Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey

By Aerie22

Chapter Four

De Profundis

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[NOTE: No Weasleys were harmed in the making of this chapter. Well...maybe Ron, but it was all Lavender's fault.]

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Professor Dumbledore looked over the packed room, his eyes twinkling wisely.

They were all there. The Gryffindors. Harry and Hermione. Ron and Lavender. Seamus and Neville. Parvati and Ginny.

And the Slytherins. Draco and Pansy. Crabbe and Goyle. Millicent and Blaise.

Seamus raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Finnegan?" Dumbledore said with a fond smile.

"Ahh, Professor?" he asked tentatively. "Where's Dean?"

Dumbledore paused in mid-twinkle. "Ummm...Dean who?"

Seamus blushed. "Uhhh...Dean Thomas. My roommate and best friend. The black kid? You know, the tall one who is artistic and likes football rather than Quidditch. The one who is referred to on occasion but who never seems to do anything or be involved in the story."

"Bugger," Dumbledore muttered wisely. He waved his wand. There was a *pop* and Dean appeared, looking startled. He apparently had been caught in the middle of growing his hair out so he could wear it in funky dreadlocks, like Lee Jordan did, hoping this would give him a higher profile and larger following, giving him a chance to play a bigger role in upcoming stories. Unfortunately, he had only completed the left side and had a distinctly lop-sided look.

"Uhhhh...what up?" Dean said, banishing the half-dreadlocked look.

Seamus poked him. "Shhh," he whispered. "You only have a few lines in this story. Don't use them all up right at the beginning."

Dean nodded.

Harry raised his hand.

"Yes, Harry," Dumbledore said with a concerned look.

Harry pursed his lips. "Well, professor. What about the other two Gryffindor girls in our year? You know, the ones who may or may not exist?"

Dumbledore frowned. Should he tell them? It was a long and tortuous story. About two young girls, excited about coming to Hogwarts. And how they met each other on the Hogwarts Express, and found they both shared a dark secret. How they found they were both illegal Animagi. And how they overslept their arrival and missed the formal sorting. And how they were privately sorted into Gryffindor House in the Headmaster's office. But how, on the way to Gryffindor Tower, they encountered Professor Quirrell, who frightened them into turning into their Animagus forms: cats. And how Voldemort, through Quirrell, cast a spell on them, fixing them in their Animagus forms. And how McGonagall heard about it and managed to track one of them down and sent her to a countercharm specialist at Diagon Alley. But how the countercharm specialist failed, only managing to change the girl's sex. And how, in his embarrassment, the specialist failed to notice how the newly minted tomcat escaped and was captured and kept in a pet store. And how two years later, a young third-year Gryffindor named Hermione Granger bought the cat and named him Crookshanks and took him back to Hogwarts. And how Crookshanks met up with his/her old friend and fellow Animagus, now adopted by Hogwarts's caretaker Argus Filch and named Mrs. Norris. And how Crookshanks and Mrs. Norris fell in love. And how they went at it like two cats in heat at every opportunity. And how Crookshanks found that the one way for the two to resume their human form, if only briefly, was by getting excited (if you know what I mean). Which was why Crookshanks followed Hermione, Parvati and Lavender into the showers as often as possible. And why Mrs. Norris haunted the Astronomy Tower at night and then would go running off whenever the students started to get hot and heavy, raising the false rumor that she was a spy for Filch. When in reality, she was running off to that special broom closet where she would meet up with Crookshanks and where they take on their human form and go at it like...well...two cats in heat.

'No,' Dumbledore thought. 'Nobody should be subjected to a story like that.'

Dumbledore relaxed visibly. "Oh, well, the two mystery Gryffindor girls don't exist."

"Okay," Harry said, nodding with a satisfied look, despite waiting ten minutes for Dumbledore to respond. After all, a brilliant mind like Professor Dumbledore's needed time to work its magic. Particularly a brilliant mind like Professor Dumbledore's that was about 150 years old and well past mandatory retirement age in most professions. 'Thank goodness we're only relying on him to save the world, and not something really important like driving a bus,' Harry thought. "I always kind of wondered about that," he said with a placating smile.

Ron frowned, his arm possessively around Lavender's waist. She let out a cute, brainless giggle. "Yeah, but what about them," he said, jerking his thumb back at the Slytherins.

Lavender flushed with pride that Ron managed to deliver a line without once losing his temper or blushing furiously or saying 'Whoa' or 'Wicked' in amazement.

Dumbledore looked nonplussed. "Mister Weasley. They are necessary to add an element of danger and dramatic tension to the story. Further, demographic studies show that Draco continues to have a strong following, especially among younger teenage girl readers, particularly among the ones who love the bad boys in boy bands. After all, we wouldn't want to lose the D/G and D/Hr shippers now, would we?"

"Not to mention the H/D shippers," Ron whispered to Harry, with an evil grin.

Harry elbowed Ron. "This is a non-Slash story, you git," he whispered harshly.

"You never know," Ron retorted. "All those unresolved tensions. The whole love-hate thing."

But Harry now was busy snogging Hermione.

Ron shook his head, sadly. 'Denial,' he thought. 'Its' not just a river that provides the metaphorical basis for a psychoanalytical cliché commonly used among the brain-dead psuedointellectuals and sit-com comedians.'

Hermione leaned into Harry's kiss, responding tenderly but enthusiastically, grabbing his tight, firm butt. 'If only I could show him how I really felt,' she thought.

Dumbledore continued. "And you can't have Draco without Crabbe and Goyle. And Pansy, to add some sexual tension whenever Draco is around and to provide someone for young girls to hate. And I thought that, if we have those four, we might just as well throw in the other identifiable Slytherins from Draco's year."

Parvati sighed. "I think Blaise is hot. He sure looks good."

Neville gave a half smile. "She sure does."

A sudden rumbling could be heard from above. Wands were unsheathed all around, led by Harry, who held his wand high above his head as if he were posing for a publicity still to promote the DVD version of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when the ceiling gave way. Out of the ceiling, trailing pieces of ductwork, tumbled a young woman with long, mousy blonde hair and large gray-blue eyes. She fell directly on Harry, flattening him and leaving him in a disheveled heap with glasses askew as if he were posing for a publicity still to promote the DVD version of Monty Python and the Chamber of Secrets. A frightened Hermione threw herself on Harry, straddling him in a concerned and passionate embrace as if she were posing for a publicity still to promote the DVD version of Hairy Rotter and the Chamber of Secret Desires.

"Hmmmm, I saw that one," Ron said with a glazed look. "Fred and George took me to see it. It was wonderful," he said in a quiet, dreamy voice.

"Yeahhhh," said Seamus in a soft, thoughtful voice. "It was much better than Hairy Rotter and the Philosopher's Bone."

"Ummmm," said Draco with a dreamy sneer. "I especially liked the scene with the trapeze..."

Seamus turned with unfocused eyes to Draco. "You know who the main character in that scene reminds me of?"

Suddenly, the three's eyes seemed to focus and widen as they turned toward Blaise Zabini, who simply smiled enigmatically.

Ron cleared his throat. "I hear they're making a new one. Harry Rotter and the Prisoner of As..."

Lavender suddenly smacked him on the back of the head.

And Pansy twisted Draco's ear.

And Millicent poked Seamus playfully in the back, propelling him 20 feet across the room and into the wall.

"Ron! No ad-libbing! Author's instructions! We're supposed to be doing the group 'shock and surprise scene'," Lavender hissed.

Draco nodded with a sneer.

Seamus staggered back to the group.

Dumbledore frowned and nodded. "Are we ready?"

There were nods around the room.

"Okay, then."

They all assumed a look of shock and surprise. Except for Crabbe and Goyle, who got them mixed up and took on a look of surprise and shock.

"Loony Luna Lovegood?" the group chorused.

Draco elbowed Crabbe, who elbowed Goyle.

"Oh, yeah," Crabbe muttered.

"Blooby Looba Glubgloob," Crabbe and Goyle chorused.

Ron bent down and hoisted Luna by the collar to her feet. She smiled sweetly at him with a vacant stare. "Hello, Ronald."

Ron blushed a furious color at the nearness of the pretty, waif-like young woman.

She fluttered her eyes. "Really, Ronald. Your face has the chameleonic character of a Flummoxed Flanoogle. It's amazing how it can change from a pasty, but adorably freckled tone, to bright crimson in a matter of seconds."

"Keep it up, Ronald, and we'll see how fast your face can go from bright crimson to black and blue," Lavender growled.

"But Luna. What were you doing in the ceiling?" Dean asked.

Seamus rolled his eyes. "Dean!" he whispered in exasperation. "What did I tell you? You don't have that many lines in this story. So stop wasting them all on obvious questions!"

Luna gave the group a dreamy smile. "Oh, I was just looking for some Stachybotrys Chartarum."

"What's a Stratchie Chootchie?" Draco asked with a characteristic sneer.

Luna turned her dreamy gaze on the Slytherin boy. "Oh, it's a magical form of toxic mold that inhabits building ductwork. Until now, the only people who have been able to see it are class-action personal injury lawyers."

"Professor Dumbledore! Professor Dumbledore!" Hermione exclaimed, her hand raised urgently as she jumped up and down.

Dumbledore smiled sweetly at her. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

Hermione took a deep breath. "Professor Dumbledore. There seems to be a curious amalgamation of personages within this group. While there seemed at first to be a pattern, the sixth-year Gryffindors and sixth-year Slytherins, there seem to be a growing set of anomolies. First, we know there are more than six Slytherins in sixth year. However, there are only six here. Second, Ginny Weasley, while a Gryffindor, is nonetheless not in sixth year but is, in fact, in her fifth year. Now we have Luna Lovegood who not only is not in sixth year but also is, in fact, a Ravenclaw. These anomolies are beginning to build to the point where the unifying framework of this story is beginning to break down."

Dumbledore stared intently at the smartest witch in Hogwarts. He was rapidly coming to the conclusion that she had potential. Real potential. The potential of becoming the biggest pain in the ...

"Ahem," Dumbledore intoned magisterially. "First of all, Miss Granger, I would like to point out that you misspelled the word 'anomalies' twice in your last question."

Hermione began blushing furiously.

"Second of all..."

There was a sudden pounding on the door.

Everybody froze. Except, of course, for Harry, who bravely and selflessly whipped out his wand and, taking his most dramatic and heroic pose, aimed it dramatically and heroically at the door. Dumbledore put his finger to his lips and everyone leaned forward to listen intently to who might be there.

The pounding started again.

"Hello?" The voice through the door was clearly that of a young woman. "Is anyone in there?"

Harry and Hermione suddenly turned and looked at each other in horror. So did thousands of H/Hr shippers around the world. Along with thousands of H/G shippers. And tens of millions of H/D and H/SS shippers (or so it would seem by the sudden influx of fics featuring those 'ships on the major fanfic sites).

"Hello?!? It's me. Cho Chang."

No one spoke or moved. Even the Stachybotrys Chartarum, which were swirling around in the air, looking for a place to settle on Draco, stopped in mid-swirl.

"Come on! I know you're all around here somewhere! Let me in! Jo Rowling promised me I would be more than just a walk-on in books four and five!" Cho cried.

There was a suddenly thumping set of footsteps heard outside. A deep male voice with a distinctive brogue was heard.

"Hey, lassie. Whot're yeh doin' 'ere?"

There was a pause. "Professor Moody? I heard that the cast was assembling here. But nobody gave me the official notice. So I decided to come by to see what was going on."

There was a rumbling from just outside the door as Moody was doing his version of hemming and hawing. Finally, Moody managed to clear his throat. "Ain't yeh heard, young lassie? Book six is teh be set at Beauxbatons. Yeh best be getting' yer little tail over teh there if'n yeh want a featured part in it. And remember. Trust no one," he growled.

"Isn't his catch-phrase supposed to be 'Constant Vigilance'," Hermione whispered earnestly.

Parvati stared at her with an exasperated expression. "That is SO book four. Get with it, girlfriend. This is book six," she whispered back.

There was a sudden angry squeak and the sound of a foot making impact with the door. "Damn them!" Cho could be heard to exclaim. "Jo Rowling promised."

The group listened as they heard a dainty set of feet clomping delicately down the hallway. After a few moments, there was a quiet series of knocks on the door. Dumbledore opened it in a crack. "Clear?" he asked.

"Why yes, Albus, cher. I do believe the coast is, shall we say, clear," Moody said in a suddenly silky, seductive voice. "Now Albus, dear. Be a doll and let Tonks know that the bird has flown and should not be allowed..."

Suddenly, Moody noticed sixteen additional pairs of eyes looking at him with astonishment. His eyebrows shot up so rapidly that the spirit gum on his forehead let go and Moody's 'Magic' eye fell off.

"Well, ummm...ahhhh. Aye, the lassie's gone," he said, attempting to regain his composure. He rapidly shut the door, unfortunately on Dumbledore's beard, and was gone.

After some struggling with the door, the beard, and his dignity, Dumbledore turned back to his charges.

"Well, as I was saying, there are reasons for how we assembled this team, reasons only known to a select few, including the senior members of the Order of the Phoenix and the author." (Who owns none of the characters, which remain the sole property of J.K. Rowling and the other copyright owners.)

"I know why," Luna said dreamily as she swayed back a forth, humming 'Weasley Is Our King.' (Which also is the sole property of J.K. Rowling and the other copyright holders.)

"Luna!" Dumbledore exclaimed in an alarmed voice.

"I know why. It was in Daddy's story in the Quibbler. Part LXII on Magical Creatures and Fantastic Beasties: 'Shippers."

Dumbledore sighed with resignation. "All right. Cho isn't here because, although her 'Q' scores have risen abruptly since OotP, she has very high negative numbers. Mostly, we think, because of a fan campaign to disparage her, led by such rabid H/Hr shippers as Harree&Hermee4Ev-va, Mrs_Hermione_X_Q_Potter, Not-a-Chance-He-Is-Mine, Hands_Off_Cho_You_Bitch and [email protected]."

Hermione blushed and smiled an evil secret smile as she clutched Harry's arm. She reflected in the brilliance of her plan to flood fandom with anti-Cho innuendo under a host of false 'net names through countless remailers and endless spam. 'But who is Saddam?' she pondered.

Forgetting that, she sighed. 'Maybe someday he'll see me as a girl and know I love him,' she thought as Harry stuck his tongue in her ear sensuously.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued. "Ginny, of course, retains her own strong following. And Luna's positive rating with fandom has gone through the roof..."

"Don't you mean the ceiling," Draco murmured with a sneer.

"...particularly among H/Hr shippers who see her as a potential distraction to Ron and R/Hr shippers, who see her as a potential distraction to Harry. So we decided to include her in the story to provide heightened romantic tension and, as a Ravenclaw, some intellectual competition for Hermione."

"He didn't let the Quaffle in, Weasley is our King," Luna replied insightfully.

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