan?"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes wisely. "I was just coming to that."

"Oh," she said with understanding.

Dumbledore sighed. "You are all going to America."

Lavender's shoulders slumped. "Oh, no. Not America. Not with all those brilliant, beautiful, seductive, sweet Mary Sues." She glanced at Parvati, then Pansy, then Millicent, all of whom looked crestfallen. She then glanced at Blaise, who merely looked enigmatic.

Luna, on the other hand, had a magnifying glass out and was examining Draco's hair, which seemed to be moving of its own accord, for more Stachybotrys Chartarum.

Dumbledore nodded. "I've had a long discussion with the author and he [or she] and I decided that the best way to keep you all out of harm's way would be to send you to America. By setting the story in America, it will keep you away from Voldemort..."

Thunk!

"...and keep the Brit-pickers from driving the author crazy."

Hermione was bouncing up and down in excitement caused only in part from what Harry was doing to that special spot just under her ear. "Does that mean we get to go to Salem Prep? I hear it's almost as good as Hogwarts. And their New England accents are much easier to understand that all those Scots accents at Hogwarts. I mean, who can understand what McGonagall, Moody and Hagrid are talking about half the time."

"No, Miss Granger. Not Salem Prep. They are all Death-Eater wannabes. Voldemort..."

Thunk!

"...won't let them become real Death Eaters so they spend all their time writing monographs about Death Eater lifestyles, Death Eater Eschatology, the Philological origins of Death Eater expressions and the Teleological basis for Death Eating. One has even written a Death Eater Cookbook."

"Ooooo," Parvati said enthusiastically. "I especially liked the recipe for Death Warmed Over."

"Oh," Hermione said. "How about the Wizarding University of California, Berkeley?"

Dumbledore made a face. "We had considered that, Miss Granger. Unfortunately, there was a court ruling requiring squibs and Muggles to be admitted in the same proportion as they exist in the general population. So 99.73% of the enrollment there is from the nonwizarding world. Admitting 16 new students from the wizarding world would have required the school to admit an additional 6,666 Muggle and squib students to conform with the court ruling and, quite honestly, they would be unable to handle it.

"Voodoo U. in New Orleans?" Hermione offered.

Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "They make Sturmdrang look like a convent school. I don't think so."

"The Wizarding University of Phoenix?" she continued.

Dumbledore pursed his lips. "I'm afraid that their facilities are inadequate. They are an internet-based wizarding school. And our sole purpose is to get you all physically to a single location for your schooling. That leaves you with one choice."

"And that is...?" Hermione gasped, wide-eyed in anticipation as Harry nibbled her neck.

"The Appalachiana Wizarding University at Skunk Hollow."

* * *

"America," Harry said wonderingly. "I've always wanted to see America. I've never been there, you know," he said with dreamy eyes.

The assembled group stopped and stared at him.

"What do you mean, you've never been to America? Don't you remember?" Seamus exclaimed. "What about that time in that fanfic when you were falsely accused of Cornelius Fudge's murder and all your friends turned their backs on you and you escaped from Azkaban and fled to New York where you feigned amnesia and was given a new identity and ended up changing your name and appearance and going to business school and becoming a junk bond kingpin and then you and your best friend who was a Muggle returned to Hogwarts when Voldemort..."

Thunk!

"... captured your American girlfriend who was a holiday in London and everyone found out you were innocent after all and were feeling all guilty and stuff?"

Harry frowned. "That's a great story, but it's not finished yet. So maybe at the end I'll wake up and it will all turn out to be a dream."

Parvati jumped in. "Well what about that time when Buffy Summers went on line on the internet and joined a Yahoo newsgroup that you belonged to and started sending you private messages and you responded and you two became real good on-line friends even though you lived 5,000 miles apart but you didn't know that she was a Vampire Slayer and she didn't know you were the legendary wizard who defeated Voldemort..."

Thunk!

"...once and for all and were the Hogwarts DADA teacher and then you went to Sunnydale, California, and met her and battled vampires together and fell in love and ended up in bed together?" she asked.

Harry pondered. This was going to be a tough one. "Oh, that was another good story. I especially liked the going-to-bed-with-Buffy part. But since I am still in between fifth and sixth year at Hogwarts and am just teaching general defense to Dumbledore's Army in my spare time, the author must have had a premonition of my future," he said breathlessly.

"I want to be in Dumbledore's Navy," said Luna, Luna-ly.

Ginny pouted. "Oh, yeah? Well what about that time when Hermione dumped you for Ron and, instead of seeing what was right in front of you all along, you took off on your broom in sorrow and flew and flew until you were exhausted and found yourself above Intermediate School No. 4 in Lincoln, Nebraska, where you crash landed and were rescued by young Brittany Terplanski, who you were so grateful to that you immediately fell in love with her even though she wore braces that her mean mother made her wear even though it caused Randy Sherman, who she really liked, to make fun of her, but that was all right since you were way cooler than Randy Sherman?"

Hermione gasped. 'That wouldn't have happened if only I could have told him how I really felt,' she thought, shivering as Harry ran his fingertips up her spine.

Lavender smacked Ron on the back of the head. "What were you doing going behind my back with Hermione," she whispered angrily.

Ron looked puzzled.

"Voldemort!" Lavender whispered in Ron's ear angrily.

Thunk!

Harry scratched his head. "I haven't seen that one. Is it on ff.net?"

Ginny screwed up her face in concentration. "Probably."

Harry nodded in understanding.

Hermione was jumping up and down, her hand raised. "Professor Dumbledore! Professor Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore sighed. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Where's Appalachiana? I've never heard of it. In primary school, geography was one of my favorite subjects. I memorized all the world capitals and all the provinces in Canada and all the states in the United States and in Australia and all their capitals, but I've never heard of any Appalachiana. Is it in the United States? I know there are the Appalachian mountains in the U.S. And the Rocky Mountains. And the Sierra Nevada Mountains. And the Catskill Mountains. And the Sangre de Cristo Mountains. And the..."

"Miss Granger!" Dumbledore exclaimed wisely.

Hermione suddenly calmed down.

"Appalachiana is a state in the United States. It is in the mountainous region in the Eastern part of the country in the Appalachian Mountains. The reason why no one has heard of it is because it is unplottable, like Hogwarts."

"Or this story," Draco muttered with a sneer.

[A/N: "I heard that, Draco."]

"What?" Draco replied.

[A/N: "I said, I heard that."]

"So?" he said with a smirk.

[A/N: "I would be careful what I said about the author, or her [or his] story if I were you."]

Draco sneered again. "So, what are you going to do about it? You can't kill me. I've seen your rough outline. I'm going to be around at the end."

[A/N: "Well, I suppose I could turn you into a girl...one who would be around at the end."]

Draco gave a skeptical look. "No, you wouldn't do that. Harry is the one who keeps getting turned into a girl in those slash epics."

[A/N: "So, maybe I'll be different..."]

Draco pursed his lips prettily. "Hey, wait a minute. I do not purse my lips 'prettily'," he complained, a look of concern replacing his customary smirk.

[A/N: "See how quickly things can change?"]

Draco frowned. "You wouldn't..."

[A/N: "Heh heh heh. Be very careful, Draco. I am the author. I control the horizontal. I control the vertical. I can tone the prose to a soft blur, or sharpen it to a crystal clarity."]

"Sort of like a junior league Voldemort."

[A/N: "I warned you to watch your mouth, Draco."]

Draco gave a curt nod. "As if..." he muttered under his breath.

[A/N: "I heard that. Okay, Draco. I told you to watch your mouth. Just wait to see what I have in store for you."]

Draco have an involuntary shudder and turned back to the group to see if he had missed anything.

"...the chief industries are mining and manufacturing. The chief crops are apples, peaches, wheat and tobacco. Beef and pork are the primary types of livestock in the region," Hermione continued.

'No,' Draco thought to himself. 'I haven't missed a thing.'

* * *

Dumbledore finally gained control of the group.

"Now, before we go, I have to perform a Fidelis Secret-Keepers charm to make sure you are all protected from..." and he gave Ron a sharp look.

Ron gave sheepish grin and simply lay down to avoid another 'Thunk!'

"...You-Know-Who," Dumbledore said with even another eye roll.

Ron got up again with an embarrassed face.

"Voldemort!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

Thunk!

Dumbledore sighed with a small smile. "All right," he said, beginning an elaborate series of incantations, bringing all the students together to hold hands, except for Ron, who Harry and Lavender dragged into the circle, holding his ankles.

"...corpus delecti. Anno domini. Hocus pocus. E pluribus unum. Res ipsa loquitor. Ubi, o ubi. Meus sub ubi. Presto change-o. There. It's done."

Hermione started jumping up and down. "Professor Dumbledore! Professor Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore sighed. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"What are we all doing here?"

Seamus scratched his head. "I was thinking the same thing myself," he said confusedly.

"And what about them?" Draco said, pointing to the Gryffindors, his face full of sneeringness.

"And why are Harry and Lavender holding my ankles like I was some sort of wishbone?" Ron said from the floor.

Dumbledore frowned, wisely. "You're going to America."

"What's America? Do they have butterbeer there?" Parvati asked.

"And Gladrags?" Pansy asked.

"Is that in Surrey?" Harry asked heroically and dramatically. "Can I commute?"

"What did he say? Where are we going?" Goyle asked, puzzledly.

"We can't tell you," the group chorused.

Dumbledore sighed and waved his wand. "Finite Incantantum."

* * *

"So it's settled," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye. "You are all off to AWUSH."

"I wish I was in some other story," Draco mumbled.

"Not 'I wish'. 'AWUSH'," Hermione whispered earnestly. "Appalachiana Wizarding University at Skunk Hollow."

"I still wish I was in another story. Maybe Cassie Claire or Barb have got something new for me," he muttered with a sneer.

"Not with me in it, I hope," Ginny replied with a frown. "I'm so sick of all those D/G things on fanfiction.portkey.net. Everyone knows that I'm destined to be with Harry, especially on www.gryffindortower.net."

'Not if I could only tell him how I feel,' Hermione thought as Harry massaged her shoulders sensuously.

"Now wait," Lavender exclaimed. "We're leaving now?"

Dumbledore smiled indulgently. "Of course. It will take you some time to settle in, get used to your surroundings, learn the language..."

Hermione blinked, raising her hand enthusiastically.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" Dumbledore asked, rolling his eyes wisely.

"Don't they speak English in Appalachiana, Professor?" she asked earnestly.

Dumbledore peered over his half-moon glasses. "No, Miss Granger. They speak American."

"England and America are two countries separated by a common language."

The group began looking around is confusion. "Who said that?" Seamus asked, then frowned at Dean to keep him from replying.

"George Bernard Shaw," said Luna.

"Is he coming, too?" Pansy asked.

"I hope so," Draco muttered. "At least he might improve the prose of this story."

[A/N: "Okay, Draco. That's it. I'm starting now."]

"Well, let's get ready," Dumbledore said. "Harry, Hermione, and Ron have their things here already. Now let me summon the trunks for the rest of you. Accio trunks!"

Within a minute, the first of the students' trunks began to crash through the windows of the room where they were gathered. Dean's trunk was first and he was about to exclaim something in surprise, but Seamus stopped him with a warning look. Soon, Parvati's large trunk, filled with twelve gowns for all occasions, crashed through, taking not just the window panes, but the sashes as well. Then Lavender's huge makeup trunk arrived, knocking away some of the brickwork. Then Pansy's wardrobe arrived, suitably, in a monstrous wardrobe that broke though the wall, shaking the building. As the students rushed to the now-gaping hole in the side of the building in a panic, they beheld a horrific sight. A full-size industrial shipping container, big enough to destroy the whole floor, was hurtling at them at high speed. They were just able to read the label stenciled in two-foot high letters on the side, before diving for the portkey Dumbledore had produced. As the students felt the familiar tug behind their navel, they reflected on the message on the container. 'HAIR CARE PRODUCTS. PROPERTY OF DRACO MALFOY. TOUCH AND BE DAMNED.'

Draco, spinning rapidly through the aether created by the portkey, sulked. 'Hey, sometimes a guy just wants to feel pretty,' he thought.

"Hey, I didn't think that!" Draco screamed as he swirled toward his destination in America.

[A/N: "Heh, heh, heh."]

* * *

~ To be continued, whether you like it or not.

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