Sisters; Can't Live With Them, Can't Prank Without Them

Surprises

"W-what?" I stammered.

Lione produced a book in front of me. "Voila!" she said. "Remember when I told you about that book about the ring? Well here it is. I stole it from my grandparents' library. No one's touched it for years apart from me so I don't think they'll notice it's gone." She caught sight of my shocked expression. "I knew you wanted to read it," she said, looking at me in an odd way. "You'll probably get more from it than I could. I thought you'd be interested..."

"Oh," I said, taking it from her. "Thanks. Yeah. I am. Thanks."

"Only you can't tell Gregory," she warned. "I don't mind you reading it because I know you'll just get some interesting yet useless information from it. Where as Gregory would see one sentence and instantly find a reason to dig everything up again and go 'adventuring'. And I don't want everything dug up again."

She looked at me.

"Okay," I said, "I won't tell him."

She smiled. "Thanks Joe-"

"Joseph."

"-You're a toff."

She sat down on the sofa with a grin on her face and a confused state in my mind as I tried to figure out what toff meant. I resolved to look it up in the dictionary and sat down with the others. Oh, and if you're interested, toff is a noun and is a slang word for an upper-class person. And there don't appear to be any alternative words. If you're interested that is...

"So how painful was it exactly?" Gregory asked.

"Excruciating!" Lione declared. "Aargh! I will be perfectly happy if I never see any dresses ever again. Jeans, glorious jeans!" she sang. "Shorts, track suits and combats!"

"You'll grow into them," said Laura with a smile.

"Never!" Lione declared in mock seriousness. "At least not the sort my grandparents keep getting for me. Flowers, yeurgh."

We laughed.

***

Exams came around exceptionally fast causing massive amounts of groaning, moaning, whining and grumbling. I don't see what everyone hates about exams. People always act as if it's the end of the world or the worst thing that could ever happen to them. What really is the big deal? If you ask me, exams are much better than lessons. Much easier. You don't have to learn anything new - just remember what you've already been taught, you get tons of time off when other people are being tested and, to be honest, how hard can remembering a load of facts be? I know I'm particularly good at it but other people without photographic memories have done just as well in exams (or better when it comes to Lione but don't start me on that again) so obviously it can be done. It's not about intelligence; everyone's been to the same lessons. It's all a question of how many of the facts they cram in to your brain all year you can recall. Simple.

What I can't stand are practical exams. Now they're hard. They're purposely designed to enrage people who know the facts but can't perform the actions if you ask me. I can't see why people like them so much more than written exams. Take Charms for example. Now I find leaning over, say, an astronomy paper and filling in facts about degrees and asteroids and such much less stressful than trying to perform a spell with Professor Browen breathing down your neck and tutting occasionally. The way he smiled smugly when I walked in the room and almost chuckled, honest, chuckled, when I didn't get it exactly right.

"Where has the year gone?" Lione asked after the exam.

"It seems like only yesterday we were watching the Sorting," said Lucy.

"And teasing Joseph about Melanie."

"You know what's shocking, he hasn't complained about her much lately. I'd expect it to last much longer than this."

"See. We told you it wouldn't be so bad."

"I don't trust that guy."

They blinked and stared at me, apparently taken aback by my sudden change of subject. Gregory recovered first.

"Who?"

"Browen."

They groaned. "Are we still going on about Browen?"

"Suppose it's better than Melanie..."

"I don't know. The Melanie one would have probably faded with or without Browen. Maybe just slower. This stuff has stayed consistent throughout."

"Consistent?"

"Steady."

"Oh."

"I can't see why you guys don't see it," I said. "He's dead creepy. He obviously doesn't like me. Or Melanie. Or any of the other Muggleborns."

"How can he tell them apart? Do you guys have a club or something?"

"Maybe they wear badges."

"But we can't see them."

"Exactly."

"Ah..."

"Do you guys have a secret handshake or something?"

"Ooh! Can you teach me it?"

"Don't be silly," said Lione. "Of course they don't have a secret club."

"Thank you," I said, glad for a return to what might pass for normality.

"You should set one up!"

"Yeah!"

"Definitely!"

"We could help!"

"I'll be treasurer."

"I'll make posters."

"I'll make badges."

"They already have badges. Invisible ones."

"Oh yeah, sorry. It's just so easy to forget about them. Them being invisible and everything."

"Oh I completely understand."

"What sort of food would you serve at this kind of meeting?"

"Toad in the hole."

"Ew..."

"I meant the Muggle kind. With sausages. No one in their right mind eats it the wizarding way."

"I happen to really like it actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah, haven't you ever had it?"

"No. What's it like?"

"Crunchy."

"Guys," I said. "Please? Can we get back to real life now."

They looked at each other, apparently bewildered. "This is our real life."

"I mean all jokes aside."

"Wait wait wait," said Gregory. "All jokes aside? I never agreed to that."

"Asher!"

"All right," he said, gloomily. "No more jokes. We'll be normal. And boring..."

"Hasn't there been a single moment, a teeny tiny second, when you were suspicious of him in anyway?" They looked blank. "What about the way he keeps looking at Lione and Laura. Doesn't that freak you out in the least?"

"Well it is a little scary," said Lione.

"And that strange little meeting he had with me. What about that?"

"Kind of creepy," Gregory admitted.

"Aha!" I cried, delightedly, causing all three of them to jump. "Put it together. What do you have?"

"Go Gryffindor," Lione suggested, tentatively.

"No! Scary. Creepy. He's a guy..."

"Scary creepy guy!"

"We have success! Give the girl a coconut!"

"Okay," said Gregory. "You've obviously been around Lione for too long. Maybe we should put you in isolation for a while..."

"Hold on," said Lucy. "I want my coconut first."

"All I meant is, she's got it. Bang on the nail."

Lione's expression froze. I seemed to be the only one to notice. "You think that Professor Browen is actually scary creepy guy. Just because he's a little... odd. I mean, I'm a little odd, do you think I'm scary creepy guy? Lione's extremely odd and she's definitely not scary creepy guy."

"Maybe he's just a kind of minion thing."

"Like a Death Eater," Lucy suggested.

"No way," said Gregory. "He'd have to go off for meetings and things, wouldn't he?"

"He's more than he appears," I said. "That's all I'm saying."

"Maybe I should check my Chocolate Frog cards," said Gregory thoughtfully.

"What if he's undercover," said Lucy. "Putting on an act sort of thing. To put us off his scent."

If Lione's mouth had dropped open any wider than I swear it would have dropped off completely.

"Gotta go," she rushed and ran off."

"Where she going?" Lucy asked.

"Don't care," said Gregory with his 'I've got a cunning plan that will get us in to a lot of trouble' look.

"You don't care," I said, genuinely shocked. "Aren't you worried she's going to go meet up with Robin Little or something? Or go fight some vampires."

"Anything as long as she's out the way."

"Why?" said Lucy, suspiciously.

"Because she wouldn't agree to go search Browen's room with us."

I remembered the book and the warning message that had come along with it. So far Gregory hadn't found the book, I'd kept it under my pillow.

"No," I said. "She wouldn't have."

"But now she's rushed off we can go search it." he said with a smile, marching off.

I caught Lucy's eye. I have no idea what sort of look she was giving me but I'm sure we can all guess.

***

Gregory let himself straight in to the room and immediately began to search through Browen's drawers. Luckily the room was empty but I'm sure Asher would have done exactly the same even if Browen was in there.

"Aha!" he declared.

He held up the Invisibility Cloak.

"We know," said Lucy. "We discovered it months ago. Remember?"

"I know. But still... aha!"

"It's not illegal to own one, you know."

"Aha!"

"Oh wowee. A Charms text book."

"Aha!"

"A tea pot."

"Aha."

"A quill."

"Aha?"

"Now that's a cheese sandwich. Don't you think we're getting a bit silly now?"

Lucy threw open a cupboard door. "Oho!" she cried, and walked in to it.

We stared as Lucy disappeared from sight. From the outside the cupboard clearly wasn't big enough to hold a single person. Or a married one for that matter (took me ages to think that one up). Gregory crept up to it and knocked on the side. Lucy stuck her head out.

"Come on in, there's plenty of room."

Gregory shrugged and walked in. I followed. Behind the cupboard door was a tunnel so small you had to crouch to fit in and you still bumped your head. We crawled along aiming for a bit of light in the distance. I could hear Lucy humming 'Hi ho' under her breath. Gregory was humming 'Gold gold gold'. I couldn't decide which one was weirder.

"You do realise Lione would kill you if she knew we were coming down here," I told Gregory, conversationally.

"Yes yes," said Gregory dismissively.

"No," said Lucy. "She would actually kill you. Really. Trust me, she would."

"How?" said Gregory disbelievingly.

"Oh I don't know," said Lucy vaguely. "Smack your head against the wall? Bash you with a spade? Push you in front of the Hogwarts Express? Feed you to one of Hagrid's creatures? Cut you up into teeny tiny bits then jump on them? Drown you in the Great Lake? Poison you? Burn you? Do something interesting with a discus, a nail file and a small south American tree frog-"

"I get the idea!" Gregory declared.

I frowned. "What interesting thing could she do with a discus, a nail file and a small south American tree frog?"

"Well she gets the nail file," began Lucy.

"We don't need to hear details," interrupted Gregory. "Now where was I?"

"Gold, I think."

"Nah, I was way past that bit."

"Er... Gold?"

"Oh yeah! That's it. Gold gold gold gold."

"Aha" Lucy reached the end of the tunnel and vanished from sight. "Oh."

"What is it?" called Gregory, speeding up.

"Aww! How sweet!"

Gregory and I reached the end and stood up. Our mouths dropped open as we saw what was waiting there for us. A pack of dogs of varying breeds were standing there on their back legs. In the background was a green table and several chairs. One of the dogs was holding a pack of cards.

"Er..." said Gregory. "Hello?"

"What are you doing here?" demanded a German Shepard.

"Did you bring bones?" a smaller Jack Russell asked, bouncing slightly.

"Er... we were just wondering where the tunnel led," said Gregory.

"And bones," insisted the Jack Russell. "Did you bring some?"

Lucy was currently stroking a large shaggy sheepdog whose back leg was thumping against the floor and tail was wagging so furiously it almost knocked out the creatures around him.

"Are we here to chat," a Bulldog asked, "or are we here to play?"

He indicated the table. The other dogs walked over and sat down.

"Okay then," I said. "We'll just be going."

"Sit!" commanded the German Shepard with a bark.

We sat. All except Lucy, who was chatting casually with a Border Collie and a Poodle and helping herself to crisps.

The German Shepard put his head in his paws. "At the table."

"Oh."

We got up from the floor and sat down at the table. Lucy had already been given a number of chips from the other dogs.

"We play Poker," said the German Shepard.

"Er..." said Gregory.

"Um..." I said.

"We can't play Poker."

"We don't know how."

"But we gotta play," said the Border Collie in a rush. "We gotta, we gotta, play play play."

"How about Snap," Lucy suggested, smiling as the ruffled the Bulldog's skin.

***

"You cheater!"

"I did not cheat!

"You did!"

"Did not."

"You so did."

"I so did not."

"Did," barked the Bulldog.

"Didn't," protested Gregory.

"Did did did did did did did did did did," buzzed the Border Collie. "We saw you we saw you we saw the cards and you cheat and you cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat."

"Of course I cheated!" protested Gregory, while the rest of us wiped the Collie drool from our faces. "It's Cheat! You're supposed to cheat in Cheat. It's one of the rules! The whole point is to cheat!"

"Not," said the terrier pointedly. "By magically changing the cards before we look."

"Who says I did that," said Gregory, innocently.

Simultaniously we turned our cards around. All of them were aces. "We do."

***

I looked up, trying to keep perfect eye contact with a Chihuahua. "Do you have," I said, slowly and delicately. "Master Cauldron the Potion maker's son?"

The Chihuahua grumbled and handed him over. I turned to Lucy.

"Lucy," I said. "Do you have Mr Sparks the Charmer?"

"Nope," said Lucy. She held her hand out the Gregory. "Miss Toad please." She pointed to the Border Collie. "Master Toad." The German Shepard. "And Mrs Star." All three handed them over. Gregory lay down her cards. "Two more families, I'm out, and doesn't that mean I win?"

Everyone grumbled and handed over their chips. Lucy collected them and added them to her already large pile. "Wow. I really like Happy Families."

"Hey guys."

We turned. Browen had just climbed out of the tunnel.

"Frankster!" cried the dogs as one.

"Frankster?"

Browen stared, half way between anger and shock. "What are you three doing here?"

"Why did they call you Frankster?" Lucy asked. "I thought I heard Professor McGonagall call you Cornelius."

"Well of course she did," said Browen, flustered.

"Then why did those guys call you Frankster? Why not Cory or something? Or Corster."

"Because Cornelius Browen is not his name."

The so-called Browen whirled around. Lione was climbing out the tunnel. I had actually seen her coming along while Browen was talking but I thought not revealing that would give it a nice dramatic effect. Don't you think?

"That's not really your name, is it?" said Lione, smiling. "It's Frank Galen Dee."

She looked triumphant. I would have liked to say I froze but that's not entirely true since I managed to turn to look at Lucy to find that she had frozen. I wouldn't call it realisation dawning because that suggests we were both suddenly remembering something that made everything make sense. We never forgot it - it was there all the time. We had just heard some new information that suddenly put everything in to perfect clarity.

"Er..." I said. "Lione..."

"He's a Prankster," said Lucy. "He's on the chart and everything! Frank G Dee. It makes perfect sense! That's how the custard got on the board. That's why he was so fascinated by Joseph's prank."

"He's an impostor," said Gregory, appalled.

"Worse than that I'm afraid," said Browen/Frank Dee. "I'm... an actor!"