Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

By Aerie22

Chapter Five

The Gathering Storm

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[Warning: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THE FOLLOWING: BSO, BDSM, Chan, Chanslash, D/S, f/f, Femslash, filk, Gary Stus, h/c, kink, lemons, m/m, Mary Sues, n/c, RL, RPS, slash, smut, squick, XOs, or Yaoi. However, there may be some humorous SquEEEEE and homodiegetic voices, along with a heaping helping of surrealism.]

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"What are those three asterisks doing up there, Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione asked. "Did a chapter just end? Is this the beginning of a new chapter?"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes. Hermione was definitely turning into a major pain. Maybe Snape was right. Maybe we should turn her into a...

"No, Miss Granger," he replied wisely. "The author was just pausing to collect some thoughts on the next phase of our story. However, at some point in the future, he..."

[or she--what gender is Aerie, anyway? In French, it's feminine. The same for German. And in Spanish. Hmmmm, the author ponders. Curious, he/she thinks as he/she casually rubs his/her stubble, wondering whether it's time to shave his/her beard/legs.]

"...decides that a chapter break is in order, the asterisks would provide her [or him, as the author scratches in an inappropriate place] with guidance as to where that chapter break should occur."

[A/N: The chapter did end and a new one began. I just didn't tell Dumbledore, who thinks he's still in Chapter Three. Don't you just hate those all-knowing characters who always have all the answers? I do. Being all-knowing is the author's job.]

" 'Four,' you idiot," Draco muttered with a sneer.

[A/N: "'Four' what?"]

" 'Dumbledore thinks he's still in Chapter Four.' We're in Chapter Five, now," the Slytherin whispered to the author under his breath.

[A/N: "I knew that."]

"Oh," Hermione responded to Dumbledore's question from above.

[A/N: "We wouldn't have needed that 'above' clarification but for a certain silver-blond-haired someone who interrupted the whole train of the narrative."]

"And what a freight train it was," Draco sneered.

[A/N: "Watch it, Draco."]

Hermione was still pondering Dumbledore's response to her asterisk question when she was distracted as Harry squeezed her bottom. 'If only Harry knew how I felt about him,' she thought to herself.

"Now, can we get back to the purpose of this meeting?" Dumbledore asked, trying desperately to manage a twinkle.

After some mumbled discussion, Dean began to say something, but Seamus elbowed him. "Not now," he whispered.

"Okay," Parvati replied.

Dumbledore drew himself up. "It seems that Voldemort is back again, for the fifth time in six books. The entire wizarding world is in danger. But none more than all of you. Voldemort wants no one more than Harry, here. And he will do anything to kill or capture him. Which means that Miss Granger and Mister Weasley are at particular risk, as those two are his closest friends, for whom Harry would do anything, including risk his own life, and the fate of the series, not to mention the millions Ms. Rowling stands to earn from her next two books, the movies, the merchandizing, the ancillary rights, etc."

"But what about the rest of us?" Pansy asked pertly, glancing seductively at Draco.

"Yes, what about us," Blaise asked pertly, glancing seductively at Draco, which, in turn, drew frowns from Parvati and Neville, respectively.

Dumbledore lowered his head and turned to Neville. "Well, now. Neville, you've gone from a minor character in the canon used mainly for some comic relief to a major character sparking endless speculation, thanks to your efforts in the Department of Mysteries and the prophesy."

"What prophesy?" Neville asked anxiously.

"Why, the secret prophesy," Dumbledore replied.

"Oh, that prophesy," Neville said, paging rapidly through his copy of OotP to see what the hell Dumbledore was talking about.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "As I said, Neville has become a major character who now is surrounded by speculation, which means he is probably safe, at least for book six," Dumbledore said, before turning back to Neville. "But we like having you around so that's why you are here." ('Mainly for comic relief,' Dumbledore thought.)

"The same goes for Luna. You are now a significant character, so you are probably safe...for now," Dumbledore continued.

"Weasley can save everything, he never leaves a single ring," she replied with probing intelligence.

"Ginny, on the other hand, is a major character at risk in book six. Her death could cause Harry endless grief and self-recrimination akin to what he felt at the end of book five when Sirius hid behind the VEIL OF DOOM!!! [or whatever the hell else that thing was]. So that is why she has to be protected."

Ginny gave the headmaster a perky nod, showcasing her rapid growth in terms of depth and maturity since the publication of OotP.

Dumbledore took a deep breath. "The rest of the Gryffindors have their own small followings, but are admittedly minor characters. None of you have indispensable roles to play in the story. And that makes you cannon [and canon] fodder. Your deaths could serve to advance the story without adversely affecting it in the long run. So you must be protected."

There as some grumbling by Seamus, Dean and Parvati.

However, Lavender leaned over to Ron.

"Do you think that if we slept together, I'd become an indispensable major character," she whispered.

"Oh, definitely," Ron replied, his eyes wide.

Dumbledore turned and focused directly at Dean. "And you are the one who is most at risk, Lee."

Dean went to reply, but Seamus poked him.

"Not Lee. Dean. He's Dean Thomas, Professor. Lee Jordan graduated last year," Seamus said.

"Oh," Dumbledore said wisely. "One of my more brilliant mistakes and, between you and me, that is saying something, if I must say so myself."

Dean went to say something again, but Seamus poked him again. "But why is Dean most at risk?" he said.

Dumbledore shuffled nervously. "Well...ahhh...because in all these stories, the nice black kid always dies first. It's a rule."

Dean now started to say something angrily, but Seamus clamped his hand over his friend's mouth. "That's stupid. It's like all those comments about Mudbloods and half-bloods and pure bloods. Next thing you know, you'll be telling us that the reason you've let the Dursleys torture Harry all these years is because of his blood."

"Well..." Dumbledore replied wisely.

There were a few moments of angry silence before it was broken by the silver-blond haired Slytherin with a sneer. "What about us?" Draco said sneeringly.

Dumbledore sighed.

"Well, Mister Malfoy. It seems that you still are Harry's nemesis. And since you seemed not to abandon your Death-Eater-in-Training ways in book five, giving one of the finest one-note performances on record by the way, and given that Voldemort..."

Thunk!

At this point, Ron fainted at the repeated use of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's name.

Lavender grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and hoisted him to his feet. "What a wuss," she muttered. "Maybe I should try Blaise. He's hot."

"No, she's mine," Neville sputtered.

"No, he's mine," Parvati replied sharply.

"Cut it out," Draco said with a sneer, giving Blaise a speculative look. He suddenly shook his head and turned back to Dumbledore. "You were saying, Professor?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Well, given that Voldemort..."

Thunk! Ron fainted again.

"...has acted precipitously in the past and given that he is dumb as a post, it is likely that he will attempt to force a major confrontation between you and Harry in book six, which might result in one or both of your deaths. And that would play havoc with book seven. I mean really. 'Neville Longbottom & The Final Conflict'?"

"Hey, I like that," Neville said. "What do you think, Blaise."

"Shut up, Neville," Parvati exclaimed.

Hermione was once again jumping up and down. "Professor Dumbledore! Professor Dumbledore!" she cried.

"Yes, Miss Granger," he groaned wisely.

"How can Volde..." and she stopped, peering over at Ron who was bracing himself to keel over again.

"...ahem," she continued. "How can that bad guy, you know, the one with the bad name..."

"Leave my father out of this," Draco snarled, angrily.

"Mine, too," said Crabbe, angrily.

"Huh?" said Goyle, angrily.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Okay, how can He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named be dumb if he's supposed to be the second most powerful wizard in the world?"

Dumbledore preened, wisely. "Well, Miss Granger, might I point out a salient fact or two to you. This supposedly powerful wizard was defeated by a one-year-old infant boy at the start of book one, an eleven-year-old boy at the end of book one and a twelve-year-old boy in book two. In book four, he concocted an elaborate plot that took 734 pages to explain, only to be foiled by a fourteen-year-old boy. And he used all his wits and wiles over the course of 870 pages [slightly fewer in the U.K., because of the complete censoring by British authorities of a major new character: Puff the Magic Dragon. Too bad you Brits missed Chapters 21, 30 and 38 of our version. Absolutely hysterical. And the Harry-Hermione snogging sessions...whoa, hot stuff.], only to be foiled again, this time by a fifteen-year-old boy."

Crabbe scratched his head. "Boy, those five boys must be smart," he muttered.

An annoyed Draco jammed his wand in Crabbe's ear.

Ron pondered. "I guess that if You-Know-Who is the second most powerful wizard in the world, I guess that makes Harry the firstest most powerful wizard in the world."

Dumbledore suddenly had a coughing fit and stared angrily at Ron.

Finally recovering, Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Be that as it may, a precipitous conflict between you, Draco, and Harry likely would involve the other members of your house, putting them all at risk, to nearly the same extent as the Gryffindor minor characters. Especially you, Mister Goyle."

Goyle suddenly looked up, startled. "Why me? I'm not black...Am I?"

"Oh, excuse me," Dumbledore said wisely.

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