We Are Death Eaters!

"Dark Lord, I have a question."

"Yes, my favorite double-agent?" Voldemort had turned his usually dark and drafty room into a comfortable hangout covered in sleeping bags and candy wrappers. Voldemort invited Severus, Rabastian, Rodolphus, Lucius and Barty Jr. to attend his slumber party (which he called a secret Death Eater meeting, but they all new what was going on). Voldemort had just popped in Titanic, and all six evil-doers sat wide-eyed around the glowing television set.

Snape was the only one not sighing at Jack's every word.

"I was just wondering why we aren't watching something like The Exorcist, or Hannibal, you know..."

Voldemort laughed. "Obviously you haven't seen the end of the movie. Everyone dies!" Promptly, everyone burst out into evil laughter.

"Shh! Wormtail's already asleep!" Lucius and the Lestrange brothers loomed over the snoring Death Eater with gleams of mischief in their eyes.

"Let's kill him!" Lucius crawled over to his bag and pulled out a long, jagged dagger from under his security blanket. No one asked about the blanket, though there were small snorts of laughter.

"No, Lucius, Wormtail's a good little henchman. No, I say we put shaving cream in his hands and tickle him!" A chorus of silent cheers broke out as the Dark Lord waved his wand lazily; causing two large cans of shaving cream and a feather to fall from out of thin air onto the pillow beside him. Voldemort batted away Rabastian's eager hands and opened the can. He crawled over to the drooling Wormtail and slowly turned his hand palm-up. The others were stuffing their mouths with their fists as a large glob of white foam eased into his hand. Voldemort hushed the Death Eaters once more, and grazed Wormtail's cheek with the feather. He snorted, but simply rolled his head the other way. On the second try, however, Wormtail slapped himself loudly and the cream splattered across his face.

Voldemort was shaking in silent laughter. Lucius leaned over too, and put two dots of cream on his eyes, which Wormtail absently rubbed. Now there was no hiding the laughter as Wormtail got up, yelping in pain, and went to the bathroom to wash his eyes out.

"The sign's crooked, Narcissa," Mrs. Parkinson grumbled, turning it upright with her wand. It was a hot, dry summer day. The MAM mothers were standing outside next to a small table that displayed a variety of sweets, and cups of lemonade. A rickety sign hung above the display bearing the words 'Bake sale'. All of the mothers were sweating in their Death Eater robes but still stood behind the table without complaint.

"Wow, it looks very good, ladies! Mind if I join you?" Bellatrix had waltzed up to them in her own Death Eater robes. The other women groaned. Bellatrix had a very bad reputation with them, mainly over her apparent whore-like ways.

"Er, well, you could stand on the corner and hook...I mean get customers for us!" One of the women sputtered out. Bellatrix clapped her hands and ran up the street, shouting "Bake sale! Come to our bake sale, damnit! Hey you! Get over here before I make you a new asshole! What, you think I can't do it!? Just try me, right now buddy..."

A small boy wearing overalls walked over, clutching a dollar bill in his hand. "Can I have a brownie?"

Narcissa forced a smile. "What a cute little muggle! Here you go!" She handed him a brownie and then said in a completely different voice, "that will be ten bucks, you little shit."

The boy's eyes grew wide, and fat tears welled up in them. "I-I have a dollar!"

"Oh really? Only a dollar? Well then, I guess that's ok." Narcissa smiled pleasantly. As the boy walked away however, there was a flash of green light. The boy barely made it to the front door. "I hate muggles."

"How will we make money if you keep killing everyone?" Mrs. Parkinson asked.

"Well, we..."

"Exactly. We'll scare away the customers."

"Oh, and these robes don't? We look like a cult!"

"Well, actually we are."

"Hey, what is Bellatrix doing!?" Narcissa shrieked. There was a large line at the corner filled with muggles. Bellatrix was waving her wand at each customer, and each left happily, staring at their arms. Narcissa knew it; she was snogging them. Never trust a whore to do a real woman's job. She stalked over to the corner of Damsel and Wilson and gasped.

Bellatrix had set up a tattoo parlor. There were several angst-filled teens awaiting in line, while Bellatrix etched into their arms a green skull with a snake weaving through the eye sockets.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" Mrs. Malfoy roared. Bellatrix looked up from her most recent customer.

"Why, just making money...and recruiting Death Eaters."

"THESE ARE MUGGLES!"

"Well, yes, I realize that, but they could be useful couldn't they? Look, this one has 'Satan' written on his shirt!" Bellatrix hugged the closest teen with a small squeal.

Narcissa sighed heavily. 'I'm going to hate this.'

BAM! Bellatrix was engulfed in a bright yellow light, and emerged as a lemon.

'Hm, I didn't really hate that at all!'

"Hey Narcissa," the lemon laughed nervously, "I feel like a lemon!"

" So what qualities do you have that would make you a good, corrupted, backstabbing Minister of Magic?" Rabastian drawled lazily, tapped a quill on a piece of parchment.

"Well, I'm good with children, creative, smart and I help the homeless!" A woman with short blonde hair babbled, arranging a few flowers in a vase. Rabastian rolled his eyes.

"Right, well, we'll keep you in mind."

"Wait! I, um, I also was sent to jail once!"

Rabastian looked up at her. "What was your name again?"

"Martha Stewart."

"I'll call you if we don't find any other candidates. Next!"

"Bellatrix, you look wonderful tonight." Voldemort murmured huskily as his eyes took in the sight of Bellatrix Lestrange in a very low-cut black dress. Bellatrix blushed.

"Oh, well thank you, my Lord!" She took a seat and grabbed a menu. "You look very stunning yourself."

"Oh honestly, don't try and flatter me." She was obviously being polite, I mean, how good-looking can a snake-man be? No matter; Bellatrix liked him all the same, mainly because he was evil.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this moment, my Lord." Bellatrix licked her lips, her foot grazing his robes. He stiffened. Bellatrix ventured upward, her foot now prodding his...wand.

"B-Bellatrix, I thought maybe we should eat first before we, erm, try to produce an heir, so-to-speak!" Voldemort squirmed, but did not push her foot away. The table next to them moved in disgust.

"I want you. Now." Bellatrix got up, leaned over the table, and snogged him senseless. Voldemort was not notorious with the females, and he was obviously out of his element.

"O-Okay, just let me...check please!"