Sisters; Can't Live With Them, Can't Prank Without Them

Girl feud

I learnt an important lesson that morning. Girls talk. A lot. The argument between Gregory and Lione, especially Gregory's final comments, spread like wildfire. At breakfast none of the Gryffindor girls were speaking to us. By Lunch it had spread to a few from other houses, presumably the friends of those who had been ignoring us that morning. By dinner even Slytherin girls were glaring in our direction. Apparently when it came to female feuds all boundaries were set aside. Although some girls had clearly made the distinction that Gregory was the enemy who had said the things they'd heard others seemed to be attacking me for association. Some were even watching all the males in the school with disdain. There were rumours of a fourth year Slytherin, having been given a detention from Professor Longbottom for making fun of his name, declaring it was "Typical male behaviour. You'll go down when the revolution comes." Professor Longbottom had apparently turned to one of the Ravenclaws present and inquired, panicking, if she knew when this revolution was due to happen.

Gregory, Samuel, Oliver and I sat at the table watching Lione chatting animatedly with her female friends at the other end. There was a two-seat radius around us; the girls were avoiding Gregory and the boys were doing the same in the fear that they might get tarnished with the same brush.

"I don't get it," said Gregory as Lione got up and left, flashing Oliver, Samuel and me with her usual smile but specifically not looking at Gregory. "How come I'm suddenly public enemy number one?"

"I know," I said. "I mean, she didn't even let you finish what you were saying. She doesn't know what you were really going to say."

"Well I was going to say that she was a girl."

"Ah," I said.

"What?"

"You never call girls 'girls.'"

A tough girl from my primary school named Natasha taught me that. Actually she'd taught my best friend David that but he used me as a shield. Come to think of it I'm not sure why he was my friend...

"But she is a girl! What's wrong with saying that?"

"I hate to sound girly but it's not what you said, it's the way you said it." Lucy came over and sat next to us. "Hi guys."

"Hey."

"Look," she said. "It's very simple. It all depends on how you say things. If you'd have said 'I'm a boy and you're a girl' it would be all right but a little freaky. If you were purely on biological terms then it would be the same. But you said it as if you think girls are somehow below boys in ranking. That girls are weaker or dumber or less powerful. That's why the whole female population of the school hates you and I think that won't change until you make some sort of public apology listing all the ways in which girls are far superior than boys."

"I'm not doing that!"

"Bye then."

"No wait. Where'd Lione go just now?"

"I'm not going to tell you for two reasons. One, she'd kill be if I did, and two, I don't know. But she's not with Robin if you're interested. He's at the table over there."

"Maybe he's waiting until we're not around."

"No. I asked him whether he knew anything about where Lione was disappearing off to and he knew nothing."

"There is such a thing called lying you know."

"There are a dozen ways of telling if someone is lying to you and I know them all. He wasn't lying. Look, I gotta go. See you in the common room. Oh, Gregory."

"Yeah?"

"Your hair's flashing."

Gregory looked at his hair with a silver plate. "Oh man." He looked at me. "How come you didn't notice?"

I blinked at him. "I did notice, it's been like that since breakfast. You really should look in the mirror more often."

The next day at breakfast I was shocked to see Lione come right up to Gregory and I.

"Look-" she managed before Gregory interrupted her.

"Aha!" he cried. "Crawling back are we? I knew you'd forgive me sooner or later."

She gave him an odd look. "Actually I just found out something that I thought you might be interested to know but if you're not..."

"Kettle," I said. "Please."

"You know Peter Mailey in fourth year? His sister's gone missing."

"What, you mean Sonja Mailey in Hufflepuff seventh year-"

"No, I mean his little sister. As in the nine-year-old little girl whom is still at primary school."

A deep sense of panic came over me. Another missing relative of Muggle-born Hogwarts students. When I opened my mouth I had no idea what I was going to say but Lione seemed to.

"We know," she said. "Lucy's just gone to borrow Laura's owl."

Sure enough Lucy appeared with an owl on her arm and some parchment and a quill in her hand. All were handed to me. It occurred to me that this was exactly what I needed. I had wanted to write to Caitlyn. I scribbled down a few words and sent the letter off with Laura's owl.

"I'm sure she's fine," Lucy said.

All I could do was nod. She had to be fine, or I would have heard about it. It would have been in the newspapers or Mum would have owled me. Caitlyn had to be fine.

***

She was. I received a letter written in pencil on the back of the letter I sent her. She was fine, she had a new doll called Meg, she had played a hamburger in her class assembly, Mum wouldn't let her have all the sweets she wanted and she missed me. I couldn't wait to see her at Christmas.

The months till the Christmas holidays, thankfully, flew by with little activity. Gregory eventually tired of being followed everywhere he went by every single practical joke Lione could think up and apologised to her on his knees. Though I must admit that the spell Lione had put on his shoes causing them to only walk points up (and resulting in Gregory doing Michael Jackson impersonations all day) helped a little. And I did assist her with that one a teeny bit. Lione got to commentate on her first Quidditch match. I know nothing about how it was supposed to go but according to the people around me she did really well. The Gryffindor team, along with their new members Laura, Robin and Arry, won their first match against Slytherin One hundred and ninety verses sixty. Jane Jordan was furious. Halloween was fun but event free and, as it turned out, Melanie free. After we got back from the feast we were hanging around in the common room, when in came Melanie with a tall Gryffindor fourth year. She was laughing in that overly fake way that I always nicknamed her 'Mocking Bird impression'. She smiled and said goodbye to her date as he headed off to the boys dormitories. Then she turned to look directly at me and said,

"What a boring boy. Though I must admit that the food they have down in the restaurant in Hogwarts was far more yummy then they have at the feasts. Plus it would have been rather romantic if he had stopped squeezing his spots..."

She tipped her head to one side, winked and went off to bed.

The only other important event that occurred was on the Wednesday before I was due to go home for Christmas. I was the only one going home this year as Lucy and Gregory were determined to stay and see if Lione got attacked by vampires again. I asked Lione why she wasn't going home and she said that she wanted to see if she got attacked by vampires again thus causing this single sentence to simultaneously bring me to the brink of puzzlement and to eternally embody Lione for me forever. And yes, it has been fully pointed out to me that that sentence doesn't make sense.

So anyway. It was the last Charms class of the term and Professor Browen, as usual caused us to leave in a stunned silence. It wasn't that we weren't learning anything because we were. It was just that, no matter what happened, we left every lesson in a stunned silence. In this particular lesson I was so stunned that I left my cloak in the classroom and only noticed when everyone started to head outside in to the snow for Herbology.

"I'll be right back," I called to them, hurrying back to the classroom.

"We'll wait," Lione replied.

"You don't have to do that."

"True. But at least it means we get to put off going in to the freezing snow for another few minutes."

I hurried back to the classroom and ran in, straight in to Professor Browen, knocking him over.

"Sorry sir," I said, helping him up. "I forgot my cloak you see and I-"

I froze. Browen was picking all his dropped things off the floor and putting them in to his bad. It was one particular thing that caught my eye and caused me to gape. A delicate silvery cloak that I recognised instantly. An invisibility cloak.

"Oh that thing," said Browen, indicating my cloak hanging on a chair near by. "It's yours, is it? I'd have expected a cloak belonging to someone like you would have big luminous labels on it."

He sniggered

It's a cruel thing to do to someone, make a completely indecipherable joke while they're trying to comprehend something they've seen.

"Excuse me?" I queried.

"Well I didn't expect someone like you to understand the extravagancies of a joke like that."

He left. I stood, stock still for a moment, my lips moving of their own accord as I tried to work out what had just happened. Gregory swung round the doorframe and frowned at me.

"Are you having trouble finding it?" he asked. "Because it's right over there you know."

I barely heard him. Something had occurred to me and I was scanning my memory for some evidence. If Browen had an invisibility cloak then he might have been in the corridor that night. I was mentally reading the list of Pranksters and scanning it for the name 'Browen'. It wasn't there. I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I had thought that finally I had solved something. That maybe this would result in the guys giving me a little more respect. But if Browen wasn't on that list then he wasn't a past prankster and he couldn't have known about the room so therefore he couldn't have been there that night. I felt thoroughly jipped.

Gregory looked rather worried. "You know, just because they don't have another class in this room right now doesn't mean we don't have a lesson."

I looked up at him. He sighed, walked across the classroom and picked up my cloak. He waved it at me.

"I sent the girls on ahead. Now come on, we're - and I can't believe I'm saying this - late. Now are you going to tell me why you are looking so perplexed or what?"

I frowned at him. "Where did you learn the word perplexed?"

"Ah! So you were listening. Come on, tell us all about it in Herbology."

***

In actual fact I had to explain about it in the hospital wing. Professor Longbottom had chosen that lesson to teach us about Mandrakes. Since we were late, and he was too worried about this revolution business to notice, he had given out the earmuffs and they had started already. Gregory and I walked in just in time to watch our classmates pluck out their screaming mandrakes. Luckily they were only young mandrakes, so we didn't die, but merely had to spend the remaining two days until the end of term in the hospital wing.

It was break the next day and Lione and Lucy had come to visit us. Our conversation involved a lot of shouting since our ears were still ringing.

"Browen had an invisibility cloak!" I yelled.

I saw Lione and Lucy clap their hands over their ears.

"That's awful!" said Gregory. "He could be creeping around anywhere, watching us and listening in to our conversations."

He looked around edgily. Lione laughed.

"I think you'd have to be deaf not to listen to our conversation right now," she replied.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"Oh."

"In that night corridor I saw a plant move," Lucy declared. "Someone invisible could have gone past it and moved it. At the time I thought it was a ghost... then I thought, Ghosts would walk right through the leaves, wouldn't they? They wouldn't cause them to move."

"I heard breathing," Lione added.

"What?"

"I said I heard breathing!"

"Then what if it was Browen in the corridor that night!"

"Keep your voice down."

"What?"

Lione dropped her voice and said something that I didn't hear. Lucy did though as she started giggling.

Gregory scowled. "I heard that."

***

I was on the train going home and I was very surprised to see Laura Potter sit down opposite me.

"So I'm off home for the annual Potter Christmas party," she told me. "One which Gregory would be surprised to hear his parents attend. They don't tell him of course because that boy has some weird obsession with my father. So why are you headed home?"

"My sister," I replied.

"Caitlyn?"

"Yeah." I tried, and failed, to remember when I'd ever told her the name of my baby sister. I guess that Lucy had told her when she'd borrowed Laura's owl. "She misses me and I miss her and she'd be dreadfully upset if I missed her Oscar winning performance in the church nativity."

Laura smiled. "She's playing Mary, is she?"

"I don't know. Mum sent a message to Melanie about it and Mel just told me about the Nativity. Or mentioned it rather. I believe her actual words were 'Mum just sent me an owl. She says Caitlyn's going to be in a Nativity or something at Christmas. Do you think I should get highlights in my hair?'"

Laura laughed. "Last I heard she was going to. Blue ones."

"Why blue?"

"She read a book."

"She read a book!"

"About fads."

"How long was this book?"

"About two hundred and fifty pages, I think."

"Really? Two hundred and fifty pages? How long did it take her to read it?"

"A week."

"A week? One week!"

"Yes..."

"How big was the writing?"

"Smallish..."

I was completely shocked. This was too much for me to cope with. First Browen had an invisibility cloak then Melanie reads a book. Melanie never read unless she had to. It wasn't 'cool'. It wasn't that she couldn't read. But two hundred and fifty pages. With small font. In a week! I was amazed.

"What was it about?"

"Like I said, Fads. About this scientist who researches them. I read the blurb. I think the main message was how bad it was for people to follow the crowd."

"And?"

"It gave her ideas. She's going to dye her hair blue and get an i brand on her forehead. Oh and next time you see her I wouldn't be surprised if she was wearing duct tape somewhere around her person. I think the book was called bellwether..."

"And it was over two hundred pages, you say?"

"Yes."

"Oh my..."

***

I got on the platform and was very shocked not to be pinned down to the ground by a flying blur. Instead I was greeted by my Dad.

"Joseph! Joey, Joey, Joey. Been watching the sky?"

I grinned. My Dad was always pleased to see me. He was always pleased to see everyone. But if you're named after an astronomical term then beware for you would never escape from his killer handshake.

"Of course, Dad."

He grabbed my bags and headed off. I caught sight of Laura over the other side of the platform and waved at her. She winked at me. I chased after my Dad.

"Now," he said. "You have to help me, Joey, because your mother's parents have descended upon us."

I groaned. My Mum's parents were the kind of Grandparents that pinch your cheek and say how much of an 'iddle sweetums' you were. My great Aunt Gertrude's pinch was a lethal weapon. True, my Grandpa didn't pinch; he punched you in the arm. And if you winced or showed any kind of pain he would punch you in the stomach and tell you to be a man. At which point Grandma would tell him to stop, leave the iddle sweetums alone and she'd pinch me.

"What about Gram 'n' Gran?"

Gram 'n' Gran were my Dad's parents. The ones who didn't pinch me, but had no teeth and couldn't remember my name. They couldn't remember my gender either unless I was in the room. But it was always fun having both sets of Grandparents in the same room because they hated each other. Oh they didn't act like it but if you gave any indication that you liked them or their presents any less than the other's then they looked ready for a rumble.

"They arrive tomorrow with presents from their cruise." He looked worried for a moment. "I'll have to check them..."

My Dad knew their tendency to call me Josie all too well. And this year there was no Melvin to swap with.

"What about the Oldies?"

My relationship with my Dad resolved mainly around nicknames. We never called something or somebody what it was unless we couldn't help it. The Oldies were an assorted group of Great Grandparents and Great great aunts and Uncles all on my Dad's side.

"They've descended on your Uncle Peter this year."

"Lucky Jack..." Jack was my cousin. "Where's Caitlyn?"

"Oh she's rehearsing again. She's Mary you know."

I smiled slightly. "Really?"

"Thrilled to bits with it as well. Watch out for Grandma." He put on a high-pitched voice. "She's so proud!"

I laughed. My dad hailed a taxi and literally threw the bags in the back. My dad was God's gift to the taxi industry. He travelled all over the country and never drove anywhere. It wasn't that he couldn't drive - he'd taken his test twelve times so he was pretty firm on the fundamentals - it was that Mum didn't trust him with the car. For one thing he never parked it - he abandoned it. He always jumped out while it was still moving but slowing down. The final straw for Mum was one time when he jumped out the car and started unloading the shopping while it was still moving forward. Needless to say it went straight into a lamppost. There wasn't much damage done, just a few dents, but Mum banned him from ever driving again. We pulled up at our local church hall and abandoned the taxi. The driver had to cough to remind my dad that he'd left my bags in the back. I remembered them of course but it was far more fun to see my dad realise his mistake by himself.

We went in to the hall just in time to hear a rendition 'Little Donkey' played on recorder. Caitlyn was climbing on to the stage with a seven-year-old boy I didn't recognise. They went over to the side of the stage and pretended to knock on a door. In a corner of the hall a child, from the group of children chosen to perform the music, hit a wooden block with a stick to produce the knocking sound. Unfortunately she got a little over enthusiastic and hit the block a few more times than she was obviously supposed to and had her block confiscated from her sending her in to floods of tears. A nervous looking boy appeared on stage looking as if he'd been pushed on.

"We need a room in your inn please," said the boy playing Joseph.

"There is no room in the inn," said the nervous boy, taking a breath after every word.

Caitlyn and 'Joseph' turned around and headed for the other side of the stage. The Nervous innkeeper stood where he was for a while, looking around the hall until he was pulled off stage by an adult on the side. Joseph pretended to knock on another door, this time with sound effects provided by an adult. Domonic walked on stage bold as brass (Though I've never understood that phrase).

"We-" began the other boy.

Though I'm sure this rendition would have been just as marvellous as his previous he was interrupted by Caitlyn catching sight of me.

"Joseph!"

The boy playing Joseph looked positively terrified for a while. Caitlyn literally threw herself off the stage causing every adult in the hall to gasp in horror. Caitlyn skidded on the floor and flopped upwards in the way of someone who is used to falls and would never let them slow her down. She threw her arms around me and pandemonium was let loose. A random angel dragging a blanket wandered on to the stage, the music group let loose with every percussion instrument they had, half a dozen children simultaneously burst in to tears and Dominic, determined to get his line out, stomped his foot and spoke it as loud as possible.

"Hey Caitlyn," I said.

"Joseph!" she cried again. "I'm Mary!"

"Really?"

"I get to be married to Joseph! But not you, you're not Joseph."

"Aren't I?" I said in mock surprise. "What's my name then?" I scratched my head. "Hmm.... What could I be called if I'm not Joseph?"

Caitlyn giggled. I took her in my arms and picked her up.

"What about Yvonne? How does that sound?"

"That's a girl's name!"

"Is it? Oh dear. I don't know what to choose now..."

"Don't be silly. You're my brother Joseph but Jamie plays Joseph in the play. This angel comes to see me and says I'm pregnant which is why I've got this pillow. Then we go and walk around then go back on the stage and look for the stable but first we have to find out there's no room at the inn which is where Domino comes in. He's Innkeeper number two which is unfair 'cos he wanted to be innkeeper number three who has more lines."

"Slow down, slow down. What's this about a monkey?"

She giggled again. "You're silly."