We Are Death Eaters!

"So, Draco, how was your day?"

All three Malfoys were seated at a beautiful dining room table, almost too big to be worthy of the small family. At on end of the table sat Lucius, his hands working diligently to cut a piece of steak. At the other, Narcissa, who looked up at her son with interest while sipping on the finest wine available in Knockturn Alley. Draco, who was sitting smack-dab in the center of the grand dinner, shrugged.

"Not a lot. Woke up, did my hair (by the way, mum, I need more gel), fancied a shag with Pansy, smoked on one of those long-lasting blunts wizards sell behind Madame Morganna's, bought some new robes without anyone's permission, and that was about it." Draco returned to eating his mashed potatoes.

Narcissa's jaw dropped slightly, but Lucius smiled and said, "Good boy."

"Draco, I told you that I don't want you smoking illegal drugs! Why not just smoke cigarettes, or-"

"Narcissa, when I was his age I did the same thing. It's perfectly natural for a boy his age to experiment-"

Narcissa got up, pushed the chair in, and left, saying loudly, "Whatever, Lucius, you know everything."

Lucius watched her leave, and for a second Draco thought he would break down and go after her, but instead he smirked and gave a little chuckle. The power of male Malfoys was truly divine. He turned back to Draco and rolled his eyes.

"Women. That's why after we kill all the Mudbloods, half-breeds and homosexuals, we'll kill women next. Definitely kill the women."

The Dark Lord was watching Star Wars in his room at the Riddle House. He admired Darth Vader above all other evil-doers. He wished he could deliver earth-shattering news to someone like Vadar had done to Luke Skywalker. "Luke, I am your father." Brilliant...if only Voldemort had a son. The best part in the entire movie was approaching when Wormtail tip-toed into the room cautiously, holding a manual titled, "You-know-Who: The Ministry's Guide to Survival".

"M-My Lord?"

Voldemort sighed heavily and blew up his DVD player in exasperation. "Yes, Wormtail?"

"The manuals have been finished and sent out with the corrections the Death Eaters have made on them."

Voldemort snatched the manual from Wormtail's sweaty grasp and flipped to the first chapter, reading with interest.

Chapter 1: Safety Precautions for your Home

Admittedly, there is not much you can do to protect your home. Spells that lock doors, windows and any other openings must be applied at least once every three to five days (see 'Household Spells', pg. 123) The best thing to do is run around and scream like a little girl. All muggle-borns should be locked out of the home as a sacrifice. Either way, you will be killed very, very dead. Resistance is futile.

It is imperative that all fireplaces are closely monitored. Make sure that your fireplace is registered with the Ministry. In order to keep your fire safe, be sure to have a floo alarm attached to the inside of your fireplace make sure Death Eaters are entering through the front door. That way, they will not use the floo network, and that makes Nott happy because he is allergic to floo powder.

House-elves should be told not to let anyone into your home without permission ready with meals and money when the Death Eaters arrive. This might keep the Death Eaters from torturing you, and you might even be killed painlessly. Also, should the Dark Lord arrive, have the house elves sing a round of rapper Eminem's 'Without Me'. That boosts his ego.

"I love it! The entire wizard population will be completely vulnerable to our forces with this! Tell the boys I said good job, and that I wish them to come over for movie night at my place around seven."

"Sir?" Wormtail squeaked, twiddling his thumbs.

"What, you pathetic piece of dung whom I had the misfortune of initiating into the Death Eaters?"

"Can I come too?" Wormtail looked like an excited puppy.

"Well...only if you bring popcorn." Voldemort felt a twinge of regret after saying this, but hey, he got the popcorn last time.

________________________________________________________________________

"Bellatrix? I was wondering if you would like to discuss death and murder over dinner tonight?" Severus Snape was failing to keep the nervousness out of his voice as the two Death Eaters were looming over a long list of candidates for the next Minister of Magic. Bellatrix shook her head as she skimmed down the long list.

"I'm sorry Severus, but I really need to get some sleep tonight. I have a big date tomorrow."

Snape's eyes grew big. "Surely you and the Dark Lord aren't-"

"No, of course not! I have a husband, you idiot!" Bellatrix was blushing however, and Snape saw through her act and abruptly dropped his parchment.

"I better report to Dumbledore!"

Bellatrix looked up at him, eyes narrowed. "What did you say?"

Snape felt sweat drip down his neck. "Did I say that aloud?"

"Yes."

"I, erm said...I like s'mores! Because you always want some more!"

Bellatrix laughed shrilly. "I LOVE S'MORES!"