Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

By Aerie22

PART II

Chapter Seven

The New World

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SUMMARY: Harry and Hermione love each other but can't bring themselves to admit it. Will they ever confess their feelings and, if they do...will it tear the trio apart?!? Ron and Lavender like each other but are too stubborn to admit it. Will they act before someone else comes between them? Draco and Ginny hate each other but are forced to do detention together. Will sparks fly? Dumbledore and McGonagall have been dancing around their feelings for 60 years. Their best friends, Professors Sprout and Flitwick, come up with a plan to get the two together. Will it work, or are these two lovers destined forever to remain apart? Justin Finch-Fletchley and Zacharias Smith are locked overnight in Filch's small storage room. Will they each other before they come out of the closet in the morning? Four years ago, the only person Lucius Malfoy ever loved walked out of his life. Will he swallow his pride and apologize, or has he lost Dobby forever? Myrtle loves Tom but is afraid to admit it. Will she find the courage to act on her feelings, or will she be condemned to spend eternity moaning in a girls' toilet while Tom nurses his heartbreak by becoming a Dark Lord and killing thousands? Will anyone ever write a romantic piece of fanfiction where the main characters act more maturely than two socially retarded 12-year-olds? ... OR WILL IT TEAR THE TRIO APART!?!

* * *

Recap: When we last left our story, Professor Dumbledore, after carefully weighing the risks to the students' safety as well and fan-fic demographics, decided to send eight Gryffindors ...

"Nine, you dolt!" Draco Malfoy said with a sneer.

[A/N: "I thought there were eight."]

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Harry, Hermione, Ron, Lavender, Neville, Seamus, Parvati, Ginny, and ...

[A/N: "And what?"]

"... and Dean, you nincompoop! You forgot Dean again!" Malfoy screamed.

[A/N: "Umm ... err ...]

...nine Gryffindors, five Slytherins, and Luna Lovegood, to America to keep them safe. They left by Portkey [the magical transport device, not the H/Hr shippers' site] and are about to arrive. As a matter of fact, I think I hear them now...OMG, LOOK OUT!!!

* * *

Harry landed with a thump in the middle of a primeval forest. He looked around blankly. It was as if no human had ever tread this ground before. Except maybe for the rusted out hulk of a 1954 DeSoto, the piles of empty beer cans, and the galvanized aluminum tank with the spiraling copper tubing coming out of the top which was propped up over a low fire and giving off a sweet, yeasty smell.

Then Hermione appeared with a pop and fell on top of him. Harry grabbed her in a panic to hold her safe from all dangers except those posed by his own desire. They looked longingly into one another's eyes and began to tear at each other's clothes, when Neville's longbottom landed on top of them.

Suddenly, the sky seemed to be raining Gryffindors and Slytherins, with an isolated spot of Ravenclaw on the side.

Harry rose awkwardly to assess the situation and was confronted by one of the largest creatures he had ever laid eyes on. The creature wore a huge set of bib overalls and its face was covered in thick, matted fur. I moved with a lurching gait toward the terrified students. As it stood over Harry, it leaned down and spoke.

"Howdy, y'all," it said with a rumbling voice. "Mah name is Beaufort Haygrid. Ah'm yer Care of Magical Critters teacher. An' welcome ta AWUSH."

The students stared in amazement.

Suddenly, Hermione stood up to face the giant. "Hello, Mr. Haygrid. Pleased to meet you," she said with an earnest, but uncertain smile.

"Hey there, lil' lady. Welcome to Amur-ca."

Hermione continued to smile uncertainly. "Ahhh...excuse me, sir. But aren't you pronouncing it wrong?"

The giant looked puzzled. "What? Amur-ca," he said in his rumbling basso profundo.

Hermione smiled up at him sweetly. "No. 'Hagrid.' I've got .wav files on my Muggle computer of the author, J.K. Rowling, and Miss Rowling pronounces it Hag-rid. Not Hay-grid."

The giant blinked a couple times and scratched his beard. "Wahl, I don't know this Miz Rowlin', and she don't know me. Iffin she did, she woulda put me in her books. I figger iffin she did, she'd have a right nice story ta tell. Maybe make some money fer herself. But we here in Appalachiana pronounce it the right way. Hay-Grid. An' don't ya be messing up ma given name neither. It's Bee-yoo-ferd. Not Bo-for or anythin' like them Frenchies call it."

"Wouldn't it have been easier if your parents had simply named you Buford?" Hermione asked earnestly.

Haygrid shrugged. "They tried to, but they warn't any better at spelling than I am..."

"...or the author," Darco Melfi mutterred quiteley.

"Are you..." Dean started to say before Seamus managed to clamp a hand over his roommate's mouth. "Will you stop wasting what few lines of dialogue you have in the story with obvious questions," Seamus hissed into Dean's ear.

Seamus then turned to the giant man in front of them. "What my friend was going to ask is whether you are related to our Care of Magical Creatures professor at Hogwarts, Rubeus Hagrid?"

The giant scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Nope. Never heard of him."

"Are you a half-giant? Our Hagrid was." Hermione asked earnestly.

"Naw, little lady. Never played fer New York. But I was a Green Bay Packer for a coupla seasons 'til they caught me bettin' on illegal giant slug eating contests."

"I'll bet Weasley would win those contests hands down," Draco said with a sneer.

"I would not," Ginny said pertly.

Ron raised his wand in a fury. "Malfoy, eat sl..."

"Great idea, Red," Haygrid said, slapping Ron's back, knocking him flat. "Ah'm sure yer all hungry after yer trip. Let's go grab some grub."

Draco smirked at Ron's sprawled figure. Then he paused with a quizzical look on his face. 'I do hope they are serving escargot for lunch,' he thought to himself.

Beauford, or should we say Bee-you-ferd, smiled at his charges. "By the way, y'all kin jest call me Hay-grid. Now mind ya, none of that Hag-rid stuff."

The group rose as one and Harry noticed that Haygrid wasn't quite as big as Hagrid. "How big are you?" he asked politely.

Haygrid stopped and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Don't know. I'd say 'bout 7' 5", 'bout 420."

The group looked at him agog in wonder.

Haygrid saw their expressions. "Oh, sorry. Y'all being ferriners an' all, that'd'a be, hmmmm, 'bout 2.3 meters and around 30 stone."

"Oh," the group chorused.

Haygrid was about to turn to lead them to their quarters at AWUSH when he noticed the most beautiful, exquisite creature he had ever laid eyes upon. His mouth began working furiously, but nothing came out. The object of his stare blushed daintily, and lowered her eyes demurely, trying to hide her coquettish smile.

Finally, Haygrid seemed to regain the power of speech. "Whhaa..." he began to rasp out, but his voice caught. He coughed a few times to cover his shyness and discomposure. He took a deep breath and tried again. "What is your name, lovely lady?" he asked with a husky voice.

The young girl flushed an even deeper shade of red as she fluttered her eyelashes seductively. "Millicent Bulstrode," she said in a flirtatious baritone. "But you can call me 'Bull'."

The two gazed eye to eye and realized they were eye to eye. Haygrid gave a ragged sigh. "M'lady. May I escort you to your quarters?"

Millicent giggled girlishly as she took Haygrid's arm and the two led the rest down the cart path.

Pansy leaned over to Lavender. "She's not really as tall as he is, you know," she whispered in a catty voice. "She has got to be wearing three-inch heels."

Lavender looked at the gigantic couple in front of them. "Well, she still is quite statuesque."

Pansy snorted. "Oh, she's just a flirt. A shameless hussy, if you ask me.

* * *

As the students followed the American Haygrid down a long and winding path, they passed several small wizarding villages. And as each one appeared, Dean became more nervous. He began whispering in an animated manner to Seamus [which, of course, doesn't count as dialogue], until Seamus strode up to Haygrid.

"Uhhhh, Professor Haygrid. This is sort of like the American South, right?" Seamus asked enquiringly.

Haygrid paused and pondered. "Yeh, I guess."

"I don't see any Blacks," he said.

Haygrid frowned. "They're around," he muttered.

Seamus shuffled uncertainly and looked back a Dean. He cleared his throat. "What do people here think of the Blacks?"

Haygrid's brow furrowed. His face took on a dark and clouded look. "Well, we all don't particularly care for the Blacks aroun' here," he growled. "Lazy, shiftless lot. Not like the Whites."

Suddenly, the Gryffindors took on angry looks and several reached for their wands. Even Goyle took on an angry, uncertain look until Draco and Crabbe shrugged and shook their heads.

Haygrid's visage took on an even darker tone. "And the new one is the worst," he said in a low, angry tone. "Matter a fact, I see him over there behind that woodshed."

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"Isn't it kind of late in the game for spoiler alerts?" Draco hissed.

[A/N: "How about a 'Spoiled brat' alert," the author said in a huff.]

The students, in near uproar, turned to look over toward the woodshed, when a man with long, unkempt black hair and a wolfish grin peered around the corner.

"SIRIUS BLACK!!!" the students chorused. "WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!!"

Sirius's eyes lit up with joy. Then he blushed a little at his reception and a lot at the fact that he was wearing only his skivvies. He reached back and an elegant, delicately manicured hand handed him his trousers.

"Ummmm, hi gang," he said with an embarrassed grin. "Uhhhh, hey, Harry. What are all of you doing here?"

"We're going to school here," he said, chest heaving. Harry, suddenly feeling as if a dam had broken within him, ran and threw himself into his godfather's arms, causing Sirius's partially buttoned trousers to fall down again.

"Sirius, you're alive," Harry cried.

By this time, Hermione and Ron had joined the embrace, crying furiously, except maybe in Ron's case, who was too manly to cry, especially in front of Lavender, unless she was in one of her 'looking for a sensitive man' moods. So instead, he just shed silent tears.

"What happened," Harry cried.

Sirius, trying to reach for his trousers, smiled in happiness at the reunion. "The veil--it was a transporter room. After I fell through, I found myself here," he said with passion, reveling in the love he felt from his young friends.

Harry leaned back, tears in his eyes. "But what about all the things Remus and Dumbledore said about the VEIL OF DOOM!?!"

Sirius looked uncomfortable. "Ask the author."

[A/N: *Shrug* "I'm making this up as I go along."]

"But why didn't you let us know?" Hermione cried.

Sirius blushed a beet red. "Uhhh...I've been...busy...?"

"And who have you been getting busy with this time, Sirius," came a deep Shakespearean baritone voice.

The group turned to see a tall, elegant-looking black wizard.

("That's African-American Wizard, if you please," said the tall, elegant-looking African-American Wizard.)

Sirius shrunk down. "Hello, Reverend White," he said with a sheepish look.

"At it again, is he," Haygrid muttered to the clergyman.

Reverend White sighed. "Well, Sirius?"

Sirius turned in embarrassment to the group of students. "Ahhh....ummm...may I introduce you to one of your new classmates...Mary Sue Collins."

A stunning, statuesque blond stepped out from behind the woodshed, brushing her robes which, for some unknown reason were being worn inside-out. "Hi, y'all," she said in a throaty, sensuous voice.

Harry, Hermione and Ron stared in amazement. Especially Harry and Ron.

Sirius cleared his throat. "And may I introduce another of your classmates...Bobbi Sue Blake.

A stunning, statuesque brunette stepped out from behind the woodshed, brushing her robes which, for some unknown reason were being worn backwards. "Hi, y'all," she said in a throaty, sensuous voice.

Harry, Ron and, in fact, all other the male students, stared at her as if in a trance.

"And may I introduce another of your classmates...Peggy Sue Williams.

A stunning, statuesque redhead stepped out from behind the woodshed, brushing her robes which, for some unknown reason, she had failed to put on. "Hi, y'all," she said in a throaty, sensuous voice.

"And may I introduce another of your classmates...Betty Sue Richardson.

A stunning, statuesque raven-haired woman stepped out from behind the woodshed, brushing her robes which, for some unknown reason, were torn in several places. "Hi, y'all," she said in a throaty, sensuous voice.

"And may I introduce another of your classmates..."

"We get the picture," Hermione said in a huff, grabbing Harry's hand, which hung lifeless from his quivering body. "Harry," she said in his ear. "Harry! ... Harry!!!! .... HARRY!!!!!!!"

Giving up, she knocked him over and dragged him back by the collar to the rest of the students.

Lavender didn't bother with the niceties. Ron's head found itself on the receiving end of a block of wood from the woodshed. Lavender dragged his unconscious body back to the group. But even the blow couldn't remove the smile from his face.

Haygrid shook his head. "I tole ya them Blacks were lazy, shiftless good-fer-nothin's."

"You got that right," Reverend White said nodding.

* * *

Author's note: I'm sorry for taking so long with this update. A lot of things have been going on in my life. I....

"You're sorry?" Draco said with a sneer. "What about things happening--or not happening--in our lives? Do you know what it's like to spend nearly a year and a half traveling by portkey? Do you have any conception of what that wait was like?"

[A/N: "Well ... yes. We all do. After all, we all were left spinning like tops after Goblet of Fire, waiting two whole years for OotP! And we've been holding our breaths, fighting savage shipper wars and Brit-picking each other apart and applying Talmudic logic to punctuation lapses in OotP to foretell Harry's future like Trelawney on crack, for what seems like forever for Harry Potter and the Green-Flame Torch, only to find out it has been changed to the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. [Why did JKR abandon Green Flame Torch and what did she do with the manuscript, anyway? Was it too controversial? Too hot for a children's book? Did the romantic scenes between Umbridge and Ronan really go that far?] And we still have at least another six months to wait for HBP! And now that JKR has had another child, who knows how much longer that wait will last beyond that.]

Draco scowled, but for once nodded in sympathy.